COMMUNICATION

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COMMUNICATION

• An interactive Power Point to record into your
  journal

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Interactive Power Point

• Go to the next page of your Journal
• Title the page Communication
• add the Date
• Take notes on each slide (dont copy all the
  information, just summarize the important stuff).
  Answer the questions or do activities as you go
  through the power point

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Communication Styles

• In your journal write your response
• What do you think the 3 components of
  communication are and how much ( wise) each
  contributes to how we communicate?

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Words

• The words we use accounts for 10 of our
  communication.

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Voice Qualities

• Voice qualities include tone of voice as well as
  pitch and pace of speech.
• Voice qualities accounts for 40 of communication.

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NON VERBAL
There is no such thing as not communicating.

• Non Verbal gestures, eye contact and posture
• Accounts for 50 of communication
• Contradiction No, Im NOT angry. People
  believe non verbal first, if they arent the same
  message.

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EYE CONTACT

• Indicates interest, even for a split second more
  than normal.
• Flirting means eyes darting back forth.
• People in love have prolonged looks at each
  other.
• Those in conflict may avoid looking at each
  other.
• Avoiding eye contact shows disinterest or
  insincere interest.

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EYE CONTACT

• Read story of Auchmed
• There were two lips and one day one of the lips
  realized the other lip was higher than him so
  they argued and fought and didnt work together.
  The person wanted to speak the words of love that
  his heart felt for a woman but the lips were
  never working together, only fighting and he
  could not say the words. The heart wanted so
  badly to express its love to this woman.
  Finally the heart realized it was connected to
  the eyes. They were equal, side-by-side and
  wouldnt fight. So he was able to express the
  feelings of his heart through his eyes. You can
  always tell what a person feels in their heart
  through their eyes, not the lips.

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PROXIMITY

• Can indicate interest attention.
• Where we sit (proximity) indicates levels of
  intimacy.
• Moving away indicates desire to terminate
  conversation.
• Moving closer usually one exchanges cues to avoid
  chance of rejection.
• Cultures differ in degree of acceptable closeness.

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(No Transcript)
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TOUCH

• Basic of all senses, closest form.

Signals intimacy, emotional closeness, sexual
interest.
In sexual interactions it takes precedence over
sight (close eyes when kissing).
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Body Orientation, Posture

• Gestures
• Tap fingers
• Lifted eyebrow
• Rub nose or pull on ear
• Sweating palms, white knuckles
• Folded arms
• Swinging or crossing legs
• Wringing hands, kicking ground
• Steeple hands
• Feet on desk

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GENDER DIFFFERENCES OF COMMUNICATING

• Women
• Smile more more emotional, claim less space, more
  eye contact, use more qualifiers (dont you
  think?), intensifiers (awfully). Wives send
  clearer messages to husbands, are more sensitive
  responsive, husbands may not reply at all or
  withdraw. Usually wives want change husbands
  withdraw with the most to gain by doing so. But
  wives set the emotional tone in a family.

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GENDER DIFFERENCESMen

• Disclose less personal info
• Safer topics like sports or work
• More profanity harsh words
• More dominating of conversation
• Traditional roles inhibit communication.

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COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES

• DEFINITION
• A two part process used to exchange information.
  First the message must be sent. then received
  and understood.

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Levels of Communication
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Communication is a complex skill which seems
deceptively easy.

• Wondering, assuming and guessing what others feel
  or think, makes disaster.
• In order to have meaningful relationships (dates,
  friends, family, employment) it is essential to
  have effective communication.

• Do you say what you mean?

Everyone has their own way of communicating. But
most of the time they clash somewhere along the
way. We dont communicate anymore. I hear
you, but you dont make any sense.
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MISPERCEPTIONS
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ROADBLOCKS MISCOMMUNICATIONAnswer in journal
Which one are you?

• Placaters Agreeable, appeases others, a
  pleaser.
• Blamers Superior. Doesnt listen and tries to
  escape responsibilities.
• Computers Very correct and reasonable.
  Logical, ignores emotions.
• Distractors Frenetic and seldom says anything
  relevant, changes the subject.

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• Interrupting breaking into the conversation,
  not giving the other a chance to finish.
• Endless fighting bring up things from the past
  never resolving things.
• Character assassination name calling,
  belittling, insulting remarks.
• Calling in reinforcements involve outsiders to
  support you.
• Withdrawal leave, indifference, silent
  treatment.
• Need to be right refusal to admit their part in
  the problem.

Discuss these with the person to your right and
Explain which of these roadblocks you use?
Activity
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WHY PEOPLE DONT COMMUNICATE

• Ashamed or guilty of feelings
• Fearful feelings will create conflict
• Suppress unacceptable feelings
• Deny our feelings to self

Feelings unexpressed never die- Feelings are
simply emotional states and need to be felt.
Activity
video clip shown lster
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STOP

• Stop Here
• In your journal summarize in a paragraph what you
  have just learned about yourself.

