The Practice

1

• The Practice
• of
• Interpersonal Forgiveness
• in the
• Personal and Professional
• Lives of Clergy
• Dr. Preston VanLoon

2

• Without forgiveness there is no future When
  something is unforgiven, it has physical
  consequences for us. Unforgiven tension,
  unforgiven sin, actually has a deleterious impact
  on the person.
• Desmond Tutu in Exploring Forgiveness

3

• If you cannot free people from their wrongs and
  see them as the needy people they are, then you
  enslave yourself to your own painful past. By
  fastening yourself to the past, you let your hate
  become your future.
• Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget

4

• "Most people think that granting forgiveness is
  simply a blank check to allow the offender back
  into their lives simply to trample on their heart
  again. Nothing could be further from the truth."
• Doug Schmidt, The Prayer of Revenge

5

• There is a time to tear and a time to mend.
• Ecclesiastes

6

• Forgiving does not require denying we have been
  hurt. On the contrary, to forgive we have to
  admit that we have been hurt and that we have a
  right to feel hurt, angry, or resentful.
• Robert Enright, Forgiveness is a Choice

7

• Who hurt you?
• ____Child
• ____Spouse
• ____Relative
• ____Same gender friend
• ____Opposite gender friend
• ____Employer
• ____Other ___________

8

• Is the person still living? ___ Yes ___ No
• How long ago event happen?
• ____ days/weeks/months/years ago.
• Briefly describe what happened when you were
  hurt

9

• Forgiveness Research
• Clergy (VanLoon, 1997)
• Parentally love deprived college students
  (Al-Mubuk,1990)
• Incest survivors (Freedman, 1993)
• The elderly (Hebl Enright, 1991)
• Adolescents (Enright, Santos, Al-Mubuk, 1989)
• Families (Flanigan, 1987)
• Physicians/unsuccessful treatment (Gerber, 1987)

10

• Forgiveness is a complex subject that has been
  widely discussed in the fields of
• Theology
• Psychology/Counseling
• Moral Philosophy

11

• Despite embracing forgiveness as part of their
  belief structure, many clergy struggle with
  interpersonal hurt and conflict with
• Members of their congregations
• Their families
• Employers
• Community members
• Others

12

• The hurt clergy experience results in emotional,
  physical, and spiritual problems including
• Personal Stress
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Loss of Energy
• Irritability
• Marital and Family Problems
• Low Self Esteem
• Self Doubt regarding their role
• Anger

13

• Clergy struggle with interpersonal forgiveness
  for a variety of reasons including
• The expectation to be self-sufficient
• and the need to work things out by
• self.
• The attitude that clergy are to be
• care-givers or helpers.

14

• Reasons why Clergy Struggle with
• Interpersonal Forgiveness (continued)
• The traditional emphasis of vertical
• forgiveness.
• Lack of a clear understanding of
• interpersonal forgiveness.
• Difficulty dealing with their own
• interpersonal pain.

15

• In a research study of 5000 Christians on
  character, forgiveness is the area where
  Christians have the most difficulty.
• (Zigarelli, 2002)

16

• How clergy deal with interpersonal hurt and
  forgiveness issues in their own lives affects
  their effectiveness in helping others with
  similar hurt and pain.

17

• As clergy become more effective practicing
  interpersonal forgiveness they also develop
  greater
• Ability to recognize and manage their own hurt.
• Empathy and acceptance of others.
• Understanding of their own pasts.
• Effectiveness in facilitating interpersonal
  forgiveness with others.
• Integration of psychology and theology in their
  own lives.

18

• Clergy Research Study
• Randomized two group study (34 participants from
  11 different denominations)
• Experimental Group (n 17)
• Avg. Age 48 years
• Avg. Years Experience in Ministry 17 years
• Intervention Forgiveness Education Training
• Control Group (n 17)
• Avg. Age 51 years
• Avg. Years Experience in Ministry 15 years
• Intervention Human Relations Training

19

• Assessments
• Psychological Forgiveness Profile
• Willingness to Forgive Measure
• Anger Scale
• Anxiety Scale
• Hope Scale
• Self Esteem Scale
• Each measure was administered on six different
  occasions over the six week course during the
  experiment.

