Cracking the Code: Effective Parenting through understanding your child

1
Cracking the Code Effective Parenting through
understanding your childs motivations

• Mary B. Moore, LCSW
• Southeast Psych, Inc.
• southeastpsych.com

2
What is motivation?

• internal state or condition that activates
  behavior and gives it direction
• desire or want that energizes and directs
  goal-oriented behavior
• influence of needs on the intensity and direction
  of behavior.

3
All Behavior is motivated

• Each child (and adult) has a unique pattern of
  forces that motivates him or her.
• What inspires one person, may be totally
  ineffective for another.
• Just as teachers tailor instructional methods to
  meet the academic needs of each student, we as
  parents must also use a variety of motivational
  techniques to guide and bring out the best in our
  children.

4
If there is anything that we wish to change in a
child, we should first examine it and see whether
it is not something that could be better changed
in ourselves.Carl Jung
5
Without motivation, there is NO learning

• Research dictates that the learning process
  begins and is reinforced with motivation

Discipline does not exist without teaching and
LEARNING.
6
The Key Foundation to Effective Parenting is to

• seek to truly understand and parent according to
  your childs
• Unique strengths abilities
• Motivational needs drives

7
The 3 Steps to Effective Parenting

• Step 1 Understand
• Step 2 Plan
• Step 3 Do the 4 Ps
• (Proactive, Practice, Positive Reinforcement,
  Penalty)
• One size does not fit all

8
Step 1 Seek to Understand

• Who is your child? Temperament, personality,
  likes dislikes, special needs/issues
• What is occurring?
• Where is it occurring? Home, school, athletic
  fields, in public, private?
• When is it occurring? Morning, afternoon,
  evening? Certain situations?
• Why is the behavior occurring? What is the
  motivation, function or goal of the behavior?

9
Understanding your child A Closer Look

• Temperament Easy, Slow to Warm, Feisty
• Personality
• Introvert get energy from within (thinking,
  problem-solving)
• Extroverts- get energy from outside (people,
  stimulating environment)
• Special needs/issues
• ADHD
• Anxiety
• Autism Spectrum
• Sensory Processing Issues
• Significant events Trauma, abuse, loss
• Basic needs met? Slept? Ate? Sick? Allergies?

10
Most children share the common need to

• Belong and be accepted (attention)
• Have power and control
• Have freedom and independence (to rebel)
• Have fun

11
What is the function of the problem behavior?
What is my child trying to achieve?

• avoiding something
• getting something
• making something happen
• releasing anxiety or anger

12
Core Needs driving behavior
13
When and Where does your child display the
desirable behavior?

• While engaged in his/her special interest?
• Why?
• Because it fulfills his/her individual needs for
  fun/pleasure, independence, belonging, power, and
  control.
• Because your child feels mastery.

When you can incorporate needs, strengths,
interests, and mastery into a previously opposed
task, chances of successful compliance increase.
14
How analyze the behavior trends using ABC
Antecedent Behavior Consequence
What happened BEFORE? What is the behavior? What happened immediately AFTER?
Environment Intensity Environment change
Setting Duration Said
Mood Frequency People
Time of Day
People
Note You can analyze positive and negative
behaviors with this model.
15
Step 2 Plan

• Identify specific target behaviors (2-3) phrased
  in the positive

Completing Homework
Expressing your feelings appropriately
16
Identifying the Positive Opposite Behavior
(desirable alternative skill)

• Negative Behavior

• Positive Opposite

• Say nice things
• Good tone of voice
• Stand straight, good eye contact
• Expressing feelings appropriately, using calming
  techniques.
• Following directions first time asked
• Complete homework

• Rude or mean talk
• Sarcastic
• Slouching, poor eye contact
• Tantrums, aggression
• Not following directions
• Procrastinating

17
If you keep doing what youve always done, you
will keep getting what youve always got.

• Change in
• Antecedents and Consequences
• Change in Behavior

18
Step 3 Doing the 4 Ps

• Proactive approach
• Practice the new skill (desirable behavior)
• Positive Reinforcement
• Penalty

19
Be Proactive

• Rules Routines
• Give Good Clear Instructions
• Actively Ignore mild behaviors (whining, rude
  noises, pleading, 1st refusals/complaints)
• Contracts, Point Charts, Token Systems provide
  clear behavior expectations and associated
  rewards
• Be a Good Role Model!
• Children learn far more from what is seen
  experienced than what is said to them.

