Letting Go: Parents

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Letting Go Parents Students in Transition

• Presented by the Barat Campus of DePaul
  University Wellness Center

? Sandy Dellutri, Director of Counseling
Disabilities Coordinator ? Rebecca Hamilton,
Assistant Director of Counseling Wellness
Education Coordinator
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Welcome to the DePaul Community!
We are thrilled that you and your son or
daughter have chosen Barat
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An exciting and difficult time is ahead of you

• Each of you may experience bringing your child to
  college differently
• A Time of Transition in your relationship
• This is what wed like to speak about this
  afternoon

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Expectations for College

• What we often tell students
• Freshmen are faced with so many new people,
  ideas, experiences, and dilemmas -- asked to
  assume greater responsibility for all aspects of
  their lives
• Problems and struggles are inevitable and normal
• Their challenge
• Your challengeeasier said than done!

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How to Begin

• Think about how seasoned adults handle change
• Beginning college is a turning point A Time of
  Change
• You must begin to let go on a new level

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The Process of Letting Go

• Remember this process began long ago
• There was help then, where is it now?
• The Continuum
• Best advicefinding a balance!

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The Process of Letting Go

• Adding to your ambivalence is their movement
  toward independence along with times of
  retreating into anxiety and hanging on

Roomies by David Willis Sept. 11, 1999

• Youll need to shift gears constantly

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Contradictory Roles

• There are only two lasting bequests we can hope
  to give our children. One is roots the other is
  wings. Hodding Carter

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Contradictory Roles

• Giving roots and wings has been your job from the
  beginning
• Accepting these contradictory roles -- building
  closeness and fostering independence -- can be a
  struggle
• Youll need to protect less, but may worry more
• To reach independence they need freedom, but with
  that comes responsibility
• College students are just BEGINNERS in this
  process

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Contradictory Roles

• The two parts of you rational and scared
• Your child will be presented with a host of
  pressures that are part of the growing-up process
• Information, support, and encouragement ? self
  reliance

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Understanding what you and your child are going
through can

• Help you negotiate this significant phase of your
  childs life
• Free you to help you child become his or her best
  self

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3 Major Developmental Tasks for College Students

• Separation/Individuation from family and home
  environment
• Identity Formation
• Achieving Intimacy With Peers

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How Do Students Reach These Developmental Goals?

• Via parental guidance, example, and teaching
• By observing their friends and peers
• Through their own intuitive sense of need
• By trial and error

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Separation/Individuation

• Entails a physical and/or psychological
  separation from home (often for the first
  prolonged period of time)
• Good news is this process has in some ways been
  going on since toddlerhood, so youve had some
  practice

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Separation/Individuation

• Less and less reliance on mom dad/ family for
  managing daily affairs

Ty Dye from Late To Class by Randy Simpson
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Separation/Individuation

• Research indicates that college students who fail
  to separate enough from their parents have a much
  tougher time meaningfully investing in
  undergraduate life, and, later on functioning as
  independent adults in society

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Separation/Individuation

• However, there is still an important role played
  by ongoing attachment with your child
• Emotional and financial support are necessary for
  your students to perform well in the collegiate
  environment

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Separation/Individuation

• Ideally, this process is a gradual one

Roomies by David Willis Dec. 15, 1998
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Identity Formation

• Helps students answer the question of who am I?
• Complex process that started years ago, but is
  now intensifying
• College years are full of critical,
  identity-based choices and commitments

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Achieving Peer Intimacy

• This phase tends to affect college students in a
  highly significant way
• Again, this exploration started back in puberty,
  but the concurrent separation from family
  intensifies the need
• Increasing reliance on getting intimacy needs met
  primarily through peer group, not family

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What You Can Do To Facilitate the Transition

• Dont panic
• Remember the good foundations youve given them
• Dont make assumptions
• Listen carefully

• Support and encourage, but try not to hover
• Focus on clear communication
• Review the parent materials were about to give
  you

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Dont blink!
Theyll be walking across that graduation stage
before you know it!