Commitment

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Commitment
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Contents

• Main Presentation
• Appenicies
• ONeills notes on sharing commitments
• ONeills model for a committed relationship.

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Considering Commitment

• Main Presentation.

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Overview

• The purpose of this presentation is to
• Assess the key principles of Romantic
  commitment.
• Suggest an approach for developing a committed
  relationship.
• Make a preliminary effort to apply that approach
  to the situation between Cathleen McDonald
  ONeill Stanleigh with initial input only from
  ONeill.

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Key Principles of Romantic Commitment I What is
Commitment?

• Commitment is here understood to mean choosing
  courses of action which determine and define
  ones identity. Examples of Commitment are
• Im Committed to being a parent.
• Im Committed to being a musician.

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Key Principles of Romantic Commitment II Choice
and Acceptance

• Romantic Commitment is a choice to define ones
  identity around another.
• Prior to making this choice each partner has made
  commitments as an individual.
• Romantically committed couples manage all their
  previous individual commitments together and make
  all future commitments the same way. Together.

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Commitment Concerns

• There are significant draw backs to Romantic
  Commitment which are unavoidable in pursuit of a
  committed relationship. These can include, but
  are not limited to
• Confinement to one sexual partner.
• Unavoidable periods of conflict and volatility as
  one partner experiences changes before the other
  has a chance to react or adapt.
• Surrendering absolute control of ones personal
  identity or development to incorporate the needs
  and interests of another.

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Why Commitment?

• There is a significant body of anecdotal evidence
  provided by couples who have participated in
  sustained romantic commitments lasting many years
  that their relationships evolve and become
  tremendously rewarding despite, or perhaps
  because of, periods of tremendous upheaval and
  strain.
• Commitment, previously defined here as a function
  of identity, guarantees that one will never
  develop a point of view or outlook which is not
  supported, considered, and understood by another.

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Managing Expectations

• Expectations about what to expect from a
  committed relationship need to be realistically
  set around long term goals and gains.
• The rewards of commitment are attained only by
  transitioning through complex and sometimes
  painful adjustments as each person goes from
  defining their identity individually, to defining
  it around the choice to remain committed to a
  partner.
• Mistakes are often made, and both parties will on
  occasion need to be forgiven so long as mistakes
  are acknowledged, and not repeated.

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Building Romantic Commitment

• Romantic Couples must assess the commitments and
  identities they each bring to their relationship.
• Couples must assess how they can share their
  previous commitments with one another.
• Couples must decide on how they will make all
  future commitments together.

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Cathleen ONeill

• A case study.

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Case Study Approach

• In this section we will apply the three
  principles for Building Romantic Commitment
  outlined in a previous slide, and apply them to
  Cathleen and ONeill. Once again, they are
• Romantic Couples must assess the commitments and
  identities they each bring to their relationship.
• Couples must assess how they can share their
  previous commitments with one another.
• Couples must decide on how they will make all
  future commitments together.

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I. Previous Commitments

• Cathleen
• Mother of Siobhan.
• Eldest sibling of 7.
• Member of a broad community in her home town.
• Friend
• Inclined to exploring the world and universe
  through experiences with others.

• ONeill
• Musician.
• Son and Brother.
• Friend.

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II. Sharing Previous Commitments

• Cathleen
• TBA

• ONeill
• See Appendix 1

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III. Making Future Commitments Together

• Commitments involve choices which shape a
  persons identity. If ONeill and Cathleen choose
  to Commit to each other, each must respect the
  others need to participate in any changes and
  growth they experience. This would mean Cathleen
  and ONeill would commit to consulting with one
  another, and not make any decisions without the
  others agreement or participation, on decisions
  involving the areas listed on Slide 16.

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III. Making Future Commitments Together Slide 16

• To Participate in a committed relationship
  Cathleen and ONeill would commit to taking no
  action in the following areas without mutual
  agreement.
• Sex
• Psychotropic, or potentially addictive drugs
• Financial choices involving more that 5 of their
  combined income.
• Travel.
• Employment.
• Place of residence.
• Time spent outside of normal routine (ie let each
  other know if they arent going to be around on a
  weekend if they live apart, and call if late
  getting home while living together, etc.)

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Conclusion

• This presentation is meant to outline what a
  constructive and objective approach to
  considering a committed relationship can look
  like.
• It is of course completely and utterly insane.
• So is love, and so are life and relationships.
• So why not?

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Apendicies

1. ONeills notes on Sharing previous commitments.
2. ONeills outline for a committed relationship
   with Cathleen.

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Sharing Commitments I

• Conflict between Cathleen and ONeill has
  developed around how to share their previous
  commitments.
• Recommendation
• Cathleen and ONeill should try to consider how
  they can share their previous commitments
  together in a committed relationship.

