Yours grovellingly,

1
OCCASIONALLY
Richard Huish
The
5
Contact us RHoccasionally_at_hotmail.co.uk
Issue
Dear Readers,
The number 5 means so many different things to so
many different people. To some, it brings
memories of the pop band after whom the number
was named, made infamous by their ill-advised
rebranding as women. To some, it means one
more than four. To many more, it means two more
than four and a little less than a pigeon.
Talking of pigeons, in China the number 5 is so
feared that any woman raising five children is
tied to a panda and stoned to death by Miss
Asia. In the remote tribelands of Western
Germany, it has long been a tradition to cut off
the heads of the poorest citizens on the fifth
day of each month. Fortunately, we at the
Occasionally abandoned such practises in
February, and can greet the printing of Issue 5
with something lying between excitement and a
stubborn commitment to ignoring laws regarding
slander. It is something of a landmark for a
publication which could have been drowned at
birth for being, as Prof. Peter Pied-Piper
Avery so succinctly phrased it, a half-baked,
half-human scrap of worthless fornicating
rat-scraping squalor not fit for the eyes of me
or my eighty gold-encrusted servants. We hope
you enjoy this issue more than our last, pathetic
efforts. A poll conducted in Hark! last month
revealed that racism and Buddhism are in vogue
at the moment, so look out for a lot more of that
in Issue 6.
Yours grovellingly,
The Writers
Going to
UNIVERSITY?
Cardiff Pg 10
Oxford Pg 10
We've reviewed your favourites!
www.koreanfellow.de
The Occasionally is now on the World Wide
Internets for your viewing pleasure. Go to Tom
Rs home page, and click on the RHO link! Do it
now, computer nerd! You know who you are. Rob.
Contributors
Matt D (Editor), Will, Matt L, Seb, Tom R, Rob,
Alex S, Chris, Alex E, Holly, Kate, Dr Mad
Olly, Matt J, Jon, Joe, Tom A and George
2
page two
Letters
Send your letters to
RHoccasionally_at_hotmail.co.uk
Bryony Q, Chard After reading Issue 4 of the RHO
I decided that life is better if you dont live
in Chard. Therefore Im free for adoption now and
want to publicise this in the RHO. Is this
possible? No! Youre disgusting! Go and dig
yourself a hole and live in it!
Alex S, Yeovil Matt D! You are disgusting. I hate
you and want to see the whole magazine, the
writers and especially Matt D prosecuted.
Unfortunately this is not possible as we have
used fake IDs. But we are willing to turn in Matt
D if you send us a nude picture of yourself with
a live animal.
Jean N, Weymouth Matt L, is it true that you once
met the Pope and John Lennon and Elvis Presley
and J F Kennedy and Spiderman and got their
autographs on your bald head but your hair grew
back badly and now you cant show them to
anybody? Is it also true that youre a
lesbian? Matt L was not available for comment.
We can safely assume and publicise, therefore,
that all of the above are true. Also, Matt L
licks mice.
Gavin S, Asia I dont know who it is, but someone
at the otherwise brilliant Occasionally seems
to have something against dolphins. Please tell
me who it is so I can bust their ss. Well,
Gavin, it appears that the jokes on you, because
we ALL hate dolphins! Even fish-loving Will.
SPOT BOBBY!
