CHAPTER 7

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CHAPTER 7 SINGLEHOOD, MATE SELECTION

• Instructor Wendy Crapo

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Used by permission of THE ACADEMY OF NURSING 2355
E. 3900 S. S.L.C., UT 84124 801-506-0064
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• What first attracts you to the opposite sex?
• What characteristics are most important to you?
• Divide men women into separate groups and come
  up with a list, in order of importance of what
  characteristics are important in the opposite
  sex.

You attract what you are.. not what you want.
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Halo effect The assumptions that good-looking
people possess more desirable social
characteristics.

• Happiest couples feel their partner is attractive
  they have the best sex lives. Appearance
  continues to be important through marriage.
  Changes in wifes appearance have more effect
  than changes in husbands appearance.

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THEORIES OF MATE SELECTION
Who is the most powerful man in America?
Who is the most influential woman in America?

• Men are valued for status money.
• Women are valued for good looks, child rearing
  homemaking skills.

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• MARRIAGE GRADIENT Why men choose younger women
  women choose higher status.
• MARRIAGE SQUEEZE Older women have fewer
  eligible males. Working women dont need a man
  for a paycheck but want a companion.

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FIELD OF ELIGIBLES Culture approves of
potential partners. ENDOGAMY Marriage within a
particular group. EXOGAMY Marriage outside a
particular group.

• Does not allow incestuous relationships.
• Second cousins allowed to marry, first cousins
  over 40 years old.
• Native Americans and Orientals marry outside race
  more often.

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OPPOSITES ATTRACT

• FACT OR FALLACY?

Question
What things are important to have in common?
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Important Similarities

• Race 97 marriages of same race.
• Religion Greatest risk of divorce is if one is
  very religious.
• Socioeconomic Status Men often marry down,
  women often marry up.
• Age Members of same generation at same life
  tasks. Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage
  has climbed.
• Propinquity Residence, geographically limited
  locale (internet).

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Heterogamous Marriages

• Homogamous marriages are more likely to succeed
  because Heterogamous marriages
• Different values and lack understanding.
• Lack approval from friends and family, less
  support.
• Less conventional, therefore less likely to stay
  married for looks.

Activity Take Temperament test.
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WHO SHOULD I MARRY?

• PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE
• Both teens 3 to 4 x more likely to divorce
• Only 5 will last more than 5 years
• Girl is a teen 2 x more likely to divorce

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Predictors of Success

• Common skills
• Good emotional physical health
• High self esteem
• High education level
• Older age at first marriage
• High social status
• Longer courtship
• average engagement 9 months
• average acquaintance 2 2 1/2 years)

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Predictors of Success

• Parent Model
• High marriage quality in family of origin
• High level of happiness in childhood
• Positive relationship between parents
• Support from significant others
• Parent approval of spouse
• Liking of in-laws
• Support of friends

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PURPOSES OF DATING

• SOCIALIZATION
• To develop appropriate social skills to practice
  getting along with others in different settings.
• RECREATION
• To have fun and enjoy the companionship of
  others, and to try new and different activities.
• MATE SELECTION
• To see others in many different settings, to
  compare the personality and characteristics of
  many people.

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Is dating a reflection of real life?
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STAGES OF DATING

• Stimulus Stage Attraction is physical, mental
  or social.
• Value Stage Weigh each others values to see if
  compatible. Usually determined between 2-7 dates
  (best to breakup here).
• Role Stage Analyze behaviors to determine
  filling roles as lover, companion, friend,
  worker, spouse and parent.

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HOW MANY GUYS WOULD ASK A GIRL OUT WITH OUT
BEING GIVEN PERMISSION BEFOREHAND? Men are
afraid of rejection from women.

• 1 of men preferred women who waited to be asked.
• 99 of men wanted women to hint to be asked.
• 50 of men preferred women to ask them out.

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Initiating a Date

• Women most often covertly initiate meeting by
  sending nonverbal signals of interest.
• Women control dating

FLIRT ACT A Animation C Closeness
accidentally on purpose run into them.
Be where they are. T Touch Catch eye, smile,
touch elbow, etc (at least 3 times a week)
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• HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE FOR DATING?
• Open field A setting in which potential
  partners may not be likely to meet, characterized
  by large numbers of people who do not ordinarily
  interact, such as a beach, mall or campus.
• Closed field A setting in which potential
  partners may meet, characterized by a small
  number of people who are likely to interact, such
  as a class, dorm or party).

