Key Concepts in Intimate Relationships

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Key Concepts in Intimate Relationships

• Chapter 11

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Expectations of Love

• Are they realistic?
• Do they cause harm or disappointment?
• Do they sustain long-term relationships?
• How do we avoid problems pitfalls?

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Sternbergs Theory of Love

• 3 elements
• Intimacy trust, caring, warmth, honesty,
  understanding established by open, clear, honest
  communication self-disclosure
• Passion sexual desire physical attraction
• Commitment a conscious decision that one is
  willing to make sacrifices to maintain the
  relationship for the long-term

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Sternbergs Theory of Love

• Types of Love
• Liking friendship intimacy only
• Infatuation passion only
• Empty love commitment only
• Romantic love passion intimacy
• Companionate love intimacy commitment
• Fatuous love commitment passion
• Consummate love all three elements

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Sternbergs Theory of Love

• In any one type of love, the elements are not
  necessarily in equal amounts or balance.
• Relationships may move from one type of love to
  another

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Lees Love Styles

• Primary Styles
• eros based primarily on physical attraction
• ludus game-playing love excitement of
  juggling relationships uses lies deception
  controls emotions
• storge stable, deep, long-term based on
  mutual respect friendship

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Lees Love Styles

• Secondary Styles
• Pragma practical evaluates costs benefits
  goal of long-term friendship that does not
  prioritize passion storge ludus
• Mania combines the passion of eros with the
  game-playing of ludus
• Agape combines eros and storge love should be
  unconditional without regard for reciprocity

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Lees Love Styles

• Culture Gender differences
• Women are more likely to have pragma storge
• Men are more likely to favor ludus
• Asian Americans favor storge pragma more than
  other Americans
• Latinos are more likely to show Ludus than
  Euro-Americans
• Agape more prevalent among the French than
  Americans
• Americans prefer storge mania more than the
  French

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Attraction Mate Selection

• Proximity
• Physical attractiveness
• Similarity

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Attraction Mate Selection

• Proximity
• Geographical closeness (Who lives next door?)
• This leads to opportunity.
• This also leads to familiarity (mere exposure
  effect).

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Attraction Mate Selection

• Physical attractiveness
• What is beautiful is good.
• Get hired more often.
• Get higher salaries.
• Less often convicted of crimes.
• Desired qualities attributed to them

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Attraction Mate Selection

• Physical attractiveness
• Facial features (women) big eyes, full lips,
  small chin nose, well-defined cheekbones, broad
  smile
• Facial features (men) strong jaws, broad
  foreheads
• All clear skin, white teeth

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Attraction Mate Selection

• Physical attractiveness
• Symmetry of face body.
• Waist-hip ratio (women, 70 men 90)
• Health, youth, vitality, fertility
• Degree of thinness varies by culture and history

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Attraction Mate Selection

• Matching in physical attractiveness
• Seek the most attractive mate we think we can get
• Social exchange theory may offer stability,
  personality, etc. to balance physical
  attractiveness
• Individual differences in importance given to
  attractiveness related to own self-monitoring
• Long-term relationships emotional stability,
  agreeable personality, trustworthiness become
  more important

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Attraction Mate Selection

• Similarity (important areas)
• Demographics age, race, religion, income level,
  educational level, etc.
• Attitudes values provides validation of our
  own values
• Personality temperament, pleasantness,
  dominance (fairly weak relationships)

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Attraction Mate Selection

• Internet
• Use on the rise
• More control over self-presentation, pace of the
  relationship
• Easier self-disclosure
• Easier flirting
• Physical attractiveness may be less important
• Feel psychologically safer
• May be a good training ground for relationships
• Need to be careful

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Realistic Expectations

• Passionate love intense arousal and absorption
  with a partner
• Brains produce dopamine PEA (pleasure chemicals
  that give us a natural high)
• The brain cannot sustain this with repeated
  episodes (much like drug tolerance)
• Allow our imaginations to run wild in
  assumptions/expectations of the other person
  (This will be corrected by experience.)
• When all this begins to diminish, some people
  conclude that they are no longer in love.