Whats the most amusing comment a teacher has
ever left on your work? Matt Ds most memorable
is from Gavin Smith, formerly of the English
Department I suggest that this chapter rather
than the next one is used as coursework Id
advize (sic) cutting down the references to child
abuse. Send in your favourites on a postcard to
RHoccasionally_at_hotmail.co.uk
3
page three
a boy's guide to
The effects of Prolonged Life on
PERIODS
HUMANS
By Will Deputy Editor
By Holly
It goes on for about five to seven days. Its
fun I recommend it to everyone
Thirty innocent lives were wasted to discover
something that everyone already knew
Top scientists working in a research facility
south of Switzerland have recently made a
shocking scientific discovery of absolute
shockingness. The scientists have been
researching the effects of prolonged life on
thirty volunteers in secret for the past 60
years. The research has recently come to an
abrupt halt, as a top class scientist who shall
remain nameless for legal reasons will now
explain. 60 years ago a group of scientists
started researching the effects of prolonged life
on the human body they compiled a group of
thirty slaves volunteers and began their
harmless tests. The volunteers were subjected
to the utmost extremes in, well, everything
height, gravity, consumption of chocolate you
name it, they ate it. The research was going
well until a particularly hairy bunch of hippies
invented the concept of human rights. Suddenly,
keeping humans as pets was immoral apparently
its cruel to keep thirty volunteers caged like
animals, conducting scientific experiments on
them against their will. So the scientists did
what any other scientists would do in their
position they lied about it. They assured
protesting hippies that the humans asked to be
tested on and that the hippies should all piss
off and leave them alone. So, the research
continued up until late last year when the
scientists finally came up with the
answer Prolonged life on humans will end in
certain death. Some say that thirty innocent
lives were wasted to discover something that
everyone already knew, and that quite frankly
these scientists should be arrested and
imprisoned. However the scientists in question
then did what any other scientist would do they
pissed off somewhere and had a party!
Boys seem to be terrified of periods. From my
understanding, they are too scared to ask girls
about them (in case we rip their heads off and
drink their blood). So I thought Id set the
record straight. First Ill do the scientific
bit. A period, although made out to be something
to do with the womb lining dropping off and
coming out of you (in a really disgusting,
horrible way), is actually the process of giving
birth to several microscopic robot pigeons, which
then tunnel their way underground to their secret
layer, where they continue in their evil plot to
TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Theres not much to tell
about what actually happens. Blood comes out. You
can tell its going to, because your body kind of
changes. Like you start to hate all men. And
you dont mind killing people for fun. And
theres a horrible, numbing pain that overpowers
your body so you have to fill yourself with drugs
and sit in a corner, gently rocking, with a hot
water bottle pressed against your stomach. Also,
if you want to know the truth, your breasts get
pretty tender and it hurts if people hit them,
which only occurs when you happen to be on your
period, ironically. This goes on for about five
to seven days. Its fun I recommend it to
everyone. So, I did some research, and found the
only thing that guys really want to know iswhy
do girls feel the need to talk about their
periods??? Or write about them for that
matter. And thats my cue to shut up.
4
page four
a girl's guide to
Occasionally
PERIODS
essays
A selection of essays written by members of the
Richard Huish Occasionally will be available to
buy some time before Christmas, in an effort to
become the most popular book of all time. So
watch out, Bible!
By Rob
periods are big and scary and theyre going to
get you
The Period is often thought of as a myth,
something to scare young children yet the horror
of it is very much real. In the 7-volume book by
Bowel, entitled Bowels Definition of The
Period, he states that a period is A large
blue flesh-eating amphibian (that is to say, it
eats blue flesh, rather than it is blue and eats
flesh, as that would just be plain silly) which
is uncommon in this country and more often found
in less developed countries, particularly those
with poorly functioning sewage systems, such as
Kent ... It normally habituates in sewers,
prisons, and somewhat perplexingly in Barbie
Lunchboxes The Period is very very very very
scary, I dont like it one bit. Bowels
definition has been taken as the standard
definition of the Period from the early 1600s BC.
Let us not forget Platos famous philosophical
assertion Annum dec Alora ades which has
traditionally been taken to mean Lest no man of
stout heart feel that he, though he knoweth
nothing else in this world, know this periods
are big and scary and theyre going to get
you. However, I feel it my duty to begrudgingly
disclose that certain critics would coagulate
that no one man has ever captured nor even seen a
period, concordantly not actually proving
existence of said period. As this sort of plunges
this entire article into insignificance, I shall
attack those critics credibility, thus They all
wank badgers.
Nutters
By Will Deputy Editor
What is a nutter? Usually one would class a
nutter as someone who wears solely denim. Its
not that I have a problem with denim, on the
contrary I wear jeans everyday of my life, its a
wonderfully versatile fabric. However there is
a point when dressing where one should look in
the mirror and say, Im wearing too much denim.