20

• Forgiveness Study Results
• The experimental group experienced a change in
  their thinking toward forgiveness and increase in
  their willingness to forgive their offenders
  compared to the control group.
• The experimental group also increased in their
  willingness to use forgiveness with others who
  had interpersonal hurt.

21

• Other research findings
• Participants with higher self-esteem were more
  willing to forgive than those with lower self
  esteem.
• Therapeutic Interventions help in the reduction
  of anxiety.

22

• Other research findings continued
• Forgiveness interventions help to release anger
  that has been internalized.
• Interpersonal forgiveness results in greater hope
  and new meaning or purpose in life.

23

• What is Interpersonal Forgiveness?
• Common Myths and Misconceptions (Enright)
• Forgiveness means forgetting the offense never
  happened and going back the way things were
  before.
• Forgiveness is a sign of weakness and
  vulnerability.
• Forgiveness doesnt make things fair to others or
  ourselves.

24

• Myths and Misconceptions continued
• Forgiveness is only needed for those we care for,
  can see, or those who want to be forgiven.
• Forgiveness happens quickly and easily.
• Forgiveness is our duty and responsibility as
  human beings.
• Forgiveness means putting up with or excusing
  inappropriate behavior.

25

• What Interpersonal Forgiveness is Not
• Pardon
• Reconciliation
• Condoning and/or Excusing
• Justification
• Self-centeredness
• Allowing emotions to diminish over
• time

26

• Forgiveness is Not, continued
• Forgetting
• Just saying I forgive you
• Synonymous with mourning
• Absolution
• Self sacrifice
• A one time decision

27

• Definitions of Forgiveness
• How would you define forgiveness?

28

• Definitions of Interpersonal Forgiveness
• An internal process that seeks to reduce ones
  negative feelings toward those who have offended
  him/her and as a consequence of the reduction of
  negative feelings, allows for an increased
  ability to have positive interpersonal
  relationships.
• (Nelson, 1992)

29

• Definitions of interpersonal forgiveness
• Participation, reunion overcoming the powers of
  estrangement. And only because this is so does
  forgiveness make love possible
• (Tillich, 1987)

30

• A Definition of
• Interpersonal Forgiveness
• Forgiving is the overcoming of negative affect
  and judgment toward the offender, not by denying
  ourselves the right to such affect and judgment,
  but by endeavoring to view (treat) the offender
  with compassion, benevolence and love while
  recognizing that he or she has abandoned the
  right to them.
• (Enright et al., 1991)

31

• Interpersonal Forgiveness explained
• A by-product of an ongoing healing process.
• A sign of possible self esteem.
• Letting go of intense emotions attached to
  incidents from our past.
• Recognizing that we no longer need our grudges,
  resentments, hatred, and self pity.

32

• Interpersonal Forgiveness explained (cont.)
• No longer wanting to punish people who hurt us.
• Accepting that nothing we do to punish our
  offender will heal us.
• Freeing up and putting to better use the energy
  once consumed by holding grudges, harboring
  resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.
• Moving on.
• (Simon and Simon, 1991)

33

• Reasons for Forgiveness
• Forgiveness allows us to relieve ourselves of the
  debilitating effects of chronic anger and
  resentment.
• Forgiveness is being fair to yourself and the
  wrong suffered, its pain and revenge are unfair.
• Forgiveness allows us to move beyond our past
  wounds and see life from a new perspective.

34

• Forgiveness offers the possibility of healing and
  reconciliation, bringing new life, not death, to
  a relationship.
• Forgiveness gives us the freedom to deal with our
  wrong realistically and bring healing to our
  hurts.
• Forgiveness is for people who are human, who not
  only need to forgive, but also need to be
  forgiven.
• Forgiveness allows us to transform the energy
  invested in our pain and hurt to bring healing to
  our memory and hope to our future.

35

• Characteristics of Interpersonal Forgiveness
• (Enright and the Human Development Study Group,
  1991)
• Happens between people, not a person and an
  inanimate object.
• Follows a significant injury (psychological,
  emotional, physical, or moral) from the other
  person.
• The offense is an objective reality, not merely a
  perception.
• Is possible only when the offended party has a
  sense of justice (being wronged).

36

• Characteristics continued
• Over time, the injured party no longer seeks
  retaliation.
• The offender need not apologize for the offended
  person to forgive.
• The offender need not have intended the wrong.
• Arriving at a forgiveness solution will vary
  depending on the variables involved including the
  severity, the quality of the relationships of the
  parties, and the offended persons ability to
  understand forgiveness.

