Developing Close Relationships

1
Developing Close Relationships

• The man who trusts no others doesnt trust
  himself. --Napolean Hill

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Development of a Relationship

• Becoming awareour first impressions are the
  points at which we tend to make judgments about
  whether or not we will pursue a relationship
• Making contactmere exposure to another person
  tends to increase the likelihood of a
  relationship developing
• Disclosureletting the other person know about
  ourselves

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Friendship

• Psychology Today (1979) Qualities of a friend
• Keeps confidence (89)
• Loyalty (88)
• Warmth and Affection (82)
• Supportiveness (75)
• Honesty and frankness (73)
• Sense of humor (72)
• Willingness to make time for me (62)
• Independence (61)
• Good Conversationalist (59)
• Intelligence (58)

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Friendship

• Trust
• How predictable is the individual?
• Can I depend upon her or him?
• Do I have faith in that person?
• Similaritieswe tend to select friends who are
  similar to us in many different aspects such as
  ethnic background, social status, interests,
  income level, occupation, education level, and
  political preferences.

5
Finding Friendship

• If we remember that proximity is a major factor
  in developing attraction, placing ourselves in
  situations and places where we can find other
  people with similar interests and needs will be
  key to finding new friends.

6
Opposites Attract?

• While people who are our opposite are novel and
  sometimes exciting, opposite interests,
  backgrounds, etc. will eventually terminate a
  relationship
• UNLESS, the needs of the other are complementary
  to our needswhere one persons strengths
  compensate for the other persons weaknesses

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Social Exchange Theory

• According to this theory, we tend to measure our
  actions on a cost-benefit basis.
• In relationships, the cost and benefit are
  measured in intangible or tangible
  resourcesintelligence, attractiveness, warmth,
  social status, etc.

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How to Win Friends and Influence People

• Dale Carnegie (1998) outlined six rules for
  winning friends
• Become genuinely interested in people
• Smile
• Remember that a mans name is to him the sweetest
  and most important sound in any language
• Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk
  about themselves
• Talk in terms of the other persons interests
• Make the other person feel important and do it
  sincerely

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Dating and Mating

• Courtshipthe process by which two people decide
  to get together and stay together
• These relationships are so important and we are
  so vulnerable to the effects of rejection and
  abandonment, that we experience many of our
  greatest risks and joys in life through being
  part of a couple. (p. 279)

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Major hurdles

• In our quest for love and intimacy, we face the
  challenges of
• Recognizing what it takes to attract potential
  dates, mates and friends
• Devising a strategy for meeting them

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What do we do to make ourselves attractive

• Flirtingnonverbal courtship signals
• This set of behaviors generally falls upon the
  female and includes initial eye contact,
  gestures, body orientation, primping, play
  behaviors (teasing, mocking, joking, etc.)
• It is generally the males role to interpret and
  respond to the flirting behavior

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Love or Infatuation?

• In its simplest terms, love is when
  satisfaction, security and development of another
  person is as important to you as your own
  satisfaction, security, and development, love
  exists. (Harry Stack Sullivan, 1953)
• If you desire happiness for the other person to
  such an extent that it is important, even if you
  are not able to share in that happiness, this is
  love. (Raymond Short, c. 1981)

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Myths about Love

• True love lasts forever
• Love can conquer all
• Love is a purely positive experience
• When you fall in love, youll know it.
• When love strikes, you have no control over your
  behavior.

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Love is

• Sternberg (1988) developed a theory that love
  consists of three components
• Passionan intense physiological desire for
  another person
• Intimacythe feeling that one can share all ones
  thoughts and actions with another
• Commitmentthe willingness to stay with a person
  through thick and thin, or for better or worse,
  or in sickness or health.

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Triangular Model of Love

• LikingIntimacy alone
• Empty LoveCommitment alone
• InfatuationPassion alone
• Romantic LoveIntimacyPassion
• Companionate LoveIntimacyCommitment
• Fatuous LovePassionCommitment
• Consummate LoveIntimacyPassionCommitment

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Six Types of Love

• Game-playingtreating love like a game or sport
• Possessivewanting to bind the partner to an
  enduring relationship
• Logicaltreating love as a practical, down to
  earth decision
• Altruisticsacrificing for the sake of love
  putting another persons happiness above your own
• Companionateloving, affection, companionate, and
  friendship that develops over time
• Exoticsheer physical excitement and sexual
  pleasure

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Love and Marriage

• Bad Love and Marriage choices (Deangelis, 1993)
• You care more about your partner than s/he does
  about you (and vice versa)
• You are in love with your partners potential
• You are on a rescue mission
• You have partial compatibility
• You choose a partner to be rebellious
• Your partner is unavailable

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Love and Marriage

• Psychology Today (1985) most important reasons
  that marriages last
• My spouse is my best friend
• I like my spouse as a person
• Marriage is a long-term commitment
• Marriage is sacred
• We agree on aims and goals
• My spouse has grown more interesting
• I want the relationship to succeed

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Will it last?

• Happily married couples spend a lot of focused
  time together
• They share many of the same values
• They are highly flexible
• Other factors
• Age at time of marriage
• Socioeconomic class
• Length of courtship
• Family background
• Personality

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Expectations

• As we have explored, expectations are one of the
  key predictors of happiness
• Realistic expectations about roles, marriage,
  career, childrearing, etc. are keys to marital
  success

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Conflict and marriage

• Toxic negative emotions
• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
• Five-to-One Ratio
• Successful communication is the cornerstone of
  any relationship

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How to have a happy relationship

• Learn to Calm down
• Validate Your Partner
• Learn to Speak and Listen Non-Defensively
• Practice, Practice Practice

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Codependence

• When one person has allowed another persons
  behavior (abuse, chemical addiction, etc.) to
  affect him or her, and who is obsessed with
  controlling that persons behavior (Beattie,
  2001)
• Codependency involves a habitual system of
  thinking, feeling and behaving toward ourselves
  or others that can cause us pain.

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Codependence

• We depend on the other for our mood
• We depend on the other for our own worth
• We depend on the other for their love
• We may appear strong but feel weak
• We may appear to be in control but are actually
  being controlled

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Growing Apart

• According to Dr. Phil
• First, do not ever make life-changing decisions
  in the midst of emotional turmoil
• Second, if you are going to quit, you earn the
  right to quit (McGraw, 2000)

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Divorce Predictors

• Your marriage will have a greater chance of
  lasting if
• You marry after age 22
• You grow-up in a stable, two-parent home
• You dated for a long time prior to marriage
• You are well and similarly educated
• You have a stable income from a job you enjoy
• You do not cohabit or become pregnant before
  marriage
• You are religiously committed
• You are of similar age, faith and education

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Divorce Grief

• Divorce, like any other loss, brings with it
  grief
• Losses/changes include
• Loss of emotional support
• Loss/change in social ties
• Loss/change in socioeconomic status
• Loss of hopes and dreams for the future

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Gay Relationships

• The dynamics within a gay relationship are not
  different than those in heterosexual
  relationships
• However, negative social attitudes, prejudice and
  discrimination effect the ways that relationships
  develop and are lived.