Coping with Difficult People

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Coping with Difficult People
Rob Houser August 18, 1999
rob_at_userfirst.net
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Why cope with difficulty?

• We rely on other people to do our jobs
• We cannot avoid conflict
• We must control stress in our lives
• We cannot change other people

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Why are people difficult?

• Feeling thwarted or threatened
• Exceptional levels of stress
• Your reactions to their difficult behavior
• Learned behavior (getting their way)
• Inflexibility (on both sides)

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What can you do about it?

• The goal of conflict resolution is not to
  eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to
  handle it constructively

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• Have you learned lessons only of those who
  admired you, and were tender with you, and stood
  aside for you?
• Have you not learned great lessons from those
  who braced themselves against you, and disputed
  the passage with you?
• ---Walt
  Whitman

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10 Common Difficult Behaviors

• Super-Agreeables
• Indecisives
• Unresponsives
• Negativists
• Complainers

• Sherman Tanks
• Snipers
• Exploders
• Know-it-all Experts
• Think-they-know-it-alls

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Sherman Tanks

• Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt,
  intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational
• Feel strong need to prove that their view of the
  world is always right
• Get irritated or angry if sense resistance
• See tasks as clear and concrete
• Value assertiveness and confidence

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Snipers

• Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to
  make you look foolish in groups
• Hides behind crowds and social constraints
• Often very witty
• Share Tanks strong sense of how others should
  act but is often unrealistic
• Can turn into a Tank if exposed

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Exploders

• Adult tantrum, rage barely under control
• When person feels thwarted and threatened
• May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream
• Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming
• Creates highest amount of resentment among others
  of all behaviors

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Know-it-all Experts

• Highly productive, thorough and accurate
  thinkers, careful planners
• Believe facts and knowledge provide stability
  answers lie within themselves
• Low tolerance for correction/contradiction
• Condescending, dont wait for others to catch up
  to their thought process or seek input from
  others

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Think-they-know-it-alls

• Seek the admiration and respect of others by
  trying to act like experts when they are not
• Dont always know they are not experts
• Curious people like to learn a little about a
  lot of things

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Super-Agreeables

• Want to be liked and loved by everyone
• Make others feel liked and approved of
• Tell you things that are satisfying to hear
• Often use humor to ease conversation
• Say Yes to everything but often dont deliver
  because they are over-committed
• Can secretly be resentful of doing so much

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Indecisives

• Put off making important decisions because they
  dont want to hurt anyone
• Have high standards
• Strive to help people
• Usually stall until the decision is made

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Unresponsives

• Close down, even when asked direct question
  (answer yes, no, I dont know)
• Clam up when you need a response or expect
  conversation
• Difficult to determine why they are silent

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Complainers

• Find fault with everything, complain constantly,
  accusatory, prescriptive
• Feel someone should be doing something but feel
  helpless to take action
• Have distinct idea of what should be done
• Usually is some truth to their complaints

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Negativists

• Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have
  little power over their lives
• Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers
• Bring others down quickly
• Say Weve tried this before or That wont
  work without looking for solutions

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• If civilization is to survive, we must
  cultivate the science of human relationships--the
  ability of all people, of all kinds, to live
  together, in the same world at peace.
• --- Franklin D.
  Roosevelt

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Acknowledge Positive Intent

• FOCUS ON TASKS
• Control (to get the job done)
• Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
• Perfection (to get it right)
• Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives

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Acknowledge Positive Intent

• FOCUS ON PEOPLE
• Approval Seeking (to get along)
• Super-agreeables, Indecisives
• Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
• Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers

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10 Coping Methods

• Super-Agreeables
• Indecisives
• Unresponsives
• Negativists
• Complainers

• Sherman Tanks
• Snipers
• Exploders
• Know-it-all Experts
• Think-they-know-it-alls

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Sherman Tanks
Get it done

• Stand up for yourself without fighting
• Get their attention, carefully
• Get them to sit down
• Restate the problem briefly
• Speak from your own point of view
• Be ready to be friendly

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Snipers
Get it done
Get appreciated

• Surface the attack immediately
• Ask about intent and relevancy
• Seek group confirmation or denial of the snipers
  criticism
• Move on to solve any problems uncovered
• Resolve on-going problems with friendly snipers
  in private

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Exploders
Get appreciated

• Give them time to run down
• Get their attention
• Show that you take them seriously
• Reduce the intensity (take a break)
• Identify and solve underlying problems

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Know-it-all Experts
Get it done

• Do your homework
• Listen and acknowledge respectfully
• Present your views indirectly
• Ask extensional questions to get details
• Acknowledge their competence
• Make time for reflection
• As last resort, let them be the expert

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Think-they-know-it-alls
Get appreciated

• Give them a little attention
• Clarify for specifics
• State the facts as an alternative version
• Give them a way out
• Break the cycle

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Super-agreeables
Get along

• Make honesty non-threatening
• Be personal - when you can
• Listen to their humor
• Be prepared to compromise if in conflict
• Help them learn to plan realistically
• Ensure commitment
• Strengthen the relationship

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Indecisives
Get along

• Establish a comfort zone
• Surface the issues
• Help them problem solve (make decision)
• Reassure after decision is made
• Ensure follow through
• Strengthen the relationship

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Unresponsives
Get it right

• Ask open-ended questions
• Use the friendly, silent stare
• Dont fill the space with words
• Comment on whats happening (guess)
• If person stays silent, terminate meeting and
  reschedule
• Show the future

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Negativists
Get it right

• Avoid getting drawn in by stating your own
  realistic optimism
• Dont argue
• Explore the problem before solutions
• Set a horror floor
• Use comments to make decisions
• Be ready to take action on your own

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Complainers
Get it right

• Listen attentively to their complaints
• Acknowledge what they say
• Be prepared to interrupt to get specifics
• Re-state the facts without agreeing or
  apologizing
• Move quickly into problem solving
• Draw the line (what do you expect to happen)

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• The person who grabs the cat by the tail
  learns about 44 percent faster than the one just
  watching.
• ---
  Mark Twain

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Practice, Practice, Practice

• Practice coping techniques in safe situations
  (like in STC)
• Role play how you will handle difficult
  situations before you confront a known difficult
  person

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Basic Strategy

• Determine positive intent/valued criteria
• Listen (but stop destructive behavior)
• Summarize (length depends on behavior)
• Clarify questions to collect details

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Basic Strategy

• Speak to be heard
• State your positive intent
• Tell your story from your point of view
• Dont damage the relationship, if possible

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Conclusion

• Avoid attributing internal motives to behavior
• Always look for positive intent
• Remember that everybody is somebodys difficult
  person sometime

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Recommended Books

• Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People.
  Dell Publishing. New York 1981.
• Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People
  Styles at Work. American Management Association.
  New York 1996
• Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With
  People You Cant Stand. R.R. Donnelley Sons.
  New York 1994.