Love in Interpersonal Relationships

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Love in Interpersonal Relationships

• Lecture by
• Dr. Alan D. DeSantis

My Favorite Romantic Drama
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What is Love?

• Robert Sternbergs Three Ingredients
• 1. Intimacy
• -Sharing, communication, mutual support, trust
• 2. Passion
• Not just physical, also emotional
• 3. Commitment
• Long-term focus

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Sternbergs Ingredients

• All Three are needed!
• Only intimacy, you have friendship
• Only passion, you have infatuation/lust
• Only commitment, you have empty love
• But how can we account for the different types of
  love people experience?

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Six Types of LoveFrom Lee (1976)
My Favorite Classic Romance
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The Theory of Love Types

• 1. We have all of these 6 love types in our
  relationships
• 2. What separates us is the degrees of each (each
  person is different)
• 3. Degrees can change with time
• In 10 years, 6 is largest / 4 is smallest
• 4. Every relationship we have may differ
• In your first relationship, you are insecure
  passionate
• (Because s/he was non-committal sexual)
• In your next, you are calm relaxed
• (Because s/he was nurturing and warm)
• Key Others make us who we are in relationships

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1
5
2
4
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My Chart
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1) Eros Love

• Highly passionate, sexual, intense
• Often Believe in
• Love as Magical
• Love as fate
• Love at first sight
• Very American
• Movie Titanic / Romeo and Juliet / Ghosts /
  Sweet Home Alabama / Natural Born Killers /
  Princess Bride / Sleepless in Seattle / Snow
  White, Sleeping Beauty Cinderella
• Hollywood loves eros love!

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2) Ludus Love

• The Players love
• Will often
• Keep their passions in check
• Avoid trouble and intensity
• Feel uncomfortable about commitment
• Keep secrets
• Have affairs
• Remember, we all have a little ludus in us
• When a relationship gets too intense (or is no
  longer fun), they leave
• Movie Great Expectations / St. Elmos Fire /
  Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons
• Hollywoods Formula Ludus plays with Eros--Eros
  is crushed

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3) Storge Love

• Peaceful and slow
• Not passionate and intense
• Friendship is key
• Difficult to separate from friendships
• This love . . .
• Develops over time
• Endures long periods of inactivity or excitement
• Lacks the heat of eros and the games of ludus
• Movie Harry Met Sally / The Wedding Singer / My
  Best Friends Wedding / Shrek / Youve Got Mail /
  Beauty and the Beast / 2 Weeks Notice / How To
  Lose A Guy / Tootsie

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4) Pragma Love

• Practical
• Looking for types
• Parents, , race, nationality, family, etc.
• Love is logical More stable
• Not magical, but rational
• Movie Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As
  It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek
  Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan / Notting
  Hill
• Hollywood Formula Woman settles for pragma
  love--but is unhappy

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5) Mania Love

• Extreme highs and lows
• Jealousy
• Obsessive
• Self-worth comes from the relationship
• Nothing else matters
• Movie Fatal Attraction / Something About Mary /
  American Beauty / The Crush / Memento / Taxi
  Driver / Swim Fan
• Hollywood Formula slashing tires, stalking,
  going into exile, drinking, etc..

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6) Agape (Alan) Love

• This love is . . .
• Compassionate
• Selfless
• Egoless
• No concern for personal reward or gain
• Want the best for the other person
• Movie Forrest Gump / Man Love a Women / John Q /
  Casablanca /

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Test Time

• Take out pen and paper
• Number your paper from 1 to 24
• Select one relationship to analyze
• Past or Present
• Be honest---these will NOT be collected!