You see them walking around town, theyre the
ones who always do those bloody questionnaires,
as the people who run the questionnaires are even
further down the social ladder then they are.
All they wear is denim! Thats it, not just a
pair of jeans - just denim! Denim jacket, denim
shirt, denim jeans, and probably even denim
socks! One time, I actually saw someone wearing a
denim hat! It looks as though you entire body has
been urinated on by a very annoyed smurf, who has
unfortunately all but missed your face. So
there you have it. Next time you see someone
wearing solely denim, karate-kick them in the
face for me, then go urinate on a smurf. Lets see
how they like it!
Hark! Magazines are looking for young and naïve
volunteers to take part in several semi-legal
experiments involving a Norwegian prisoner. To
inquire further, contact us at RHoccasionally_at_hotm
ail.co.uk.
5
page five
TV
The
The
Film
Review
Review
Why the film version of War of the Worlds is shite
Thank God summer is over
By Jon Performing Arts
Correspondent
Alas, summer is over! Days upon days of a
lifeless existence have finally ended my old T.V
schedule of gripping daytime television has been
abandoned as my eyes finally adjust to what these
humans call natural light. My bed sores
gradually heal and my white pasty skin returns to
a fresh pink. I feel that after seven weeks
living strictly on a diet of crisps and antiques
programmes that I can safely say Im glad summer
is over I cant take another soul shattering
episode of Bargain hunt or, god forbid, the
mindless dribble that is called Neighbours - a
program so dull that you actually have to be
asleep to watch it, and whilst watching it you
feel tired. I dont think I could stomach 30
agonising minutes of Trading Up, a program
where hip young couples decide whether or not
to move from their foetid little house to another
house just as bad - but with a water feature.
There were days when I would actually watch
Channel 5. CHANNEL 5! And the worst thing is Id
enjoy it! Id actually salivate at the prospect
of sitting through three hours of Britains
funniest comedy moment, even though I new The
Office would win I knew! Yet still I watched. I
realised what summer was doing to me when I was
sitting down to watch brace yourself 100
greatest ITV programs. I got up out of my body
shaped chair, dragged myself by my salt stained
pasty fingers upstairs to the bathroom, filled
the sink with cold water and drowned myself.
H.G Wells would be turning in his grave to see
this 2005 remake of his classic literary work
War of the Worlds, a story in which earth is
invaded and conquered by fighting machines from
Mars. I must stress my disgust at this American
crap-fest why must Steven Spielberg portray this
to be a story set in America when Wells clearly
states that it was set in Victorian Britain? And
why must it be set in the modern day? The story
suffers greatly because of the superciliousness
of the Yank nation - why is it that Americans
think they did everything? Wells was bloody
BRITISH!!! It is a disgrace to our nation that
such a prolific classic has been perverted by the
vulturous Americans - whose fault is it that they
cannot come up with anything original? As we
progress through the 21st Century it is becoming
more and more apparent that Americans have no
ideas of their own. All we have to do is look at
modern cinema to see that this is true. Sure, we
have been presented with Spiderman and all manner
of American super hero, but am I alone in
thinking that marvel comics is getting very, very
dull? Another thing that annoys me about this
so-called Blockbuster is that the story suffers
from extreme divergence from the original text.
And why, oh why, was Tom Cruise picked to play
the lead role? Everyone should read the book
rather than watch the film. Americans are
destroying or seriously inhibiting the education
of our children. Together, my friends, we must
stop such cinematic atrocities and bring literacy
back to the children of Britain. I say Grab a
gun and follow me to Hollywood! The time to act
is now if we want to preserve the miracle of film
for the next generationLets kill us some yanks!
YEEEHAWWW!
By Will Deputy Editor
SPOILER
Of the week
Will Young is a practicing Homosexual
6
page six
BREAKFAST
Is
SMOKING
good for you?
