Romantic Relationships

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Romantic Relationships
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Overview

• The need for relationships
• Myths and facts
• Successful relationships
• Attracting love

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The Need for Relationships

• Extremely happy people (Diener Seligman, 2002)
• Know thyself
• Lasagna principle revisited
• Extraversion and introversion (Little, 1993)
• Intimate relationships

There are few stronger predictions of happiness
than a close, nurturing, equitable, intimate,
lifelong companionship with ones best
friend. David Myers
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Romantic Relationship Is
An intimate physical-spiritual-emotional
attachment between two people a deep friendship
with a passion.

• Physical intimacy
• Mutual respect and admiration
• Deep friendship
• Spiritual connection (soul mates)
• Equality
• Intimacy, passion, commitment (Sternberg, 1988)

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MythsandFacts
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Self-Sacrifice Versus Self-Interest

• The case of teaching
• Sacrifice as lose-lose

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Self-Sacrifice Versus Self-Interest

• The case of teaching
• Sacrifice as lose-lose
• Even more so in love
• The need for perceived equity (Hatfield, 1993)
• Compromise and standing by ones partner
• Love expands the self

This is the great complement of love that our
self-interest expands to encompass our
partner. Nathaniel Branden

• Win-win

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Fiction Versus Reality

• Does true love (really) exist?

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Fiction Versus Reality

• Does true love (really) exist?

Perfect love is rare indeedfor to be a lover
will require that you continually have the
subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the
child, the sensitivity of the artist, the
understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance
of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and
the fortitude of the certain. Leo
Buscaglia

• Perfect love does not exist
• True love does exist

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Love Wanes Versus Love Grows

• Lust of love?

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Who is the fairest of them all?
(Grayson, Hazle, Lareau, Mahone, Sepah Smith,
2004)
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Love Wanes Versus Love Grows

• Lust of love?
• Novelty produces heightened arousal (Mook, 1987)
• Exotic becomes erotic (Bem, 1996)
• From passionate/consummate to companionate
  (Sternberg, 1988).
• Bad news?
• Sex life can improve over time
• Love can grow over time

Cellulite and sexual potential are highly
correlated. David Schnarch
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Finding Versus Cultivating

• Movies end where love begins
• Living happily ever is the difficult part
• The one right person theory
• Cultivating the one chosen relationship

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Conflict Free Versus Some Conflict Is Healthy

• No one right relationships (Gottman, 2000)
• 51 positivity ratio
• Conflict immunizes

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Accentuate the positive dont eliminate the
negative (Gottman, 2000)

• Demonstrate interest
• Show affection (touch, smile, flowers)
• Pay compliments

I can live for two months on a good
compliment. Mark Twain

• Demonstrate empathy
• Make love

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Transcending Reason Versus Reason and Emotion
The heart has its reasons of which reason knows
not. Blaise Pascal

• The need for reason

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There are many people who are heavily invested
in the belief that love is inherently mysterious
and mocks all efforts at rational understanding.
Such people may even believe that understanding
kills romantic love. This is tantamount to
saying that consciousness kills. The exact
opposite is true. Unconsciousness kills.
Ignorance kills. Blindness kills. If we cannot
deepen our grasp of at least some of the
essentials needed for the success of romantic
love, then there is nothing waiting ahead but
more centuries of the same suffering between man
and woman that we have behind us. Natha
niel Branden

• Same-sex couples (Otis, et al. 2006)

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Successful Relationships

• State of affairs
• Tip of the stem

At first, when I figured out how to predict
divorce, I thought I had found the key to saving
marriages... But like so many experts before me,
I was wrong. I was not able to crack the code to
saving marriages until I started to analyze what
went right in happy marriages. John
Gottman
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Being Together By Doing Together

• Superordinate goal (Sherif, 1958)
• Mutually meaningful goals

In the strongest marriages, husband and wife
share a deep sense of meaning. They dont just
get alongthey also support each others hopes
and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into
their lives together. John Gottman

• Active love

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Getting to Know One Another

• Study your partner
• Create love maps
• Being known rather than being validated
  (Schnarch, 1997)
• Intimacy as key to long term passion
• Express, not impress
• Share

