Title: Guardians of Hope
1Guardians of Hope
- Helping Young Single Adults Toward Spiritual
Maturity
Wendy Ulrich, Ph.D. Sixteen Stones Center for
Growth, LLC
2 3 4 5 - We are watchers of a
beacon whose light must never die
6 - We are guardians of an altar midst the silence of
the sky
7Where the rocks yield founts of courage,Struck
forth as by Thy rod.
8 - For the strength of the hills
- we bless Thee,
- Our God, Our Fathers God.
9 that they may grow up in thee, and receive a
fullness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized
according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain
every needful thing - Doctrine and Covenants
10915
10Growing Up in God
- The temple tutors us in spiritual maturation
- Spiritual adulthood is based on
- Capacity to trust and attach to others
- Strong sense of personal identity
- Clarity of direction for the future
- Skill in discerning and following the Spirit
- Capacity to build happiness, engagement in life,
and personal meaning even in struggle
11A new stage of development
- the years from 18 to 25 have become a
distinct and separate life stage, a strange
transitional never-never land between adolescence
and adulthood in which people stall for a few
extra years, postponingadult responsibility. - Time Magazine, January 24, 2005
- cited by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, 2006
12The path to adulthood for rejuveniles
- Before they head out to the chilly unknown, they
fortify themselves with the comforts of home and
the camaraderie of friends, accumulating multiple
degrees, high-interest debt, and checkered
romantic histories. They travel in packs of
other not-quite-grown-ups, dipping their toes
into one enthusiasm, romance and job after
another. These are the job-hoppers,
speed-daters, and the loyal viewers of Friends,
the people who took to heart the adage, Follow
your blisswhich has sent them unexpectedly far
afield of most things resembling traditional
adulthood
13- People in their 20s and 30s are
reinterpreting the very idea of adulthood
rejecting the notion of a life that proceeds
neatly from one stage to the next. Its not that
Twixters refuse to grow up theyre just growing
up on their own terms, reshuffling, prolonging,
and interweaving a once-predictable sequence of
events that, until recently, could be counted on
to usher one into a settled, stable way of
lifeThey are on role hiatusforging a new
sense of adulthood - one that has less to do with
what theyve achieved than how they feel - Christopher Noxon (2006). Rejuvenile
Kickball, Cartoons, Cupcakes, and the Reinvetion
of the American Grown-up.
14Average age of first marriage
U.S. Census Bureau statistics
15Educational attainment percent completing high
school
US Census Bureau statistics
16Educational attainment percent completing
college
US Census Bureau statistics
17The Quarterlife Crisis
- At its heart, an identity crisis
- Choices not narrowed by responsibilities
- Makes the vast array of decisions more difficult
to make - This identity crisis both a cause and an effect
of procrastination and denial - Robbins Wilner (2001). Quarterlife Crisis
The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties
18Implications?
- Higher education levels prolong the in-training
period for young adults - Higher divorce rates may have increased
uncertainty about the viability of marriage - Major life decisions are postponed, and the
postponing leads to more ambiguity
19Ambiguous loss
- When someone we love is physically present but
emotionally absent - When someone we love is emotionally present but
physically absent - Pauline Boss (1999). Ambiguous Loss Learning
to Live with Unresolved Grief
20Who is in the circle?
21Who is in the circle?
Parents Siblings Children Friends Grandparents Pet
s
22Clear losses - someone in the circle dies or
permanently leaves
- We no longer hold a place open in the circle for
this person - Dont turn to them for daily support
- Dont consult them on decisions
- Dont expect them to care for us
- Dont share with them at holidays
- Dont wait for them to return
- Dont build our future around them
23Who is in the circle?
- Prisoner of war? Kidnapped son?
- Divorced wife? Missionary?
- Inactive child? Ill
parent? - Estranged sibling? Addicted spouse?
Parents Siblings Children Friends Grandparents Pet
s
24Ambiguous losses
- We arent sure whether to hold a place open in
the circle for this person - Do we count on them for daily support?
- Should we consult them on decisions?
- Can we expect them to care for us?
- Do we rely on them at holidays?
- Do we wait for them to return?
- Do we wait to build our future with them?
25Ambiguous losses are hard
- Less societal support than for clear losses
- No rituals to mark endings
- Cant hold on, but cant completely let go
- Cant really grieve so cant really stop grieving
- Not okay to give up hope, but very difficult to
keep hoping - When do we decide to move on?
26Who is in the circle?
- If Im single past the expected time, where do I
put my future spouse and children?
27Singlehood as ambiguous loss
- How long do we hold a place open in the circle
for a future spouse - Do we look for other sources of support?
- Do we keep decisions on hold?
- Who are we without them?
- How long do we wait for them?
- Do we wait to build a future with them?
