Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

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Strengthening Relationships
A Life Skills Workshop Presented by Student
Counseling Services
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To have a friend, be a friend.
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Friendship is not won by the giving of things,
but by the giving of the heart. --- Roy Lessin
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Relationship the state of being
related. Related 1. connected by some
understood relationship. 2. connected through
membership in the same family. The key is
CONNECTION.
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Relationship Assumptions

1. Successful relationships are basic to successful
   living.
2. Keeping relationships healthy deserves a high
   priority.
3. Your marriage or significant other is your most
   important relationship.
4. You can learn to understand how to make your
   relationship work.

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Types of Relationships

• Family relationships
• Occasional (anonymous) relationships clerks,
  waiters
• Casual relationships (acquaintances) some
  people at work, professors, classmates
• Friendships people with whom you seek
  interactions, whose company you enjoy
• Romantic relationships passionate, emotional
  connection, usually reciprocal

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Aspects of Friendship

• Keeps confidence
• Loyalty
• Warmth/affection
• Supportiveness
• Frankness
• Sense of humor

• Willingness to make time for me
• Independence
• Good conversationalist
• Intelligence
• Social conscience

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Six Rules for Friends

• Share news of success with a friend.
• Show emotional support.
• Volunteer help in time of need.
• Strive to make a friend happy when in each
  others company.
• Trust and confide in each other.
• Stand up for a friend in his/her absence.

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Development of a Close Relationship

• Zero contact
• Stage 1 unilateral contact
• Stage 2 bilateral contact
• Stage 3 mutuality

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Intimacy in Communication
Person 1 Person 2
Cliché Conversation
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Intimacy in Communication
Person 1 Person 2
Cliché Facts, Conversation
Others Ideas
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Intimacy in Communication
Person 1 Person 2
Cliché Facts, Your
Conversation
Others Ideas
Ideas Opinions

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Intimacy in Communication
Person 1 Person 2
Cliché Facts, Your
Personal Conversation Others
Ideas Information
Ideas Opinions

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Intimacy in Communication
Person 1 Person 2
Cliché Facts, Your
Personal Feelings Conversation
Others Ideas Information About
Each Ideas
Opinions Other Now
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Close Relationships

• Relatively long-lasting
• Frequent interaction
• Mutual activities
• Impact of interactions is strong

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Marriage is not just a happily ever after
ending, but a lifetime of I choose to love you
beginnings. --- Matt Anderson
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Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

• Dr. John Gottman

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A lasting marriage results from a couples
ability to resolve the conflicts that are
inevitable in any relationship.
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Styles of Marriages

• Validating
• Volatile
• Avoidant

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Validating

• Listen and understand each partners point of
  view
• Value other while disagreeing
• more like problem-solving discussions
• negotiate compromises
• Value we-ness of relationship
• Risk passionless arrangement

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Volatile

• Fight on grand scale--make up on grand scale
• Highly engaged with each other
• See selves as equal parties in relationship
• Easily express feelings, opinions, thoughts
• Risk slide into too much fighting

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Avoidant

• Conflict minimizers
• Agree to disagree--shove it under the rug
• Low level of companionship
• High degree of autonomy
• Risk Encountering problem too big to avoid

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Emotional Ecology

• Need to strike a balance of positive/negative
• magic ratio 5 to 1
• Healthy marriages represent three ways of
  adapting to achieve the balance
• Unhealthy marriages which do not adapt can be
  recognized by warning signs
• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

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Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

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Criticism

• Attacking someones personality rather than
  behavior
• Blaming accusing
• You statements
• Different from Complaining
• I statements
• Present to a degree in all relationships

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Contempt

• Criticism with intention
• deeper, more personal attack
• Includes
• insults name-calling
• hostile humor mockery
• body language
• Results in decay of admiration or positive
  feelings for partner

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Defensiveness

• Elicited by criticism contempt
• Includes
• denying responsibility --making excuses
• disagreeing with mind reading --yes-butting
• cross complaining --Rubber man/woman
• repeating self --whining
• Result obstructs communication--conflict
  escalates

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Stonewalling

• Communication shutdown
• Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness
• Found in men more than women

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Cycle of Negativity

• Four horsemen are hard to tame
• If unchecked, downward spiral/cascade occurs
• Flooding occurs--system overload
• Chronic flooding leads to distance/isolation
  cascade

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Strategy for Improvement

• Calm down
• Speak nondefensively
• Validating Partner
• Overlearning--try try again