Communication,%20Power,%20and%20Conflict

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Chapter 7

• Communication, Power, and Conflict

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Student to read to class

• examines communication chapter skills and seven
  patterns, developing marriage, nonverbal and
  self-disclosure resolving conflict it intimate
  communication also power communication on focuses
  role the of and relationships, within of
  conflicts and of them types ways

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• Was the message sent? Was the message received?
  Was the message understood?

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Student to read to class

• Chapter seven examines communication patterns and
  marriage, nonverbal communication, developing
  communication skills and self-disclosure. It also
  focuses on the role of power and conflict within
  intimate relationships, types of conflicts and
  ways of resolving them.

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• Was the message sent? Was the message received?
  Was the message understood?

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Communication
DEFINITION Communication is a two part
process used to exchange information. First the
message must be sent. then received and
understood.
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Communication is a complex skill which seems
deceptively easy.

• Wondering, assuming and guessing what others feel
  or think, makes disaster.
• In order to have meaningful relationships (dates,
  friends, family, employment) it is essential to
  have effective communication.

Your thoughts about this statement It is
impossible not to communicate.
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Verbal expresses the basic content of the
message.Nonverbal expresses the relationship
part of the message.
Communication
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Functions of Nonverbal communication

1. Convey interpersonal attitudes.
2. Express emotions.
3. Handle the ongoing interaction.
4. For communication to be clear, verbal and
   nonverbal messages must agree.

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The importance of Nonverbal Communication

• John Gottmans five horsemen of the apocalypse
• 1. contempt
• 2. criticism
• 3. defensiveness
• 4. stonewalling or avoiding
• 5. belligerence
• All can be warning signs of serious risk of
  eventual divorce.
• Your thoughts How can the above be expressed
  nonverbally?

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Nonverbal Communication

• Proximity, eye contact, and touch are important
  forms of nonverbal communication.

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Gender Differences in Communication

• Women
• Smile more.
• Are more emotional.
• Claim less space.
• Have more eye contact.
• Use more qualifiers (dont you think?),
  intensifiers (awfully).

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Gender Differences in Communication

• Women
• Wives send clearer messages to husbands, are
  more sensitive responsive, husbands may not
  reply at all or withdraw. Usually wives want
  change husbands withdraw with the most to gain
  by doing so.
• Wives set the emotional tone in a family.

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Gender Differences in Communication

• Men
• Disclose less personal information.
• Safer topics like sports or work.
• More profanity harsh words.
• More dominating of conversation.
• Traditional roles inhibit expressing feelings.

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Cohabitation and Communication

• Reasons why cohabitation leads to poorer marital
  communication
• Backgrounds predispose to poorer communication
  abilities
• More accepting of divorce and less committed to
  marriage
• Association with factors such as alcohol use,
  infidelity and lower marital satisfaction.

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Communication Marital Satisfaction

• Your thoughts
• How well a couple communicates before marriage
  can predict later marital satisfaction.
• Self-disclosure prior to marriage is related to
  relationship satisfaction later.
• Whether a couples premarital interactions are
  negative or positive can predict later marital
  satisfaction.
• What is the honeymoon effect?
• What is the demand-withdraw-communication?

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Happily Married Couples

• Are willing to engage in conflict in
  nondestructive ways.
• Have less frequent conflict and spend less time
  in conflict.
• Disclose private feelings to partners.
• Express equal levels of affection.
• Spend more time together.
• Accurately encode and decode messages.

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Effective communication is a skill.
Effective conflict resolution is a skill.
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A look at Problems

• Some topics are more difficult to talk about.
• Childrearing issues
• Finances
• Lack of listening
• Household tasks
• Not showing sufficient appreciation

Interesting enough it isnt the topic, but skill
that counts.
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Miscommunication

• Interrupting breaking into the conversation,
  not giving the other a chance to finish.
• Endless fighting bring up things from the past
  never resolving things.
• Character assassination name calling,
  belittling, insulting remarks.
• Calling in reinforcements involve outsiders to
  support you.
• Withdrawal leave, indifference, silent
  treatment.
• Need to be right refusal to admit their part in
  the problem.

Act out skit 7.3 and point out all the roadblocks
they use.
Activity
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Feelings and Lack of Effective Communication

• Traditional Male gender role work again the idea
  of expressing feelings. Men talk about things.
• Strong feelings of inadequacy
• Ashamed or guilty about their feelings
• Feel vulnerable
• Frightened of their feelings
• Fearful that their feelings and desires will
  create conflict
• We must first know how we feel.

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Communication and Feelings

• Suppress unacceptable feelings such as hurt,
  anger, or jealousy which leads to unconscious
  experience. We deny. We project.
• We stay closed and dont self-disclose or share.
• We dont exercise tact.
• We dont trust.

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Constructive Feedback

• Focuses on
• I statements.
• behavior rather than the person.
• observations rather than judgments.
• the observed incidence of behavior.
• sharing ideas rather than giving advice.
• its value to the recipient.
• the amount the recipient can process.
• an appropriate time and place.

You message handout
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POWER

• The ability to influence another person or group.
• Traditionally, legal as well as de facto power
  rested in the hands of the husband.
• Recently, wives have been gaining more actual
  power in relationships, although the power
  distribution still remains unequal.

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Power and Intimacy

• Power imbalances and the blatant use of power
  creates a negative effect on intimacy.
• Genuine intimacy appears to require equality in
  power relationships.
• Decision making in the happiest marriages is
  based on caring, mutuality and respect for each
  other, not in coercion or tit for tat.
• Women have considerable power in marriage
  although they often feel that they have less than
  they actually do.

