Lesson 1: What should be our goal in life?

1
Finding and Being a Winning SpouseSalim S
Yusufalishahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010
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Is marriage becoming some of the past?

• - In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were
  living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in
  1950 and 49 percent in 2000.
• - In 2005 married couples became a minority of
  all American households for the first time
• - Anecdotal evidence
• So why should we get married? And what are the
  goals of marriage?

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Reason 1 Because God desires that we marry

• Marry off the singles who are among you...(Surah
  Noor (24)32)
• The Prophet (s) said that the most beloved
  building built in Islam is that of marriage
• Motto of our existence from Ameer al-Mu'mineen
  (a)
• ??????? ????? ??? ?????? ???? ??????? ???? ??????
  
• O Allah! Honor for me is to be Your servant

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Reason 2 Because the Ahlul Bayt (a) want us to
marry

• The Prophet (s) Whoever has the means to get
  married but doesnt marry isnt from me.
• From Imam al-Sadiq (a) The Prophet forbade women
  from holding back and keeping themselves from
  marriage.

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Reason 3 It is the way we are created

• Shahwah / ???? (Lust) or attraction to beauty
  without regards to halal or haram is a force
  placed within human soul
• Lust is a blessing from Allah
• How to make use of this blessing?
• Surah Yaseen (36) 36 Immaculate is He who has
  created in pairs of what the earth grows, and of
  themselves, and of what they do not know.
  (According to a interpretation)

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Reason 4 Spiritual Perfection

• A woman comes to Imam al-Baqir (a), saying that
  she has decided to not marry in order to gain
  perfection. The Imam (a) tells her, Desist from
  doing so! For if there were any perfection in
  doing that, Fatima (a) would have declined to
  marry, and none can surpass her perfection!
  (Bihar al-Anwar, v. 100, p. 219)
• Hadith from Prophet (s) A muslim man gets no
  greater benefit after the benefit of Islam than a
  Muslim wife who pleases him when he looks at her
  and obeys him when he commands her and protects
  herself and his wealth when he is absent.

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Reason 4 Spiritual Perfection (cont.)

• A man comes to Imam Sadiq (a) and the Imam asks
  him if he is married. He says no. The Imam tells
  him, My father said that, 'I would not choose
  the world and all that is over it over sleeping
  one night when not being married. A married
  sleeping person who prays two rakaats is better
  than a fasting single person who spends the night
  in prayer.'
• From the Prophet (s) A married person who sleeps
  is better in the view of God than the single
  person who spends the nights praying and the days
  fasting.

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Reason 5 Self Building

• Hadith Marry off your single people because God
  will better their akhlaq, and increase their rizq
  and their chivalry.
• Dealing with problems that arise because of
  marriage helps one to mature intellectually and
  emotionally

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Reason 6 Protection from Sinning

• According to hadith, ½ to 2/3rd of of a young
  person's faith is protected from the Shaytan with
  marriage
• From the Prophet (s) Marry, or else you will be
  among the sinners. (Bihar al-Anwar, v. 100, p.
  221)

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Reason 7 Companionship

• Allah (swt) created us with a lack of tranquility
  and placed that tranquility within our spouse
• Imam Ali (a) regarding the rights of a wife over
  her husband Allah (swt) has made her a means of
  tranquility, calm, and companionship.
• According to some leading scholars, this is the
  most important reason!
• Misconception I can find this companionship
  without getting married!

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Reason 8 Forging Family Ties

• Imam al-Rida (a) Even if Allah (swt) and the
  Prophet (s) hadn't commanded us to marriage,
  benefits such as the coming together of relatives
  and the formation of new family bonds would have
  been sufficient encouragement... (Mizan
  al-Hikmah, v. 2, p. 1178)

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Reason 9 Serve God by Serving Others

• One goal of marriage is to take each other to
  paradise
• How Ameer al-Mu'mineen (a) and Sayyida Fatima (a)
  described each other to the Prophet (s) when he
  approached them after their wedding

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Reason 10 Opportunity to Raise Children

• Prophet (s) takes pride in the children of his
  ummah
• Children increase happiness in life
• After death they can potentially be baaqiyyat
  saalihaat
• Widespread move towards not having children ?
  erosion of the family system

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Reason 11 Increasing God's Provisions

• Marry off those who are single among you...If
  they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His
  grace, and Allah is all-bounteous, all-knowing.
  (al-Noor (24), 32)
• In many ahadith, people who complain about
  poverty to the Prophet (s) and Imams are ordered
  to marry
• From the Prophet (s) Take a spouse as it is a
  means of increasing your sustenance.

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When am I Ready?

• Important factors to consider
• 1. Maturity
• Can make important decisions using a rational
  process
• Independence of thought
• Can deal with difficulties
• 2. Financial Readiness

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When am I Ready? (cont.)

