Codependency and Enabling

1
Codependency and Enabling

• We can help people who want to help themselves

2
Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the
  actions of others.
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, tendency to
  "love" people they can pity and rescue.
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of
  the time.
• A tendency to become hurt when people dont
  recognize their efforts.
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The
  co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a
  relationship to avoid the feeling of
  abandonment.
• An extreme need for approval and recognition.
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
• A compelling need to control others.
• Lack of trust in self and/or others.
• Fear of being abandoned or alone.
• Difficulty identifying feelings.
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
• Chronic anger.
• Lying/dishonesty.
• Poor communication.
• Difficulty making decisions.

3
Codependency test - What questions can I ask
myself to see if I'm codependent

• Is it difficult for you to see situations or
  individuals realistically?
• Do you think you are somehow responsible for the
  thoughts or actions of others?
• Do you often feel angry or hurt?
• Do other people control you?
• Do you feel lonely often?
• Do you have an overwhelming urge for others to
  like you?
• Do you give up your interests in order to take
  part in activities that your friends enjoy?
• Do you feel more secure when you receive praise
  from others?
• Do you need to feel needed?
• Do you have a difficult time saying no when asked
  to do something?

4
Isnt everyone codependent?

• Are people mutually interdependent?

5
Rules of Codep

• Dont feel
• Its not ok for me to have problems
• Its not ok for me to have fun
• Im not lovable
• Im not good enough
• If people act bad, Im responsible
• Dont talk, dont trust, dont feel

6
3 routes to codep, Zelvin

• Relationship with AODA
• Growing up in a dysfunctional family
• Being socialized into accepting a codep. Role
• Circle of codependency-p.324
• Pattern of codependency-p.325

7
Enabling

• Doing for someone things that they could, and
  should be doing themselves. Simply, enabling
  creates a atmosphere in which the alcoholic can
  comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.

8
Are you an enabler?

• 1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the
  alcoholic, lying about his symptoms?
• 2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his
  (or her) drinking or behavior?
• 3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking
  out of fear of his response?
• 4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for
  his legal fees?
• 5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to
  have paid himself?
• 6. Have you loaned him money?
• 7. Have you tried drinking with him in hopes of
  strengthening the relationship?
• 8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then
  another and another?
• 9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't?
• 10. Have you finished a job or project that the
  alcoholic failed to complete himself?
• Counselors can become enablers

9
Objections to the concept of Codependency

• Dis-empowers the individual and makes
  relationship problem a medical problem
• Disease?
• Arent most homes dysfunctional?
• Self help groups may promote dependency
• Excuse the addict from responsibility

10
Recovery

• Go for help. A reputable therapist or a recovery
  group. Codependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free
  group. Therapists likewise can help, and are
  everywhere.
• Make recovery a first priority. Find alternative
  behaviors!
• Develop a spiritual side through daily practice.
  An inner life is important to those recovering
  from co-dependency, because it will allow you to
  see that you are loveable
• Stop managing and controlling others
• Courageously face your own problems and
  shortcomings
• Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an
  individual.
• Become "selfish."
• Recovery from co-dependency is based on increased
  self-esteem
• work on accepting others as they are, without
  trying to change them to meet your needs

11
Addiction and the Family Chap.25

• It is believed that in the U.S., one out of every
  six individuals is or was raised in a home with
  at least one alcohol dependent parent
• 96 of the population was raised in a
  dysfunctional home.

12
How Does an Addiction Affect the Family?

• When a family member has a dependency, the whole
  family usually develops ways of coping with the
  problems associated with the dependency. Often,
  there is less communication the family avoids
  talking about the issue, avoids expressing
  emotions, and may keep the addiction secret from
  the community. Some family members may take on
  some of the responsibilities abandoned by the
  addicted person.

13
How Does an Addiction Affect the Children?

• Addiction often creates an unstable family
  environment. Parents may not effectively
  discipline their children or provide them with
  training in basic life skills. Children may feel
  insecure or unloved. They may also begin to take
  on adult responsibilities that are not
  appropriate to their age. Children in families
  where an addiction is present are more likely to
  show anti-social behavior and have problems such
  as skipping school, aggressiveness, hyperactivity
  and eating disorders.

14
Is There Any Good News?

• Living with an addicted person is not easy, but
  most children are resilient. This means that they
  can overcome these difficult circumstances and
  become strong, healthy adults. They build on
  their own and others' strengths. For those who
  may have resulting problems, help is available.

15
Family Addictions Treatment History

• http//www.counselormagazine.com/display_article.a
  sp?aidfeb05FireFamily.htm

16
ACOA are adults who

• 1. Guess at what normal is.2. Have difficulty
  in following a project through from beginning to
  end.3. Lie when it would be just as easy to
  tell the truth.4. Judge themselves without
  mercy.5. Have difficulty having fun.6. Take
  themselves very seriously.7. Have difficulty
  with intimate relationships.8. Overreact to
  changes over which they have no control.9.
  Constantly seek approval and affirmation.10.
  Feel that they are different from other
  people.11. Are either super responsible or
  super irresponsible.12. Are extremely loyal,
  even in the face of evidence that loyalty is
  undeserved.13. Have money dysfunction, such as
  hiding it or being disorganized with it.

17
Other criticisms of the ACOA movement

• Blaming the parents
• Focus is on the trauma or limitations vs. the
  strength of the individual
• Focus in on the previous generation
• Assume children raised in an alcoholic home are
  damaged
• Damage model- children raised in alcoholic home
  are automatically damaged, assumes people are a
  passive vessel

18
Challenge Model

• Children are resilient
• Does not mean that children are invulnerable, but
  adaptive systems do evolve

19
What you can do

• http//www.family.samhsa.gov/

20
Iowa Substance Abuse Library

• http//www.drugfreeinfo.org/aparents.html