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Sharing Commitments IIONeill on his commitments

• Commitment 1 Musician.
• ONeill has defined his identity prior to meeting
  Cathleen around his commitment to be a musician.
• This commitment is built around
• - Youthful desire to communicate w. his father.
• - Intuitive Spiritual perception that it is
  correct and necessary to develop an identity by
  making and maintaining commitments.
• - Commitment to communicating his intuitions
  of
• honesty, honestly through music.

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Sharing Commitments IIONeill on his commitments

• Problems w. Commitment 1 Musician.
• Art, and artistry are highly individualistic
  commitments and they are very difficult to share.
  ONeills commitment to music leaves him
  answering to creative intuitions which he makes
  into music because they are difficult to
  articulate any other way.
• To date ONeills commitment to music has
  caused problems because intuition and inspiration
  are difficult to schedule. ONeill has trouble
  sharing scheduling with Cathleen around all of
  her commitments because he feels it leaves him
  without enough time to honor his own commitment
  to be a musician.

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Sharing Commitments IIONeill on his commitments

• Options Sharing Commitment 1 Musician.
• Cathleen can prioritize which of her commitments
  she wishes ONeill to share. Previously ONeill
  tried to share all commitments directly involving
  Siobhan, and had difficulty also finding time to
  share for trips to see Cathleens family and
  friends. If Cathleen can honor ONeills
  commitment to music by respecting his need for
  time to make it that might help her see the
  positive value in prioritizing which commitments
  she needs him to participate in.

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Sharing Commitments IIONeill on his commitments

• Options Sharing Commitment 1 Musician.
• 2. Cathleen and ONeill can try to forge common
  goals as musicians together, and meet them. This
  is an idealistic and romantic goal, but the
  reality is while making music is of interest to
  both Cathleen and ONeill, they have not been
  equally committed to it to date. For this truly
  to be an option ONeill would need to be able to
  expect Cathleen to make finding time for making
  music as much of a priority for herself as it is
  for him . She would probably need to be willing
  to take time away from some of her other
  commitments to do this.

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Sharing Commitments IIONeill on his commitments

• Options Sharing Commitment 1 Musician.
• ONeill has proposed the previous two options for
  the purpose of opening dialog. He welcomes other
  ideas and suggestions.

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Sharing Commitments IIONeill on his commitments

• Options Sharing Commitment 2 Brother Son.
• ONeill will need to be available to see his
  mother and brother in crisis situations
  involving
• Health
• Legal difficulty
• Emotional Crisis
• ONeill will need to see his mother and brother
  with Cathleen on at least three other occasions
  each year including ONE of the major
  Autumn/Winter Holidays.

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Sharing Commitments IIONeill on his commitments

• Options Sharing Commitment 3 Friend.
• ONeill will need to be available to see Friends
  known to Cathleen in crisis situations involving
• Health
• Legal difficulty
• Emotional Crisis
• ONeill will need to see his friends on occasion
  with Cathleens knowledge, and consent, and
  participation as she sees fit on occasions so
  long as it doesnt conflict with his commitment
  to her.

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Sharing Commitments IIICathleen on her
commitments

• Sharing commitments involves describing how one
  would like to see things work, and how one would
  like to share commitment. It would be interesting
  for each person in a relationship to know what
  their partner pictures as how things should work.
  It can help both partners feel they gave things a
  chance to try sharing this. Cathleens thoughts
  on this topic are TBA.

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Appendix II.

• ONeills model for a committed relationship to
  Cathleen.

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ONeills model for a committed relationship.

• Cathleen and ONeill will commit to implementing
  the elements listed on Slide 29.
• Cathleen and ONeill will maintain a relationship
  featuring all the features on Slides 29 and 30
  for two years.
• After two years maintaining a relationship with
  the features on Slides 29 30 ONeill Cathleen
  will pursue marriage and having children
  (probably very quickly to make up for lost time).

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Slide 29 ONeills model for a committed
relationship. Key Terms

• Cathleen to quit Tobacco smoking
• ONeill Cathleen to maintain finances jointly.
• ONeill to join Cathleen as primary care giver
  for Siobhan.
• Cathleen to take one year to establish with her
  family, Siobhan, and Siobhans family that
  ONeill is a primary care giver to Siobhan along
  with her.
• Cathleen ONeill to cohabitate after one year
  maintaining or establishing these terms.
• Cathleen ONeill to marry and have children
  after one full year cohabitating and maintaining
  these terms.
• Cathleen ONeill to make all agreements
  together about matters detailed in Slide 16.

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Slide 30 ONeills model for a committed
relationship. Secondary Terms

• Cathleen to reply to all emails from ONeill,
  even if only with single sentences such as Well
  talk later.
• ONeill to hold Cathleens hand whenever it is
  offered whenever possible.
• ONeill and Cathleen to go out dancing at least
  once a month.
• ONeill and Cathleen and Siobhan to travel / Road
  Trip at least three times a year.
• ONeill and Cathleen and Siobhan to designate one
  night a week as Game night to play board games,
  or video games, at home together.
• ONeill and Cathleen to spend time together with
  friends or family once a month.