• Important factors to consider
• 3. Knowledge of what Islam says about marriage
  and spouse selection and rights of husband and
  wife
• 4. Sometimes marriage can be wajib!

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Benefits of Marrying when Ready and not Delaying

• Accumulate the spiritual benefits early
• God wants believers to enjoy this world better
  than others
• Enjoying oneself according to religious
  guidelines (without going to extremes) can result
  in spiritual growth
• Preventing fasad (corruption)
• Hadith One who has the means to marry off his
  child but does not, and a sin occurs, he is
  partner in that sin.

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Common Barriers Preventing Marriage On Time

• Want to enjoy life and have fun before chaining
  ourselves down
• We'll get tired of each other!
• Young people aren't as mature as they were in the
  past
• Children wouldn't mind, but parents do!
• No money

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Responses to Objections

• Should we put aside the advice of the Ahlul Bayt
  (a)?
• naudhu billah!
• Instead let's understand the place of these
  ahadith in the entire corpus of their teachings
  regarding family life

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Response to Objections (cont.)

• Training our children at a younger age to be
  responsible! A child who is baligh is an adult in
  the eyes of Allah (swt).
• When spouses do their responsibilities (for
  example, keeping up the physical presence and
  emotional support) love will only grow with time
• Family level and community level financial support

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Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

• Intention
• Tawakkul and Tawassul
• Identify Potential Candidates
• Investigation
• Meeting
• Proposal

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Recommended 2 rak'at prayer and dua

• Imam al-Sadiq (a) to one of his companions If
  you wish to marry, recite a two rak'at prayer,
  and then do hamd of Allah (swt) and then recite
  the following dua
• ?????????? ?????? ??????? ???? ???????????
  ????????? ??? ???? ?????????? ????????????
  ??????? ?? ????????????? ??? ??? ????????? ?? ???
  ?????? ?? ????????????? ??????? ?? ?????????????
  ???????? ?? ??????? ??? ??????? ????????
  ?????????? ??????? ???????? ??? ???????? ??
  ?????? ????????

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Meaning of the Dua

• In this dua, the one seeking a spouse will pray
  for a chaste and virtuous wife who will protect
  herself for him, protect his wealth and be a
  source of rizq and blessing. He also prays for a
  righteous posterity in this world and the next.

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Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

• Intention
• Tawakkul and Tawassul
• Identify Potential Candidates
• Investigation
• Meeting
• Proposal

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Identifying Potential Candidates

• Step 1 Identify your needs, and accordingly
  which traits the candidate ought to have.
• Divide these into must-haves and nice-to-haves.
• Other criteria can be added according to personal
  taste.
• All are important not equally weighted (faith is
  most important)

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Reasonable Expectations

• Looking for 100 match is not feasible. Be picky
  but not too picky!
• If a candidate were already at 100, there
  wouldn't be room to grow during the marriage!

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Objections to this Structured Approach

• Need to see if we love each other before
  committing!
• Many examples of matched marriages breaking, or
  holding together precariously

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Why Marriages Fail or Have Problems?

• Success is likely but with conditions
• Spouses identified using Islamic criteria
• Spouses meet in Islamic way
• Spouses lead married life in Islamic way
• Most problematic marriages can be recovered

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The Love Marriage

• Can work, but is not recommended because
• Chastity and reputation can easily be compromised
  
• Decisions are made based on emotion
• Statistics indicate high failure rates
• Emotional cost of such failed relationships is
  high
• May lead to questioning of spouse's fidelity
  (especially from the husband)

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Love Marriage

• From Imam Ali (a)
• Love of the People of the Hereafter lasts due to
  the everlasting nature of its cause.
• Love of the People of this World will cease to
  exist due to the transient nature of its cause.
• Love in marriage is created by Allah (swt)
  ...And He places love and compassion among you...
  (al-Room (30), 21)

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Finding and Being a Winning Spouse (part
2)Salim S Yusufalishahr ramadhan 1431 / aug.,
sep. 2010
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Ideal Traits / Traits to Inculcate
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Traits of an Ideal Spouse

• Why did the Ahlul Bayt (a) emphasize certain
  traits? They must be important and ought to be
  used to
• Characteristics to aim at building / nurturing
  for those who wish to (eventually) get married
• Compile a list of must-have and nice-to-have
  characteristics to be found in spouse candidates
• Motivation for those who are already married and
  want to improve and have successful marriages

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Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

• Intention
• Tawakkul, Tawassul, and Self-Building
• Identify Potential Candidates
• Compiling list of must-have and nice-to-have
  traits
• Investigation
• Meeting
• Proposal

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Compiling the List

• Understand your personality type and your
  strengths, weaknesses, and future needs from a
  spouse
• This process is itself rewarding
• The ignorance of a man with respect to his faults
  is among the biggest of sins. Imam Ali (a)
• When Allah the Exalted desires good for a
  servant, He disattaches him from the world, gives
  him deep insight into the religion, and shows him
  his faults. Imam al-Sadiq (a)
• Seek to understand advice from the Ahlul Bayt (a)
  in this regard

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Trait 1 Taqwa

• Taqwa protection acting in a way that one is
  protecting himself from turning away from God and
  receiving His punishment
• Taqwa has varying degrees
• Traditions greatly emphasis this trait
• Example One who marries his noble daughter to a
  sinner receives 1000 curses daily.

