Planting the Seeds of Healing:

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Planting the Seeds of Healing
How Victim Advocates Can Make a Difference In The
Healing Process
Sharon A. McGee, LPC-S, LMFT, RPT
The 23rd National Symposium on Child Abuse March
21 23, 2007 Huntsville, AL
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Understanding Non-Offending Parents
Typical Reactions

• Disbelief - They do not want to believe their
  child has been abused and/or the person named
  could have abused the child.
• Shock - The NOP/family may seem unresponsive, but
  this could be due to shock.
• Denial - They want it all to just go away. They
  do not want all these people in their lives.
• Confusion - Parents of child victims are
  overwhelmed with many emotions and many
  requirements of their time and energy. They are
  navigating unfamiliar territory and they may
  often seem dazed and confused. They may ask the
  same questions over an over.
• Desperation - Parents of child victims are
  frequently desperate for information and
  understanding of the justice system and how
  things will proceed. You may receive frequent
  phone calls requesting information or clarity.
• Guilt - Most "healthy" parents feel incredible
  guilt when anything happens to their child. This
  guilt will emerge as you work with parents and
  sometimes it shows up as anger and frustration
  with you, the DA, the system and/or the
  perpetrator.

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How the Parents Response Impacts the Child

• They may become overly protective of child or too
  permissive because they feel sorry for the child.
• The non-offending father may become extremely
  angry at the perpetrator. This often causes
  problems for victims. They feel guilty and think
  their father is angry with them.
• Unintentionally blame the child
• Why didnt you tell me?
• Why did you let him (her) do that?
• Why were you over there anyway?
• What did you do?
• Children may overhear parents discussing things
  or feel responsible for the situation and/or
  parents feelings.

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Ways to Assist Families

• Form an alliance with them if possible.
• Repeat things as you talk to them. Write things
  down for them. A person in shock will not recall
  information.
• Encourage them to read relevant resource
  material.
• Refer them for counseling and explain its
  importance.
• Try to put yourself in their shoes.
• Explain the process in detail. Keep them updated
  - not knowing is very frustrating for them.
• You may receive their anger, but try not to take
  it personally.
• Learn as much about trauma as you can.
• Make sure to check with your D.A. before using
  any of this material.

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Practical Ways to Help

• Affirmation Fish Bowl
• Written handouts
• Cards and Letters
• Courage Awards
• Warm Fuzzes
• Books
• Therapeutic Stories
• Friendship Bracelets

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Parents and Helpers of Children - Resource List
Suggested Reading

• When the Bough Breaks by Matsakia
• After the Nightmare by Ovaris
• When Your Child Has Been Molested by Hagans and
  Case
• Children and Trauma A Parents Guide to Helping
  Children Heal by Monahon
• The Gift of Fear Survival Signals That Protect
  Us From Violence by Gavin De Becker
• Protecting the Gift by Gavin De Becker

Internet Resources
http//home.earthlink.net/tedb3rd/hgsi/index.htm
-- Heroes Great and Small, Inc.
Institute-Finding Words-Half a Nation by
2010 www.aboutourkids.org - The New York Child
Study Center www.casat.on.ca/handindx.htm When
Your Child Has Been Abused www.kempecenter.org -
Kempe Childrens Center www.nationalcac.org - The
National Childrens Advocacy Center www.nccev.org
- National Center for Children Exposed to
Violence at the Yale Child Study
Center www.nctsnet.org - The National Child
Traumatic Stress Network www.selfinjury.com -
SAFE Help, Treat, Prevent Stop Self Injury,
Self-Abuse, Cutting www.tearsoup.com - Grief
Watch Resources for Bereaved Families
Professional Caregivers www.tlcinstitute.org
National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children
Supplies
www.discountschoolsupply.com www.orientaltrading.
com www.ssww.com www.selfesteemshop.com
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As the old man walked along the beach at dawn, he
noticed a young man ahead of him picking up
starfish and flinging them into the surf.
Finally, catching up with the youth he asked Why
are you doing this? The answer was that the
stranded starfish would die if left until the
morning sun. But the beach goes on for miles
and there are millions of starfish, countered
the old man. How can your effort make any
difference? The young man looked at the starfish
in his hand. Tossing it safely into the sea he
replied, It makes a difference to this
one. The young man went on for some time and
finally stopped to rest. The old man had been so
intrigued by the young mans efforts he had
followed to help him. Why are you stopping to
rest there is still so much to do? Yes the
young man replied, but I must take care of
myself or else there wont be a me to make a
difference for the next one.
First stanza-Author Unknown Second stanza- Sharon
McGee
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Dont forget to put your starfish in the water.
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Sharon A. McGee, LPC, LMFT, CCS, RPT Therapeutic
Options E-mail sharonamcgee_at_aol.com