If only we could start over: Repairing broken relationships

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If only we could start overRepairing broken
relationships

• Philip G. Monroe, PsyD
• www.wisecounsel.wordpress.com

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Repairs needed?

• You always You never
• Same fight, different situation
• You never talk about IT
• You struggle forgiving or you wonder if you will
  ever be forgiven
• You cant seem to forget wrongs done to you
• Cold war! Fear and suspicion is everywhere!

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Some basic beliefs

• Many people live with unrepaired relationships
• God is in the business of restoring broken people
  to himself and each other
• In this world, restoration and reconciliation is
  not always possible (death, unrepentance,
  unforgiveness, etc.) and is always partial
• There is always kingdom work to be done in our
  relationships

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Primary causes of broken relationships

• Not specific acts of sin
• Huh, it isnt?
• Unwillingness to repent
• Feelings of rejection leading to distrust
• Demanding desires
• I needyou wont giveyou will pay

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When it is broken, we

• Struggle with despair that it can ever be
  repaired
• Fear our future staying in a broken relationship
  or leaving for the unknown
• Struggle with anger that we are not being
  forgiven or not understood
• Receive lots of well-meaning advice
• Find ourselves in a well of what-ifs

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Should I repair it?

• No easy answers but what does God want?
• To love my enemies
• To speak the truth
• To lean on the body of Christ for help
• What about abuse situations? Adultery?
• What if the other is unwilling to work?

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Repair jobs require

• Humility
• Godly response to painful memories
• Trust and vulnerability
• Forgiveness
• New communication habits

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Humility

• Are you really any different from the one in
  conflict? Watch out for self-righteousness!
• Consider Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 (Esther works
  well too)
• Truth, Courage, Action, Kindness (considering the
  needs of others)
• A willingness to consider ones own faults first

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What do I do with my hurt feelings?

• What do I do with my memory? Is it possible to
  forget?
• No, but memories are not passive and so watch out
  for 2 distortions
• Use the stories of the Exodus and Passion to
  shape your memory
• The Exodus story assures me that God is a God
  of justice the memory of the Passion reminds me
  to try to love those who seemed to me to deserve
  the very opposite of love.
• Volf, The End of Memory, p. 96

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Trust, Vulnerability, Forgiveness

• When blind trust runs headlong into reality
• Now what? I have to trust someone who is going to
  hurt me?
• Forgiveness? Only when they ask? Attitudes
  relating to forgiveness? How does forgiveness
  relate to reconciliation?

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New communication patterns
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7 steps to better communication

• 1. Go for the best interpretation
• Dont define them by their flaws
• What picture do you carry with you?
• Question for your meditation Do I keep a record
  of wrongs? Do my communications mostly show
  complaints or encouragements?

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7 steps to better communication

• 2. Listen and validate
• Beware of the hindrances to listening
• Jumping to conclusions
• Quick solutions offered
• Trying to win a point
• Trying to avoid
• Question Do I try to listen to the underlying
  concern or dream, or am I planning an attack,
  defense, solution, etc.?

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7 steps to better communication

• 3. Stay current
• Gunny-sacking is a common, natural response
  that kills!
• Question Do I collect momentos of being wronged
  and use them when its to my convenience? Or, do
  I fight to forgive and seek forgiveness when
  necessary

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7 steps to better communication

• 4. Practice do-overs
• Instead of fighting over re-plays
• Question Do I tend to use harsh start-ups or
  criticisms when I bring a problem up? Do I ask
  for or give do-overs for the sake of peace?

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7 steps to better communication

• 5. Use breaks and cool-downs
• Commit to well-defined breaks to avoid words that
  cannot be retracted
• Question Do I allow the other to take a break
  even when I do not need it? Do I ask for a
  well-defined break instead of withdrawing without
  warning?

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7 steps to better communication

• 6. Look for agreement where possible
• Question Do you acknowledge agreement or fight
  for the last word?

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7 steps to better communication

• 7. Make the first heart-felt apology
• Vindication or punishment before apology?
• To do this, you must be convicted!
• Question Am I willing to be the first to move
  the suitcase?

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Non-apologies

• Im sorry if you (you shouldnt be hurt)
• Im sorry but you (its really your fault)
• I said I was sorry (you shouldnt still be hurt)
• Instead
• Tell me how I hurt you
• Please forgive me (again)
• What can I do to help you move forward?

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7 steps to better communication

• Go with the best interpretation
• Listen and validate
• Stay current
• Practice do-overs
• Use breaks and cool-downs
• Look for agreement where possible
• Make the first heart-felt apology

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Take a moment for personal reflection

• Think about your last few conflicts
• DO NOT PATHOLOGIZE!
• Who leads?
• What is the response?
• Then what?
• How does it end?
• How do you repair?

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Review

• Where do you have trouble?
• Speaking without accusation?
• Bring complaint instead of criticism?
• Speaking concisely?
• Listening without planning retort?
• Hearing the dreams, concerns?
• Allowing do-overs instead of pointing out your
  spouses missteps?

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Your Gift

• I will try to honor you, with Gods help, by
  doing the following when we are having a
  disagreement
• Listen first without giving a defense
• Resist the temptation to run
• Validate your feelings and ideas
• Honestly communicate with love
• Work to start my complaints softly

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Final Thought

• Lord, dont move this mountain
• But give me some strength to climb it
• Please dont move that stumbling block
• But lead me, Lord, around it.
• The way may not be easy,
• You didnt say that it would be,
• Lord when my tribulations get too light
• We tend to stray from the, so Im asking you
• Lord, dont you move this mountain
• But give me strength to climb it
• Please dont move that stumbling block,
• But lead me, Lord, around it.
• Words by Mahalia Jackson, sung by Ruth Naomi Floyd