Title: GIRL WARS
1GIRL WARS
Susan Dotter, Educational Consultant
2A PERSONAL DISCLAIMER
3WHY?
BRAIN DEVELOPMENT RESEARCH Sex hormones sculpt
our brains as well as our bodies, priming males
and females for different styles of thought
- Newborn girls gaze longer at faces, boys at
mechanical mobiles - Male monkeys favored cars, females favored dolls,
while picture books and a stuffed dog got equal
attention - By age 3 girls are better at identifying the
feelings of fictional characters - Adult women are better at interpreting facial
expressions and tones of voice - THE ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCESimon Baron-Cohen
- TYPE E Women are natural empathizers
- TYPE S Men are better at systemizing
4The Minds of Boys
Boys have more cortical area devoted to
spatial-mechanical functioning and half as much
to verbal-emotive functioning.
Source Gurian, M. Stevens, K. With Boys and
Girls in Mind, Educational Leadership, Nov. 2004.
5The Minds of Girls
A girls brain experiences approximately 15 more
blood flow, which is located in more centers of
the brain, than a boys.
Source Gurian, M. Stevens, K. With Boys and
Girls in Mind, Educational Leadership, Nov. 2004.
6CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS
- girls struggle with who they really are and how
our culture would like them to be - Reviving Ophelia Saving the Selves of Adolescent
Girls Mary Pipher
- CONFLICTING MESSAGES
- Be sexybut dont be sexual
- Be beautifulbeauty is only skin deep
- Boys who have sex are studsgirls who have sex
are sluts
7PERVASIVE THEMES
- Weight
- Fear of rejection
- Need for perfection
- THE MEDIA
- TV
- Magazines
- Movies
8MAKING MATTERS WORSE
- UNCLEAR COMMUNICATION
- Can I do..?
- EMOTIONALITY
- Extremely intense ups and downs
- THINKING
- Low impulse control
- Difficulty considering future
consequences of current decisions - Black and whiteno gray
- Over-generalizationEverybody is
- Over-sensitivePeople are watching/judging me
- EgocentricIts all about me
- If they FEEL itits true
9SO WHAT?
- Unlike males, women typically forge their
identities through relationships with others.
- If I got a bunch of boys together who didnt
know each other and sent them out to play soccer,
they wouldnt think twice about it. Theyd go
out and play, then go off the field and never
think about seeing each other again. Not so with
girls. They need to know who is the leader, who
they might become friends with, whos nice, whos
popular, all of that stuff before they can play
anything. - Anonymous Soccer Coach
- Girl Wars
10WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
- Bullying, harassing, victimizing, meanness
overt, alternative and covert aggression
- Threats and intimidation
- Starting rumors
- Spreading gossip
- Teasing
- Name calling, put-downs
- Manipulation
- Creating or joining cliques
- Deliberate exclusion
Ongoing drama that lasts for days/weeks
So subtle that it is missed by adults
CONTINUUM
11RELATIONAL AGGRESSION (RA)
- A psychological term that signifies the use of
relationships to hurt peers..using the
relationship as a weapon
- Girls are more likely to approve of and use RA,
boys are more likely to approve of and use
physical aggression - Evident in all age groups from preschool through
adulthood - For students in grades 3-6, RA is a stronger
predictor of future social maladjustment than
overt physical aggression - Both victims and initiators of RA have a higher
incidence of serious mental health problems - RA may be as strong a risk factor for future
delinquency, crime and substance abuse as
physical aggression
12CAN LEAD TO PHYSICAL AGGRESSION
- 30 years ago research showed the effects of TV
violence in stimulating aggression were mostly
confined to boys - Age 4 girls are nearly as likely to use
physical aggression as boys (24 versus 27) - Spousal violence rate of physical assault by
women against men against women in couples is
12.4 versus 12.2 men against women for severe
assault it is 4.6 women against men versus 5
for men - US Department of Health and Human Services 7
of female students have been involved in a fight
on school property (versus 18 of male students)
13DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SOCIAL AND PHYSICAL AGRESSION
- Aggressor/s
- Time frame
- Pain
- Involvement
- Environment
- MODEL FOR DEFINING AND CLASSIFYING
14EXCELLENT FRIENDS TERRIBLE ENEMIES
- Girls are more likely to use RA within their
friendship circles while boys tend to aggress
outside their friendship circles
- Girls can better understand how other girls
feelso they know better how to harm them
15Something old
Something new
- Techno-Aggression
- Cyber-Bullying
- E-mail
- IMs
- Web sites
- Chat rooms/ bash boards
- Voting/polling booths
16CYBER-BULLYING
- Access to these media allows a girl to sit in her
room at her computer and wreck another girls
reputation with an entire school in a matter of
minutesa level of damage probably unattainable
through hallway gossiping. - The perceived anonymity of electronic gossip has
also led to severe escalations in the levels of
slander and threats. - Another way in which e-bullying has raised the
level of relational aggression is that it leaves
the victim with no sanctuary.
