Nonviolent Communication

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Nonviolent Communication Sr. Ana Elídia Caffer
Neves Brazil North Province
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Communication for peace

• Compassionate Communication
• Nonviolent communication

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Personal Reflection

• Get in touch with your heart
• Identify the feelings you have experienced more
  strongly during this seminar.
• Also identify your main needs during this
  seminar.
• Were your needs satisfied?

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Learning Nonviolence
13th General Chapter Directions

• New Perception We recognize that violence
  exists in and among us and that we are part of
  the violent systems.
• Direction Build communities and societies of
  Gospel justice, reconciliation and healing where
  personal and social violence in any form has no
  place.

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Triangle of Violence Johan Galtung
Direct Violence
Visible
Invisible
Structural Violence
Cultural Violence
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Human Needs Maslows Pyramid
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What is nonviolent communication?
It is a form of interpersonal communication
inspired by compassion and solidarity. It
helps to improve relations and to act with
practical and effective means to promote
peace. Founded by the psychologist Dr. Marshall
Rosenberg, it is used by a world network of
mediators, facilitators and volunteers.
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Who is Marshall Rosenberg?
North American Psychologist of Jewish origin
From the 60s on, he developed Nonviolent
Communication (NVC) to help resolve conflicts. At
present Non Violent Communication serves as a
tool for resolving conflicts in more than 65
countries. NVC is also applied - in the
development of new social systems,partnership
and in power sharing - in the field of
Education, - in Restoratives Circles and in the
practice of the Restorative Justice
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Marshall Rosenberg

He travels around the world to mediate in
conflicts and proposes programs of peace to
regions devastated by war. He offers courses and
conferences on calm response to the verbal
conflicts in our daily dealings. He sees the key
to overcoming disagreements and quarrels in the
way we speak and listen to others.
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Introduction
The jackal and the giraffe
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The language of the violence
In childhood we learn to communicate in a
violent and aggressive way to achieve our
goals/aims. This is head level communication
which does not take into account our feelings.
Moralist (classifies everything as good and
bad, true and false) It is tendentious and
judges people. And always blames others. It is
demanding and thinks that others have the
obligation to satisfy our personal needs.
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The language of love
We can learn another way to communicate which
makes for peace.
This communication comes from the heart. It is
in contact with our feelings and needs. It is
true and honest It neither judges nor looks down
on others It lets us assume responsibility for
our own emotions. It enables us to state clearly
what we wish without imposing or demanding.
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The secret of Giraffe

• Faced with any kind of violent communication the
  Giraffe only listens

Please help me!
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The starting point of NVC
To recognize in ourselves and in the others the
presence of God, which Dr. Marshall calls
Divine Energy. This divine presence in me
is what recognizes the divine presence in the
other person.
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Heart of the NVC cooperation
We human beings act to satisfy our needs,
principles and basic and universal values.
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How does NVC function?
As an alternative to face the day to day
conflicts
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Personal Exercise

• Think of a person with whom you find it difficult
  to relate.

• Observe
• Why do I have this difficulty in relating to
  her/him?
• What did this person do to displease me?

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Group sharing
Look at your notes
Are they objective observations of reality and
descriptions of the facts?

Are they judgments about another person your
criticism of her way of being your opinions or
prejudices about her?
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How does NVC Function?
As an alternative to face the day to day conflicts
Conflicts with companions, family, members of
the same community , persons with different
opinions and cultures.
Cycles of Painful emotions
When we overcome the destructive logic of anger,
punishment, shame and blame.
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For this
We need to communicate clearly and honestly.
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To communicate honestly and clearly means always
to state the truth and express objectively

• What did the person do?
• How did I feel?
• What need of mine was not met?
• What do I want this person to do for me?

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Aggression violence resentment conflicts
Opinions Judgments Criticism Prejudices
How to tell the truth clearly and honestly
without attacking another person?
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Example

• Tell the truth
• and honestly express
• What did the person do to me?
• This morning, when you shouted at me
• What did I feel? ... I felt very angry...
• What was my need that was not met? ... Why do I
  feel the need to be treated with more respect
  and to dialogue with you?
• What do I want this person to do for me?
• I ask this of you even though you are angry with
  me, talk to me without shouting.