Parties are the most common place 1/3 to 1/2 of
all meetings are introductions by friends. (also
internet, classified ads, dating services and
churches)
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PROBLEMS IN DATING

• Power is not usually a problem in dating but
  gender roles are.
• Who pays?
• Who decides?
• Communication
• Shyness
• Sexual pressure

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BREAKING UP

• Be sure that you want to break up and are not
  just avoiding problems and issues.
• Acknowledge that your partner will be hurt.
• Once you end the relationship, do not continue
  seeing your former partner as friends for some
  time.
• Dont change your mind.
• The pain loneliness are natural.
• You are a worthwhile person whether you are with
  your partner or not.
• Keep a sense of humor.

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SINGLEHOOD

• PROS?
• CONS?

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• Increasing
• Divorced, widowed, never married
• Delayed marriage
• Employment options for women
• Increased divorce decreased likelihood of
  remarriage
• More women in college
• More liberal social sexual standards
• Uneven ratios of unmarried women to men

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SINGLEHOOD

• Increases economic, emotional independence.
• Difficulty committing and doing what one ought to
  do rather than what one wants to do.
• Men need women less than women need men thus men
  flee obligation.
• Men less mentally healthy as single.
• Media portrays singles as glorified and marriage
  as unsatisfied with affairs.

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TYPES OF NEVER MARRIEDS

• Ambivalence voluntary and temporary
• Wishful Involuntarily temporary
• Resolved Permanent and prefer it
• Regretful Resigned to their fate. Often well
  educated, high income over 40 but no available
  men.

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MYTHS OF SINGLEHOOD

• Singles are dependent on their parents
• Singles are self-centered
• Singles have more money (married couples are
  better off dual incomes)
• Singles are happier
• Singles view single hood as a lifetime alternative

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CHARACTERISTICS OF SINGLEHOOD

• Singles dont fit into married society
• Singles have more time
• Singles have more fun
• Singles are lonely

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COHABITATION
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COHABITATION

• LEGAL PROBLEMS
• Cant file joint tax return
• Cant make medical decisions
• Cant inherit
• Cant enter hospital or jail restricted to
  family
• Cant create estate trust
• Cant claim marital deduction on income tax
• Cant receive survivor insurance benefits
• Cant get health benefits, bereavement leave, etc
• Cant collect unemployment if you move for a
  partners job
• Cant get residency status for a noncitizen

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COMMITMENT

• May not work as hard.
• Lack of pooling of money
• More fighting violence
• Man not expected to support his partner, both
  work
• Less social support
• Greater likelihood of divorce
• More liberal, independent, less religious, lower
  income

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WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS!!

• HOW TO MAKE IT LAST

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FAMILY

• 1. Marriage increases the likelihood that
  fathers have good relationships with their
  children.
• 2. Cohabitation is not the functional equivalent
  of marriage.
• 3. Growing up outside an intact marriage
  increases the likelihood that children will
  themselves divorce or become unwed parents.
• 4. Marriage is a virtually universal human
  institution.

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ECONOMICS

• 5. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase
  poverty for both children and mother.
• 6. Married couples seem to build more wealth on
  average than singles or cohabiting couples.
• 7. Married men earn more money than do single
  men with similar education and job histories.

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• 8. Parental divorce appears to increase
  childrens risk of school failure.
• 9. Parental divorce reduces the likelihood that
  children will graduate from college and achieve
  high-status jobs.

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PHYSICAL HEALTH LONGEVITY

• 10. Children who live with their own two married
  parents enjoy better physical health, on average,
  than do children in other family forms.

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• 11. Parental marriage is associated with a
  sharply lower risk of infant mortality.
• 12. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of
  substance abuse for both adults and teens.
• 13. Married people, especially married men, have
  longer life expectancies than do otherwise
  similar singles.
• 14. Marriage is associated with better health
  and lower rates of injury, illness and
  disability for both men women.

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MENTAL HEALTH EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING

• 15. Children whose parents divorce have higher
  rates of psychological distress and mental
  illness.
• 16. Divorce appears significantly to increase
  the risk of suicide.
• 17. Married mothers have lower rates of
  depression than do single or cohabiting mothers.

