Objectives:

1
Mastering Difficult Conversations

• Objectives
• Introduce the Harvard Negotiation Projects
  Difficult Conversations model
• Analyze our approach to personal and work-related
  difficult conversations for the purpose of
  making conflict more productive
• Learn some concrete steps in effectively handling
  the inevitable conflict and difficult
  conversations in our lives

2
Mastering Difficult Conversations

• What you must leave at the door to make this
  class successful
• Your desire to win, punish, or control
• Your desire that everything be fair
• Your assumption that it wont work
• Your tendency to think in black and white,
  right or wrong only
• Your determination to always be the one who is
  right.

• Please dont say
• Why should I have to work at communicating when
  its HIS fault?
• This isnt fair!
• There are no two ways about it Im right.
• This wont work in real life.

3
Mastering Difficult Conversations

• What you must grab hold of to make this
  successful
• A willingness to work at this
• An understanding that perception is reality
  both for you and for those around you.
• A willingness to start the learning process with
  todays class
• A willingness to see and acknowledge your own
  contribution to your difficult conversations

• Please say
• Im willing to sacrifice to improve my
  communication and relationships.
• Im willing to work at this.
• It wont be perfect, and it wont be easy, but I
  can do a better job with difficult
  conversations, even if the other person is
  hesitant or uncooperative.

4
Mastering Difficult Conversations

• What this can do for you
• Remove the self-doubt and low self-esteem that
  comes with the habit of avoiding difficult
  conversations
• Help you to be more clearly understood by those
  around you
• Help you understand those around you more clearly
• Ease your fear of conflict
• Help remove a destructive desire to win or
  remove the destructive desire to defend at all
  costs.

5
Mastering Difficult Conversations

• Definition
• A difficult conversation is any one-on-one
  interchange made challenging by the presence of
  one or more of the following
• Conflict
• Fear, anger, or frustration
• Anxiety, procrastination
• Disagreement
• Misunderstanding

6
Mastering Difficult Conversations

• Three important conversations surrounding or
  underneath most difficult conversations
• The What Happened? conversation
• The Feelings Conversation
• The Identity Conversation

7
The What Happened? Conversation

• The What Happened? conversation
• What happened?
• What should have happened?
• Who did what? Who meant what?
• Whos right? Whos wrong?
• Whos to blame?

8
The What Happened? Conversation

• Assumptions we make that can kill our ability to
  communicate
• The truth assumption - Im right. Youre wrong.
• The intention invention - We assume we know
  the others intention when we dont. Or if we are
  unsure of intentions, we assume they are bad.
• The blame frame Time invested in establishing
  blame or fault creates defensiveness, anger
  and frustration.

9
The What Happened? Conversation

• Assumptions we make that can kill our ability to
  communicate in a difficult conversation
• The truth assumption - I am right. You are
  wrong.
• Instead
• Explore each others stories
• Move from certainty to curiosity
• Adopt the And Stance

Instead of asking yourself How can they
possibly think that? or How can they be so
irrational? ask I wonder what information they
have that I dont? or How might they be seeing
this situation so that their view makes sense to
them?
10
The What Happened? Conversation

• The truth assumption - I am right. You are
  wrong.
• Instead
• Explore each others stories
• Move from certainty to curiosity
• Adopt the And Stance
• Two exceptions that are NOT exceptions
• What if I really AM right?!
• What if I have to give bad news regardless of the
  other persons story?

11
The What Happened? Conversation

• Assumptions we make that can kill our ability to
  communicate in a difficult conversation
• The truth assumption - I am right. You are
  wrong.
• The intention invention
• We assume we know the others intention when we
  dont.
• Or if we are unsure of intentions, we assume they
  are bad.

12
The What Happened? Conversation

• Assumptions we make that can kill our ability to
  communicate in a difficult conversation
• The intention invention - We assume we know
  the others intention when we dont. Or if we are
  unsure of intentions, we assume they are bad.
• Mistake 1 Our assumptions about intentions are
  often wrong.
• Mistake 2 Good intentions dont sanitize bad
  impact

• We tend to
• Assume the worst
• Treat ourselves more charitably
• Oversimplify intentions when, in reality, they
  are very complex
• Ignore the other persons feelings in light of
  (our perception of) their intentions.

13
The What Happened? Conversation

• Assumptions we make that can kill our ability to
  communicate in a difficult conversation
• The intention invention - We assume we know
  the others intention when we dont. Or if we are
  unsure of intentions, we assume they are bad.
• Avoid Mistake 1 Disentangle Impact Intent
• Actions What did the other person actually
  say/do?
• What was the impact of this on me?
• What assumption am I therefore making about
  intent?

