WRITING STYLE THAT SELLS

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WRITING STYLE THAT SELLS

• 10 STEPS TO A PAGE TURNER

John Winston Rainey MFA RAINEY SCRIPT CONSULTING
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WHAT IS WRITING STYLE?

• Writers voice
• Word choice
• Grammar
• Punctuation
• Format
• Presentation

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WHY GOOD WRITING STYLE IS IMPORTANT

• First thing the reader sees
• Focuses the reader
• Keeps your story front and center

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READERS RED FLAGS

• TOO MANY PAGES
• TOO MANY WORDS ON A PAGE
• IMPROPER FORMAT
• FAT PARAGRAPHS
• LONG SPEECHES
• TOO MANY CHARACTERS EARLY ON
• TYPOS/MISSPELLED WORDS
• POOR GRAMMAR PUNCTUATION

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WRITERS RED FLAGS

• PASSIVE VERBS
• HELPING VERBS
• ADVERBS
• TELLING/NOT SHOWING
• WE SEE/WE HEAR
• DOESNT
• TRIES TO STARTS TO BEGINS TO
• AS/WHILE
• YES OR NO
• CHIT-CHAT
• ON THE NOSE
• AD-LIBS
• APOSTROPHES

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SIMPLICITY

• Clever wordplay doesnt work in screenwriting.
  Only clever story-telling. Writing obscurely and
  abstrusely doesnt work. Instead, use brilliant
  story twists based in character motive. Learn to
  write simple sentences.

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HIRING A REPORTERSTORY

• The bodhisattva bovine, heavy with fatigue from
  its jaw-grinding day of harvesting fresh shoots
  of redtop and horsetail, swinging its milk-laden
  udder to and fro with its languorous gait,
  gingerly stepped its way over the sun-baked and
  deeply-rutted dirt road on the quest to relieve
  its lactate burden in the secure confines of the
  farmers dairy barn.

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AND THE WINNER IS...

• The cow crossed the road.

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ACTION VERBS

• CARRY THE STORYS VITALITY
• GIVE LIFE TO THE STORY
• MAKE IT JUMP OFF THE PAGE
• ENHANCE CHARACTER ACTION
• ENTRANCE READER INTEREST
• SAY MORE WITH LESS WORDS
• ALLOW YOU TO WRITE DOWN THE PAGE, NOT ACROSS

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. The garage door barely closes down and Jack
  is already out of the car shuffling the three
  hostages into the house.
• B. The garage door slams. Jack jumps out of the
  car...
• ...hustles the three hostages from the back
  seat...
• ...and into the house.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Jill now has the officers complete
  attention.
• B. The officer turns to Jill.

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. Jill is getting her hair done. She is
  sitting in the stylists chair staring in the
  mirror at Jane, whos cutting her hair.
• B. Jill sits in the stylists chair, stares in
  the mirror, and watches Jane cut her hair.

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EXAMPLE 4

• Jimmy is furiously hammering a spike into the
  tree.
• Jimmy pounds the spike into the tree.

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EXAMPLE 5

• She walks in an elegant fashion across the
  atrium.
• She parades across the atrium.
• She promenades across the atrium.
• She strolls across the atrium.

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PASSIVE VERBS

• DEATH! TO YOUR STORY
• STAGNATE SENTENCES
• IMMOBILIZE CHARACTERS
• PUT THE READER TO SLEEP

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. Jill is alone in the living room. Its a
  nice house.
• B. Jill caresses the satin love seat... her eyes
  peruse the vaulted beams.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Jack looks in the room. It is empty.
• B. Jack (peeks/glances/gazes) into the empty
  room.
• OR Jack scans the room crowded with Victorian
  furniture.
• OR Jack stares through the door at the concrete
  walls and bare floor.

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. Jill is at the door with bags in hand about
  to leave.
• B. Jill carries two suitcases to the door

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EXAMPLE 4

• A very isolated, deserted community - there are
  only a handful of remaining one-story dwellings.
• One-story dwellings haunt the ghost town like
  rotting teeth.

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EXAMPLE 5

• She is exhausted from the long trip.
• She sighs fatigue and leans against a tree.