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Importance of Taqwa in Marriage

• When home alone and God is not in the picture,
  many things can go wrong. From Imam Hasan (a)
  Marry your daughters to a man who has taqwa, for
  if he loves her he will honor her, and if he
  dislikes her he will not be unjust to her.
• If things go sour, divorcing someone with taqwa
  will be considerably smoother

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How to improve one's taqwa

• Strengthening one's creed
• ...Do not marry your daughter to one who doubts,
  as the wife will adopt the etiquette of her
  husband and he will impose his faith upon her
  (Imam al-Sadiq (a), al-Kafi, v.5 p. 34)
• Learning about our practical responsibilities and
  acting upon them (starting with halal and haram)

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How to improve one's taqwa

• Have a small, regular program of mustahabaat
• Receive spiritual admonishment at least once a
  week

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How to improve taqwa (cont.)

• Participating in congregational activities
• Keeping good company
• From Imam Ali (a) If someone's level of practice
  isn't clear to you, see whom he keeps company
  with, religious people or irreligious?
• Matters relating to Chastity and Modesty to follow

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Trait 2 Good akhlaaq

• Reality of akhlaaq ilm (knowledge) amal
  (action)
• Examples of good character that emanates from a
  soul illuminated with Divine light honesty,
  contentment, compassion, friendliness,
  pleasantness, patience, dignity, forgiveness,
  thankfulness, amenability, humility,
  respectfulness, softness, optimism, ettiquette

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Importance of Akhlaaq in Ahadith

• Story of Imam al-Sajjad (a) marrying a woman
  based on her excellent behavior
• Do not marry your daughter to one who has bad
  character. (Imam al-Kadhim)
• The best of your women is she who, when she is
  angry or angered, she tells her husband...I will
  not sleep until you are happy with me. (Imam
  al-Sadiq, man la yahdur)

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Importance of Good Character in Marriage

• Particularly important in times of difficulty
• Crucial to keep marriage successful. Examples
• Wife preparing herself for her husband every day
• Husband making compliments and demonstrating love
  every day

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Means of Improving Akhlaaq

• Keep company with one who is honest and
  righteous, can influence positive behavior and
  whom can be asked to point out faults
• From Imam Ali One's enemies can be more useful
  than his brethren for the enemies gift him with
  his faults.
• Observe faults in others and strive to eradicate
  them from one's self
• Muraqabah (self-awareness) and Muhasabah
  (self-accounting) ? Particularly emphasized by
  the Ahlul Bayt
• Taking a qualified mentor

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Trait 3 Compatibility

• From the Prophet (s)
• Marry those who are compatible matches
  (al-akfaa').
• Most important aspect of compatibility
• Similar level of faith (Islam shia) and
  character.
• Believers are the compatible matches of other
  believers.
• Marry a suitor whose practice of religion and
  trustworthiness please you, whoever he may be.

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Other factor that will make marriage go smoother

• Similar background
• Similar income bracket
• Similar societal status
• Intellectual compatibility
• Family compatibility
• Ideal age gap 3-7 years (Gulbarg, Dehnavi p. 37)
• Couple (and in some cases their families) will
  need flexible personalities and sophistication if
  these are not in place.

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Trait 4 Good Family

• Meaning a family known for its religiousness,
  etiquette, noble character
• The Prophet (s) Avoid the beautiful woman who
  grows up in a corrupt environment.
• The Prophet (s) The best of your women is
  she....who is respected in her family.
• Coming from a good family is good but not a hard
  and fast rule
• Good families can be created

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Trait 5 Chastity

• From the dua O Allah grant me the most chaste
  among them.
• Encompasses
• Hijab
• Limited mixing of genders
• Modest interaction, language, and body language
• Keeping appropriate company

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More about Chastity

• Should be in place before and after marriage
• Couples will try harder to satisfy each other's
  physical and emotional needs
• Husband will take more pleasure out of his wife ?
  stronger love ? more care and reciprocal love
• Need to re-evaluate ties and behavior with
  non-mahrams
• Different than being suspicious! We need to
  suspect ourselves more than other party.
• Not being friends is different than being
  unfriendly

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Traits 6 and 7 Responsibility Good Planning
Skills

• Hadith The best of men is he who takes care of
  his wife so that she doesn't have to rely on
  others.
• Women tend to find these traits a source of
  attractiveness in men
• How can these traits be measured?
• Taking care of parents / siblings
• Is he hard-working?
• How does he manage his money?
• Does he make impetuous decisions that he later
  regrets?

