Communication: Sharing your inner self and discussing conflict

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Communication Sharing your inner self and
discussing conflict
Lecture 10Jul 19, 2007
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Forms of Communication

• Non-verbal communication
• Facial expressions
• Body language
• Proxemics (use of space, social distance)
• Touch
• Verbal communication
• Intimacy and self-disclosure
• Social support
• Conflict communication

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Conflict in Close Relationships

• What is conflict?
• Conflict of interest when partners goals cannot
  be simultaneously achieved
• Overt conflict verbal or physical confrontation
  (an argument, unpleasant disagreement, fight)
• You can have conflicts of interest with or
  without overt conflict
• Conflicts of interest are inevitable
• As interdependence increases, goal conflicts
  emerge
• Conflict increases with interdependence and
  commitment

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Conflict in Close Relationships

• How common is overt conflict?
• Lloyd (1987) study of engaged couples
• Kept diaries for two weeks
• Mean 4.6 arguments in two weeks
• High agreement, r .81 between partners
• Vincent (1977) study of married couples
• Distressed couples ? 1 per day
• Non-distressed couples ? 1 per week

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Conflict in Close Relationships

• Is conflict bad for a relationship?
• Not necessarily
• Conflicts of interest are inevitable
• Negotiation of goal conflicts can increase
  intimacy and mutual satisfaction (each partners
  needs are more likely to be met)
• Amount of conflict is only modestly related to
  satisfaction
• What matters most is how you manage conflict, how
  you deal with relationship problems and concerns

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Conflict Communication

• John Gottmans program of research
• Observational methods
• Talk-table procedure
• Code overall interaction quality
• Code each talk-turn or time interval

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Poor Conflict Communication

• Poor Communication Strategies
• Hidden Agendas
• Disguising your real complaint
• Arguing over the toothpaste when what youre
  really mad about is your partner coming home
  late from work without calling
• Cross-complaining
• Responding to a complaint with another complaint
• It really bothers me when you let the dishes
  pile up in the sink
• Well, I hate the way you leave your clothes all
  over the floor

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Poor Conflict Communication

• Kitchen-sinking
• Dragging in every complaint, past and present
• Cant we skip the boring holiday dinner at your
  Moms this year, and how about telling your
  sister to stop counting on us to baby-sit every
  weekend -- you never check with me before you
  volunteer me for things. And I really cant stand
  the way your sister treats me anyway, she has no
  respect for my work.
• Off-beam
• Drifting off track or off-task before problem can
  be solved
• You never do anything I ask -- just like my
  colleagues at work who never pull their fair
  share of the work

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Poor Conflict Communication

• Mind-reading
• Assuming you know your partners
  feelings/intentions
• You got drunk last night just to make me mad
• Assuming your partner knows your
  feelings/intentions
• You know I was having a bad day...
• Self-summarizing
• Repeating yourself, summarizing what you already
  said
• Repetitious, ignores other person, harassing

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Poor Conflict Communication

• Yes-butting
• Rejecting or resisting every suggestion or
  solution
• Yes, I could do that but Im sure it wont make
  a difference.
• The Stand-off
• Unwilling to give in or compromise
• Ill stop nagging when you stop drinking.
• Well, Ill stop drinking when you stop nagging.
  Youre driving me crazy, no wonder I drink!

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Poor Conflict Communication

• Not listening
• Focusing on what youre going to say next and not
  paying attention to what your partner is saying
  now
• Passionate about getting your own point across
• Parallel monologues vs. dialogue

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Conflict Communication

• Characteristics of communication breakdown
• Partners feel hurt, misunderstood, not validated
• Conversations end without resolution
• Conversations are frustrating, emotionally
  draining
• Conversations marked by negative affect
  reciprocity
• Conversations become more intense over time, or
  they stop all together

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Conflict Communication

• Demand-withdraw pattern (Christensen et al.,
  1992)
• One partner pressures the other to change his/her
  behavior through emotional demands, criticisms,
  complaints
• In response, the partner retreats and withdraws
  both literally (walking out of the room) and
  figuratively (becoming silent, sullen, distant )
• Demand causes withdrawal, and withdrawal causes
  demand
• Women tend to demand, men tend to withdraw
• Low power demands, high power withdraws

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Conflict Communication

• What causes demand-withdraw pattern?
• Often a balance of closeness dilemma
• One partner wishes to be closer, more time
  together, more shared activities, more
  interdependence
• Other partner wants more distance, more privacy,
  more time alone, less interdependence
• Person who wants independence can often achieve
  their goal unilaterally (withdraw)
• But, person who wants more closeness cannot do
  it alone, thus the demand for the partners
  cooperation and change

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Importance of Affective Expression

• Gottman How do happy/unhappy couples differ in
  their affective tone?
• Happy couples
• They do have negative interactions
• They just have more positive ones to balance
  things out
• Happy couples ? 5 1 ratio of positives to
  negatives
• Unhappy couples
• More negatives than positives, or equal
  negative/positive
• More sequences of negative affect reciprocity
• Defensive, stubborn, angry, critical, whining,
  withdrawn
• Less affectionate, less joyful, less interested
  in partner

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Importance of Affective Expression

• Negative reciprocity is the hallmark of unhappy
  couples
• Happy couples sometimes do this, but are able to
  breakthe cycle
• Happy couples more likely to make repair attempts
  (make a joke, make a supportive comment, call a
  truce, show affection, apologize)
• Unhappy couples try to repair, but one partner
  often is not receptive and the repair fails

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Importance of Affective Expression

• Gottmans Four Horseman of the Apocalypse
• Criticizing constantly finding fault
• Contempt disrespectful, insulting, hostile
  humor
• Defensiveness self-protection,
  cross-complaining, counter-attacking
• Stonewalling withdrawn, becoming unresponsive,
  icy distance
• 3-minute interaction predicts divorce (6 yrs
  later) with 83 accuracy (Carrere Gottman,
  1999)

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Tips for improving communication

• Be specific, concrete, clear
• Vague ? Youre never affectionate
• Specific ? You only kiss me when you want to
  have sex
• Behavior description focus on discrete,
  manageable behaviors that can be changed
• Avoid the words never and always
• Be relevant, focused on current concern
• Avoid kitchen-sinking and cross-complaining
• Stay on target, on task, avoid getting off-beam

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Tips for improving communication

• Own your own feelings
• Use I statements instead of You statements
• Specify what caused your feelings
• XYZ ? When you did X, in situation Y, I felt Z
• Own your own perceptions
• Avoid mind-reading
• Tell your partner what you think (clearly)
• Ask your partner what he thinks (dont make
  assumptions)

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Tips for improving communication

• Active listening
• Paraphrase, perception checking
• Validation and understanding
• Acknowledge legitimacy of partners opinion
• Show respect for partners position (even if you
  disagree)
• Atmosphere of responsive care and concern
• Focus on negotiation, problem-solving
• Avoid win/lose thinking
• Focus on compromise, shared solutions

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Tips for improving communication

• Be wiling to give-in, to sacrifice
• Pick your battles, dont sweat the small stuff
• Be communal in your orientation
• Remember your joint interests
• Be willing to apologize and willing to forgive
• Avoid hurtful, rude, disrespectful messages
• Dont say things that you cant take back
• Be polite, stay calm
• If things get out of hand, take a time out

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Tips for improving communication

• Good communication requires
• Skills
• Perspective taking ability (Ariaga)
• Resources
• Cognitive/emotional energy
• Self-regulatory resources (Finkel)
• Motivation
• Commitment (Rusbult)