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HELPING VERBS

• Weaken the primary verb
• Add needless words
• Slow down the action

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. Jill is sobbing.
• B. Jill sobs.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Jack is sitting at his desk.
• B. Jack sits at his desk.
• Hunkers
• Perches
• Poses
• Relaxes
• Rests

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. Jack and Jill are walking through the park.
• B. Jack and Jill stroll through the park.
• Amble
• Hike
• Lumber
• March
• Meander
• Plod
• Race
• Roam
• Saunter
• Shuffle
• stride

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ADVERBS

• MODIFY A GENERIC VERB
• RED FLAG THAT THE VERB COULD BE PUMPED UP
• ADD UNNECESSARY LENGTH TO YOUR SENTENCE

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. The boys cautiously enter the bedroom
• B. The boys tiptoe into the bedroom.
• Creep
• Sneak
• Steal
• Slink
• Slip
• Edge
• Inch

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Hes silently gripped by the sight.
• B. the sight grips him.

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. Jacks eyes promptly shift across the table
  to Jill.
• B. Jacks eyes shift to Jill.

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EXAMPLE 4

• A. Jack falls suddenly onto a pile of bones.
• B. Jack collapses onto a pile of bones.
  (crashes flops dives plummets slumps spills
  tumbles)

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...AND MY FAV...

• A. He silently closes his eyes.
• B. DUH.....

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GENERIC VERBS

• WALKS
• LOOKS
• SMILES
• RUNS
• EATS
• ENTERS
• SITS
• LAUGHS
• CRIES
• CLOSES
• OPENS

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ADVERBS TO AVOID

• SUDDENLY
• IMMEDIATELY
• INSTANTLY
• PROMPTLY
• DIRECTLY
• SLOWLY
• QUICKLY
• SILENTLY
• SOFTLY
• LOUDLY
• CLOSELY
• DEEPLY
• SADLY
• HAPPILY
• CAREFULLY
• CLEARLY
• nervously

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WE SEE / WE HEAR

• A screenplay represents two kinds of
  information sight and sound. All aspects of a
  screenplay -- story, character, scene, action,
  everything -- derive from these two kinds of
  information. Cut all references to the audience.
  We are not in your story. Its obvious that
  everything that you display in the description
  paragraph is something that we see or hear.

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. Jill, trying to concentrate, looks away, to a
  phone on a nearby table... and we hear the sound
  of a phone ringing.
• B. Jill looks to a phone on the table by her
  chair. It rings.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Jack studies his laptop on the kitchen
  counter, and we dont see whats on the screen
  when his hand hits ENTER.
• B. Jack studies his laptop screen... hits
  ENTER.

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. We see the birds eye-view of treetops as we
  swoop down through the trees toward a single
  neighborhood house.
• The house resides on an oak-lined suburban
  street.

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SHOW - DONT TELL

• Write in pictures and actions
• Write what we see and hear
• Avoid abstract descriptions
• Avoid describing psychological states

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. He and his words dont fit with this group
  a fish out of water.
• B. He glances around at them, shuffles his feet,
  and snorts.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Jacks been in these situations before and
  we sense he and Jill have a history.
• B. Jack nods to Jill. JACK your hairs
  different.

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. Jills worst fear is confirmed. It cant
  possibly be happening. Shes in a powerless,
  almost zombie-like state.
• B. Jill swallows hard and shudders. Her eyes
  glaze over, her chin trembles, and her limbs grow
  rigid.

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EXAMPLE 4

• Jack and Jill are in bed having sex. Its not
  really happening for Jill, but she doesnt mind.
• B. Jack plows Jill like a dog drunk on
  pheromones. Jill stares at the ceiling with a
  wan smile.

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EXAMPLE 5

• A. Jill doesnt understand. She looks at him.
  He tries to smile but knows its inappropriate.
• B. Jill cocks her head and wrinkles her brow at
  him. He forces a smile, bites his lip, and
  shrugs.

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HOW DO WE KNOW?

• Avoid writing something that the audience cant
  know by watching the movie. All information is
  visual or aural. Tell the story with action,
  dialogue, and sound.