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GOOD COMMUNICATION

• SELF-DISCLOSURE
• Allows mutual understanding and helps us discover
  who we are.
• Women can self disclose easier than men usually.
• One can feel lonely even when with someone all
  the time due to lack of self disclosure.
• Why is it hard to talk about feelings?
• Is vital to closeness but requires trust because
  it makes you vulnerable.

Question
Which topics are difficult to talk about?
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• TRUST
• Trust will develop only if relationship is likely
  to continue.
• We need to know how a person will react (not hurt
  us).
• Person must have other acceptable options
  available.

Question Can too much honesty and openness be
harmful to a relationship (happy medium)
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FEEDBACK - Necessary after self disclosure.
Provides constructive info about consequences of
their behavior towards you.

• Which would be best?
• Remain silent
• Respond with anger
• Remain indifferent
• Acknowledge others feelings as being valid
  (rather than right or wrong) and disclose how you
  feel in response.

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• Constructive feedback guidelines
• I messages.
• Focus on behaviors rather than the person.
• Focus on facts, not judgments (You dont really
  care how I feel about the dishes or What kind
  of person would leave dirty dishes all over).
• Dont exaggerate. I always pick up after you.
• Dont tell what to do, simply offer alternative.
  Nobody likes to be told what to do.
• Respond the best way for you partner. Anger may
  shut them down.
• Dont overload.
• Appropriate time and place.

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I MESSAGES

• I messages are used during those difficult
  times when you must assert yourself and confront
  someone about his/her unacceptable behavior so
  that a solution to the problem can be negotiated.

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I MESSAGES allow you to

• Confront people in a positive way.
• Be open, honest, and straightforward about a
  persons unacceptable behavior.
• Avoid putting people on the defensive.
• Appeal for help in solving the problem.
• Communicate ownership of the problem.

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I MESSAGES communicate the problem

• I FEEL . . .
• WHEN . . .
• BECAUSE . . .

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FEELING WORDS
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YOU MESSAGES

• YOU MESSAGES are totally ineffective because they
  contain language that sounds abrasive,
  judgmental, condescending, or injurious to the
  self-esteem of the person confronted.

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YOU MESSAGES are never well received for several
reasons

• They make people feel guilty
• They can be interpreted as blame, put downs,
  criticism and rejections.
• They communicate a lack of respect for others.
• They often cause reactive or retaliatory
  behavior.
• They damage the recipients self-esteem.
• They cause resistance rather the openness to
  change.
• They can make a person fell hurt, the resentful.
• They are often perceived as punitive.

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You Messages contain two major obstacles that
severely inhibit communication and problem
solving.

• People dont like to be told what to do, or what
  not to do. They prefer to self-initiate change
  when it becomes apparent that their behavior is
  not productive for them.
• When the finger of blame is pointed, it
  communicates that they should feel guilty and
  awful.

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1. You lazy bum! All you ever do is watch
football. Now take out the trash this
minute.2. You kids are acting like wild
animals!3. You are such a slob. I will never
let you do a project in the kitchen again.
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FIRST STEP TO GOOD LISTENING IS TO SHUT UP
Read Please Listen poem and write a three
sentence response in your journal.
Activity
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Please Listen

• When I ask you to listen to me and you start
  giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.
  
• When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to
  tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are
  trampling on my feelings.
• When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you
  have to do something to solve my problem, you
  have failed me, strange as that may seem.
• Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Don't talk
  or do - just hear me.
• Advice is cheap 20 cents will get you both Dear
  Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper,  and
  I can do for myself I am not helpless. Maybe
  discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. 
• When you do something for me that I can and need
  to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and

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inadequacy. But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel, no matter how
irrational, then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling. And when
that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't
need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what's behind them. Perhaps that's
why prayer works, sometimes, for some people -
because Gd is mute, and he doesn't give advice
or try to fix things. Gd just listens and lets
you work it out for yourself. So please listen,
and just hear me.And if you want to talk, wait a
minutefor your turn - and I will listen to
you.by Author Unknown
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ATTITUDE CHANGES ESSENTIAL FOR ACTIVE LISTENING

• You must want to hear what the other person has
  to say.
• You must genuinely be able to accept the other
  persons feelings, no matter how different they
  are from your own.
• You must view people separate from yourself, with
  alternative ways of perceiving the world.
• You must trust the other persons capacity to
  handle and find solutions to his/her own problems.

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STEP 1 PASSIVE LISTENING

• OH, UM, UHUH are passive listening comments.
• They are short and non-judgmental.
• Their only purpose is to inform the speaker that
  you are still listening.

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STEP 2 ENCOURAGER QUESTIONS

• SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE BOTHERING YOU, WANT TO
  TALK ABOUT IT?
• If someone is not verbally speaking but you know
  something is wrong, then ask a question to
  encourage them and reassure them it is safe to
  speak.

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STEP 3 VALIDATING

• THAT MUST HAVE MADE YOU FEEL VERY SAD.
• WHAT I THINK YOU MEAN TO SAY IS.
• Acknowledges that the persons feelings are
  legitimate.
• Messages are not evaluated, judged or criticized.
• Shows the speaker that his or her opinions are
  important and they can contribute to problem
  solving solutions.

