Conflict

1
Conflict
2
Conflict is an expressed struggle between at
least two interdependent parties who perceive
incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and
interference from the other party in achieving
their goals.
3
Conflicts can be Functional or
Dysfunctional

• Integration (acknowledgment/ respect)
• Respect/Choice
• De-escalation
• Focusing
• Positive results

• Polarization
• Coercion
• Escalation
• Drifting (kitchen-sinking)
• Negative results

4
Individual Conflict Styles
(Wilmot Hocker, 1998)
5
Competition
Collaboration
High aggression/ energy
Compromise
Concern for Self
Low aggression/ energy
Avoidance
Accommodation
Low cooperation
High cooperation
Concern for Other
6
Avoidance

• Advantages
• Allows time to think
• Useful if issue is trivial
• Helps you not to get too involved in the conflict
• Keeps others from influencing you as much
• Disadvantages
• May demonstrate that you dont care
• Gives impression that youre not flexible
• Lets conflicts simmer/heat up rather than working
  through them
• Denies mutual influence
• Techniques
• Denials of conflict, evasive remarks, changing
  the subject, abstract remarks, noncommittal
  statements/questions, friendly joking

7
Competition

• Advantages
• Useful when you need to make a quick, decisive
  action
• Can encourage creativity
• Useful when the goal is more important than the
  relationship
• Demonstrates how important the issue is to you
• Disadvantages
• Can harm the relationship
• May encourage others to be passive-aggressive, or
  use other covert means
• Limits conflicts to win-lose
• Taken to an extreme, can be physically harmful
• Techniques
• Denial of responsibility, personal criticism,
  rejection, hostile imperatives, hostile jokes,
  hostile questions, presumptive remarks, threats,
  violence

8
Compromising

• Advantages
• Can accomplish important goals in relatively
  short time
• Reinforces power balance in relationship
• Can be used as a back-up method when other styles
  fail
• Appears reasonable to most parties
• Disadvantages
• Can become an easy way out, when other solutions
  might work better
• May be seen as lose-lose
• May be a sophisticated form of avoidance
• Techniques
• Appealing to fairness, suggesting a trade-off,
  maximizing wins/minimizing losses, offering a
  quick short-term solution

9
Accommodating

• Advantages
• Useful when you find out youve been wrong
• You can give a little and gain a lot if the
  issues not important to you
• Allows harmony of relationship, without overt
  conflict
• Disadvantages
• May reduce finding creative options
• Can be harmful to the relationship if one person
  always gives in, and the other always gets their
  way
• If the accommodation is resented, conflict will
  likely just arise again later
• Techniques
• Giving up/giving in, disengagement, denial of
  needs, expression of desire for harmony

10
Collaboration

• Advantages
• Generates new ideas
• Shows respect for the other party
• Gains commitment to the solution from both
  parties
• Affirms importance of relationship
• Builds team approach to conflict management
• Demonstrates that conflict can be productive
• Disadvantages
• May not be worth the time and energy involved
• Can be manipulative, or used as a one-up move
• Techniques
• Descriptive statements, disclosing statements,
  qualifying statements, solicitation of
  disclosure, solicitation of criticism, supportive
  remarks, concessions, acceptance of responsibility

11
Relational Conflict StylesPatterns of managing
disagreements that repeat themselves over time.

• Complementary Conflict Style
• Partners use different but mutually reinforcing
  behaviors
• Symmetrical Conflict Style
• Partners use the same tactics
• Parallel Conflict Style
• Shifts between complementary and symmetrical
  styles depending on the issue
• Can also look at styles based on level of
  intimacy and aggressiveness
• (also Conflict-Avoidant, Validating, and
  Volatile)
• Conflict rituals

12
Conflict Management
(Wilmot Hocker, 1998)
13

• Clarify Communication
• Speak your mind and heart
• Listen well
• Express strong feelings appropriately
• Remain rational as long as possible
• Summarize and ask questions
• Give and take
• Avoid all harmful statements
• Check Perceptions
• Ask directly what is going on
• Tell others your own reality
• Look for flexible shades-of-gray solutions

14
Transforming Conflicts
(Wilmot Hocker, 1998)
15
What are your options for trying to change a
conflict?

• Try to change the other person
• Try to alter the conflict conditions
• Change your own communication
• and/or perceptions

16
Midrange conflicts tend to be most productive
Potential for Productiveness
Unexpressed Conflict
Regulated Conflict
Unrestrained Conflict
17
Our difficulties with conflict can often be
boiled down to problems with

• Avoidance (Unexpressed Conflict)
• Escalation (Unrestrained Conflict)

18
Avoidance

• 2 types
• Avoidance -gt Avoidance -gt Avoidance etc.
• Avoidance-gt Escalation -gt Avoidance etc.
• Why do we tend to avoid?
• You feel the other person wouldnt like it or is
  so fragile theyd fall apart if you brought up
  the issue
• You feel you dont have the right to bring up the
  issue
• You feel you lack the skills to deal with the
  conflict

19
Breaking the Avoidance Cycle

• Remember that the other person needs your help to
  correct whatever misperceptions have formed
• Remember that not sharing important information
  doesnt do either of you any good
• Try to reframe your concerns about bringing up
  the issue, or come up with counterarguments for
  them.
• If you find yourself complaining to others behind
  the persons back, recognize it as indirect
  anger, and a clue you need to engage that person.
  Ask yourself, What is it that I need to tell
  him/her?

20
Moving from Complaints to Requests

• You are too cold.
• Youre smothering me.

• I need more warmth.
• I need you to look at me when you talk.
• I would like it if youd answer my questions.
• I would like to have some more time to do my own
  thing.
• I need some time to myself.

21
Escalation

• Anger is a secondary emotion, resulting from
• Fear
• Hurt
• Frustration of unmet needs/thwarted desires
• People tend to deal with anger through
• Suppression
• Ventilation/Catharsis

22
Tips for Expressing Anger

• Verbally state the anger. (I am angry.)
• Distinguish between venting and acknowledging
  anger.
• Agree that you wont attack each other in a state
  of anger.
• Work to find the stimulus of the anger.
• You can use the X-Y-Z formula

23
Receiving Anger Well

• Acknowledge the persons feelings.
• Clarify the specific behaviors involved.
• Gauge the intensity and importance of the issue.
• Invite the person to join you in working towards
  solutions.
• Make an optimistic relational statement.

24
Some general guidelines for transforming your
conflicts

• Express caring/concern for the other person and
  their feelings
• Dont bargain over positions
• Separate the people from the problem
• Focus on interests, not positions
• Invent options for mutual gain (What can each of
  you offer?)
• Insist on using objective criteria