17SOUND FAMILIAR?
- Queen Bee
- Sidekick
- Banker
- Floater
- Torn Bystander
- Pleaser/Wannabe/Messenger
- Target
Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman
18GIRL WORLD
- Perceived by its inhabitants as a sort of
lifeboat with fewer seats than there are
potential occupants.
- The culture says that, in order for you to
belong, someone else is not going to. - Â For you to belong, youre going to have to
maintain relationships, no matter how people
treat you.Â
19POPULARITY GOOD OR EVIL?
- POPULAR doesnt mean WELL-LIKED
- Boys requirements
- 1 is athletic ability
- Girls requirements
- Looks, clothes, socio-economic statusin that
order
Patricia Adler, Colorado sociologist
20SO..WHATS THE PLAN?
211 SILENCE IS ACCEPTANCE
TWO BASIC TRUTHS
- If educators and other responsible adults dont
call aggression and bullying by their proper
names, perpetrators live above the law and
victims have no recourse.
222Its NOT about teaching kids NOT TO BULLY.
TWO BASIC TRUTHS
It IS about teaching kids TO TREAT EACH OTHER
WITH RESPECT.
23TEACH RESPECT
- Know what it
- Looks like
- Sounds like
- Feels like
RESPECT ZONE
24SET AN EXAMPLE
- MODEL appropriate behavior
25USE PROACTIVE STRATEGIES
- TEACH, PRACTICE, REWARD
- Friendship Skills
- Tolerance
- Empathy
- Communication Skills
- Conflict Resolution
- Kindness
26 PROVIDE INFORMATION
- Bring these aggressive behaviors out into the
opendefine them and call them by name. Educate
community, staff, students and parents.
- Dont accept girl bullying as a nasty
developmental stage - Make sure the girls themselves have the
informationknowledge is power
27USE COMMON LANGUAGE
HARASSMENT ISNT OK, WE NEED YOU TO TREAT OTHERS
WITH RESPECT
EXCLUDING ISNT OK, AT THIS SCHOOL WE TREAT
OTHERS WITH RESPECT
THREATS AND INTIMIDATION ARENT OK TREAT OTHERS
WITH RESPECT
NOT LETTING ANNA ON THE SWING ISNT OK, AT
GRANDMAS ALL KIDS CAN SWING.
28TEACH A STOP SIGNAL
- COVER THE SCENARIOS
- If you RECEIVE disrespect
- STOP, WALK, TALK
- If you see OTHERS RECEIVE DISRESPECT
- STOP, REMOVE THE TARGET,TALK
- If youre TOLD TO STOP
- STOP
DUH
29INTERVENE EARLY
BE AWARE
- Much more difficult to detect than physical
aggression
30WORK THROUGH THE BEHAVIORS
- Focus on the facts
- Focus on the group
- Provide safe places/safe people
- Prevent conflict from becoming physical
31HAVE AN ADULT PRESENT
I feel.. when you and I want.