A British Approach
By Matt D Editor
By Tom R German Director
After the evolution of the British Man (or
human-like organic creature for that matter) in
the early 1950s, breakfasts have become a habit
which Britain never quite recovered from. In fact
their evolution was severely hampered, as the
first thing the British invented was the much
feared Full English Breakfast (FEB). In the
course of this tragic event British Evolution
stopped after 45 minutes (about enough time to
consume a FEB) and it is now widely believed by
many scientists that it indeed is reversing
itself. For decades the British relentlessly
tried to persuade people that indeed this
calamity only arose because of a European
conspiracy which led to the invention of FEB, but
by now it has been revealed by Matt L, a leading
British Food consumer, that the extraordinary
damage was self-inflicted. And indeed if you
look at the contents of an FEB you will see why.
It contains countless slices of fatty bacon,
sausages and the mercilessly slaughtered and in
numerous ways cooked offspring of chicken
(scientifically known as scrambled egg). This
alone should stop you from eating ever again. But
unfortunately the British are quite tough in
accepting inedible food. A leading FEB institute
states this A typical FEB consists of
fried/scrambled eggs and bacon rashers, served
with mushrooms, tomatoes, sausages, kidneys and
fried bread. This list is extendable. After
analysing the chemical implications of such a
meal the EU now has rated the FEB as hazardous,
as it causes severe health conditions. European
Food Advisors (EFA), such as me, are now trying
to convince the suffering British population to
turn away from the lethal FEBs and try healthier
breakfasts instead. This will be a lifelong
mission.
Prof. Suck This Pilate Yes
Professor Blither Pilate first came to national
attention following his outspoken campaign to
have the Archbishop of Canterbury burned at the
stake in his own words, to see if God really
exists. He later gained international
recognition for his controversial experiments on
orphaned disabled black single-mother
chimpanzees, who were later found to be
homosexual. Now, the Occasionally can exclusively
reveal, Pilate is to present to the scientific
community the results of his latest research,
which he promises will just blow your mind. The
basic principle behind his latest attempt to
regain credibility is that cigarettes, or
glo-sticks, are actually beneficial to human
health. Simply, he told us in an unprecedented
interview, my team and I forced small animals
kittens, puppies, tadpoles to smoke cigarettes
every day for the first, and ironically last,
three months and four days of their lives. The
first ones to go were the tadpoles. Our research
department, Dave, thinks that this is because
they need water to live. Were still looking into
that. But humans arent much like tadpoles, so
were not worried. At the end of the day,
puppies and kittens only live for a few weeks
naturally, and the extension to their lives was
obviously a benefit gained from smoking
cigarettes. Its science you wouldnt
understand.
7
page seven
The Best Place in the World, Ever
Extreme Adventure Inc.
By Jon
Performing Arts Correspondent
By Holly
Are you bored of everyday life? Do you want to
get out of the house and just forget about
everything except having fun? Have you ever
thought of trying an adventure holiday? If you
have then read on if not then you are wasting
your time - go and read the Financial Times or
something! Extreme Adventure Inc (based in
Bradford) offers the most invigorating adventure
experiences the world has to offer. We have
connections all over the world and can cater for
your exact needs whatever you want to do we will
sort it out. Over the years we have constructed
many different adventure packages for many
different people and have never had one
dissatisfied customer. OK, we wont pretend that
we have had no fatalities on our holidays but we
will do our utmost to protect you and your
family. In each area we have experts to look
after you and guide you so that you wont succumb
to the potentially lethal danger you may face.
We also offer a range of Assassination
holidays in which you get to hunt your least
favourite celebrity across the globe and then
slaughter them like an animal. This is especially
popular with family groups because they have to
work together as a team to achieve their ultimate
goal. Dont worry if you dont have the equipment
or the training to assassinate somebody, it will
all be provided by us completely free. So if you
are a family who share a mutual hatred of Graham
Norton or any celebrity and would like to see
them die in a painful fashion or inflict as much
suffering on them as possible then this is the
holiday for you! All of our accommodation is half
board and in beautiful settings with immaculate
rooms. When youre in the great outdoors we
believe that you need good accommodation - you
cant be expected to be a ruthless killer on our
Assassination holidays if youre not well fed
and rested!! We must stress however that when you
are abroad you always carry a weapon as
foreigners cannot be trusted so do not talk to
them. I hope that this article has whet your
appetite for mindless killing and if you would
like to learn more about our holidays please
contact the RHO and or the editor and before I
finish I must remind you that if this article is
reported to the Police then you are the one who
will be hunted.
