Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters Chapter 9

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Interpersonal Communication Everyday
EncountersChapter 9
Managing Conflict in Relationships
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• Interpersonal Conflict exists when people who
  depend on each other express different views,
  interests or goals that they perceive as
  incompatible or opposed. It is Expressed
  Disagreement.

With all that drinking, Im surprised you even
noticed!!
I was really hurt by your behavior.
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Conflict is a normal, inevitable part of
most interpersonal relationships.

• Principal 1 Conflict is natural in
  relationships

• Principal 2 Conflict may be overt or covert

Overt conflict is out in the open
explicit. Covert conflict is expressed
indirectly.

• Principal 3 Social Groups shape the meaning
  of conflict behaviors

Cultural upbringing, gender and race
dictate reactions to conflict.
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Using I language and monitoring the
self-serving bias will help when faced
with conflict.

• Principal 4 Conflict can be managed well or
  poorly

• Principal 5 Conflict can be good for
  individuals and relationships

When managed properly, positive and
affirmative conflict provides
opportunities to grow, learn and strengthen
relationships.
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• Orientations to Conflict
• Lose Lose assumes all conflict is
  inevitably negative, unhealthy and
  destructive to relationships. Conflict is
  avoided at all costs and is constricting.
• Win Lose assumes conflict is a battle
  where only one can be victorious. Effective
  with a low commitment and little desire to
  care for the relationship.
• Win Win assumes conflict presents an
  opportunity to resolve difference where
  everyone can be victorious. All participants
  are committed to their own and the others
  satisfaction.

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• Responses to Conflict
• The Exit Response is a refusal to talk about
  problems. It tends to be destructive
  because it doesnt address problems. It is
  associates with Lose-Lose and Win-Lose.
• The Neglect Response is an avoidance or
  neglecting of problems. It is generally
  destructive as well because it doesnt
  resolve tension. It is also associated with
  Lose- Lose and Win-Lose.
• The Loyalty Response is a decision to tolerate
  the differences in a conflict. It tends
  to be constructive, at least for the short
  run, because it preserves the
  relationship. It is associated with Lose-Lose.
• The Voice Response is an identification of
  problems and involves a desire to deal
  with them. It is generally the most
  constructive method of resolving conflict because
  it implies a shared value in the
  relationship and a desire to preserve it.
  It is associated with Win-Win.

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• Unproductive Conflict Communication
• Early Stages fail to confirm individuals.
  People tend to listen poorly and may
  communicate disdain non-verbally.
  Cross-complaining often occurs while
  dual perspective is low and
  defensiveness is high.
• Middle Stages are stoked by additional
  unconstructive communication, such as,
  kitchen- sinking or the hauling out a
  laundry list of old gripes. Oftentimes
  this disrupts the flow and effectiveness
  of the discussion. Cross- complaining
  continues.
• Later Stages degrade into counterproposals
  where the participants push their own
  solutions rather than considering the
  others perspective. Egocentric discourse
  ensues and participants are often embroiled
  in metacommunication and lose sight of the
  original issue.

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• Constructive Conflict Communication
• Early Stages confirms individuals by
  establishing a good climate through
  listening, recognizing and acknowledging
  each others concerns feelings.
  Openness clears the way for effective discussion
  of how to increase closeness. Participants
  work together to solve a problem.
• Middle Stages dig deeper into issues through
  Agenda Building while staying focused on
  the main conflict. When side issues
  surface, participants use Bracketing
  where they mutually decide to cover the side
  matter at a later time. Acknowledgement
  takes place of cross- complaining.
• Later Stages resolve the tension while
  operating collaboratively. Participants
  engage in Contracting where they build a
  solution through negotiation and acceptance
  of parts of the proposals.

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• Conflict Management Skills 1 - 4
• Attending to a Relationship Level of Meaning
  focus on the content level of meaning to
  deal with the issue or problem and the
  relationship level of meaning to
  consistently communicate respect and
  attentiveness to the relationship.
• Communicate Supportively monitor communication
  to ensure it encourages a supportive
  climate while being descriptive,
  provisional, spontaneous, problem oriented,
  empathetic and egalitarian.
• Listen Mindfully to consider the other persons
  ideas or criticisms. Show respect by
  paying attention and seeking to understand
  to open the door to a conversation.
• Take Responsibility for your thoughts, feelings
  and issues. I language is a cornerstone to
  owning your perspective and seeking a mutual
  Win-Win resolution. Use statements
  showing ownership like I feel angry when
  you are late instead of your lateness makes me
  angry.

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• Conflict Management Skills 5 - 8
• Check Perceptions to avoid distortion by
  paraphrasing what was heard. Ask direct
  questions, being careful to avoid
  communication that fosters defensiveness. This
  is particularly important with online
  communications.
• Look for Points of Agreement in search for a
  common ground, likely on other matters
  related to the conflict. Doing so shows
  each participant cares about the other and
  respects their feelings.
• Look for Ways to Preserve the Others Face to
  help avoid embarrassment or shame to
  ensure no one participant feels defeated
  or stupid. Be gracious to ensure the safety
  of dignity and face.
• Imagine How youll Feel in the Future before
  saying a thing. Think about how you will
  feel tomorrow, next week or next year if
  the original reaction were to be expressed.
  This will help the communication to remain
  ethical while fostering self-respect and
  supporting the continuation of the
  relationship.

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• Guidelines for Effective Communication during
  Conflict 1-3
• Focus on the Overall Communication System as
  communication is systemic. It occurs in
  context and is composed of many interacting
  parts. Empower conflict management skills
  to resolve issues.
• Time Conflict Purposefully at a time when both
  people will be fully psychologically present
  to foster a good climate of listening and
  thoughtful responses. Generally not advisable
  to engage in conflict in the heat of anger.
• Aim for a Win-Win by entering a conflict with
  the assumption that you, the other person
  and the relationship can all benefit from
  the conflict. Identify your feelings, needs and
  desires in clear language and ascertain
  these same things from the other individual.
  Listen mindfully and use language that
  promotes cooperation. Continually remind
  yourself that win- win solutions are most
  likely when both people balance concern for
  themselves and concern for each other.

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• Guidelines for Effective Communication during
  Conflict 4 - 5
• Honor Yourself, Your Partner and the
  Relationship as constructive conflict
  communication is impossible if you disregard or
  demean the other persons needs and feelings or
  disregard your own needs and feelings. Express
  feelings and needs clearly. Focus on
  constructive forms of communication
• Show Grace When Appropriate to grant
  forgiveness or put aside your own needs when
  there is no standard that says you should or must
  do so. Grace is not forgiving when we should,
  but rather, it is unearned and unrequired
  kindness. This involves letting go of anger,
  blame and judgments about what has transpired.
  It is given without strings, not to make a friend
  feel grateful or indebted. No One is Perfect!
  We All Make Mistakes and Wound Others! But Being
  Gracious Allows the Richest and Most Enduring
  Relationships to Grow!

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Activity Time!!!!

• You put a can of soda in the refrigerator at work
  and it disappears. Later you discover who stole
  it.

How would you handle this situation?