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Personal Exercise

• Get back to the person with whom you have
  difficulty relating and describe
• What did the person do to me?
• How did I feel in relation to this person?
• What is the need that I perceive in me and that
  causes the way I feel?
• What do I want this person to do for me?

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Share two by two

• Observe
• 1. How do I feel talking about my feelings and
  needs?
• 2. The quality of listening.
• 3. What do we discover from this exercise?

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NVCs goals
To build relationships from the heart Giving and
receiving so that one's own life and that of the
other person is enriched
To help us connect with what is alive within us
and in others

To establish relationships founded on cooperation
and compassion
Changes in our usual way of communication
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Communication that blocks compassion
Do not judge and you will not be judged. For as
you judge, so you will be judged, (Mt 7,1).  
It is natural to receive and to give with
compassion.
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Communication that blocks compassion
We learn different forms of alienating
communication in life which lead us to speak and
behave in a way that hurts others and ourselves.

• Moralizing judgments
• Making comparisons
• Not assuming responsibility
• for our own thinking, feelings
• and actions.
• Communicating our wishes
• in a demanding manner.

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A few steps of NVC
  1. Observe without judging When we mix
remarks with judgments, others tend to perceive
this as criticism and resist what we say.
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A few steps of NVC
2. Identify and express feelings When we
state what we feel in a clear and specific way,
we connect more easily with other persons.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and
expressing our feelings, we help solve conflicts.
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A few steps of NVC
3. Assume responsibility for our feelings What
others say and do can be a stimulus, but never
the cause of our feelings. When someone
communicates in a negative form, we can receive
the message in different ways 

• To blame ourselves
• To blame others
• To notice our own
• feelings and needs
• To perceive the feelings and
• needs hidden behind the negative
• message of the other person.

Im sorry
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A few steps of NVC

• 4. Ask what will enrich our life
• When our needs are not being met
• 1. Express what we observe, feel and need without
  criticizing, analyzing, blaming or interpreting
  the motives of others
• 2. Carry out specific actions that could satisfy
  our needs.

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A few steps of NVC
5. Give and accept empathy Empathy
is the respectful perception of what others are
experiencing.
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A few steps of NVC
6. Be compassionately connected with yourself
When we commit errors, we can use the NVC
processes of mourning and pardon through which we
can grow, instead of moralizing, getting
entangled in judgments of ourselves. 
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A few steps of NVC
7. Express the anger To express our
anger fully, the first step is not to place the
responsibility for our anger on the other
person. Instead, we view our own feelings and
needs in the light of our conscience.
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A few steps of NVC
8. Become free so as to be able to help others
To become free of our conditioning To solve
interior conflicts To take care of our inner life
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A few steps of NVC
9. Express gratitude Gratitude is very
important in NVC and it must be celebrated,
not with praises, but with the honest expression
of how I feel enriched by another person.
Instead of saying that a person is this or that
(judgment), tell her/him how she/he has benefited
me and how she/he has contributed to my happiness
and well-being.
Thank you!
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Attentive ears
To do good is the best way of making our life
more significant and of enriching the life of
other persons.
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Prayer for Peace Sr. Ana C. Elídia Neves SSpS
LORD, we bring before you the pain of
humanity suffering, searching and struggling for
peace. We bring the anguish of the victims of
violence, injustice and oppression.   We bring
the despair of those who have lost their loved
ones in conflict situations. We also bring our
wounded hearts, Thirsting for your peace and your
love.   God, we want to consecrate this day to
the cause of peace, so that all our days will be
days of peace.
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Prayer for Peace / cont.
Give us, Lord, your light to build peace in our
relationships. Give us, Lord, your peace to learn
how to welcome without prejudice and to respect
the dignity of every human being.   Give us,
Lord, your peace to recognize each person as our
neighbor and the generous gift of your love in
all creation. Turn the violence and
injustice that dwell within us into a gift of
love that generates compassion and peace. Amen.