Remarriage: A Growing Way of American Life

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Chapter 16

• Remarriage A Growing Way of American Life

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Chapter Outline

• Returning to Single Life
• Remarriage Will I Make the Same Mistakes Again?
  
• Family Law and Stepfamilies
• His, Hers, and Ours The Stepfamily
• The New Extended Family
• Building Stepfamily Strengths

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Serial Monogamy

• What Americans experience is not
• monogamy, but serial monogamythat is, several
  spouses or intimate partners over a lifetime, but
  only one at a time.

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Dating and Courtship after Divorce

• Age.
• The divorced dating person will be older, which
  offers the advantage of more experience and (it
  is hoped) wisdom.
• This may be offset by a restricted choice of
  partners, especially for women.

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Dating and Courtship after Divorce

• Children.
• Although single persons may have a child, the
  chances are greater that a divorced person has a
  child or children.

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Dating and Courtship after Divorce

• Marital experience.
• The divorced person has been through a marriage
  and has experienced establishing a household and
  the subsequent breakup of the relationship and
  household.

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Rebound Relationships

• The transition person is an individual who, out
  of friendship, love, and sympathy, helps another
  person through a difficult period such as
  divorce.
• They may temporarily take the place of the
  missing spouse.

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Remarriage Problems

• Each mate may have problems of low self-esteem
  stemming from the divorce.
• The divorced are less apt to tolerate a poor
  second marriage.
• They have been through divorce and know that they
  have survived.

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Remarriage Problems

1. The past relationship is never really over.
2. A remarriage that involves children will
   experience many more complications.
3. The society around the remarrying person tends to
   expect another failure.

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Problems Facing the Stepfamily

1. Because 90 of stepfamilies are stepfather
   families, integrating the stepfather into the
   childs (childrens) life (lives) is crucial.
2. The creation of a satisfying second marriage and
   separating it from the first marriage.
3. The successful management of change.
4. Dealing with nonresident parents and former
   spouses.

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Family Law and Stepfamilies

• Child Support Obligations Only a minority of
  states have statutes that obligate stepparents to
  support stepchildren, and these usually apply
  only when the stepchildren are living with the
  stepparents.
• Custody and Visitation of Stepchildren Because
  stepchildren are not considered children of the
  marriage, stepparents usually do not have any
  custody or visitation rights upon divorce.

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The Blended Family

• The blended family includes a husband and wife,
  at least one of whom has been married before, and
  one or more children from previous marriages.

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Ten Commandments of Stepparenting

1. Provide neutral territory.
2. Dont try to fit a preconceived role.
3. Set limits and enforce them.
4. Allow an outlet for the childrens feelings for
   natural parents.
5. Expect ambivalence.

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Ten Commandments of Stepparenting

1. Avoid mealtime misery.
2. Dont expect instant love.
3. Dont take all the responsibility.
4. Be patient.
5. Maintain the primacy of the marital relationship.

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Weekend Visits Problems

1. The stepmother must conform to the visitation
   plan, which she probably had no part in creating.
   
2. The children arent around her enough for an
   emotional bond to form.
3. The stepmother really doesnt have a
   well-described mothering role, freely chosen by
   her.

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Weekend Visits Suggestions

1. A child needs a place to keep his/her things and
   assurance that things belonging to him/her arent
   disturbed by others.
2. Consistent routines, chores, and an assigned
   place at the table ensure a sense of belonging.
3. A relaxing environment, without too many special
   activities, creates a sense of family.

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Weekend Visits Suggestions

1. Each child in the family, including the part-time
   visiting child, needs alone time with the
   parents.
2. Encouraging the child to bring a friend for the
   weekend makes the visit feel more like home.
3. Use family meetings to get children involved in
   the workings of the household.

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Potential Strengths of Stepfamilies

• Stepchildren learn problem solving, negotiation,
  and coping skills and also become more flexible
  and adaptable as they adjust to the new
  stepfamily.
• The presence of a greater number of mature adults
  adds support and exposes children to a wider
  variety of people and experiences.
• Additional role models are available to children.

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Potential Strengths of Stepfamilies

• Stepparents may try harder to be good parents
  thus, children gain an additional parent to learn
  from, to love, and to be loved in return.
• Finances are usually improved.
• Assuming that the remarriage is successful, both
  adults and children can learn what it is like to
  be in a happy, enduring relationship.

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Quick Quiz
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1. Several spouses or intimate partners over a
lifetime, but only one at a time is

1. Stepparenting
2. Remarriage
3. Serial monogamy
4. Rebound relationships

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Answer c

• Several spouses or intimate partners over a
  lifetime, but only one at a time is serial
  monogamy.

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2. The blended family includes

1. Several generations in one household
2. Husband and wife, and children from a previous
   marriage as well as any from the current one
3. Husband and wife from different races or ethnic
   groups
4. Husband and wife from different religious
   backgrounds

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Answer b

• The blended family includes a husband and wife,
  children from a previous marriage and any from
  the current marriage.

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3. Which of the following is a potential strength
of stepfamilies?

1. The stepmother must conform to the visitation
   plan, which she probably had no part in creating.
2. Dealing with nonresident parents and former
   spouses.
3. The stepmother really doesnt have a
   well-described mothering role, freely chosen by
   her.
4. Additional role models are available to children.

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Answer d

• The availability of additional role models to
  children, in the form of stepparents is cited in
  the book as a potential strength of stepfamilies.

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