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Positive Perception

• Merit finding
• Positive illusions (Murray, 1997)?
• A self-fulfilling prophecy (seeing the potential)

Not only does love perceive potentialities but
it also actualizes them. Abraham
Maslow
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Positive Perception

• The number one predictor of marital success

The greatest good you can do for another is not
just to share your riches, but to reveal to him
his own. Benjamin Disraeli
To see things in the seed, that is
genius. Lao Tzu

• Refocusing on the positive
• I fell in love with my partner because
• The wonderful things about my partner are
• Things I remember fondly about our past are

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Acceptance and Respect

• Cognitive or affective conflict
• Conflict in gay couples (Gottman, 2001)
• More positive, using humor and affection
• Not taking negativity personally
• Calm down and soothe one another
• Challenging behavior, not person

When you must repremand your child, do so in a
loving manner. Dont ever try to degrade or
humiliate him. His ego is a precious thing worth
preserving. Try saying I love you very much but
I will not have the kind of behavior. Do you
know why I wont tolerate that? Simply because
you are too bright to behave that
way. Marva Collins
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Acceptance and Respect

• Cognitive or affective conflict
• Challenging behavior, not person
• P You are so inconsiderate
• B Do you mind putting down the toilet seat when
  youre done?
• P You are such a slob you promised to throw
  away the garbage I cant trust you.
• B It upsets me to return to a dirty home, after
  we agreed that you would throw away the garbage.

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Acceptance and Respect

• Cognitive or affective conflict
• Challenging behavior, not person
• Avoiding hostility, insults, contempt
• Keeping disputes private
• The Titanium Rule

Do not do unto those close to you what you would
not have done unto others (whore not so close to
you).
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Deep Friendship
At the heart of my program is the simple truth
that happy marriages are based on a deep
friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for
and enjoyment of each others company. These
couples tend to know each other intimatelythey
are well versed in each others likes, dislikes,
personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have
an abiding regard for each other and express this
fondness not just in the big ways, but in little
ways day in and day out. John Gottman

• Love is in the details
• Extraordinary by focusing on the ordinary

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Attracting Love
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Believe in Love

• Beliefs are self-fulfilling prophecies
• Opening up to opportunities (Wiseman, 2003)

Lucky people create, notice, and act upon the
chance opportunities in their lives. Richar
d Wiseman

• Throwing the knapsack (words create worlds)

The moment one definitely commits oneself, then
providence moves too. All sorts of things occur
to help one that would not otherwise have
occurred. W.H. Murray
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Cultivate Self Love

• The Golden Rule

The Tibetan term for caring or compassion,
tsewa, includes both self and others. Dala
i Lama
To say I love you one must know first how to
say the I Ayn Rand

• Self verification theory (Swann, 1983)

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Cultivate Self Love
The first love affair we must consummate
successfully is the love affair with ourselves...
To enjoy our own being, to be happy in a
profound sense with who we are, to experience the
self as worthy of being valued and loved by
othersthis is the first requirement for the
growth of romantic love. Nathaniel Branden

• Dont wait!

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Courage
Courage is not about not having fear it is
about having fear and going ahead anyway.

• Learn to fail or fail to learn
• Integrity (be yourself)
• Just do it

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Bibliography and Recommendations

• Bem, D. J. (1996). Exotic Becomes Erotic A
  Developmental Theory of Sexual Orientation.
  Psychological Review, 103 (2), 320-335)
• Branden, N. (1985). The Psychology of Romantic
  Love. Bantam
• Fraley, R. C. Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult
  Romantic Attachment Theoretical Developments,
  Emerging Controversies, and Unanswered Questions.
  Review of General Psychology, 4 (2), 132-154.
• Gottman, J. M. (2000). The Seven Principles for
  Making Marriage Work A Practical Guide from the
  Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert. Three
  Rivers Press.
• Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G. (1997). A leap of
  faith? Positive illusions in romantic
  relationships. Personality and Social Psychology
  Bulletin, 23, 586-604.
• Schnarch, D. (1998). Passionate Marriage
  Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed
  Relationships. Owl Books.
• Sternberg, R. J. Barnes, M. L. (1989). The
  Psychology of Love. Yale University Press.