37

• Do not say Ill do to him as he has done to
  me Ill pay back for what he did.
• Proverbs 2429

38

• Forgiveness Domains
• When we forgive, as when we are significantly
  hurt, we are affected in three primary domains of
  life
• Cognitively
• Affectively
• Behaviorally
• From Robert D. Enright and the Human Development
  Study Group, 1991, The
• Moral Development of Forgiveness, Handbook of
  Moral Behavior and
• Development.

39

• Cognitive Domain
• Here, the offended person ceases condemning
  judgments and the planning of revenge. The
  offended person may realize that he or she has a
  right to negative thoughts, yet is willing to
  forgo them.
• Positive thoughts emerge toward the offender,
  such as wishing the offender well and viewing the
  offender as a moral equal.

40

• Affective Domain
• Negative emotions such as anger, hatred,
  resentment, sadness, and contempt are given up.
  These are replaced by more neutral emotions and
  eventually a positive affect including the
  willingness, through compassion and love, to help
  the offender.

41

• Behavior Domain
• Here, the offended person no longer acts out the
  revenge. Instead, there is a willingness to join
  in community or make overtures in that direction.

42

• Benefits of Forgiveness
• Decrease in depression
• Decrease in anxiety
• Decrease in displacement of anger
• Decrease in use of defense mechanisms
• Prevention of escalation of revenge
• Improved intrapersonal peace

43

• Benefits of Forgiveness continued
• Improved interpersonal relationships
• Improved affect
• Improved self-esteem
• Reduction in stress symptoms
• Lower blood pressure
• Reduction in insomnia
• Less digestive problems

44

• In a research study of 5000 Christians and the
  development of character, Zigarelli (2002) found
  a positive correlation between the practice
  interpersonal forgiveness and the amount of joy
  experienced in life.

45

• your guilt is taken away, and your sin is
  forgiven.
• Isaiah 67

46

• Objections to Interpersonal Forgiveness
• (Philosophical and Psychological)
• 1. Interpersonal forgiveness is weakness it
  develops out of a sense of moral or religious
  duty.
• Response
• 2. It is a power play, putting the forgiver in a
  one up position.
• Response
• 3. It implies inferiority by telling the
  offender they are forgiven.
• Response

47

• Objections continued
• 4. Interpersonal Forgiveness produces
  inferiority in ones self.
• Response
• 5. It is a reversal of societal justice.
• Response
• 6. Blocks personal justice.
• Response

48

• 7. It is an alienation of our true nature.
• Response
• 8. The injustice is overlooked by the offended
  person.
• Response

49

• Reasons People do Not Want to Forgive
• If this hadnt happened, Id have a perfect
  life.
• Thinking that you are the good guy or better
  person.
• A sense of power.
• It protects us from being hurt again.

50
Stages of Forgiveness and Moral
DevelopmentA Comparison of Justice and Mercy

51

• Stage One
• Justice Punishment Morality
• I believe that justice should be decided by the
  authority, by the one who can punish.
• Forgiveness Revengeful Forgiveness
• I can forgive someone who wrongs me only if I
  can punish that person to a similar degree as my
  own pain.

52

• Stage Two
• Justice Individualism
• I have a sense of reciprocity that defines
  justice for me. If you help me, I must help you.
• Forgiveness Conditional or Restitutional
  Forgiveness
• If I get back what was taken away from me, then
  I can forgive. If I feel guilty about
  with-holding forgiveness, then I can forgive to
  relieve my guilt.

53

• Stage Three
• Justice Mutual Interpersonal Expectations
• Here, I reason that the group consensus should
  decide what is right and wrong. I go along so
  that others will like me.
• Forgiveness Expectational Forgiveness
• I can forgive if others put pressure on me to
  forgive. I forgive because other people expect it
  of me.

54

• Stage Four
• Justice Social System and Conscience
• Societal laws are my guides to justice. I
  uphold laws, except in extreme cases, to have an
  orderly society.
• Forgiveness Lawful Expectational Forgiveness
• I forgive because my religion demands it.
  Notice that this stage is different from stage
  two in which the forgiver forgives to relieve
  self of guilt about with-holding forgiveness.