20
Be Proactive

• Change the antecedents according to the childs
  needs
• give advance warnings
• avoid trigger situations
• provide positive attention early
• Feed the need early and often
• Power give choices, responsibility, leadership
• Fun play, humor, turn directions into a game
  Beat the Clock
• Independence encourage self-reliance give
  projects
• Belonging use team approach

21
Marys Point Chart
Getting Up Out in the Morning Bonus Total Points earned
Monday 4 4
Tuesday 3 3
Wednesday 4 4
Thursday 4 1 5
Friday 2 2
TOTAL Points 17
Grab bag 2 points Special activity w/ parent2
points Extra 15 minute bedtime4 points Choosing
family dinner6 points Screen time6 points Going
out for ice cream 8 points New Lip Gloss 16
points
Getting up by 630 am 1 point Dressed
downstairs by 650 am 1 point Brush teeth 1
point At the bus stop by 715 am 1 point
22
Setting Limits A simply stated directive with
associated consequence

• Use a pleasant, matter-of-fact tone
• Be consistent and follow through
• Use Thinking words versus Fighting words

Behavior Fighting Words Thinking Words
Stalling Do your homework or your grounded! You are free to go outside and play as soon as you finish your homework.
Sassiness/demanding Dont talk to me in that tone of voice! Ill listen to you as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.
Tantrum Stop that right now! Would you like to go to your room walking or should I carry you?
23
Practice the new skill

• Whatever the function of the misbehavior, it is
  crucial and most effective to teach them a better
  way to get what they want.
• New coping, problem-solving, conflict-management
  and social skills can be taught, reinforced, and
  measured.

24
Teach a more appropriate way to achieve the goal
Function Problem Behavior New Skill
Power, Control Verbal or Physical Aggression, refusals Calmly expressing feelings and needs, teach compromise negotiation
Escape Verbal or Physical Aggression, tantrums, refusals Asking for help, negotiating more time, compromise, accepting No
Attention Whining, name-calling, rude behavior complaining Politely initiating communication/joining in behavior, asking for attention
Release Anxiety Verbal or Physical Aggression, tantrums Calmly expressing anxious feelings, identifying triggers, 3 deep breaths, engaging in a pleasurable activity asking for help, problem-solving
Retaliation Teasing back, hitting, stealing Appropriately expressing feelings, I-statements, conflict-management
25
Keys to learning a new skill

• Prompt, Practice, Praise!
• Prompt, Practice, Praise!
• Prompt, Practice, Praise!
• Prompt, Practice, Praise!
• (repeat)

26
Positive Reinforcement

• Any behavior that is reinforced, either
  positively or negatively will be repeated
• Research shows that positive reinforcement is
  more effective than punishment (penalty) to
  change behavior
• Positive Reinforcers include
• Praise affirmations
• Thumbs up, hugs, high 5s
• Your time attention (games, activity)
• Privileges (late bedtime, King for the Night)
• Points, tokens, stars, stickers
• Material rewards small toy, money, food treat

27
A word about praise and affirmations

• Praise with description is good

• it is BETTER with an added Affirmation

• Good job taking turns with your brother
• I really liked how you got yourself dressed and
  cleaned for school this morning. Thank you.
• I noticed you walked away to cool off when you
  were getting annoyed with your little sister.
  Nice work .

• You are a thoughtful brother.
• You are very independent/responsible.
• You are really in control.

28
Praise with affirmations

• nurtures a sense of success and mastery
• strengthens positive self-esteem
• fosters intrinsic motivation
• The only long term motivator of human behavior
  is success.
• Mastery fuels Motivation.

29
Penalties Punishment

• Punishment like tangible rewards may result in
  temporary behavior change, but does little to
  foster internal motivation.
• Penalties must be
• Age appropriate
• Fit the crime
• Time-Limited
• Imposed immediately
• Remain calm Do not lecture
• Disapprove of the behavior, not the child.

30
Examples of Penalties Punishments

• Loss of privilege (computer, video, TV Time)
• Loss of a toy or possession
• Early bedtime
• Right the wrong
• Penalty hard chore (cleaning the garage,
  washing all baseboards/window sills)
• Time Out
• Note Loss of special events or commitments is
  not recommended (e.g. Bday party, athletic
  practice or game, music lessons)

31
Parent with a Plan
Target Behavior Proactive Techniques (Before) Practice New Skills (Before After) Positive Reinforcement (Before, During, After) Penalties (After)
Self-calming and anger control Role Model anger management Avoid Anger Triggers Feed the Need for power, control, independence Set limits escalating bx Prompt encourage new skills Calming 3 deep breaths counting to 50 by 5s, walk away Problem solving Positive verbalization of feelings Praise Affirmations for positive skills Rewards (points, privileges ) for behavior Time Out Loss of Privileges Right the wrong
Start completing homework Routine/schedule Feed the Need for fun early Provide incentives Break into smaller steps Set limits Time management Organization Asking for help Verbalization of feelings Praise Affirmation Rewards (points, privileges ) for compliance Natural consequences Loss of privileges
32
Our Parenting Plan
My childs strengths Interests Motivational
drives
Target Behaviors Proactive What will I do differently to set up my child for success? Practice What skills will I role model, teach and encourage? Positive Reinforcement How will I acknowledge reward? Penalties What penalties will I use?



33
Final thoughts.

• A Jedi gains power through understanding and a
  Sith gains understanding through power.
• ChancellorPalpatine (aka Darth Sidious)
• Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith