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I Dont Like You, but I Have to Work with You

• Cheryl D. Bristor-Wilson, LCSW, CADC, CEAP
• CDB Associates
• cdbristor_at_yahoo.com
• 708-692-1203

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If a person is worth knowing at all, he is worth
knowing well.Alexander Smith, nineteenth
century Scottish Poet
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OBJECTIVES

• Identify different personality types.
• Learn skills to address various personality
  types.
• Master skills to deal with difficult, angry, and
  unmotivated co-workers.
• Learn tips for better communication.
• Recognize your philosophy about this work.
• Understand the dynamics of positive conflict
  resolution.
• Know the expectations of yourself and
• co-workers.

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The way you see people is the way you treat
them, and the way you treat them is the way they
become.
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Understanding Emotions in Communication

• All communications contain some emotion or a mix
  of emotions
• Emotions can confuse the message one is sending
• Emotions are vital to happiness because they
  promote action
• Negative emotions can drain your energy and
  everyone else's
• Positive emotions promote positive communication

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Myths Regarding Personality Types

• Only 10 of the population is difficult to work
  with.
• People demonstrate differences based on needs and
  desires to get what they need.
• Abnormal behavior is normal to difficult people.
• Your reaction to their abnormal behavior is
  normal to them as you play their game.

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Three Basic Components of Messages

• Words 7
• Tone 38
• Body language 55

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Principles for dealing with toxic co-workers

1. Out of control emotions make sane people crazy,
   and smart people stupid.
2. Whatever effects your words have on others, they
   will have the exact same effect on you.
3. If you have the right words you can do anything.
4. People treat you the way you allow them to treat
   you.
5. We train people how to treat us.
6. Those who gossip with you will gossip about you.
7. I can choose to be kind rather than to be right.
8. You must say yes to yourself before you say no to
   others
9. How you do anything is how you do everything

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Dealing with toxic people

• Avoid toxic people
• Anticipate toxic people
• Set firm boundaries
• Get over your guilt
• Do not defend yourself

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Top Energy Slayers

• The Exploder
• The Cry baby
• The Gossip
• The Negaddicted
• The Sniper
• The Time sucker
• The Tank
• The Beggar
• The Victim
• The Bully

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The Exploder

• Exploders yell, swear, threaten, insult and wave
  their hands in the air.

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The Exploder rewards

• They want to engage you. They feel bad and out of
  control and want you to feel bad and out of
  control as well. They are also seeking an excuse
  to explode. Looking for a dramatic reaction to
  their dramatic behavior.

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How to Treat an Exploder

• Listen to and speak to the emotional side. Try to
  match their emotional side.
• Validate, compliment, agree and transition with
  permission.
• Dont challenge or engage dont take the bait

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The Cry baby

• They cry all the time. For reasons other than why
  you and I might cry. They cry to get attention,
  to avoid communication, to distract from
  confrontation and avoid taking responsibility.

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The Cry baby Rewards

• Looking to distract you from the real issue,
  distract you from the truth, distract you from
  someone else, or distract you from their wrong
  doing.

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How to treat a Cry baby

• Stay on the message disconnection is the key.
  Keep repeating the same closed ended questions.
  Lock them down let them know that this is going
  to happen and going to happen now.
• Dont get hooked in, don't engage, dont comfort
  in anyway.

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The Gossip

• The gossip talks about anyone who is not in the
  room. They love to be the first ones to deliver
  the dirt on their friends and coworkers

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The Gossips rewards

1. Gathering information from you.
2. Deliver information to you to achieve the
   ultimate reward.
3. Bonding with you.

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How To Treat a gossip

• Stop participating in the gossip. Stop listening.
  Take yourself out of the loop.
• Introduce
• Criticized
• Revealed
• Dont blind side them. Let them know you are no
  longer going to gossip

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The negaddicted

• A dark cloud is looming over their heads. They
  always have criticisms and rarely have solutions.
  They can be either extroverted or introverted but
  their energy in the room is so toxic it creates a
  nasty taste in your mouth

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Negaddicted rewards

• Seeking validation and connection. They want you
  to wallow around with them in the toxic sludge.
  Agree with them, support them and if nothing else
  listen to them.

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How to treat a Negaddicted

• Redirect. Let them know you are clearly on a
  mission. Lay the groundwork, shoot positive
  phrases ask them what they can do better and be
  consistent
• Dont respond to their negative , misery, never
  agree with them and led them to believe you are
  on their team.

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The Sniper

• Hurls insults marked as humor and they love to do
  it in a public forum. They love a crowd or an
  audience. They are passive aggressive and like to
  say insulting things but are not upfront about
  it.

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Sniper rewards

• Looking for a laugh at your expense with no
  immediate, personal price to pay. They love it
  when people snipe back. They assume no one will
  call them on their behavior because people almost
  never do.

