Explode Into Writing

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Explode Into Writing

• Sentence Revision
• and
• Elaboration

2
Remember this outline?

• I. Nice person
• A. Makes me happy
• 1. Makes cookies
• 2. Picks up after me
• B. Helps others
• 1. Takes Grandma to the Dr.
• 2. Helps at my school
• II. Great person

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Outline to Paragraph

• Take each line of the outline and make it into a
  sentence. This will form your first draft.

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• I. Nice person
• My mother is a nice person

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• A. Makes me happy
• She does many things to make me happy

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• 1. Makes me cookies
• She bakes lots of cookies.

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• 2. Picks up after me
• She picks up after me when Im in a hurry.

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• B. Helps others
• She helps others.

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• 1. Takes Grandma to the dr.
• She takes Grandma to the doctor.

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• 2. Helps at my school
• She helps out at my school

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• II. Great person
• Mom is a great person.

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Complete paragraph

• My mother is a nice person. She does many
  things to make me happy. She bakes lots of
  cookies. She picks up after me when Im in a
  hurry. She helps others. She takes Grandma to
  the doctor. She helps out at my school. Mom is
  a great person.

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We can improve on this.

• REVISION STRATEGIES

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Make sentences complex.

• We do this by starting with words similar to the
  following

If When Since Although
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• My mother is a nice person
• becomes
• When I hear the phrase nice person, my mother
  comes to mind.
• If you want to define the word nice, think of
  my mom.

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ADD TRANSITION WORDS!

• DO NOT USE THE SAME ONES OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

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COMMON TRANSITION WORDS

• The first The second A good A better The
  best
• First Another Next First of all in
  addition Finally
• First Second Third First of all Second
  Last
• One Also First of all Next The final
• One Then Another One way Another way
• One One other Along with Last
• One Another Finally
• One example Another example
• First in addition Equally important

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• She does many things to make me happy.
• becomes
• One Way she makes me happy is by doing little
  things for me

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BURY TRANSITIONS

• This means to put them somewhere other than at
  the beginning of a sentence.

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• She helps others.
• becomes
• Helping others is another way my mom shows
  kindness.

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ELABORATE!
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• She bakes lots of cookies.
• Often when I come home from school, Mom has
  fresh cookies right out of the oven.

Describe what you mean.
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Add a little extra detail.

• Just thinking of them makes my mouth water!

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• She picks up after me when Im in a hurry.
• When Im in a rush to get to school, she picks
  up my pajamas and makes my bed.

Describe what you mean.
25
Add a little extra detail.

• I really appreciate coming home to a tidy room.

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Partially completed paragraph

• If you want to define the word nice, think of
  my mom. One way she makes me happy is by doing
  little things for me. Often when I come home
  from school, Mom has fresh cookies right out of
  the oven. Just thinking of them makes my mouth
  water. When Im in a rush to get to school, she
  picks up my pajamas and makes my bed. I really
  appreciate coming home to a tidy room. Helping
  others is another way my mom shows kindness

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Assignment

• Describe and elaborate these two reds
• She takes Grandma to the doctor.
• She helps out at my school.
• Describe and elaborate. Youll have to make
  this part up.

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• She takes Grandma to the doctor.
• Since Grandma cant drive, Mom takes her to the
  doctor. Grandma really enjoys the extra time she
  gets to spend with her own daughter.

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• She helps out at my school.
• On Mondays my mother works in the school library
  putting away the checked-in books. The school
  appreciates all of her volunteer work.

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Conclusion

• Use synonyms to restate your topic

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Mom

• Parent
• Mother
• Loving individual
• Hand-that-rocks-the-cradle

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Nice

• Charming
• Gracious
• Generous
• Warm-hearted
• Compassionate

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• Mom is a great person.
• becomes
• This loving individual defines nice by
  generously sharing her time and energy.

