How To Communicate With And Attach To Your Child

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How To Communicate With And Attach To Your Child

• Stephanie Fidler, PsyD
• Licensed Psychologist

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God did not give you a spirit of fear, but a
spirit of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-DICIPLINE!!!2
Tim. 17
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Discussion Questions

• 1.What is your most embarrassing parent/child
  moment? OR What is your favorite family
  tradition?
• 2. What do you hope to learn from this
  presentation?

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Topics

• What is healthy attachment and how do I know if
  there are problems?
• What techniques help with healthy attachment?
• Guidelines for overall parenting and self-care
• What special considerations should be given for
  transracial adoption?
• How do I talk with my child about adoption during
  different developmental stages?

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Healthy Attachment

• Attachment is defined as the affectional tie
  between two people This bond becomes internally
  representative of how the child will form
  relationship with the world. (Thomas, 2005)
• The initial relationship between self and others
  serves as blueprints for all future
  relationships. (Bowlby, 1973)

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Signs of Healthy Attachment

• Willing to look parents in the eye when talking
• Willing to take responsibility
• Ability to control impulses
• Understands cause and affect relationships
• Ability to carry on meaningful conversation
• Developmentally appropriate truth telling
• Shows appropriate fear of strangers

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• Prefers close proximity to primary caregiver but
  not in an anxious, desperate way.
• Consistently sleeps well and peacefully.
• Wants to please primary caregiver because he
  knows it will make his parent happy.
• Reacts appropriately to pain wants primary
  caregiver to nurture him when in pain or sick
  easily consoled.
• Uses food appropriately. Recognizes when hungry
  and full.
• Shows true personality to primary caregiver and
  family and friends (discovering a childs innate
  personality takes time.)
• Initiates sweet nothing talk with primary
  caregiver.
• Shows appropriate stranger anxiety.
• Displays age appropriate anxiety at brief
  separation from primary caregiver but is able to
  be reassured.
• Reunites happily with primary caregiver with eye
  contact and physical contact.
• -A4everFamily in consultation with Kali Miller,
  PhD Back  

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• Signs of Healthy Attachment Even children who
  are experiencing attachment strain may have some
  of these signs of healthy attachment. Knowledge
  of positive attachment will help parents build on
  the areas that are strengths, but should not be
  used to ignore indicationseven mild ones--that a
  baby/child is experiencing difficulty.
• Joyful the majority of the time.
• Seeks out primary caregiver for comfort and to
  meet needs.
• Likes to be cradled and held facing primary
  caregiver.
• Makes good eye contact with primary caregiver and
  initiates eye contact--both close distant
  proximity.
• When primary caregiver makes eye contact, the
  child smiles back, showing signs of being happy
  with the interaction.
• Smiles and exhibits pleasure when seeing self in
  the mirror.
• Frequently engages in playful interactions with
  primary caregiver (interactions initiated by both
  parent and child.)
• Uses different cries to alert primary caregiver
  of needs and wants easily consoled by primary
  caregiver.
• Accepts limits placed by primary caregiver.

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• Willingly allows primary caregiver to hold
  bottle, hand feed, and nurture.
• Melts into primary caregiver when held lays head
  on shoulder holds on when held faces primary
  caregiver rather than away.
• Enjoys cuddling, hugs, and kisses given by
  primary caregiver and initiates cuddling, hugs,
  and kisses without wanting something in return.
• Can co-sleep without major difficulty.
• Prefers primary caregiver to all others.
• Imitates primary caregiver regularly (actions,
  language, etc.)
• Content to sit on primary caregivers lap or stay
  in primary caregivers arms for an age
  appropriate amount of time.
• Settles quickly when held by primary caregiver.
• Enjoys skin on skin contact.

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• and physical contact.
• Show signs of feeling safe in social situations
  able to play and interact with others, but stays
  close and checks in with primary caregiver
  regularly but not in an anxious or desperate way.
  
• Is gentle to self and others.
• Gets along with other children siblings most of
  the time.
• Is okay with primary caregiver leaving the room
  for short periods of time. Conversely, cares that
  primary caregiver has left the room and shows
  happiness when that person returns.
• Speech/language skills are developing
  appropriately.
• Angry outbursts/tantrums are infrequent, short in
  duration. Parent can soothe child.
• Normal discipline methods/parenting techniques
  are effective.
• Child can identify his own feelings (at an age
  appropriate level.)
• Child can identify the feelings of others (at an
  age appropriate level.)
• Child can delay gratification (at an age
  appropriate level.)

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Attachment Screener
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When to seek help

• As a parent, you will likely feel that something
  is off, or your child is different.
• Consider professional help if multiple symptoms
  are present from the list.
• Treatment prior to age 12 has much higher success
  rates.

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Finding a Therapist

• A willingness to work with the mother and child
• Strong and able to be in charge
• History of working with attachment and specific
  training

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For Help Finding a Therapist

• Attach.org

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Healthy Attachment Techniques

• Infants
• Serious
• General

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Infants

• Breastfeed if possible
• ALWAYS hold the bottle (never prop)
• Carry baby in sling ATLEAST 6 hours per day
• Massage baby 20 minutes per day smiling and using
  soft voice
• Use positive verbal and auditory cues during
  feeding
• Respond to attempts for attention with joy
• Delay painful medical procedure if possible
• Play soothing music
• Baby should sleep near parents (some say with)
• Only mom and dad feed baby
• Use front facing stroller
• Skin to skin contact
• Hold and rock daily using verbal, auditory, and
  tactile
• Nancy Thomas (2005)

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Serious Techniques

• Strong Sitting
• The parent is in charge of physical affection
• Therapeutic riding
• Snuggle time (love, laughter, and kindness)

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Strong Sitting

• Describe as Amazingly Powerful
• Supposed to help the brain shift gears
• Sit on floor, back straight, hands folded, and
  neck straight
• Quiet and no distractions

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How long?