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How to treat a Sniper

• Call them on their behavior be calm, direct and
  assertive not aggressive.
• Dont engage in a battle if wits with a sniper.
  Show no weakness.

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The Time sucker

• They come into your space at work and just goof
  off. They do not care that your are serious about
  your work. They will often encourage you to take
  a break with them because they are bored.

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Time sucker rewards

• Looking for a distraction, a confidant or a
  playmate. They want your time. They may be simply
  unaware of proper etiquette and boundaries

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How to treat a time sucker

• Set boundaries, be very assertive and give them
  clear instructions train them how you want to
  spend your time.
• Dont allow someone to steal your time just
  because you feel uncomfortable

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The Tank

• Instead of losing control they appear to be in
  control as the run right over you with their
  aggressive style of communication. It is
  difficult to interrupt them. They are very
  directed, targeted and difficult to stop. The go
  on and on and on.

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The Tanks rewards

• They want a verbal war
• They want something specific and theyll tell you
  what it is.
• They want to win and enjoy the spoils and they
  want to think they won because they are powerful.
  Looking for you to surrender, to agree, or just
  give them what they want.

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How to treat a Tank

• Let them win. Let them be right and agree with
  them
• Dont stand there and be attacked move away

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The Beggar

• They want your time and your money. They sell
  candy, raffle tickets or are putting together a
  party. They are just maybe a little short of
  cash for lunch. They wont take no for an answer

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Beggars rewards

• They will tell you what they want hoping to
  appeal to your generosity or guilt.

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How to treat a Beggar

• Say no and stick to it. Sympathize, say no, say
  why, suggest alternatives and repeat.
• Remember all beggars can make you look bad to
  others if you are the only one saying no.

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The Victim

• Will put on a academy award winning performances
  as they tell you about their latest tragedy,
  their day to day struggles and how they keep
  getting victimized for no reason. It is never
  their fault and there is always drama in their
  lives. They are not lying, they believe what they
  are saying.

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Victims rewards

• Looking for someone to listen to their stories,
  believe them, validate them and sympathize with
  them. They want to bond with you and drag you
  into their Lifetime Sunday night special of the
  week. They are clingy and love when you are
  clingy.

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How to treat a victim

• They are easy to retrain how to follow you. I
  need your help and Can I count on you
• Dont challenge or try to catch them in a lie
  or exaggeration. This rewards them and gives them
  a chance to prove something to you.

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The Bully

• They are the really mean ones. Bullies like to
  hurt people. Whether they lash out with words,
  actions or fists. Bullies are out to seek and
  destroy. Push people around who are verbally and
  physically who will not retaliate.

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Bully rewards

• Bullies are seeking an outlet and will not stop
  until their quota has been made. They enjoy a
  challenge and its a reward if you think you can
  teach them a lesson.

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How to treat a Bully

• The more ego driven you are the more you will try
  to challenge the bully. Deny access or contact,
  be assertive not aggressive
• Dont try teach a bully a lesson or prove
  anything to the bully. Egos can get caught up in
  the mind games and trying to win wars against the
  bully is not the best way to work with them.

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Five Basic Principles

1. Express empathy
2. Develop discrepancy
3. Avoid argumentation
4. Roll with resistance
5. Support self worth.

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Express Empathy

• Convey a feeling that their behavior makes sense
  given the context and current way of thinking
  about them

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Develop Discrepancy

• Highlight apparent conflicts between stated goals
  and current lifestyle.

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Avoid Arguments

• Avoid pushing or arguing with participants in an
  attempt to convince them of inconsistency in
  their thinking.

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Roll with Resistance

• New perspectives are invited but not imposed the
  primary resource is finding solutions.

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Support Self-Worth

• Encourage even the smallest attempts to change.

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Team Moral

• Empathy
• Conscience
• Self Control
• Respect
• Kindness
• Tolerance
• Fairness

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Workplace Ethics

• Employees are valued
• Communication is courteous and polite
• People are treated as they wish to be treated
• Conflict is addressed in a positive and
  respectful manner
• Disrespectful behavior and harassment are
  addressed
• Never make co-workers look bad
• Learn to appreciate the differences in others
• Remember that the greatest hunger that people
  have is to be needed, wanted and loved
• Dont try to impress others, let them impress you

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REMEMBER

• Keep your word
• Be sure to follow through
• Refrain from gossip
• Be a friend
• Give a compliment
• Be enthusiastic and positive
• View everything you do from the other side.

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• Make others laugh, laughing with others is
  bonding
• First give and then think about getting
• Dont whine or complain
• Smile, a warm inviting smile will help put others
  at ease.

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Develop Your Own Self Care Plan

1. Spend plenty of quiet time alone
2. Recharge your batteries daily
3. Hold one focused, connected and meaningful
   conversation each day