Nonmonogamous sexual relationships

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Non-monogamous sexual relationships

• M.L.Ng
• Department of Psychiatry

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Characteristics

• Relationship sexuality and intimacy
• Lifestyle One household
• Variant not sexually exclusive and/or not
  legalized.
• Alternative/alternate
• Excluding e.g.
• Step families
• Childless couples
• Dual-earner couples etc.

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Singlehood

• Definition
• The never married bachelors and spinster
• Divorcees
• Widows/widowers
• No sex life? Free sex life?
• Separate household?
• The unattached?

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Singlehood

• Rate 20-30 and rising. FgtM
• Causes Late marriages, rising divorce rates,
  non-marital life styles.
• Attitudes to singlehood Negative
• Types of singlehood
• Voluntary/non-voluntary
• Temporary/stable
• Celibate or sexual (exclusive/non-exclusive.
  stable/casual)

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The pros and cons of singlehood

• Advantages
• Sexual and social freedom
• Self development
• Devotion to faith, work or ideals
• Disadvantages
• Sexual and emotional isolation
• Financial and health security
• Family relationship and attachment

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Cohabitation

• Definition
• marriage without being married?
• Possible differences
• Against marriage no preparation for marriage
• For a defined period and then separate.
• Particular financial arrangement
• Prevalence
• Middle age in Europe 10 of couples
• Now, 20 and rising (ever cohabited rate)

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Plan for cohabitation - FPAHK data 2001(Youths
aged 18-27)
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Attitude to Cohab FPAHK data 2001(F3-F7
students)
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Cohabitation

• Social attitude
• increasing acceptance.
• Some countries/US states, a crime!
• Styles (Straver)
• Marriage like
• Complete togetherness (super-marriage)
• Limited togetherness
• Independent

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Cohabitation

• Styles (Ridley)
• Linus Blanket (Security)
• Emancipation
• Convenience
• Testing
• Styles (Macklin)
• Temporary or casual
• Going together
• Transitional to marriage (Majority)
• Alternative for marriage

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Characteristics of cohabitors

• Non-religious (non-Christian)
• Age between 25 and 45 (2/3)
• Earlier and more sexual experience
• More liberal/unconventional
• More unhappy family background
• Males more generous
• Females less diligent, self-accepting, law
  abiding, independent, happy background. Parents
  more sexually negative.

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The process of cohabitation

• Mutual discussion and deliberation? (lt25 in
  young, higher in divorcees)
• Conscious or unconscious drifting in.
• Frequent discussion on marriage
• The factor of pregnancy or children.
• The factor of legal/social advantages

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Features of Co-habitation

• Sex
• More active, sophisticated and experimental.
• Easier communication.
• Not more sexually satisfied
• 70 monogamous
• around the same rate of extra-relational sex
• higher sexual jealousy (FgtM)

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Features of Co-habitation

• Sex roles
• more equal and interchangeable
• Love satisfaction
• more communication and love feeling
• Commitment to the relationship
• lower quantitative (material) commitment, e.g.
• permanency or family building
• enduring adversities/dissatisfactions
• higher qualitative commitment
• to make the relationship happy

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Features of co-habitation

• Less stable
• About 40 breakup in 6 months (courtship)
• Less barrier to dissolution
• traditional pressure
• Better for divorcees
• The breaking up is just as painful
• Greater ambivalence in decisions and choices
• More legal problems
• e.g. custody, property etc.

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Homosexual relationships

• Types of relationship
• Casual
• Co-habitation
• Homosexual Marriage
• Problems
• As heterosexuals but intensified
• Homos in heterosexual marriage
• Commitment and durability
• Children adoption

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Extramarital relationships

• Definition
• Sexual relationship outside marriage
• Implying infidelity and unfaithfulness
• Not include comarital sex, e.g. mate swapping,
  sex in open marriages etc.?
• Prostitution?
• Incidence
• High for males, even in medieval Europe.
• Kinsey 40 hd, 26 wives by age 40.
• Blumstein (83) 30 hd, 22 wives married for 10
  yrs.
• Estimation 50 of all marriages.

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Service data in Hong Kong

• Family Service, HKCSS
• 26.1 of marital problems (1988-1990)
• HK Catholic Marriage Advisory Council
• Around 37 (1991 -1994), 32 hd, 6 wife.

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Attitudes to EMR

• Officially condemned
• US 75 adults disapproved
• Minority tribes accept with restrictions
• Depends on nature of involvement
• Double standard for gender

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Attitude to EMR FPAHK 2001(F3-F7 students)
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Attitude to whoredom FPAHK 2001(F3-F7 students)
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Patterns of EMR

• Compensatory of a defective marriage
• Still exclusive
• Compensatory of separations
• Tolerate casual affairs
• Bohemian
• Anti-monogamy
• A spectrum of secretiveness with inclination to
  the secretive side

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Features of EMR subjects

• Males (Young females catching up)
• Younger
• Higher education and social class
• More urban population
• Non-religious (Non-Christians)
• Politically liberal
• Sexually liberal
• Low marital/sexual satisfaction
• ? Emotional or personality problems

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Precipitating factors for EMR

• Separations? (?)
• Opportunities
• Reciprocity (revenge, getting even)
• Life philosophy
• Novelty, variety, excitement Not necessarily
  sexual
• Marital dissatisfaction (40)
• Love or friendship (30)

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Maintenance factors for EMR

• Self-actualization and extension
• Improved mood
• Improved sexual feeling and performance
• Enhanced self-esteem
• Renewed appreciation of the marriage and spouse

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Negative aspects of EMR

• Practical problems secrecy, time management,
  social and health problems.
• Psychological effects fear, guilt, anxiety,
  conflict.
• Suspicion and jealousy from spouse even if the
  EMR is tolerated
• Threat to marriage

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Long term outcome of EMR

• Females
• Average 1 year duration span
• 62 repetitive
• Average 5 partners.
• Males
• All figures higher

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Polyamory

• Definition
• Stable love-sex bonding between gt2 people.
  (Polyfidelity)
• Include non-monogamous marriages (?)
• Types and examples
• Marital polyamory (various multi-partner
  marriages)
• Traditional polyamory (Stanley Ho)
• Adjustment polyamory (to overcome problems)
• Open spontaneous (Quinn, Danny and Gilbert)
• Subversive (Fengs homosexual case)

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Patterns of polyamorus relations

• Hierarchal Polyamory
• Primary the legal or most bonded partner
• Secondary, tertiary etc.
• Non-hierarchal Polyamory
• Circle of equals, triads
• Vee A-B, A-C, but no B-C
• Line relations Add young partners as old ones
  die.

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Common questions on Polyamory

• Jealousy If present, to solve as a problem
• Rules not fixed
• Sexual orientation all kinds
• Duration from brief to permanent with children.
  
• Partner additions or separation by open
  knowledge and negotiation.
• Safe sex

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Benefits of Polyamory

• Life enrichment
• Accelerate personal development
• Stabilize families
• Promote ecological lifestyles
• Preparation for the future
• End sex wars
• Development of new cultures

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Attitude to polyamory FPAHK 2001(F3-F7
students)
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References

• BP Buunk B Driel (1989) Variant life styles and
  relationships. Family Studies Series 11, London,
  Sage Publications.
• DP Barach JE Lipton (2001) The Myth of
  Monogamy, New York, Henry Holt Co.
• PL Kilbride (1994) Plural Marriage for our Times.
  Bergin Garvey.
• AM Deborah (2001) Polyamory The New Love Without
  Limits Secrets of Sustainable Intimate
  Relationships. San Rafael, IntiNet Resource
  Centre.