32WHAT ELSE CAN ADULTS DO?
- Set firm guidelines and communicate high hopes
- Help them recover when they lose their
heads - Stay reasonably calm through the storm
- LISTEN
33OFFER SUPPORT
- Promote positive emotional expression
- Emphasize strengths
- Provide options
- Enlist others
- Mentoring
- STAY CONNECTED
34WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLS?
35HELPING FRIENDS WHO ARE TARGETS
- If a friend becomes the target of RA, think
how much you would appreciate her support if
you were the target
and act accordingly
- Dont participate in the gossiping.Â
- Currying favor with the aggressor may be
tempting. But its wrong. - Deny the lie.Â
- If someone tries to tell you the gossip or lie,
inform them firmly that you know its untrue, and
they shouldnt repeat it to anyone else.
36HELPING FRIENDS WHO ARE TARGETS
- Let her know you are on her side.Â
- Dont be surprised if shes skeptical, at first.Â
She may know about spies and bankers, too. If
she does immediately take you into her
conference, warn her not to trust just anyone who
claims to be on her side.
- Offer to accompany her to adult authorities, or
to go with her to confirm her story to her
parents. - Adults may consider bullying of this sort to be
trivial if they hear about it only from the
victim. If someone is with her to underscore
just how hurtful the attack has been, they may
listen more closely.
37HERES ANOTHER STRATEGY
SEE
SPEAK
HEAR
NO EVIL
38IF YOURE THE TARGET
- If possible, document the attack.Â
- If it was sent via e-mail or I.M., or posted on
the Web or a blog, make copies. Try to trace its
origins. If you have a friend who knows where it
originated, get them to tell you.
- Dont publicly confront your attacker.Â
- Getting a reaction from you is what she wants.Â
Moreover, like physical bullies, the social
aggressor plans her attacks so that you will
probably lose any open confrontation. - Dont retaliate.Â
- Relational bulliesespecially those of the Queen
Bee varietyare highly adept at ingratiating
themselves with adults. Youre likely to end up
accused of being the aggressor.
39IF YOURE THE TARGET
- Make your attacker an unperson.Â
- Stay away. If you encounter her, try not to make
eye contact or just look right through her. As
far as youre concerned, she is now invisible.
- Beware of spies and bankers.Â
- If another girl who is a member of a circle that
also includes the aggressor approaches you
expressing sympathy, dont divulge your feelings
about the attack. She may be a spy for the
attacker, or a bankera girl who collects
gossip and rumors for her own purposes. - Recruit reliable friends.Â
- The attack will end when it runs out of people
who will believe and spread the information. Get
friends you trust to spread the truth about the
claims and refute the lies.
40IF YOURE THE TARGET
- Seek adult input.Â
- It is difficult to maintain your perspective when
you are the victim of gossip or slander. The
counsel of a caring and understanding adult can
do wonders for your morale and self-confidence.
- Face your attacker in private. Â
- Take the audience out of the picture. Be calmly
assertive, not openly aggressive. Tell her you
know of the attack, and know that she can stop
it. Tell her the attack hurt you, and request
that she put a stop to it. Dont expect her to
agree or admit. Watch and see what happens next.
 -  Take the problem to a responsible adult. Â
- If the attack persists, this is your best and
only option. Take the documentation and any
other information that can identify the aggressor
to a trusted teacher, counselor or school
administrator. If the attack didnt occur at
school, discuss the problem with your parents. If
the attack included documented threats, it may be
a matter for the police.
