Conciseness

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Conciseness

• Angela Eaton and Brea Barthel

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Conciseness

• Taken in part from
• Handbook of Technical Writing Fifth Edition
• The Little, Brown Essential Handbook for Writers
  Second Edition

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Conciseness

• The big idea
• Each word used should provide some information,
  or help develop an idea or mood.
• Terseness very few words
• Conciseness detailed information, but no
  unnecessary words

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What causes wordiness?

• Some of the usual suspects
• Needless repetition
• Indirect phrasing (circumlocution)
• Passive voice
• Buried verbs or subjects
• Lack of subordination
• Uninformative phrases

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Needless repetition

• Wordiness often results from repeating the same
  idea in different words.
• The walls were sky-blue in color.
• The walls were sky-blue.

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Circumlocution

• Indirect phrasing adds to wordiness and can
  often be confusing.
• The payment to which a subcontractor is
  entitled should be made promptly so that in the
  event of a subsequent contractual dispute we, as
  general contractors, may not be held in default
  of our contract by virtue of nonpayment.

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However. . .

• Conciseness ? fewest words possible
• Very short statements may have insufficient
  detail, or may seem brusque.
• Example
• Your request isnt clear.
• I need more information before I can answer
  your request. Specifically, can you give me the
  title and the date of the report you are looking
  for?

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Methods of Achieving Conciseness

• Use subordination.
• Use simple words and phrases.
• Eliminate repetition.
• Change from passive to active.
• Eliminate wordy phrases.

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More Methods

• Focus on the subject and the verb.
• Eliminate it is and there is/are.
• Avoid business jargon.
• Use gerunds.
• Use infinitives.

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1) Use subordination.

• Subordination places ideas in a hierarchy by
  showing relation and relative importance.
• Subordination saves space and promotes clarity.

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An example of subordination

• Troubled
• Beta Corporation now employs 500 people. It
  was founded just three years ago.
• Revised
• Beta Corporation, which now employs 500 people,
  was founded just three years ago.
• Or Beta Corporation, which was founded just
  three years ago, now employs 500 people.

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Another example of subordination

• Troubled
• The dam broke, and the town was destroyed.
• Revised
• The town was destroyed when the dam broke.
• Or The dam broke, destroying the town.

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Another example of subordination

• Troubled The city managers report was
  carefully illustrated, and it covered five typed
  pages.
• RevisedThe city managers report, which was
  carefully illustrated, covered five typed pages.
• Even better The city managers five-page
  report was carefully illustrated.

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How to Subordinate

• 1) Choose the most important point.
• 2) Subordinate secondary points by using one of
  the following techniques.

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A) Use subordinate clauses.

• Link secondary ideas to the main sentence with
  markers (conjunctions and relative pronouns).
• time--after, before, since, until, when, while
• place--where, wherever
• reason--as, because, so, since, how, that
• condition--although, if, unless, whether
• additional info--that, which, who, whose

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An example using subordinate clauses

• The blizzard ended. Then helicopters headed
  for the mountaintop. It looked dark and
  forbidding.
• Revised
• As soon as the blizzard ended, helicopters
  headed for the mountaintop, which looked dark and
  forbidding.

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B) Use adjectives and adjective phrases.

• Original
• As soon as the blizzard ended, helicopters
  headed for the mountaintop, which looked dark and
  forbidding.
• Revised
• As soon as the blizzard ended, helicopters
  headed for the dark, forbidding mountaintop.

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Another example of using adjectives

• Original
• The limbs were covered in ice. They
  sparkled in the sunlight. They made a
  breathtaking sight.
• Revised
• The ice-covered limbs sparkling in the sunlight
  made a breathtaking sight.

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C) Use adverbs or adverb phrases.

• Season the chicken livers with garlic. Use a
  lot of it. Fry them in butter. Use very low
  heat.
• Revised
• Heavily season the chicken livers with garlic,
  and slowly fry them in butter over very low
  heat.
• (But wait! Do you need to say slowly fry?)

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2) Use simple words and phrases.

• It is the policy of the company to provide the
  proper equipment to enable each employee to
  conduct the telephonic communication necessary to
  discharge his responsibilities such should not
  be used for personal communications.
• Revised
• Your telephone is provided for
  company business do not use it for personal
  calls.

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3) Eliminate useless repetition.

• Post-installation testing, which is offered to
  all our customers at no further cost to them
  whatsoever, is available with each Line Scan
  System One purchased from our company.
• Revised Free post-installation testing is
  offered with each Line Scan System One.

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4) Change from the passive to active voice.

• Codes are normally used when it is known that
  the records are to be processed by a computer,
  and controls are normally used when it is known
  that the records are designed to be processed at
  a tab installation.
• Revised Use codes when you process the report
  on a computer, and use controls when you process
  them at a tab installation.

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5) Eliminate wordy phrases.

• These phrases are seldom needed
• As you know
• Needless to say
• In view of the fact that
• In view of the foregoing
• In the case of
• It may be said that
• It is interesting to note that

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Tips on Eliminating Phrases

• Change
• in order to
• so as to
• so as to be able to
• with a view to

• To
• to

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Tips on Eliminating Phrases

• Change
• due to the fact that
• for the reason that
• the reason for

• To
• because

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Tips on Eliminating Phrases

• Change
• by means of
• by using
• utilizing
• through the use of

• To
• by
• with

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More elimination tips.

• Change
• at this time
• at this point in time
• at present
• at the present

• To
• now

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6) Focus on the subject and verb.

• Clarify who/what is doing what. Then make the
  actor the subject of the sentence, and the action
  the verb.
• The occurrence of the winter solstice, the
  shortest day of the year, is an event occurring
  about December 22.
• Revised The winter solstice, the shortest day
  of the year, occurs about December 22.

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7) Eliminate it is or there is/are

• Show the real subject in your sentence!
• Original
• There are twenty-five software programs that we
  could use for this project.
• Revised
• We could use one of? 25 software programs for
  this project.

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8) Avoid business jargon (try to sound
conversational)

• Change
• ameliorate
• commence
• enumerate
• finalize
• prioritize
• utilize
• viable option

• To
• improve
• begin
• list
• finish, complete
• rank
• use
• choice

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9) Use gerunds.

• A gerund, the -ing form of the verb, can be used
  as a noun.
• A plant suggestion has been made where they
  would purchase a QWIP machine.
• Revised
• The plant suggests purchasing a QWIP machine.

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10) Use infinitives.

• An infinitive is a form of the verb preceded
  with to.
• Change for the purpose of transmitting reports
• To to transmit reports

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Now you try it

• The payment to which a subcontractor is
  entitled should be made promptly so that in the
  event of a subsequent contractual dispute we, as
  general contractors, may not be held in default
  of our contract by virtue of nonpayment.

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Now you try it

• The payment to which a subcontractor is
  entitled should be made promptly so that in the
  event of a subsequent contractual dispute we, as
  general contractors, may not be held in default
  of our contract by virtue of nonpayment.
• Revised
• Pay subcontractors promptly to eliminate a
  possible charge of nonpayment if a contractual
  dispute arises later.