55

• Stage Five
• Justice Societal Contract
• I am aware that people hold a variety of
  opinions. One usually should uphold the values
  and rules of ones group. Some non-relative
  values (life, liberty, etc.) must be upheld
  regardless of majority opinions.
• Forgiveness Forgiveness as Social Harmony
• I forgive because it restores harmony or good
  relations in society. Forgiveness decreases
  friction and outright conflict in society.

56
Stage Six

• Justice Universal Ethical Principles
• My sense of justice is based on maintaining the
  individual rights of all people. People are an
  end in themselves and should be treated as such.

57

• Forgiveness Forgiveness as Love
• I forgive because it promotes a true sense of
  love. Because I must truly care for each person,
  a hurtful act on anothers part does not alter
  that sense of love.
• This kind of relationship keeps open the
  possibility of reconciliation and closes the door
  on revenge.

58

• Forgiveness is a Process
• Forgiveness is a process not a single act.
• (Augsburger, 1988)
• Forgiveness is a psychological process that
• occurs throughout life. (Smith, 1988)
• Forgiveness came in bits and pieces.
  (Smedes,1984)

59

• The Process of Forgiveness
• I realized I had been too eager to forgive. I
  had jumped right into forgiveness as soon as I
  recognized the abuse had taken place. I thought I
  was being a wonderful person by forgiving my
  parents right away. But what I was really trying
  to do was to go from zero to 10 in a single
  bound. I was trying to avoid the work, pain, and
  anger of what had happened to me as a childI
  found it painful to think about how intimate
  relationships were very difficult to me, in part
  because of the abuse I suffered in my family of
  origin. I wanted nothing to do with any of this
  pain. I just wanted to forgive my parents and get
  it over with. (Wolton, 1989, p.11)

60
The Forgiveness Process

• Takes time, often continuing throughout life.
• Takes work and is not easy.
• Is an active process, not passive
• Is internal with external manifestations
• Is an ongoing process
• Is intentional
• Requires a change in attitude

61
Forgiveness Developmental Changes

• Movement toward improved cognition, affect, and
  behavior.
• Learning about and practicing forgiveness helps
  develop the ability to forgive.
• Changes from feelings of hate and resentment to
  compassion and love.
• A desire to learn and practice forgiveness.

62

• A Process Model of Forgiveness
• Four Phases
• 20 Components
• Phase One Uncovering the Impact of our Hurt
  Phase (8 components)

63

• 1. Examination of Psychological Defenses
• A. Denial
• B. Repression
• C. Suppression
• D. Rationalization
• E. Regression
• F. Insulation
• G. Reaction Formation
• H. Displacement
• I. Compensation
• J. Withdrawal

64

• Reflection Examination of Psychological
  Defenses
• From the list of defense mechanisms presented,
  which ones have you used to protect yourself from
  the hurt and pain you experienced from your
  offense?
• How have they protected and/or hindered you from
  dealing with your feelings related to the hurt
  you experienced?
• How have you used these defense mechanisms and
  why?

65

• 2. Dealing with Anger, Hatred, and Resentment
• A. Anger is a normal reaction to being offended.
  It can have both a negative and positive effect
  on us and needs to be dealt with actively, not
  passively.
• B. Hatred is often related to anger when we are
  offended. It can be passive or active.
• C. Resentment builds when we do not deal with
  our anger and hatred.

66

• Reflection Dealing with Anger, Hatred, and
  Resentment
• What have you done with the anger you experienced
  from your hurt?
• Did you express your anger passively, actively,
  or aggressively?
• How did your anger affect your life?
• How did you resolve your feelings of anger,
  hatred, and resentment?

67

• 3. Acknowledging Shame
• When we are hurt, we sometimes feel a sense of
  shame or embarrassment when our pain is exposed
  to others.
• We feel self conscious and it often affects our
  self-esteem. Not dealing with our shame increases
  our pain and affects how we feel about ourselves.

68

• Reflection Acknowledging Shame
• How did you experience shame?
• 2. What did you do when you felt this way?
• 3. How did shame affect your life? How you feel
  about yourself? Your relationships?

69

• 4. Preoccupation with our Pain
• When we are hurt in a significant manner, we
  often, repeatedly, mentally process the hurt we
  have experienced and how unfair the offense was
  to us.
• A significant amount of emotional energy is
  often invested in thinking about what has
  happened to us.