Its probably St Lucias fault that its such a
cesspit
Ive been calling St Lucia the Best Place in the
World for some time now. But, as with every
poverty-stricken, semi-developing, uneducated,
overpopulated, environmentally damaged Paradise
Island, it has some underlying problems. For
example, the poverty, the under-development, the
lack of education, the overpopulation and the
damaged environment. But apart from these minor
defects, its just great. Its probably St
Lucias fault that its such a cesspit. If it had
just stayed part of our empire, it wouldnt have
any problems. Because we could all move out to
the Caribbean and live in mansions by the sea,
with banana plantations (excluding slaves, as
this is now politically incorrect), and all the
St Lucians could come over to Britain and give a
bit more life to the drug trade over here. Like
most Caribbean islands, St Lucia does have a
pretty strong drug culture. But its ok the
dealers loitering around my hotel were friendly.
They were gangsters, or tried to be. I think they
all wanted to be American. Which is horrific.
That, I guess, makes them bad people. Because
America sucks. Actually, I dont think its
Americas fault, its just George Bush. He is a
dick. And if I had the chance, I sure would like
to stamp on his face. In a nice way. The
positives outweigh the negatives, because it is a
Paradise Island the white sand beaches (well,
kind of grey sand, because its a volcanic
island) are lined with palm trees, and its
magnificent mountains crawl with life, covered in
tropical rainforests. The island itself is
completely breathtaking. Theres even the worlds
only walk-in-volcano, like drive-thrus, but
instead of picking up a burger, you get a puddle
of molten rock. In conclusion, St Lucia is
still the Best Place in the World, and all the
poverty and unemployment and gun crime just give
the island some extra spice, which in sorely
needed in a country where a pool of lava is their
idea of a Big Mac with fries.
8
page eight
The
GREAT DEBATE
Do we REALLY need the Royal Family?
If theres one issue that truly separates the
writers of the Richard Huish Occasionally, it is
either Bobby Sweet-Cheeks Davros latest
haircut, the Royal Family or whether or not we
should let Will out of his cage once in a while
to use the lavatory. On the latter matter
(snort), there would be far greater strength of
opinion if Will was conscious. But hes not. One
person who feels strongly that the Royal Family
is an outdated piece of Corporate slosh is Krabs
McBlowy, the Frankish Tyrant pictured here on the
left. He told the Occasionally that he wanted
to kill all the motherfking fk wks in the
whole fking wking blucking country, and he
sounded like he meant it. Here, I argue with Tom
R about this contentious issue.
Dead
By Tom R German Director
NO
YES
By Matt D Editor
It shall be forever unknown why the Royal family
was invented in the first place. In the great
book of Bad ideas, inventions and even worse
ideas it was rated as the 2nd worst invention
ever only to be topped by the creation of
Bridgwater which was probably the worst idea
ever. Shortly after publication though in 1583
the author was arrested and imprisoned and has by
now suffered extensive physical decay.
Unfortunately this led to the fact that he wasnt
available for any interviews and the debate was
forgotten for a long time. Now in the 21st
century, after a copy of this book had been found
in a ditch near Hemel Hempstead modern society
once again starts to wage war against the royal
family. But why? Well there are a few simple
reasons The Royal family is largely responsible
for their own reproduction (64.1 ) - 35.9 of
it was produced by mistake when a Petri dish was
mistaken while cloning famous sheep Dolly in
1996. George C used to be a member of the Royal
family (he was their gardener before the great
Garden crisis in 1995 which killed up to 3,486
plants). Since the entire Royal family is
Scottish they failed to extend their Visas in
2005 causing the Home Office to remove them from
the country by the end of the year. They were
offered a permanent home in Zimbabwe (maybe not
that permanent). After having read this article
the organisation Grumpy Old People decided to
throw 6,932 dentures at every available member of
the Royal family. This led to the widespread
belief that above article is true and not shit
compressed in 250 words and also to a massive
shortage of false teeth.