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Realistic Expectations

• Companionate Love strong, friendship-based,
  much more stable
• Trust, mutual respect, affection, honesty,
  communication, happiness, sharing
• Combination of intimacy commitment
• Increases over time in healthy relationships
• Passionate love gets people into relationships
  commitment sustains them intimacy makes them grow

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Realistic Expectations

• What happens to passion in long-term
  relationships?
• Diminishes over time, but does not disappear
• Expressed affection and frequency of sex have a
  strong tendency to decline fairly rapidly
• Passion is related to novelty and can be
  rekindled dont let the relationship get boring
• Passion is a function of change in emotion
  relationship change
• An increase in intimacy can lead to an increase
  in passion
• Sex releases the hormone oxytocin which increases
  the desire for emotional bonding with the
  partner, so passion and intimacy may form a
  bonding loop.

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• Keys to successful long-term relationships
• 1. importance of communication
• 2. importance of positive attributions
• 3. build an emotional bank account
• 4. importance of shared power
• 5. avoiding the four horsemen
• 6. conflict management tools
• 7.creating shared meaning

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• At the core of the principles is the need to
  create and nurture intimacy.
• The very trust that we so value causes us to take
  our relationships for granted.
• In other words, we spend time on other things at
  the expense of the relationship while assuming
  that the relationship is strong enough to take it.

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• 1. Importance of Communication
• Detailed Love Maps
• Deep and broad awareness of the partner
• Include likes dislikes, fondest hopes dreams,
  deepest fears, significant memories, closest
  friends, preferences about everything
• Need frequent updating due to new experiences

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• 2. Importance of Positive Attributions
• As long as we are generally positive about the
  relationship, we give our partner the benefit of
  the doubt in negative situations
• Climate can shift quickly from positive to
  negative
• As couple begins to take each other for granted,
  small misunderstandings lead to negative feelings
  and extinguish warm feelings and respect

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• 3. Building an Emotional Bank Account
• Doing the little things that foster a sense of
  connection
• And not forgetting to do them
• And noticing and appreciating those your partner
  does for you

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• 4. Importance of Shared Power
• 81 of the time, men who cannot overcome the
  tendency to escalate anger and to dominate end up
  divorced (Gottman Silver, 1999)
• Girls are better socialized to power sharing and
  reciprocity and initiate discussions about
  confict issues about 80 of the time

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• 5. Avoiding the Four Horsemen
• Key to relationship health lies in the ratio of
  positive to negative interactions (5 for every
  1-)
• Small positive interactions include smiles,
  touches, etc. small negatives include glares,
  etc.
• There is no one size fits all method of
  conflict resolution.

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• The Four Horsemen are the phases in the demise of
  a marriage
• 1. criticism judgmental, directed at the
  person, you language
• 2. contempt sarcasm, mocking, name-calling,
  eye-rolling strong message of disrespect
  superiority develops from long-standing
  resentment
• 3. defensiveness avoiding taking any
  responsibility for the problem interacts with
  criticism to build negativity
• 4. stonewalling withdrawing and leaving the
  other partner helpless and devoid of information
  (85 of the time the stonewaller is male)

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• 6. Conflict Management Tools
• 1. soft start-up (I language)
• 2. Repair attempts (Try to make things a little
  less tense.) apologies, time-outs, benevolent
  humor, etc.
• 3. Self-soothing/soothing each other Take at
  least a 20-minute time-out to get your heart rate
  down so that you can pay attention to the other.
• 4. Finding common ground compromising
• 5. Accepting each others flaws

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• Some conflicts cannot be solved - gridlock
• Do not get into a repeating cycle of frustrating
  and unproductive conflict.
• Remember that the other persons stubborn and
  irrational stand may have at its root a
  long-standing and deeply-held need or dream.
• Both partners make lists of areas where they can
  and cannot be flexible.
• You may have to accept your partners position
• Thank you partner if he/she accepts yours.
• There may be a long-term, gradual resolution.

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Gottmans Seven Principles

• 7. Creating Shared Meaning
• Couple traditions
• Family traditions
• Together experiences like vacations
• Private jokes
• Etc.