• One minute for every year of life

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What does it do?

• Helps to develop love, attachment, logic, and
  reasoning
• Strong Sitting causes the brain to shift to and
  develop these underdeveloped parts
• Each minute spent doing this correctly exercises
  the love and logic parts of the brain!!!!
  (Thomas, 2005)

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Snuggle Time

• Touch
• Movement
• Eye Contact
• Sugar
• Smile!!

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Snuggle Time Demonstration
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General Techniques

• Learn to speak the Five Love Languages
• I Love You Rituals

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The Five Love Languages of Children

• Gary Chapman Ross Campbell, M.D.

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5 Love Languages

1. Physical Touch
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Acts of Service

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How many hugs should you give your child per
day????

• 2
• 8
• 12

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Love Language Interview 1
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Love Language Interview 2
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Love Language Interview 3
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I Love You Rituals

• Becky A. Bailey, PH.D.

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I Love You Rituals

• Children ages 0-8
• Boost brain potential
• Encourage cooperation and caring
• Promote learning and literacy
• Increase attention and decrease power struggles
• Build bonds of unconditional love

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Good Ritual Times

• Wake up
• Bed time
• Special time (b-days, losing a tooth, graduation)
• Hello and Goodbye
• Before and after school

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Fun Rituals

• Tell Me When I Am At The End
• Mr. Sun
• Blanket Volleyball

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How many hugs per day????

• 12

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Parenting and self-care

• This is a must!!!!

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Self-Care Basics

• Sleep
• Physical Food
• Exercise
• Spiritual food
• Breaks
• Support System
• Nurture a strong marital relationship
• Hobby/Identity outside of being a parent

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Sleep

• Minimum of 7
• Ideal of 8 or 9

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Physical Food

• 4-6 small meals a day
• Limit caffeine
• Eat as much whole food as possible
• Limit carbs and sugar

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Hobbies

• What do you enjoy doing?

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Spiritual Food

• Make a commitment to spend time daily with God.
• How much??
• Approximately 76 times, Jesus states, I tell you
  the truth.

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Breaks

• Parents need at least one outing per week either
  together or separate
• 5 minute breaks are priceless!!
• Couples need at least 2 dates per month
• How many times did Jesus Rest?

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How many hugs per day???

• 12

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Support

• Group
• Friends
• Family
• Spouse

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Exercise

• Minimum 30 minutes 5 X per week
• Increase production of neurotransmitters
• Numerous studies prove exercise has same efficacy
  as anti-depressant if consistent over 1 month
• Setting a good example

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Strong marital relationship

• God first, spouse second, kids third

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Healthy Marriage List
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Transracial Adoption Special considerations

• Educate and openly discuss ethnic heritage
  teaching the child to feel good with how God made
  them.
• Teach 0 tolerance regarding racism!!
• Prepare children for stupid questions and
  comments.
• Respect the childs right to privacy

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Focus of open communication

• Adoption Story
• How to react to others
• Educate about racism in our society

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Specific Suggestions for Parents

• Gail Steinberg Beth Hall

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Do everything in your power to make friends with
at least one family who shares your childs
racial heritage
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Join in recreational, religious, or educational
groups or activities with members of your childs
racial or ethnic group.
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Shop go to restaurants, movies, and
beauty/barber shops with people of your childs
heritage.
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Seek out special events such as museum exhibits,
street fairs, musical productions that are likely
to be attended by people of your childs heritage.
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Choose professionals of the same ethnicity.
(doctors dentist, teacher, etc.)
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Choose schools with diversity in mind
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Join adoptive parent groups with other
transracially adoptive families, especially
families with similar background to your child.
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Nearly a dozen studies consistently indicate
that approximately 75 of transracially adopted
pre-adolescent and younger children adjust well
in their adoptive homes. (Silverman, 1993)
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The Challenge

• Find the balance between talking to much about
  differences and not talking enough.

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How many hugs?
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Communicating About Adoption

• Most important LISTEN carefully and provide
  specific/short answers
• Kids will typically be satisfied with direct
  answers specific to what they ask
• Create an environment that encourages open
  discussion
• You MUST attempt to have an understanding of your
  childs perspective.

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Pre-School Years

• Books
• Adoption book
• Use appropriate terms
• When the communication starts early, children do
  not remember being told
• Bring up adoption occasionally even if your child
  does not

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Ways to work into conversation

• The day we adopted you, we took a million
  pictures!
• When we adopted you, we lived in Dallas.
• It was a beautiful spring day when we brought
  you home.

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Talking to Your Child About Adoption Schaefer
Publishing, PO Box 7487, Santa Cruz, CA 95061
7.75
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Most Important

• Timing
• Tone
• Content
• Remember, open, honest, direct, and keep it
  question specific. Otherwise, you may give too
  much information

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Communication Video
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Casual commentary gives your child permission to
discuss adoption when he feels like it (Dorner)
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Where to Get More Information

• Attach.org
• Daniel Hughes (author) Nancy Thomas (author)
• Adoption.org