Title: Chapter 7 Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships
1Chapter 7Love and Communication in Intimate
Relationships
2What Is Love?
- Difficult to define and/or measure
- Special attitude with behavioral and emotional
components - Different things to different people
- Difficult to measure
3Types of Love
- Passionate Love
- Also known as romantic love or infatuation
- Intense psychological feelings
- Generalized physiological arousal
- Strong sexual desire
- Avoid conflict
- Feelings of completeness
- Short-lived
4Types of Love
- Companionate Love
- Less intense than passionate love
- Friendly affection and deep attachment
- Familiarity and tolerance for short-comings
- More enduring than passionate love
5Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love
- Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment are the three
love components - Passion builds then fades
- Intimacy and commitment continue to build
- Variations in components yield different kinds of
love - Intimacy alone friendship
- Passion alone infatuation
- Commitment alone empty love
6Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love
7Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love
8Lees Styles of Loving
- Romantic (eros)
- Game-playing (ludus)
- Possessive (mania)
- Compassionate (storge)
- Altruistic (agape)
- Pragmatic (pragma)
- Hypothesis that relationship success is
influenced by compatibility in styles of loving
9Falling in Love
- The chemistry of love
- Neurotransmitters
- Norepinephrine
- Dopamine
- Phenylethylamine (PEA)
- Oxytocin
- Endorphins
- Loss of romantic love and neurotransmitter
withdrawal
10Falling in Love Proximity
- Proximity
- Mere exposure effect
- Familiarity breeds liking or loving
- Greater proximity often reflects shared interests
11Falling in Love Similarity
- Similarity
- Level of physical attractiveness
- Age, educational status, and religion
- Race and ethnicity
- Why Similarity?
- Share similar interests and activities
- Communicate better
- Confirm own views and experiences
- Supportive of values and beliefs
12Role of Similarity in Relationships
13Falling in LoveReciprocity
- Reciprocity
- When someone shows they like us, we tend to like
them back - Increases in self-esteem
- Increases likelihood of relationship enduring
14Falling in Love Physical Attractiveness
- Physical Attractiveness
- Belief that whats beautiful is good
- Offer status by association
- Most important in early stages
- May be an indicator of physical health
- Heterosexual males place greater emphasis on
physical attractiveness
15Attachment
- Attachment Intense emotional tie between two
individuals - Adult attachments are influenced by our
attachment to caregiver in infancy - Attachment Style (Ainsworth)
- Secure attachment
- Insecure attachment
- Anxious-ambivalent attachment
- Avoidant attachment
16Attachment
- Attachment styles in adulthood
- Paired couples often are similar in their
attachment styles - Attachment style affects interaction in
relationship
17Attachment Styles and Relationships
18Issues in Loving Relationships
- Relationship between love and sex
- Relationship between the two is not always clear
- Consider hook-ups and friends with benefits
- Questions to ask
- Does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship?
- Do men and women have different views of sex and
love?
19Sexual Orientation Attitudes About Love and Sex
- Stereotype same-sex relationships as primarily
sexual - Generally seek loving, trusting, and caring
relationships that embrace many dimensions of
sharing - Sex differences among lesbians and gay men are
consistent with general sex difference in
attitudes toward love and sex - Gay men are more likely than lesbians to separate
love from sex - Lesbians more likely to postpone sex until
intimacy has been established
20Jealousy in Relationships
- Jealousy-prone person
- Low self-esteem
- High value on wealth and popularity
- Negative consequences
- Precipitates partner violence
- Stifles relationship development
- Raises anxiety, depression, and anger
- Sex differences
- Women more likely to acknowledge feelings of
jealousy - Men tend to focus more on sexual involvement with
another
21Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
- Ingredients in a lasting love relationship
- Self-acceptance
- Appreciation of each others qualities
- Commitment
- Good communication, realistic expectations, and
shared interests - Ability to face and deal with conflict
22Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
- Characteristics of high quality relationships
- Supportive communication
- Companionship
- Sexual expression and variety
- Seeing partner as best friend
- Maintaining frequent positive interaction
23Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
- Sexual Variety
- Communication is critical
- Be spontaneous
- Plan for intimate time
- Dont worry about frequency standards
24Communication Patterns in Relationships
- Gottmans constructive communication tactics
- Leveling and editing
- Validating
- Volatile dialogue
- Gottmans destructive communication tactics
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Belligerence
25Discovering Partners Needs
- Ask questions
- Yes/No questions
- Open-ended questions
- Either/Or questions
- Self-disclosure
- Discuss sexual preferences
- Give permission
- Learn to make requests
26Taking Responsibility
- Make requests specific
- Use I language
- Expressing and receiving complaints
- Choose right time and place
- Temper complaints with praise
- Avoid why questions
- Limit to one complaint per discussion
- Ask clarifying questions
- Express your feelings
- Focus on future changes
27Talking Getting Started
- Reading and discussing
- Sharing sexual histories
- Listening and feedback
- Active listening
- Providing feedback
- Maintaining eye contact
- Support communication efforts
28Saying No
- Three step approach
- Show appreciation for invitation
- Say no in a clear, unequivocal fashion
- Offer alternatives
29Non-Verbal Sexual Communication
- Facial expressions
- Interpersonal distance
- Touching
- Sounds