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Guardians of Hope

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Time Magazine, January 24, 2005. cited by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, 2006 ... Focus on beauty attend to what is good, uplifting, sweet about life ... – PowerPoint PPT presentation

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Title: Guardians of Hope


1
Guardians of Hope
  • Helping Young Single Adults Toward Spiritual
    Maturity

Wendy Ulrich, Ph.D. Sixteen Stones Center for
Growth, LLC
2

3

4

5
  • We are watchers of a
    beacon whose light must never die

6
  • We are guardians of an altar midst the silence of
    the sky

7
Where the rocks yield founts of courage,Struck
forth as by Thy rod.
8
  • For the strength of the hills
  • we bless Thee,
  • Our God, Our Fathers God.

9
that they may grow up in thee, and receive a
fullness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized
according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain
every needful thing - Doctrine and Covenants
10915

10
Growing Up in God
  • The temple tutors us in spiritual maturation
  • Spiritual adulthood is based on
  • Capacity to trust and attach to others
  • Strong sense of personal identity
  • Clarity of direction for the future
  • Skill in discerning and following the Spirit
  • Capacity to build happiness, engagement in life,
    and personal meaning even in struggle

11
A new stage of development
  • the years from 18 to 25 have become a
    distinct and separate life stage, a strange
    transitional never-never land between adolescence
    and adulthood in which people stall for a few
    extra years, postponingadult responsibility.
  • Time Magazine, January 24, 2005
  • cited by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, 2006

12
The path to adulthood for rejuveniles
  • Before they head out to the chilly unknown, they
    fortify themselves with the comforts of home and
    the camaraderie of friends, accumulating multiple
    degrees, high-interest debt, and checkered
    romantic histories. They travel in packs of
    other not-quite-grown-ups, dipping their toes
    into one enthusiasm, romance and job after
    another. These are the job-hoppers,
    speed-daters, and the loyal viewers of Friends,
    the people who took to heart the adage, Follow
    your blisswhich has sent them unexpectedly far
    afield of most things resembling traditional
    adulthood

13
  • People in their 20s and 30s are
    reinterpreting the very idea of adulthood
    rejecting the notion of a life that proceeds
    neatly from one stage to the next. Its not that
    Twixters refuse to grow up theyre just growing
    up on their own terms, reshuffling, prolonging,
    and interweaving a once-predictable sequence of
    events that, until recently, could be counted on
    to usher one into a settled, stable way of
    lifeThey are on role hiatusforging a new
    sense of adulthood - one that has less to do with
    what theyve achieved than how they feel
  • Christopher Noxon (2006). Rejuvenile
    Kickball, Cartoons, Cupcakes, and the Reinvetion
    of the American Grown-up.

14
Average age of first marriage
U.S. Census Bureau statistics
15
Educational attainment percent completing high
school
US Census Bureau statistics
16
Educational attainment percent completing
college
US Census Bureau statistics
17
The Quarterlife Crisis
  • At its heart, an identity crisis
  • Choices not narrowed by responsibilities
  • Makes the vast array of decisions more difficult
    to make
  • This identity crisis both a cause and an effect
    of procrastination and denial
  • Robbins Wilner (2001). Quarterlife Crisis
    The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties

18
Implications?
  • Higher education levels prolong the in-training
    period for young adults
  • Higher divorce rates may have increased
    uncertainty about the viability of marriage
  • Major life decisions are postponed, and the
    postponing leads to more ambiguity

19
Ambiguous loss
  • When someone we love is physically present but
    emotionally absent
  • When someone we love is emotionally present but
    physically absent
  • Pauline Boss (1999). Ambiguous Loss Learning
    to Live with Unresolved Grief

20
Who is in the circle?
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Who is in the circle?
Parents Siblings Children Friends Grandparents Pet
s
22
Clear losses - someone in the circle dies or
permanently leaves
  • We no longer hold a place open in the circle for
    this person
  • Dont turn to them for daily support
  • Dont consult them on decisions
  • Dont expect them to care for us
  • Dont share with them at holidays
  • Dont wait for them to return
  • Dont build our future around them

23
Who is in the circle?
  • Prisoner of war? Kidnapped son?
  • Divorced wife? Missionary?
  • Inactive child? Ill
    parent?
  • Estranged sibling? Addicted spouse?

Parents Siblings Children Friends Grandparents Pet
s
24
Ambiguous losses
  • We arent sure whether to hold a place open in
    the circle for this person
  • Do we count on them for daily support?
  • Should we consult them on decisions?
  • Can we expect them to care for us?
  • Do we rely on them at holidays?
  • Do we wait for them to return?
  • Do we wait to build our future with them?

25
Ambiguous losses are hard
  • Less societal support than for clear losses
  • No rituals to mark endings
  • Cant hold on, but cant completely let go
  • Cant really grieve so cant really stop grieving
  • Not okay to give up hope, but very difficult to
    keep hoping
  • When do we decide to move on?