70

• Reflection Preoccupation with our Pain
• In what ways did you experience a preoccupation
  with the pain you experienced?
• How did having a preoccupation with your pain
  affect your life?
• How were you able to achieve a balance with the
  energy put into processing your pain and your
  ability to function and cope?

71

• 5. Cognitively Rehearsing the Offense
• When we are significantly hurt, we sometimes
  spend a lot of energy rehearsing what happened to
  us when we were offended.
• While this is a somewhat normal reaction, it can
  be very upsetting and even make us feel worse.

72

• Reflection Cognitively Rehearsing the
  Offense
• In what ways did you rehearse the offense you
  experienced?
• How did rehearsing your offense affect your life?
• How were you able to replace negative thoughts
  about your offense with positive ones?

73

• 6. Comparing Self with Your Offender
• When we are hurt, it is common to compare
  ourselves with our offender and perceive him/her
  as being in a better situation than we are when
  hurt.
• We sometimes think of ourselves as victims and
  think about how much worse we are because of our
  offense.

74

• Reflection Comparing Self with Your
  Offender
• In what ways did you compare yourself to your
  offender?
• How did comparing yourself with your offender
  affect how you thought about yourself and your
  life?
• What emotions did you feel when you compared
  yourself to your offender?

75

• 7. Realization that Self may be Permanently and
  Adversely Changed by the Offense.
• Continually thinking about the offense and how
  it has affected your life may bring awareness
  that you are no longer the same person you were
  before the offense and that you can no longer be
  that person.
• You are now aware that your offense has changed
  you. This is often a painful reality, but it
  doesnt necessarily mean you are less of a person
  than you were before the offense.

76

• Reflection Realization that Self may be
  Permanently and Adversely Changed by the
  Offense.
• How are you a different person now compared to
  before the offense?
• In what ways have you grown as a person and what
  new insights do you have about yourself that you
  would not have had if the offense did not happen?
• 3. How has this change in your perspective
  helped in your healing?

77

• 8. Insight into a Possibly Altered Just World
  View.
• When we experience a deep hurt, we sometimes
  question the fairness of the world or see it as
  unjust.
• Our thinking that our offense was not deserved
  has altered how we see the world, ourselves, and
  our offender.

78

• Reflection Insight into a Possibly Altered
  Just World View.
• How did your offense affect how you see the world
  and your sense of justice or fairness?
• In what ways have your perceptions of yourself
  and your offender been altered as a result of
  your offense?
• How has this altered view of the world, yourself,
  and your offender affect your healing?

79

• 2. Phase Two The Decision to Forgive Phase
  (3 components)
• Here, the offended person chooses how he/she
  will deal with their hurt and seek a resolution
  of the pain.

80

• Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain
  mercy.
• Matthew 57

81

• 9. A Change of Heart/Conversion/New Insights
• The pain from a deep personal hurt often has
  life changing implications. Feelings of anger,
  hatred, resentment, bitterness, and revenge often
  spill over into other areas of life and diminish
  its quality. For others, it becomes a source of
  motivation and healing.

82

• When one goes through such a change of heart,
  there is the realization and new insight that old
  strategies and methods for coping with the
  offense are not working and might possibly be
  hindering the healing process and hurting more
  than helping.

83

• Reflection A Change of Heart/Conversion/New
  Insights
• How has the pain and hurt you experienced from
  your offense spilled into other areas of your
  life?
• In what ways have other people in your life been
  affected by the feelings of anger, bitterness,
  resentment, and hatred you have from your
  offense?
• How has the energy you invested in your offense
  robbed you of the quality of life you would like
  to have?

84

• 10. Willingness to Forgive
• A change of heart opens the door to exploring
  new possibilities and options for dealing with
  the hurt and pain and moving forward. Your
  options might be external and/or internal
  possibilities.
• Here, you might choose between justice and
  mercy. Justice might include a legal or personal
  route. Mercy might include an internal motivation
  for forgiveness and personal healing with self
  and other relationships.

85

• Reflection Willingness to Forgive
• Are you open to exploring forgiveness as an
  option for dealing with your hurt and pain?
• Are you seeking an external or internal option to
  healing your hurt and pain?
• What do you hope to gain with the option you are
  considering?
• What are the benefits of choosing forgiveness
  (mercy) over legal option (justice)?