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Complete color-coded paragraph

• If you want to define the word nice, think of
  my mom. One way she makes me happy is by doing
  little things for me. Often when I come home
  from school, Mom has fresh cookies right out of
  the oven. Just thinking of them makes my mouth
  water. When Im in a rush to get to school, she
  picks up my pajamas and makes my bed. I really
  appreciate coming home to a tidy room. Helping
  others is another way my mom shows kindness.
  Since Grandma cant drive, Mom takes her to the
  doctor. Grandma really enjoys the extra time she
  gets to spend with her own daughter. On Mondays
  my mother works in the school library putting
  away the checked-in books. The school
  appreciates all of her volunteer work. This
  loving individual defines nice by generously
  sharing her time and energy.

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ADDING THE BLUES

• Blue is used for
• Background information
• A lead or a hook
• A rhetorical question (one that doesnt require
  an answer)

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Have you ever thought about what a nice person
really is?(rhetorical question)
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Add to the beginning of the paragraph.

• Have you ever thought about what a nice
  person really is? If you want to define the word
  nice, think of my mom. One way she makes me
  happy is by doing little things for me. Often
  when I come home from school,

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Lets see another example

• My Family Vacation

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Remember this outline?

• I. Family Vacation 2004
• A. Pebble Beach
• 1. 17 mile drive
• 2. Wave crashers
• B. Grand Canyon
• 1. Drews near fatal jump
• 2. Warning signs
• II. Getaway

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• I. Family Vacation 2004
• We took a family vacation in 2004.

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• A. Pebble Beach
• We went to Pebble Beach, California.

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• 1. 17 Mile Drive
• We drove along a tourist route called 17 Mile
  Drive.

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• 2. Wave crashers
• My kids played in the cold waves and fell down in
  the water.

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• A. Grand Canyon
• The Grand Canyon was our next stop.

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• 1. Drews near fatal fall
• Drew jumped off some rocks and slid to the edge
  of the canyon.

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• 2. Warning signs
• After that, we saw warning signs that people die
  here.

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• II. Getaway
• I enjoyed that summer getaway.

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Complete paragraph

• We took a family vacation in 2004. We
  went to Pebble Beach, California. We drove along
  a tourist route called 17 Mile Drive. My kids
  played in the cold waves and fell down in the
  water. The Grand Canyon was our next stop.
  Drew jumped off some rocks and slid to the edge
  of the canyon. After that, we saw warning signs
  that people die here. I enjoyed that summer
  getaway.

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REVISE and ELABORATE!
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• We took a family vacation in 2004.
• becomes
• Our family vacation in 2004 provided some
  unforgettable experiences.

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ADD TRANSITION WORDS!
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• We went to Pebble Beach, California.
• becomes
• First, Id like to recount the day we spent at
  Pebble Beach, California.

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• The Grand Canyon was our next stop.
• becomes
• Our next exciting experience was at the Grand
  Canyon in Arizona.

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• We drove along a tourist route called 17 Mile
  Drive.
• Our excursion began with a leisurely scenic
  drive along the Oceanside with incredible views
  of mansions built for movie stars and other super
  rich people, aptly named 17 Mile Drive in all
  the tourist brochures.

Describe what you mean.
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Add a little extra detail.

• Unfortunately, we didnt get a
  glimpse of anyone famous.

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• My kids played in the cold waves and fell down in
  the water.
• Although, along the drive, we explored a
  beach where my children learned the hard way that
  the icy cold waves of the Pacific can
  unexpectedly knock people right off their feet
  onto their backsides, feet flying straight up
  into the air.

Describe what you mean.
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• I couldnt help but laugh hysterically,
  watching them pull themselves, drenched and
  shuddering, back to the dry shore.

Add a little extra detail.
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• Drew jumped off some rocks and slid to the edge
  of the canyon.
• My young son Drew decided to jump off some
  boulders at a lookout point and took a nearly
  fatal slide virtually over the edge of the
  canyon!

Describe what you mean.
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• I think I lost 10 years of my life in that one
  instant, along with the foreigner who had yelled,
  HE GONNA FALL! only a moment before.

Add a little extra detail.
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• After that, we saw warning signs that people die
  here.
• Later, I made sure he saw the signs that read
  DANGER! PEOPLE DIE HERE!

Describe what you mean.
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• He turned pale with that realization and made
  sure not to stray too close to the edge again.

Add a little extra detail.
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• I enjoyed that summer getaway.
• becomes
• We will never forget that eventful summer
  getaway.

