Successful Quarreling

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Successful Quarreling

• Conflict Is Inevitable

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Introduction

• A fellow who says he has never had an argument
  with his wife is apt to lie about things too.
• In a partnership, you have to work on things
  together.
• 1 criteria for long-term marital stability and
  happiness is the ability to resolve conflict
  successfully.
• Four factors are precursors to divorce
• Criticism, contempt, defensiveness withdrawal

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General Pointers

• One zinger erases twenty positives.
• Hurtful, harsh and unkind words damage a
  relationship
• When in doubtwait.
• Let three things go Unsaid every day
• Relationships have momentum.
• Snowball effect positive and negative.
• We must learn to recognize when this is
  happening.
• Beware of modern egalitarian marriage.
• Because biblical roles are discarded - no final
• arbitrator of disputes.
• With no established roles, it results in strain

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What Do Most Couples Argue About?

• Six traditional areas of conflict
• Sex
• Children
• Money
• In-laws
• Tremendous trifles
• Something small, but a tremendous source of
  conflict
• If there are other problems these can become a
  battleground
• New Issues
• Who does domestic chores?
• How to spend our precious, limited leisure time

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Happy vs. Unhappy Couples

• Both argue about the same things!
• Happy-argue as if issues are external to
  relationship.
• Unhappy get personal, hit below the belt
• Mudd Hay
• If you treat symptoms, you dont necessarily cure
  disease
• Serious Relationship Problems Are
• Feeling lonely and unloved.
• Feeling you arent understood because you cant
  communicate
• Loss of perspective
• You feel rejected and unworthy.
• Happy - never even think the fateful thoughts
  You dont love me/We ought to divorce

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What Happens During Conflict?

• Three Stages Of Marital Intimacy
• Stage 1 Become intimate/feel close, tell each
  other everything
• Stage 2 Begin having disagreements and enter
  into conflict
• Stage 3 Remain in conflict and cant resolve it.
  (Withdrawal)
• Withdrawal decision is a very serious one
• Become emotionally and spiritually divorced.
• The wall keeps out the bad AND THE GOOD!
• WARNING When the open sharing of feelings stops
  passion dies!
• Romantic love is lost!
• Irony about romantic love "when you have it,
  you think you cant lose it, when
  you lose it you think it cant be
  regained.

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What Happens During Conflict?

• Romantic love can be regained if the parties
  understand what has happened to them.
• TRUST is reestablished over time old feelings
  of intimacy and romance returns!! Follow the
  process and the feelings will follow
• The key to prevent affairs is to commit to full
  disclosure about hard topics. Affairs happen when
  you have secrets between you spouse, windows
  of intimacy with someone else. Deep sharing on
  feeling level w/ someone other than spouse is
  what causes you to "fall in love" with a person.
  When that happens, you are ripe for an-affair.
• If theres nothing important your spouse doesn't
  know about that someone else does, an affair will
  almost never happen. Affairs are usually not
  about sex, but someone having emotional needs met
  by someone outside marriage because theyre not
  being met at home

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