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Trait 8 Good Looks

• Physical attractiveness is particularly important
  for man to see in woman and should not be ignored
• Also shouldn't be the only criterion
• From a hadith A wife should be religious (???
  ?????) and beautiful (?????)
• True beauty is on the inside and outside.
  Eventually inner beauty (taqwa, akhlaaq, ilm)
  outshines outer beauty

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Practical Tips Regarding Good Looks

• Extreme beauty can lead to arrogance
• Can be addressed in upbringing and self-bulding
• Being attractive is working with what you have
• Regular exercise routine (without going to the
  extremes) and observing Islamic dietary
  guidelines is necessary for personal and marriage
  development

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More Practical Tips

• Good character, faith, optimism, speaking well,
  smiling appropriately, humility, grooming and
  hygiene all lend to outer beauty
• Community emphasis on championship sports
• Husbands should buy their wives those things they
  need in order to make themselves beautiful at home

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Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

• Intention
• Tawakkul, Tawassul, and Self-Building
• Identify Potential Candidates
• Compiling list of must-have and nice-to-have
  traits
• Using list to find potential spouse matches
• Investigation
• Meeting(s)
• Investigation
• Proposal

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Identifying Potential Candidates

• The boy / girl seeking to get married may rely on
  a champion or a few champions who are trusted
  individuals (perhaps in the form of community
  matchmakers)
• Parents' buy-in is very important
• The champion's job is to find potential
  candidates based on the criteria and detailed
  information about the boy / girl
• Start looking locally and then branch out if
  necessary
• Don't feel shy about using matchmakers

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Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

• Intention
• Tawakkul and Tawassul
• Identify Potential Candidates
• Investigation
• Meetings
• Investigation
• Proposal

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Importance of Investigating the Traits of a
Candidate

• From the Prophet (s)
• Marriage is like slavery. So if one of you
  marries off his daughter, he has given her to
  slavery. So look carefully at whom you marry your
  noble daughter to.
• From Imam al-Sadiq (a) Women are a necklace so
  look carefully to ensure you get the right one.
• According to one expert, marriage is the most
  important event in your life. (Dehnavi, p. 31)

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Investigation

• Applies to both males and females
• Talk to those who know the candidate in-depth
• Revealing negative information in this situation
  is not backbiting!
• What about that part we can't find out?
• Have to do our duty. From Imam al-Sadiq (a)
  Whoever acts upon what he knows, Allah (swt)
  shall take care of him with respect to what he
  does not know
• Investigation will take place even after meetings
  are completed to clear up any issues that arose

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Common Reasons for Not Investigating Properly

• Putting full trust in one person who knows both
  parties
• I know his father and his father's father...
• Not knowing whom to talk to
• Misinterpreting the hadith If a suitor comes to
  you whose character and religion please you then
  marry your daughter to him or else there will
  be turmoil on the earth and great corruption.
• False sense of tawakkul
• False understanding of istikharah

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What to Investigate

• Family
• Friends
• Leadership Qualities
• How Well Promises are Kept
• Level of Honesty

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Recommended Matchmaking Cycle

• Intention
• Tawakkul and Tawassul
• Identify Potential Candidates
• Investigation
• Meeting
• Proposal

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Meeting Potential Candidates

• Looking at picture
• Rules
• Can be alone in a room together as long as
• Others can easily enter in upon conversation
• No fear of falling into sin
• Looking (for a man)
• Without intention of lust (though lust will
  naturally follow)
• In order to determine her physical appearance (if
  you already know, cant look)
• No barrier preventing marriage (for example she
  shouldnt already be married)
• Possibility of proposal being accepted

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Meeting Potential Candidates

• What to discuss
• Try to send questions from beforehand
• Write down quotes for later observation
• How many times can we meet before deciding?
• How close can you get without being married?
• The fun in marriage is getting to know each
  other!

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What to Discuss

• Casual Conversation
• Beliefs
• Practice (for example, taqlid)
• Socializing
• Life histories
• Expectations of Future
• Living alone or with family
• Raising children
• Education / work plans

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How to decide

• Using your intellect
• Seeking advice from wise people
• Taking istikhara
• Tawakkul and Tawassul
• Do we need to like each other before saying
  yes?
• How sure do I need to be?

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From Culture

• Need to wait for older siblings to get married
• Education is more important than getting married
• Sayyids can only marry sayyids
• Mutah is scandalous
• Cant interact with fiancee after nikah is
  recited before rukhsatee
• I liked him/her, but the istikhara came out
  badly
• Culture of expensive weddings
• But not all culture is bad