- Wendy Ulrich and Christine Packard (2006).
Un-marital status Hope and help for young
single adults (AMCAP Convention, March 2006)
28Ambiguous losses are hard
- Less societal support than for clear losses
- No rituals to mark endings
- Cant completely let go
- Cant really grieve so cant stop grieving
- Not okay to give up hope, but very difficult to
keep hoping - When do we decide to move on?
29Elder John K. CarmackEnsign, March, 1989
- Attempting to give advice to those who are
prepared for and desire to marry other than
one-on-one in an interview situation is
hazardous. - Your own inspiration and intuition, as parts of
a prayerful, temple-centered, service-oriented
life, are probably more helpful than the
well-meaning advice, criticism, and solutions
offered by some who try to help you toward your
goal of temple marriage.
30Coping may start with all of us accepting that
this is a real loss
- Young single adults who are struggling with their
single status (and clearly not all are) are
helped to know that we understand the sense of
loss they may feel - It can also help to know that ambiguous loss is
part of all of our lives in some way - We may not fully understand the loss they are
experiencing, but we can understand something
about ambiguous losses in general and can share
how we cope
31Coping with the ambiguous loss of singlehood
- Focus on Christ the author and finisher of our
faith - Focus on developing and contributing from
strengths rather than just overcoming weaknesses - Focus on the present today is almost always
manageable - Focus on decisions what can I decide today to
move forward the next step -
32Coping with the ambiguous loss of singlehood
- Focus on beauty attend to what is good,
uplifting, sweet about life - Redefine success define myself by my abilities
and character, not by marital status - Look at what we have to gain, not just what we
have to lose - Uncertainly Single, Christine S. Packard
and Wendy Ulrich, Ensign (in press, July,
2008)
33Tolerance for ambiguity
- Two ends of a continuum
- Anxiety about uncertainty rushing to a
decision, any decision, rather than sit with the
anxiety of not knowing - Anxiety about certainty postponing decisions to
keep options open and leave room for something
better to come along - Knowing our predisposition may help us understand
it, heal from experiences that reinforced it, and
compensate for it
34We dont have to wait for marriage to grow up
- Fortifying personal identity
- Becoming an adult in our own eyes
- Doing the things married adults do in terms of
the markers of adulthood - That They May Grow Up in Thee Markers of
Adulthood for Singles, Wendy Ulrich and
Christine S. Packard, Ensign (in press) -
35Markers of adulthood
- 1 - Acquiring an adult sense of mission
- What kinds of challenges or problems interest
you? - What groups or individuals would you like to
serve? - What daily lifestyle appeals to you?
- What strengths and interests are central to your
identity? - If you were guaranteed success, what would you do
with your life?
36Markers of adulthood
- 2 - Establishing personal goals and routines
- Crucial for warding off depression
- Coach and empower
- Praise and encourage
37Markers of adulthood
- 3 - Managing physical self-care
- Nutrition
- Exercise
- Health checkups
- Sleep
38Markers of adulthood
- 4 - Increasing financial independence
- Earning our own income
- Living within our means
- Getting out of debt
- Saving
- Investing
- Planning for the future
39Markers of adulthood
- 5 - Creating a home
- Not living forever on leftovers
- Choosing what we love
- Creating order and
- beauty
- Saving for home
- ownership
40Markers of adulthood
- 6 - Shifting our sense of family
- Creating a circle of mutual care
- Siblings, friends, ward members, neighbors
- Vacations, holidays,
- nights out
- Someone to talk to
- every day
41Markers of adulthood
- 7 - Learning skills of emotional connection
- Making and responding to bids
- Working through conflicts
- Listening
- Sharing ourselves
- Deepening meaningful
- relationships
42Markers of adulthood
- 8 - Building a community
- Wards and neighborhoods
- Accepting callings
- Helping neighbors
- Cities and states
- Voting and being politically active
- Nations and peoples
- Contributing to solving world problems
43Markers of adulthood
- 9 - Supporting the next generation
- Mentoring new people at work, in ward
- Foster care, scouting, volunteering
- Contributing to profession
- Helping new converts
44Markers of adulthood
- 10 - Growing in spiritual responsibility
- Being Dani not Dani the single person
- Friend, meaningful assignment, nurtured in the
good word of God - Temple participation
- Disciples of Christ
- vs. children of God
45- It is often difficult to accept that we not only
can be happy and single, but that it is not a
self-betrayal to do so.
46 that they may grow up in thee, and receive a
fullness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized
according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain
every needful thing - Doctrine and Covenants
10915
47 - We are watchers of a
beacon whose light must never die
48 - We are guardians of an altar midst the silence of
the sky
49 Wendy Ulrich, Ph.D. wulrich_at_rbl.net Sixteen
Stones Center for Growth, LLC sixteenstones.net