41What To Do When Words Become A Weapon
- Perspective Taking
- Look Beyond the Surface
- Being with Mom
- Seeking Refuge
- Getting Advice from Neutral Others
- Finding Adults You Can Trust
- Mentoring
- Using Other Outlets to Express Feelings
- Starting Support Groups
- Expand Your Circle of Friends
- Maintain Hope for the Future
- Keep a Sense of Values
- Act Toward Others the Way You Want Them to Act
Toward You - Love Yourself for Who You Are
- Ask Others to Stop
- The Little Things
- Walk Away
- Think About What You Say , and to Whom
- Appreciate the Friends You Have
- Popularity Means More in Middle School
- Help Someone Else
- Confront Your Aggressor Calmly
- Speak Up for Yourself
- Monitor Your Own Behavior
- Be a Leader
- Forgive and Forget
- Do What You Love
- Realize That the Way You See Yourself Is Probably
Different from the Way You Really Are - Never Give Up
- Get a Pet
Cheryl Dellasega, PH.D. Clubophelia.com
42I AM
- I am a girl who is judged by others eyes
- I wonder why people cant get along
- I hear cruel laughter everywhere
- I see groups of friends.. but large spaces
in-between - I want my differences to be respected
- I am a girl who is judged by others eyes
- I pretend not to be hurt
- I touch the tears of my closest friends
- I feel like no one cares
- I dont understand why some people are so
critical of others - I dream of my life being another way
- I am a girl who is judged by others eyes
- I always do the wrong thing
- I never say the right words
- I try too much or too little
- I hope someday someone will like me for what I
say, and not care what I look like - I understand why only some people smile
43CULTIVATE CHANGE
- Change the cultureeducate
44SOME OBSERVATIONS
- Remember DEVELOPMENT STAGESespecially
adolescence - Stay objective
- Dont take sides
- Dont take it personally
- Provide the skills
- Keep a sense of humor
- REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT
45EXPERIENCE COUNTS
46RESOURCES/REFERENCES
- Girl Wars 12 Strategies That Will End Female
Bullying, Cheryl Dellasega and Charise Nixon,
Fireside, ISBN 0-7432-4987-9 - Salvaging SisterhoodA Small Group Counseling and
Classroom Curriculum for Relationally Aggressive
Girls, Julia V Taylor, Youthlight, Inc., ISBN
1-59850-000-7 - Mean Girls101½ Creative Strategies and
Activities for Working with Relational
Aggression, Kaye Randall, LISW-CP and Allyson A.
Bowen, LISW-CP, Youthlight, Inc, ISBN
978-1-59850-022-6 - Odd Girl Out The Hidden Culture of Aggression
in Girls, Rachel Simmons, Harcourt Books, ISBN
0-15-100604-0 - Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman, Random
House, ISBN 1-4000-4792-7 -
47RESOURCES/REFERENCES
- Reviving OpheliaSaving the Selves of Adolescent
Girls, Mary Pipher, Ballentine, ISBN
0-345-39282-5 - Girl FightingRejection and Betrayal Among Girls,
Lyn Mikel Brown, New York University Press, ISBN
978-0-8147-9951-2 - See Jane HitWhy Girls Are Growing More Violent
and What We Can do About It, James Garbarino,
Ph.D., Penguin Books, ISBN 978-0-14-303868-9 - Sugar Spice and No Longer NiceHow We Can Stop
Girls Violence, Deborah Prothrow-Stith and
Howard R. Spivak, Josey-Bass, ISBN 0-7870-8691-0 - Aggression, Antisocial Behavior and Violence
among GirlsA Developmental Perspective, Martha
Putallaz and Karen L Bierman, The Guilford Press,
ISBN 1-59385-232-0 -
48RESOURCES/REFERENCES
- Cliques, Phonies, Other Baloney, Trevor Romain,
Free Spirit Publishing, ISBN 1-57542-045-7 - Mean Chicks, Cliques, and Dirty Tricks, Erika V.
Shearin Karres, Adams Media Corporation, ISBN
1580629334 -
- Girls Against GirlsWhy We Are Mean to Each Other
and How We Can Change , Bonnie Burton, Orange
Avenue Publishing, ISBN 13 978-0-97901-736-0