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Power versus Intimacy

• To the extent that power is the prevailing force
  in the relationshipwhether between husband and
  wife or parent and child, between friends or
  between colleaguesto that extent love is
  diminished.

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Questions?

• What is the relative love and need theory?
• What is the principle of least interest?
• What is the Resource Theory of Power?

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Intimacy Conflict
The more intimate two people become, the more
likely they may be to experience conflict. It is
not conflict that is dangerous, but the manner in
which conflict is handled.
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Anger

• Differences anger fights tension division
  distrust fear
• Ways to handle anger
• Suppress resentment
• Venting destroys intimacy and distance occurs
• Violence destruction
• Symptom that something needs to be changed
  finding its source and eliminating the problem

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General Gender Differences

• Women
• Initiate discussions of contested relationship
  issues
• Pursue conversation or conflict
• More aware of emotional quality of and the events
  that occur in the relationship
• Emotionally expressive

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General Gender Differences

• Men
• Do not generally initiate relationship issues
• Tend to withdraw from negative marital
  interactions
• Take on instrumental role of problem-solving

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Importance of Topic

• When it matters most
• That person will demand and the other person will
  withdraw.
• This happens in both men and women.

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Communication patterns of happily married couples

• Summarizing
• Paraphrasing
• Validating
• Clarifying

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Communication Patterns of Unhappily Married
Couples

• Confrontation
• Confrontation and defensiveness
• Complaining and defensiveness
• More negative and fewer positive statements.
• Hostile conflict, difficult to change

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Conflict Resolutions Skills

• Learned by our family of origin either for better
  or worse
• Attachment style will influence the way conflict
  is expressed in relationships
• Secure self-confident and socially confident,
  others as trustworthy and dependable, want to
  maintain relationship
• Insecure (ambiguous or avoidant) more demanding
  of support and attention, more dependent on
  others for self-validation and more
  self-deprecating and emotionally hypersensitive,
  dont want to compromise, but will give in.

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Conflict Management

• Independent dimensions of behavior
• Assertiveness which refers to attempts to satisfy
  our own concerns
• Cooperativeness which refers to attempts to
  satisfy concerns of others.

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Five Conflict Management Styles

• 1.Competing assertive and uncooperative. I win.
  You lose.
• 2.Collaborating assertive and cooperative. Both
  totally win. Collaborative conflict management
  requires relationships that are relatively equal
  in power and high in trust.

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Five Conflict Management Styles

• 3.Compromising intermediate position in terms of
  both assertive and cooperativeness. We both win
  a little.
• 4.Avoiding Unassertive and uncooperative
  withdrawal and refuse to take a position in
  disagreements. I lose. You win a little.
• 5.Accommodating This style is unassertive and
  cooperative. One person attempts to soothe the
  other person and restore harmony. I lose. You win.

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Five Styles of Conflict Management
Five styles Competing Collaborating Compromising
Avoiding Accommodating

• Which offers the highest level of marital
  satisfaction for males and females?
• Which comes in second for satisfaction?
• Which produces lowest marital satisfaction?
• What happens in a competitive relationship?
• What happens in a nonassertive relationship?

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Common Conflict Areas

• Communication
• Children
• Sex
• Money
• Personality differences
• How to spend leisure time
• In-laws
• Infidelity
• housekeeping

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Children and Parent Conflict

• Children react to parental conflict in a variety
  of ways, depending on how the parents handle
  themselves.
• Children can be hurt by constant arguments and
  witnessing violence.
• Healthy conflict management is very beneficial
  for children to witness.

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Resolving Conflicts

• Common poor techniques
• Coercion (threats, blame, and sarcasm)
• Manipulation (attempting to make your partner
  feel guilty or emotionally hurt when you dont
  get your way)
• Avoidance

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Resolving Conflicts

• Common positive techniques
• Support (active listening, compromise, or
  agreement
• Assertion (clearly stating your position and
  keeping the conversation on topic
• Reason (use of rational argument and the
  consideration of alternatives
• Negotiation (working toward a mutually acceptable
  agreement)

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Conflicts and Negotiation

• Agreement as a gift different from giving in,
  because then you do something you dont want to
  do. Shows love, given freely without resentment.
  Tends to lead to reciprocation.
• Bargaining process of making compromises, both
  strive for the most equitable deal for each other
• Coexistence when differences simply cant be
  resolved, you live with them.

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Forgiveness

• Attitude of good will toward someone who has done
  us harm
• Showing compassion and forgoing resentment
• Long term physical and mental health benefits for
  the person forgiving
• Is a crucial element of married life.

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Forgiveness

• Helps to restore trust and relationship harmony
  after a transgression
• Shown to resolve existing difficulties and
  prevent future ones.
• Is associated with
• enhanced self-esteem
• positive feelings toward the transgressor
• reduced levels of negative emotions such as
  anger, grief, revenge and depression

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Forgiving People are

• More accommodating within their relationships.
• More securely attached.
• Positive models of self and others.
• More likely to be forgiving toward partners.

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If we fail to communicate we are likely to turn
our relationships into empty facades with each
person acting a role rather than revealing his or
her deepest self.
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• If we have learned how not to communicate
  effectively, we can learn how to communicate.
• Communication will allow us to maintain and
  expand ourselves and our relationships.