Love It!!
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• 1) My lover and I have the perfect physical
  chemistry between us
• 2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant
  for each other (fate)
• 3) My lover and I really understand each other
  (soul mates)
• 4) My lover fits my ideal standards of physical
  beauty (my idea of a 10)
• 5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain
  about my commitment to him/her
• 6) I believe that what my lover doesnt know
  about me wont hurt him/her (I keep secrets)

Love??
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• 7) It is important that our relationship is fun
  and exciting
• 8) When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want
  them to back off
• 9) To be genuine, love must develop over time
  (not an over-night thing)
• 10) I expect to always be friends with my lover
• 11) Our love is really a deep friendship, not a
  mysterious, mystical emotion
• 12) Our love is the most satisfying because it
  developed from, and is based on, a deep caring
  relationship

Too Sappy
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• 13) In choosing my lover, I believed it was best
  to love someone with a similar background
• 14) A main consideration in choosing my lover was
  whether my family would approve
• 15) An important factor in choosing a partner is
  whether or not he/she would be a good parent
• 16) One consideration in choosing my lover was
  what career he/she selected
• 17) When things arent right with my lover and
  me, my stomach gets upset
• 18) Sometimes I get so excited about being in
  love with my lover that I cant sleep

I Dont Get It?
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• 19) When my lover doesnt pay attention to me, I
  feel sick all over (emotionally, physically,
  etc.)
• 20) I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is
  with someone else
• 21) I try to always help my lover through
  difficult times
• 22) I would rather suffer myself than let my
  lover suffer
• 23) When my lover gets angry with me, I still
  love him/her fully and unconditionally
• 24) I would endure all things for the sake of my
  lover

Gotta Love the 80s
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Calculating the Results

• Statements
• 1-4 are Eros
• 5-8 are Ludus
• 9-12 are Storge
• 13-16 are Pragma
• 17-20 are Manic
• 21-24 are Agapic
• Highlight your high and low brackets
• 3 to 4 Trues or Falses are Markers

Not All Love Is Healthy Love
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Now What?

• 1) What do these findings tell you about
  yourself?
• Illuminate Mistakes?
• Illuminate Successes?
• Do you wish you could make different decisions
  about love?
• 2) Do it again with another love in mind
• See how they differ
• 3) Have your boy/girlfriend take the test with you

Im Embarrassed
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General Findings

• I. National Findings on Love Test
• A. Men Eros and Luduc
• B. Women Manic, Pragma, and Stroge
• C. Age and Evolution
• Eros and Mania are young loves
• In time, couples grow into Stroge and Agape love

YUK!!
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General Research

• II. National Statistics on Love and Sex
• A. Infatuations
• First infatuation (W 13 / M 13.6)
• First love (W 17.1/ M 17.6)
• B. Gender and VirginityWomen Sooner
• Average age for 1st time sex 16 W / 17 M
• of virgins 18-24 years 6.2 W / 10.8 M
• Notice Sex comes before love
• Note Since oral sex is not considered sex,
  figures are misleading
• Many still consider themselves virgins even
  after multiple oral partners

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General Research

• III. Romantic Love (believe it or not)
• A. Married men have a more romantic concept of
  love than their wives
• Men believe in love at first sight more
• More men believe love can overcome anything
• B. Twice as many women would marry for reasons
  other than love
• In 1965, 75 of women said they would marry a man
  they did not love if he fit the bill in other
  ways
• Today, only about 10 of American women say they
  would (Whitehead, 2003)
• 49 in Indians
• 51 in Pakistan

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• III. Romantic Love (cont.)
• C. After divorce, Men are more likely to get
  re-married
• And sooner
• D. Married men are psychologically and physically
  healthier, but not so for women
• Reason 1 Without their wives, most men have no
  support system and no one to talk to about lifes
  stresses
• Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide
  after divorce
• Reason 2 Women do most of the work in most
  relationships (even when both are working outside
  the home)

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General Findings

• IV. Age, Love, and Sex (1999 AARP Survey)
• 60 of couples 45-60 years old report having sex
  once a week (the average for all couples)
• 20 over 75 report having sex once a week
• After 50 years of age, men become more romantic
  women become more sexually assertive
• Majority of couples over 55 report finding their
  significant other more romantic and attractive

Beautiful Film