I first made notes on the Royal Family or this
article when drunk in a brothel in Yeovil. This
is what I had Whatever, Tom, your a fcking
GERMAN and no one gives a. Pressed to improve
upon this essay, I returned to the ever-trusty
Mystic Meg to research my column. My findings may
be considered shocking by some particularly
those who like their news stories to be true and
ethical. Falling into a dark trance after
inhaling mysterious white powder, Meg uttered
many, terribly prophetic words One day, some
idiot possibly a German, possibly named Tom
will suggest abandoning the Royal Family. This
idiot must not be listened to. He is a worshipper
of dark Moon-Gods, not our real god The Queen.
All hail the Queen of England. Megs point is a
valid one should the 81 million millionaires
currently living in Britain ever cease to worship
the Queen, it is an inevitability that they would
start to worship other, pagan gods. The pagan
gods may then take human form as either Muslims,
Hindus or Homosexuals (source evangelical
Bible-basher, Taunton), sweeping the country with
their evil ways. They would turn to the
Freemasons, the Mormons, and the National
Scuba-Diving Institute of America (formerly the
US Nazi Party). Our children would not be safe,
and neither would their gold-encrusted limos. And
what is worth protecting, if our limos are
not? In conclusion, I refuse obstinately to
accept that the Royal Family are paedophiles, and
will continue to refute this accusation until
their pet chimp, Bubbles, submits evidence under
torture to prove matters otherwise.
9
page nine
Busses
By Will Deputy Editor
Poetry!
competition
This doesnt look like a word - Editor
Busses. We all use them, we all love them its
true. You ask any regular bus traveller what they
enjoyed most the first sight of their newborn
child as it enters this world or the 9.20 to
Wellington finally rounding the corner at 10.50.
Most, it saddens me to say, will answer the
latter. You see busses are like fast-food -
everyone tells you that its bad for you and a
waste of the governments money, and there are
healthy safer alternatives but yet you still
secretly do it, and boy do you enjoy it! Ok,
busses arent quite like fast food in the sense
that you cant order them from restaurants, they
dont make you fat and dead, and personally I
wouldnt want a piece of public transport between
two soggy bits of bread and believe me they
dont go well with fries either. So what exactly
is it that attracts us to busses? The drivers?
Unfortunately the answer to that question is a
big, fat, undercooked no. You see its very
difficult to describe the bus drivers Ive seen
without using the words hideous, gelatinous and
Polish. Im in no way stating that these are
undesirable qualities in a human being only that
it is sometimes preferable for a bus driver to
have a simple grasp of the English language. I
found this out when I was slightly late for
college one day I was huddled in a blanket
sitting slightly bewildered in a Polish buss
shelter. Thats Poland NOT Poundland. So, after a
short walk of a few thousand miles I was back
safe and sound! So if its not the drivers that
attract the public to busses, what is
it? Certainly not hygiene! With the busses I
travel on you are considered lucky if by the
end of the journey you havent contracted TB and
you dont have several used syringes sticking out
of your arse. One experience that unfortunately I
wont forget for a few years happened the other
day on a particularly clean bus. All was going
well I had managed to get to my seat without
being stabbed and or eaten, so I sat myself down
with a smug look on my face. And there it is,
looking right at me someone had actually stapled
a condom to the back of a seat! The thing that
shocked me most wasnt the condom itself, which I
pray to God hadnt been used, but the fact that
someone actually took the time to staple a condom
to a seat. Some hilarious young child must have
been sitting at home banging his head against a
wall, when it occurred to him that the best thing
do right now would be to get on a bus and staple
a condom to a seat. So there we go.
Unfortunately I lied to you - people dont love
busses they never have, and as long as there are
condoms stapled to the seats, never will.
You can enter e-mail RHoccasionally_at_hotmail.co.uk
The winner will be revealed Next Week (or
whenever).