86

• 11. The Commitment to Forgive
• The commitment to forgive ones offender takes
  strength and courage. It takes a willingness to
  face ones pain and pursue healing. By choosing
  to forgive, the offended person takes control of
  the hurt and healing.

87

• The commitment to forgive ones offender may
  manifest itself in the form of foreswearing
  punishment, having a positive affect toward ones
  offender, and even a willingness to possibly
  reconcile with him/her.

88

• Reflection The Commitment to Forgive
• What strategies have you used in the past to try
  and cope with the hurt and pain from your
  offense?
• Would you be willing to make a decision or
  commitment to forgive your offender?
• How do you think forgiveness will benefit you
  personally, emotionally, spiritually, and
  relationally?

89

• Phase Three The Work of Forgiveness (4
  components)
• In this phase, the offended person begins to
  build on his/her decision and commitment to
  forgive the offender.

90

• 12. Reframing our Offender
• The offended person cognitively reinterprets the
  offenders qualities and context in life. This
  strategy involves putting ourselves in the
  offenders shoes and trying to understand ones
  offender and the offense in context of the
  offenders family, history, personality, and
  situation in life.

91

• Reflection Reframing our Offender
• What are some facts you know about your
  offenders life, family, background, situation,
  etc.?
• How do these factors impact how you understand
  your offense and the offender?
• What are some similarities between yourself and
  your offender as a fellow human being?

92

• 13. Empathy Toward the Offender
• When we see our offender with new eyes empathy
  begins to emerge. When this happens, we develop
  the ability to feel as the offender might feel
  and to think as if we were in our offenders
  shoes.

93

• This understanding of our offender is deepened,
  feelings of resentment lessen, and sensitivity
  toward the offender results in decreased desire
  for revenge and increased feelings of
  benevolence.

94

• Reflection Empathy Toward the Offender
• If you were to place yourself in your offenders
  shoes, how would you describe him/her?
• What feelings does your offender have about
  his/her life, relationships, and situation he/she
  is in now?
• How would understanding your offender in need of
  compassion and benevolence impact your healing
  process?

95

• 14. Awareness of Compassion as it
  emerges toward the Offender
• Compassion takes empathy one step further as we
  open ourselves to understanding our offenders
  hurt and pain in life. Reframing is something we
  do from the head, compassion takes place from our
  heart.
• When we show compassion, we realize that there
  is more to the offender than the offense we
  experienced.

96

• Reflection Awareness of Compassion as it
  Emerges Toward the Offender
• What are some possible factors in your offenders
  life indicate the need for compassion?
• How would showing compassion to your offender
  affect your view of the offense and contribute to
  your healing?
• Who are some people who have shown compassion to
  you at other times in your life?

97

• 15. Acceptance/Absorption of the Pain
• Reframing, empathy, and compassion allow us to
  see the offender in a different light. The way to
  continue moving forward is to accept and absorb
  the pain instead of revengefully trying to give
  it to our offender.

98

• The cycle of pain is stopped only as we accept
  and absorb it instead of wanting to give it to
  others. Absorbing pain does not mean repressing
  it, but releasing it in ways that are healthy and
  therapeutic. Doing this, puts the control and
  power of your healing in your hands.

99

• Reflection Acceptance/Absorption of the
  Pain
• Who are some people in life who absorbed pain
  for you personally and how did they do it?
• What would it mean for you to absorb the pain of
  your offender?
• What would your life be like if you chose not to
  absorb the pain of your offense?
• How would absorbing your pain make a difference
  in your future?

100

• Phase Four The Outcomes of Forgiveness
  (5 components)
• This phase focuses on the positive results and
  benefits one experiences when he/she makes the
  decision to forgive. Here, the offended person
  finds meaning in their offense and suffering and
  also the realization that he/she has also
  offended others.

101

• 16. Finding Meaning for Self and Others in the
  Suffering and Forgiveness Process.
• Finding meaning in our suffering is difficult.
  We ask Why Me? Why did God allow this to happen
  to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do
  innocent people suffer?
• As one continues in the healing process we begin
  to find meaning in our suffering and that there
  is value to our lives.

102

• Reflection Finding Meaning for Self and
  Others in the Suffering and Forgiveness
  Process.
• How has your life changed as a result of your
  offense?
• What new meaning do you have in your life as a
  result of the forgiveness work you have done?
• What does it mean for you to ask what life
  expects of you when it comes to dealing with hurt
  and pain?