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CRIME DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• 18. Boys raised in single-parent families are
  more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal
  behavior.
• 19. Marriage appears to reduce the risk that
  adults will be either perpetrators or victims of
  crime.

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• 20. Married women appear to have a lower risk of
  experiencing domestic violence than to cohabiting
  or dating women.
• 21. A child who is not living with his or her
  own two married parents is at greater risk of
  child abuse.

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MAKING IT LAST
MAKING IT LAST FOR A LIFETIME

• FOR A LIFETIME!!

Activity In groups discuss Marriage Opinion 10.3
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FIRST IMPRESSION first illusions

• People tend to freeze first impressions in their
  mind.
• We want to make up our mind very quickly about a
  person.
• If these impressions are incorrect they will feel
  very uncomfortable compromising.

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• You arent the man/woman I married.
• You seem different now.
• It isnt the same as when we were dating.
• You cheated me.

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• Misleading initial acts, impressions, and images
  can become disastrous later on.
• Clarify any misunderstanding as soon as possible.

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ASSERT YOUR IDENTITY

• Partners must know and respect your identity.
• If it is compromised it becomes eroded and
  confused.
• One must be REAL.

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RESOLVING PROBLEMS CONFLICT

• Both partners must express their wants and needs
  honestly.
• Both partners must respect one another as peers.
• Constructive resolutions build trust.

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RESOLVING PROBLEMS CONFLICT (continued)

• The time to share fears and confront the
  possibilities of conflict is from the start.
• The greater the affection grows, the greater
  grows the fear of losing love.
• Dont love now fight later.

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Happily married couples

1. Bargaining compromise (the best deal for both)
2. Agreement as a gift (without resentment)
3. Coexistence Agree (to disagree live with it)

• Summarize
• Paraphrasing
• Validating
• Clarification

The object of marriage peaceful coexistence
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ACHIEVE GENUINE INTIMACY

• Be totally honest and kind at the same time.
• Control negative destructive impulses control
  your anger.
• Express your deepest fears, hopes, and emotions
  and everyday thoughts.

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ACCEPT THE OTHER TOTALLY

• Marriage is a lifetime of getting to know each
  other.
• People do not really know each other when they
  marry.

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Before marriage

• We hide
• We ignore
• We mislabel
• We dont agree on relevant matters
• We believe our loved one will change after
  marriage.

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CHANGING, LEARNING, GROWING TOGETHER

• Be flexible unforeseen events will happen.
• Be prepared for change people change,
  situations shift, relationships take on new
  dimensions.
• Couples can cope adapt.

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Be enthusiastically involved in each others
becoming as well as being.

• Have a positive attitude.
• Express positive comments most of the time.
• Criticism about inadequacies eliminates emotional
  space.

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• True marriage
• Is not my devotion to you,
• Nor is it yours to me.
• True marriage
• Is our devotion to us.
• By Lois Wyse

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From Rabbi Ben Ezra

• Grow old along with me!
• The best is yet to be,
• The last of life, for which the first was made.
• by Robert Browning

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VOCABULARY CHAPTER 7 SINGLEHOOD PAIRING

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• 1.      Closed field A setting in which
  potential partners may meet.
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• 2.      Complimentary needs theory We select
  partners whose needs are different from and/or
  complement our own needs.
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• 3.      Endogamy Marriage within a particular
  group.
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• 4.      Exogamy Marriage outside a group you
  belong to.
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• 5.      Field of eligibles A group of
  individuals of the same general background and
  age who are culturally approved potential marital
  partners.

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Vocabulary Continued

•  6.     Halo effect The tendency to infer
  positive characteristics or traits based on a
  persons physical attractiveness.
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• 2. 7.   Heterogamy Marriage between those with
  different social or personal characteristics.
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• 3. 8. Homogamy Marriage between those with
  similar social or personal characteristics.
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• 4.9.    Marriage gradient The tendency for men
  to marry younger women of lower socioeconomic
  status and for women to marry older men of higher
  socioeconomic status.
•  

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• 10. 10.    Marriage Squeeze The phenomenon in
  which there are greater numbers of marriageable
  women than marriageable men, particularly among
  older women and African-American women.
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• 2.      11. Open field A setting in which
  potential partners may not be likely to meet.
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• 3.      12. Residential Propinquity A pattern
  in which the chances of two people marrying are
  greater the closer they live to each other.