26
Who is in the circle?
  • If Im single past the expected time, where do I
    put my future spouse and children?

27
Singlehood as ambiguous loss
  • How long do we hold a place open in the circle
    for a future spouse
  • Do we look for other sources of support?
  • Do we keep decisions on hold?
  • Who are we without them?
  • How long do we wait for them?
  • Do we wait to build a future with them?
  • Wendy Ulrich and Christine Packard (2006).
    Un-marital status Hope and help for young
    single adults (AMCAP Convention, March 2006)

28
Ambiguous losses are hard
  • Less societal support than for clear losses
  • No rituals to mark endings
  • Cant completely let go
  • Cant really grieve so cant stop grieving
  • Not okay to give up hope, but very difficult to
    keep hoping
  • When do we decide to move on?

29
Elder John K. CarmackEnsign, March, 1989
  • Attempting to give advice to those who are
    prepared for and desire to marry other than
    one-on-one in an interview situation is
    hazardous.
  • Your own inspiration and intuition, as parts of
    a prayerful, temple-centered, service-oriented
    life, are probably more helpful than the
    well-meaning advice, criticism, and solutions
    offered by some who try to help you toward your
    goal of temple marriage.

30
Coping may start with all of us accepting that
this is a real loss
  • Young single adults who are struggling with their
    single status (and clearly not all are) are
    helped to know that we understand the sense of
    loss they may feel
  • It can also help to know that ambiguous loss is
    part of all of our lives in some way
  • We may not fully understand the loss they are
    experiencing, but we can understand something
    about ambiguous losses in general and can share
    how we cope

31
Coping with the ambiguous loss of singlehood
  • Focus on Christ the author and finisher of our
    faith
  • Focus on developing and contributing from
    strengths rather than just overcoming weaknesses
  • Focus on the present today is almost always
    manageable
  • Focus on decisions what can I decide today to
    move forward the next step

32
Coping with the ambiguous loss of singlehood
  • Focus on beauty attend to what is good,
    uplifting, sweet about life
  • Redefine success define myself by my abilities
    and character, not by marital status
  • Look at what we have to gain, not just what we
    have to lose
  • Uncertainly Single, Christine S. Packard
    and Wendy Ulrich, Ensign (in press, July,
    2008)

33
Tolerance for ambiguity
  • Two ends of a continuum
  • Anxiety about uncertainty rushing to a
    decision, any decision, rather than sit with the
    anxiety of not knowing
  • Anxiety about certainty postponing decisions to
    keep options open and leave room for something
    better to come along
  • Knowing our predisposition may help us understand
    it, heal from experiences that reinforced it, and
    compensate for it

34
We dont have to wait for marriage to grow up
  • Fortifying personal identity
  • Becoming an adult in our own eyes
  • Doing the things married adults do in terms of
    the markers of adulthood
  • That They May Grow Up in Thee Markers of
    Adulthood for Singles, Wendy Ulrich and
    Christine S. Packard, Ensign (in press)

35
Markers of adulthood
  • 1 - Acquiring an adult sense of mission
  • What kinds of challenges or problems interest
    you?
  • What groups or individuals would you like to
    serve?
  • What daily lifestyle appeals to you?
  • What strengths and interests are central to your
    identity?
  • If you were guaranteed success, what would you do
    with your life?

36
Markers of adulthood
  • 2 - Establishing personal goals and routines
  • Crucial for warding off depression
  • Coach and empower
  • Praise and encourage

37
Markers of adulthood
  • 3 - Managing physical self-care
  • Nutrition
  • Exercise
  • Health checkups
  • Sleep

38
Markers of adulthood
  • 4 - Increasing financial independence
  • Earning our own income
  • Living within our means
  • Getting out of debt
  • Saving
  • Investing
  • Planning for the future

39
Markers of adulthood
  • 5 - Creating a home
  • Not living forever on leftovers
  • Choosing what we love
  • Creating order and
  • beauty
  • Saving for home
  • ownership

40
Markers of adulthood
  • 6 - Shifting our sense of family
  • Creating a circle of mutual care
  • Siblings, friends, ward members, neighbors
  • Vacations, holidays,
  • nights out
  • Someone to talk to
  • every day

41
Markers of adulthood
  • 7 - Learning skills of emotional connection
  • Making and responding to bids
  • Working through conflicts
  • Listening
  • Sharing ourselves
  • Deepening meaningful
  • relationships

42
Markers of adulthood
  • 8 - Building a community
  • Wards and neighborhoods
  • Accepting callings
  • Helping neighbors
  • Cities and states
  • Voting and being politically active
  • Nations and peoples
  • Contributing to solving world problems

43
Markers of adulthood
  • 9 - Supporting the next generation
  • Mentoring new people at work, in ward
  • Foster care, scouting, volunteering
  • Contributing to profession
  • Helping new converts

44
Markers of adulthood
  • 10 - Growing in spiritual responsibility
  • Being Dani not Dani the single person
  • Friend, meaningful assignment, nurtured in the
    good word of God
  • Temple participation
  • Disciples of Christ
  • vs. children of God

45
  • It is often difficult to accept that we not only
    can be happy and single, but that it is not a
    self-betrayal to do so.

46
that they may grow up in thee, and receive a
fullness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized
according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain
every needful thing - Doctrine and Covenants
10915

47
  • We are watchers of a
    beacon whose light must never die

48
  • We are guardians of an altar midst the silence of
    the sky

49

Wendy Ulrich, Ph.D. wulrich_at_rbl.net Sixteen
Stones Center for Growth, LLC sixteenstones.net
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