103

• 17. Realization that Self has Needed Others
  Forgiveness in the Past.
• In forgiving our offender, we too know that we
  have offended others and were in need of their
  forgiveness. We realize that, as human beings, we
  too are not really that different from our
  offender.
• This reality points to the fact that we all need
  compassion and forgiveness. To withhold
  forgiveness from others affects us more than our
  offender.

104

• Reflection Realization that Self has
  Needed Others Forgiveness in the Past.
• Think of a time when you needed to be forgiven.
  How did it feel?
• How would living with anger, hatred, bitterness,
  resentment, and revenge affect others in your
  life?
• How would forgiving others affect the quality of
  your life versus withholding forgiveness?

105

• 18. Insight that One is Not Alone (Universality,
  Support)
• When we are offended we often feel alone,
  powerless, helpless, and like others do not
  understand.
• While our pain is very personal, we also develop
  the insight that others too have been hurt and
  have also walked the path of forgiveness. We then
  realize that we are not the only ones and find
  the courage to continue our healing and the
  forgiveness process.

106

• Reflection Insight that One is Not Alone
• Who are some of the people you know who have
  walked the path of forgiveness?
• How does knowing that you are not alone in the
  forgiveness process affect you?
• How have you felt the support of others in
  dealing with your offense?

107

• 19. Realization that Self May Have a New Purpose
  in Life as a Result of the Offense
• When an offense has a significant impact on our
  lives, there is no way we can go back and be the
  person we once were before. As we move through
  the healing process of forgiveness, a powerful
  change takes place in our lives cognitively,
  affectively, and behaviorally.

108

• Reflection Realization that Self may Have
  a New Purpose in Life
• as a Result of the Offense
• What impact do you think your experience with the
  healing power of interpersonal forgiveness will
  have on your life?
• How will your life be changed as a result of your
  experience with interpersonal forgiveness?
• What part of the healing process of interpersonal
  forgiveness has affected your life the most?

109

• 20. Awareness of Decreased Negative Affect and,
  Perhaps, Increased Positive Affect Toward the
  Offender and Awareness of Internal Emotional
  Release
• The benefits of forgiveness are now becoming
  evident in ones life. There may be a noticed
  decrease in negative feelings toward ones
  offender and possibly the emergence of positive
  feelings. Hope for the future begins to emerge.

110

• Reflection Awareness of Decreased Negative
  Affect and, Perhaps, Increased Positive Affect
  Toward the Offender and Awareness of Internal
  Emotional Release
• 1. In what ways have your negative feelings
  toward your offender changed?
• 2. What are some positive feelings toward your
  offender that have emerged?
• 3. How has your emotional energy toward your
  offender changed since beginning this process?

111

• For if you forgive men their trespasses, your
  heavenly Father also will forgive you but if you
  do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will
  your Father forgive your trespasses.
• Matthew 614-15

112

• Forgiveness A Theological Perspective
• Forgiveness vs. Sin
• From The Psychology of Religion by Dr. Wayne Oates

113

• Sin as idolatry
• Forgiveness as an enlargement of life

114

• Sin as stupidity
• Forgiveness as the gift of wisdom

115

• Sin as self elevation
• Forgiveness as restored joy in being human

116

• Sin as alienation
• Forgiveness as the gift of community

117

• Sin as destructive habit
• Forgiveness as the restoration of strength

118

• Sin as the antithesis of faith
• Forgiveness as the invitation to pilgrimage

119

• Forgiveness is loves antidote for hate,
  beginning with passive hate, the loss of energy
  to wish people wellyou will know that
  forgiveness has begun when you recall those who
  hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.
• Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget

120

• Forgiveness Self-Assessment Check-Up
• (Developed by Susan Wade Brown, Ph.D., edited by
  Robert Enright, Ph.D.)
• Where Are You on the Path toward Peace and
  Healing?
• Forgiveness is a healing journey for both body
  and soul.
• Yet, even if you know in your heart that you want
  or need to
• forgive someone, the path toward peace can be
  difficult. To
• move forward, it often helps to have an accurate
  sense of
• where you are right now.
• Link
• http//spiritualityhealth.com/newsh/items/selftest
  /item_232.html