14
The What Happened? Conversation

• Assumptions we make that can kill our ability to
  communicate in a difficult conversation
• The intention invention - We assume we know
  the others intention when we dont. Or if we are
  unsure of intentions, we assume they are bad.
• Avoid Mistake 2 Listen for feelings
• Listen past the accusation of intent and get to
  the feelings. They are what are truly driving the
  conversation
• Dont assume your own intentions are always pure

15
The What Happened? Conversation

• Assumptions we make that can kill our ability to
  communicate in a difficult conversation
• The truth assumption - I am right. You are
  wrong.
• The intention invention - We assume we know
  the others intention when we dont. Or if we are
  unsure of intentions, we assume they are bad.
• The blame frame Time invested in establishing
  blame or fault creates defensiveness, anger
  and frustration.

16
The What Happened? Conversation

• Remember
• In our story, the blame always seems very clear
• Focusing on blame is a problem primarily because
  it inhibits our ability to learn whats really
  causing the problem and to do anything meaningful
  to address it.

• The blame frame Time invested in establishing
  blame or fault creates defensiveness, anger
  and frustration.
• Blame is about judging and looks backward
• Contribution is about understanding and looks
  forward

17
Mastering Difficult Conversations

• Three other conversations surrounding most
  difficult conversations
• The What Happened? conversation
• The Feelings Conversation
• Have your feelings, or they will have you.
• The Identity Conversation

18
The Feelings Conversation

• Have your feelings, or they will have you.
• Feelings are what make relationships enjoyable
  and satisfying
• Feelings are what make difficult conversations
  difficult

Ignoring (refusing to acknowledge and deal with)
feelings your own and the other persons is
the most common mistake made in dealing with
difficult conversations.
19
The Feelings Conversation

• Unexpressed feelings can leak into a conversation
• They secretly influence the conversation
• Unexpressed feelings can burst into a
  conversation
• Uncontrolled (anger, frustration, shouting), they
  destroy the conversation
• Unexpressed feelings make it difficult to listen
• There is a relationship between not knowing how
  to express oneself and not knowing how to listen

If you find yourself with the urge to blame, use
that urge to find hidden feelings Anger, fear,
betrayal, etc.
20
The Feelings Conversation

• Have your feelings, or they will have you.
• Dont vent describe feelings carefully
• Frame feelings back into the problem
• Express the full spectrum of your feelings
• Dont evaluate
• Dont judge, evaluate or blame
• Dont problem-solve
• Dont monopolize

Sometimes, in a difficult conversation, feelings
are really all that matter. The rest is
incidental.
21
Mastering Difficult Conversations

• Three other conversations surrounding most
  difficult conversations
• The What Happened? conversation
• The Feelings Conversation
• The Identity Conversation

22
The Identity Conversation

• The Identity Conversation
• (Difficult conversations can threaten our
  identity)
• Am I competent?
• Am I a good person?
• Am I worthy of love?

Difficult conversations are not just difficult
because we have to face the other person, but
because we have to face ourselves.
23
Looking at the Difficult Conversation

• Remember
• Forget about trying to control the other persons
  reaction
• Be prepared for their response
• Be willing to take a break. Not EVERYTHING should
  be the subject of a conversation.

• Three things to accept about yourself going in
• You are not perfect. You will make mistakes
• Your intentions are complex
• You have contributed to the problem

24
Starting a Difficult Conversation

• Where to begin
• Remember You cant change other people
• Dont go for Short-Term relief and Long-Term cost
• Dont hit and run
• Let go

25
Starting a Difficult Conversation

• Where to begin
• Start with The Third Story
• The Third Story
• Their Story
• Your Story

The Third Story is not your story and its not
their story. Its the point of view of a third
person. To discover the third story, think like a
mediator.
26
What to Talk About In A Difficult Conversation

• Talk about where each story comes from
• My reaction probably has a lot to do with my
  previous job
• Talk about the impact on you
• Im sure you didnt intend this, but it was
  frustrating for me when
• Take your responsibility for your contribution
• I know that the fact that I have let things go
  so long without mentioning this has definitely
  caused a problem
• Describe feelings (not judgments or accusations)
• Im sure you didnt intend this, but it was
  frustrating for me when
• Talk about the identity issues
• I dont like seeing myself as someone who would