Bad revision paragraph

1
Bad revision paragraph

• I changed a couple of words in my essay. I left
  the details the same because they were good. I
  was happy with my work.

2
Good revision paragraph

• I felt the majority of my details were strong,
  especially in the first body paragraph when I
  described the fish as a whale of a beast, with
  scales at least five inches wide and eyes larger
  than gleaming silver party platters. Also, in
  the final body paragraph, I felt I did a nice job
  describing the cleaning of the monstrous fish
  With one cut of the knife I found myself
  swimming in warm, reeking intestines. One
  problem I had in the rough draft was my
  introduction. My opening line used to read,
  Fishing is a nice way to spend a Saturday. My
  peer editor felt this was a bit boring, so now
  the sentence reads, A quiet lake, its water
  still as glass, with only my boat floating in the
  center forms the picture of a perfect Saturday.
  I had several problems with word usage, such as
  mixing up our and are, or using the wrong form of
  their, and I made sure that these were all
  corrected in the final copy.