10
page ten
University Reviews
OXFORD
CARDIFF
By Matt D Editor
For anyone who ever doubted the courage and
dedication of the staff of the Occasionally,
herein lies a tale of absolute, er, courage and
dedication. It all started when I said to Alex
Wanna go to Cardiff?. Yes, he replied. Will
overheard, and it seemed polite to bring him
along. Our first impression of Wales was a
muffled yelp as our ears popped violently as our
train left the Severn Tunnel. Our first
impression of Cardiff itself was, well, not a
huge amount better. Upon leaving Cardiff Station,
we were confronted with the entertainment of two
dogs killing each other, to the delight of an
audience of three tramps. Things did get
better. It was an eventful trip. We visited a
Love-Spoon shop. We encountered a busking dwarf
singing Delilah too loudly in the High Street.
We abused the generosity of Christians handing
out biscuits in the streets. We somehow found
ourselves in the VIP lounge of the Millennium
Stadium, alongside several World-Class Rally
Championship Drivers. We stormed the gates of
Cardiff Castle. Eventually, we found the
university itself. We joined an open-day
tour-group, but joined another one when we
realised we were walking in the wrong direction.
When we finally reached a building, we were
stopped whilst entering it by armed security
guards. Apparently it was the Welsh Assembly or
something. Eventually we found our way into the
Student Union, where, by following a long trail
of cryptic arrows posted on walls, we arrived at
the beginning of an introductory lecture. And the
lecturer wasnt even Welsh. Heres a point If
you want to read lots of Welsh signs, and laugh
at their word for Lift (lifft), then go to
Cardiff. But dont expect to hear anyone actually
speaking the language. Theyre all English. In
conclusion, Cardiff is probably the best place in
the world for an adventure. We even lost Will in
a local game of Knife-Ring. But the important
thing is that Cardiff University is just plain
better than anywhere else.
Well. What can I say? I mean, come
on. OXFORD. THE Oxford. Its shit. Go to
Cardiff.
A full account of the Cardiff Adventure by Matt
D, Will and Alex E will be included in the
Occasionally Essays, which will be available at
Christmas-time.
11
page eleven
Our resident philosophical novelist, Mr S
Ritchie, 88, was asked recently by journalists to
shed some light on the internal procedures at the
Richard Huish Occasionally. We would like to take
this opportunity to denounce every aspect of what
he is quoted as saying, and stress that we never
tied up that dolphin and have never incited or
encouraged any group of teenagers or otherwise to
hang a sign saying Lik my hole, Jessis above
the alter of St James Church, Taunton, whilst a
wedding was in progress. We have other, more
appropriate ways of advertising our love of the
Communist Party of East Congo. We would
appreciate it if Mr Ritchie could be remembered,
now that he has met his untimely and suspicious
end, not for these damning accusations, but for
his love of cricket and pizza and young men. His
last words were recorded on Secret Police Tape at
the Offices of the Richard Huish Occasionally
(situated in North Korea), and were as follows
Hey guys, what do you need me to come in this
cupboard for? Want me to talk about twins? What
the fcks up with twins, anyway? I mean, arent
they just fcking weird? When you think about it,
I mean. Whatre you holding there, George? Whys
it hissing and rattling like that? muffled
screaming. If you adore the Occasionally as
much as other person who reads it, then just wait
until you see the Occasionally Essays, a
collection of essays written by Occasionally
writers. It will blow your tiny mind. But it
wont be out until Christmas, so start saving. We
had to sell our collective virginity to cover
publishing costs, so we need to sell at least two
copies of the book. Peace out.
Yours blasphemously, The Richard
Huish Occasionally
"we just don't know when or if we're going to
make the next issue"
- Will (Deputy Editor)
Coming up in
Issue 6
Will designs a time machine, or watch! Alex S
spends 40 days and 40 nights in a freezer! Kate
reveals her passion for celebrity-assassination! C
hris talks in Mandarin! Holly goes Rogue Trader
to take down Oxfam! Matt L gets a life. Im
kidding!
Rob eats a selection of rare and endangered
gorillas! George attempts to break the speed
record for falling from a building against his
will! Matt J finally writes an article. Im
kidding! Miriam thinks shes falling in love with
a handsome Frenchman what she doesnt know is,
were going to execute her!