Habit%205

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Habit 5

• Seek First to Understand,
• Then to Be Understood

2
Listen First, Talk Second

• Why is this the key to communication?
• It is a deep need of people to be understood.
• You can learn this simple habit-to see things
  from anothers point of view before sharing your
  own- a whole new world of understanding will be
  opened up to you.

3
Five Poor Listening Skills

• Spacing Out
• Pretend Listening
• Selective Listening
• Word Listening
• Self-centered Listening

4
Spacing out

• Your mind is in another place and you are caught
  up in your own thoughts

5
Pretend listening

• This is more common
• You make agreeing comments like, yeah, uh-huh
• The speaker usually figures it out quickly and
  feels that they are not important enough o be
  listened to

6
Selective Listening

• You only listen to the part of the conversation
  that interests you
• A key word will catch your interest and then you
  may change the conversation to something you want
  to talk about with that word in it.

7
Word Listening

• We actually pay attention, but only listen to the
  words and not the body language or the emotions
  that are behind the words.
• You dont seem to be on the same page as the
  speaker

8
Self-centered Listening

• We listen from our own point of view. Instead of
  listening in the other peoples shoes, we want
  them in our shoes
• Often say things like I know exactly how you
  feel
• Or You think that your day was bad, you should
  hear about my day

9
Judging

• We judge the other persons words and dont
  really listen to what they are saying
• Look in book on page 169

10
Advising

• When someone just wants another to just listen
  and the listener starts offering what they have
  done or would do in the same situation
• Once the speaker is understood then they would be
  more open to advice

11
Probing

• Interrogations dont often get you the answers
  you really want
• Sometimes people arent ready to share their
  feelings

12
Genuine Listening

• Three ways to be a genuine listener
• First, listen with your eyes, heart, and ears
• Second, stand in their shoes
• Third, practice mirroring

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Habit 5- Genuine Listening

• This will lead to real communication
• We need to practice this

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First, Listen with your eyes, heart and ears

• Only 7 of communication is contained in the
  words we use
• 53 of communication comes from body language
• 40 comes from the tone or feeling in our voice

• I didnt say you had an attitude problem
• I didnt say you had an attitude problem
• I didnt say you had an attitude problem

15
Stand in their shoes

• Until you walk in another mans moccasins you
  cant imagine the smell Robert Byrne
• If one person has on green lenses and another has
  red lenses in their glasses, they will see things
  differently, so listening to their perspective is
  important (have different paradigms)
• Conversations are not competitions

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Practice Mirroring

• Think like a mirror
• Mirroring is repeating back in your own words
  what you understand the other person to be saying
• Mirroring is not
• Judging
• Giving advice
• Mimicking

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Mirroring Phrases

• As I get it, you felt that
• So, as I see it
• I can see that youre feeling
• You feel that
• So, what youre saying is
• Mirroring is used during important or sensitive
  conversations or if you are having communication
  problems with someone

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Communicating with parents

• Take time to understand your parents- they have
  pressures and bad days too just like you.
• You can better understand them by asking them
  questions
• How was your day today?
• What do you like/dislike about your job?
• Is there anything I can do to help around the
  house?

19
Parents

• What would my parents consider a deposit?
• Jump in their shoes and think about it from their
  point of view
• Doing dishes
• Taking out the garbage
• Get home on time

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Then Seek to be Understood

• The number one fear that I read about was a fear
  of public speaking
• It takes courage to Understand someone then to
  speak up and be understood
• You dont want to be the doormat, so express your
  opinion in an appropriate manner
• Unexpressed feelings get buried and come alive
  later inugly ways

21
Give feedback

• Tell someone their fly is down
• Tell someone they have something in their teeth
• Make sure the feedback is with their best
  interest at heart and you are not trying to fix
  them

22
Send I Messages

• Say Im concerned that you have a temper
  problem
• I feel you that youve been acting selfishly
• Dont send You messages- they are more
  threatening
• You are so self-centered
• You have a terrible temper