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Look how it changed!

• Check out the differences between the original
  basic paragraph to the new revised one.

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Complete paragraph

• We took a family vacation in 2004. We
  went to Pebble Beach, California. We drove along
  a tourist route called 17 Mile Drive. My kids
  played in the cold waves and fell down in the
  water. The Grand Canyon was our next stop.
  Drew jumped off some rocks and slid to the edge
  of the canyon. After that, we saw warning signs
  that people die here. I enjoyed that summer
  getaway.

65
Complete color-coded paragraph

• Our family vacation in 2004 provided some
  unforgettable experiences. First, Id like to
  recount the day we spent at Pebble Beach,
  California. Our excursion began with a leisurely
  scenic drive along the Oceanside with incredible
  views of mansions built for movie stars and other
  super rich people, aptly named 17 Mile Drive in
  all the tourist brochures. Unfortunately, we
  didnt get a glimpse of anyone famous.
  Although, along the drive, we explored a beach
  where my children learned the hard way that the
  icy cold waves of the Pacific can unexpectedly
  knock people right off their feet onto their
  backsides, feet flying straight up into the air.
  I couldnt help but laugh hysterically, watching
  them pull themselves, drenched and shuddering,
  back to the dry shore. Our next exciting
  experience was at the Grand Canyon in Arizona.
  My 10 year old son Drew decided to jump off some
  boulders at a lookout point and took a nearly
  fatal slide virtually over the edge of the
  canyon! I think I lost 10 years of my life in
  that one instant, along with the foreigner who
  had yelled, HE GONNA FALL! only a moment
  before. Later, I made sure he saw the signs that
  read DANGER! PEOPLE DIE HERE! He turned pale
  with that realization and made sure not to stray
  too close to the edge again. We will never
  forget that eventful summer getaway.

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ADD THE BLUE

• After a very traumatic year filled with a
  string of family deaths, our family needed a
  break from the stress of the most recent funeral,
  so we decided to make the trip back home into a
  vacation.
• (background information)

67
Add to the beginning of the paragraph.

• After a very traumatic year filled with a
  string of family deaths, our family needed a
  break from the stress of the most recent funeral,
  so we decided to make the trip back home into a
  vacation. Our family vacation in 2004 provided
  some unforgettable experiences. First, Id like
  to recount the day we spent at Pebble Beach,
  California. Our excursion began

68
Complete color-coded paragraph

• After a very traumatic year filled with a
  string of family deaths, our family needed a
  break from the stress of the most recent funeral,
  so we decided to make the trip back home into a
  vacation. Our family vacation in 2004 provided
  some unforgettable experiences. First, Id like
  to recount the day we spent at Pebble Beach,
  California. Our excursion began with a leisurely
  scenic drive along the Oceanside with incredible
  views of mansions built for movie stars and other
  super rich people, aptly named 17 Mile Drive in
  all the tourist brochures. Unfortunately, we
  didnt get a glimpse of anyone famous.
  Although, along the drive, we explored a beach
  where my children learned the hard way that the
  icy cold waves of the Pacific can unexpectedly
  knock people right off their feet onto their
  backsides, feet flying straight up into the air.
  I couldnt help but laugh hysterically, watching
  them pull themselves, drenched and shuddering,
  back to the dry shore. Our next exciting
  experience was at the Grand Canyon in Arizona.
  My 10 year old son Drew decided to jump off some
  boulders at a lookout point and took a nearly
  fatal slide virtually over the edge of the
  canyon! I think I lost 10 years of my life in
  that one instant, along with the foreigner who
  had yelled, HE GONNA FALL! only a moment
  before. Later, I made sure he saw the signs that
  read DANGER! PEOPLE DIE HERE! He turned pale
  with that realization and made sure not to stray
  too close to the edge again. We will never
  forget that eventful summer getaway.

69
Now its your turn!

• Revise each sentence step by step
• make sentences complex (if, when, since)
• add, vary, and bury transition words
• describe exactly what you mean
• give DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS
• use action verbs and descriptive
• words
• add a little extra!
• add a blue
• ONE REVISED PARAGRAPH DUE AT THE END OF CLASS
  ON WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2006 (beginning of
  class).