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STEP 4 PROBLEM SOLVING

• WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
• WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS
  DONE?
• HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK OUT?
• Help them
• Define the problem
• Reflect on goals values
• Seek, weigh and select alternatives
• Take responsibility for the decision

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Activity Evaluate Your Listening Skills Using
the Triad Method

• Listening Triads
• Get into Groups of Three
• 1 Student talks
• 1 Student listens
• 1 Student evaluates listening skills of listener
  and writes their evaluation in the Listeners
  journal.

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Possible options of what to talk about

• Fabricate a story about how you got in a wreck
  and got a ticket. Tells feelings about the
  police officer, the other car, etc.
• You got a new job. Tell details of the job and
  how you feel about it, the boss, co-workers.
• You broke up with a boy friend/girl friend or
  husband/wife. Tell why and how you felt about
  it.
• Tell how you feel about school, the homework, the
  grading, teachers, friends.
• Tell how you feel about Christmas (good or bad).
  Some memories and traditions that you have done.

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Evaluation of the Listener
Needs Improvement
Good

• Eye to eye contact looks interested
• Passive encouraging statements
• Clarifies for understanding
• Relevant questions
• Reflects back what they said
• No interruptions
• Validates never discredits their feelings
• Appropriate feedback
• Problem solving if necessary (only if asked for)

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MUTUAL AFFIRMATIONS

• Mutual acceptance
• Liking each other
• Express liking in words and actions If you love
  me show me

Tell them you like them for who they are and
appreciate all the little things.
Practice mutual affirmations with a partner
Activity
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AVOID NEGATIVES

• If there are more negatives than positives the
  relationship may suffer. Become aware and then
  you can unlearn doing it.

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POWER
The ability to influence another person. Usually
unaware of power, it is subtle. It is not
constantly exercised. Often based on personality.
Traditional Roles

• Wife assumed husbands name.
• Husband legally responsible to provide
• Question What do you think?
• Does the working partner have more power?

• What can power be based on?
• Physical strength
• Rewards
• Knowledge
• Acceptable roles
• Respect
• Persuasive skills
• Resources (money maker)

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Power (continued)

• Relative love need theory The person gaining
  the most from the relationship is the most
  dependent.
• Principal of least interest The partner with
  the least interest in continuing a relationship
  has the most power in it. If you dont do it my
  way, Im leaving

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Power (continued)

• Womens power is rooted in their role as
  nurturers and kinkeepers and has low visibility
  but they are the core of family strength and
  socialization.

Power and Intimacy Negative affect. Intimacy
requires equality. Talking, understanding and
negotiation help. Happy marriages are not based
on coercion but caring, mutuality, and respect.
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CONFLICT

• The more intimate two people are the more likely
  they are to have conflict. The conflict is not
  dangerous to the relationship, but how the
  conflict is handled is. If handled in a healthy
  way it can solidify the marriage.

NON BASIC CONFLICTS (do not strike at heart of
the marriage) BASIC CONFLICTS (do strike at heart
of marriage)
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Anger

• Anger can be dealt with in four ways
• Back off, learn to compromise between closeness
  and distance to avoid conflict. Learn what is
  safe and what is not.
• Suppressing it, let it simmer beneath surface.
  Causes resentment, and low level hostility.
• Escalate into violence.
• Recognize it as a symptom of something that needs
  to be changed. Do not vent or suppress it but
  find the source and eliminate it.

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Happy couples

• Summarize
• Paraphrasing
• Validating
• Clarification

• Agreement -without resentment
• Bargaining compromise (the best deal for both)
• Coexistence Agree (to disagree live with it)

The only way to speak the truth is to speak
lovingly discuss with a partner and write a 2
sentence response.
Activity
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Unhappy couples

• Confront
• Defensiveness
• Complain
• Give in

Covey Seek 1st to understand before seeking to
be understood.
With your partner discuss Coveys statement and
why do you think this helps promote good
communication.
Activity
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Vocabulary

• Family rules A families patterned or
  characteristic response to events, situations, or
  persons (passing food at the table).
• Feedback In communication, messages produce a
  result.
• Hierarchy of Rules Ranking of family rules.
  Family rules are most important, then individual
  rules.
• Honeymoon effect Tendency of new couples to
  overlook problems.
• Meta-rules An abstract, general, unarticulated
  rule at the top of the hierarchy upon which other
  rules are based.

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Vocabulary continued

• Power The ability to exert ones will, influence
  or control over another person or group.
• Principal of least interest The person less
  interested in sustaining a relationship has the
  greater power.
• Proximity Nearness to another in terms of both
  physical space and time.
• Relative love and need theory The person
  gaining the most from the relationship is the
  most dependent.
• Rules Patterned or characteristic responses.
• Self disclosure A revelation of deeply personal
  information about oneself to another.
• Trust Belief in reliability and integrity of
  another.

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Likelihood of breaking up/divorce due to
miscommunication

• Contempt
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
• Belligerence

Couples who communicate with affection and
interest, along with maintaining humor in the
mist of conflict survive better.