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THINGS WE CANT KNOW

• Theyve seen this strange behavior from Jack
  before.
• Jack has more important things on his mind.
• Jack is a solitary man with few words.
• Jack walks to the other side of the room to
  overhear the conversation.
• Jack and Jill decide to stop and have lunch.
• Jack is about to go inside to a private meeting.
• Jill is afraid to contradict her husband on
  anything.

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AS / WHILE

• These words often create a situation in sentence
  structure that reverses two actions from the
  order in which they happen, or the logical
  progression of actions. Use short sentences put
  them in the order in which the action is seen on
  the screen.

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. Jill bolts upright as Jack bursts into the
  room and yells.
• B. Jack bursts into the room and screams Jill
  bolts upright.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Jack clutches his chest as Jill shoots him
  point blank.
• B. Jill shoots Jack point blank he grabs his
  chest.

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. Jack screams as Jill backs the car over his
  bike.
• B. Jill backs the car over Jacks bike Jack
  screams. OR...
• B. Jill backs the car toward Jacks bike. He
  screams.
• The wheels crush the bike.
• Jack rushes the car with a long, loud howl.

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EXAMPLE 4

• A. A police cruiser has pulled over the black
  Cadillac. Lights flash as the patrolman gets out
  and approaches the drivers side.
• B. The Cadillac sits on the shoulder. A cruiser
  idles behind it with flashers on. A COP ambles
  to the Cad.

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EXAMPLE 5

• A. Jill cringes slightly at Jacks strong
  whiskey breath as he leans over her.
• B. Jack hovers over Jill. She flinches, gasps,
  and cringes.

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DONT DO DOESNT

• Write what happens, not what doesnt happen, what
  is seen and heard, not what is not seen and
  heard. If there is no response from a character
  you show it by not having a response from that
  character. You dont have to write "no
  response." If a character "doesnt see"
  something, show what hes doing, which implies
  that hes not seeing something else.

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. Jacks doesnt respond to Jills wiseass
  remark.
• B. Jack ignores Jills remark.
• Stronger writing would show Jack in a
  non-sequitur action that leaves the remark
  hanging.
• B. Jack picks up another book and opens it.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Jack watches the door, but Jill doesnt
  appear.
• B. Jack stares at the door.

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. Its a dark and stormy night, but it doesnt
  rain.
• B. Black clouds obscure the stars. Lightning
  stabs the darkness. Thunder shakes the windows.

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EXAMPLE 4

• A. Jill opens the door. Standing outside is Jack
  from before holding a large cardboard box. Jill
  doesnt recognize him.
• B. Jill opens the door and reveals Jack holding a
  large cardboard box. JILL Yes? JACK Uh...
  Hello, Jill? JILL Who wants to know?

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TRIES TO / ATTEMPTS TO

• If a character "tries to" do something, hes not
  really doing it. Write what we see on the
  screen. We dont see a character "trying" to do
  something. We see a character in action in which
  he doesnt accomplish his intention. Show that.

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. Jill, trying to concentrate, looks away.
• B. Jill looks away.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Jack tries to get up and cant.
• B. Jack pushes up on his elbows... falls on his
  side.

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EXAMPLE 3

• A. Jack tries to make this as easy as possible
  on Jill.
• B. Jack eases Jill into a chair and pats her
  shoulder.

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STARTS TO/BEGINS TO

• Be aware of over-using these phrases.

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CHIT-CHAT

• Chit-chat is dialogue that two or more characters
  trade with each other that have nothing to do
  with the story or character development. Things
  like ordering food in a restaurant, introducing
  characters to each other, or aimless cutesy
  gibberish. You may argue that they are building a
  relationship, and I ask what does this
  conversation have to do with your story themes?

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EXAMPLE 1

• JACK Hi, Jill. Whats up?
• JILL Im just chillin, waiting for Godot.
• JACK Kewl. Can I have a beer?
• JILL Sure. Get me one, too, okay?
• JACK Okay. In the fridge, right?
• JILL Right.
• JACK Kay. Back in a sec.

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EXAMPLE 2

• WAITER Ready to order?
• DICK (to Waiter) Yes. Ill have a corned beef
  on rye with mayo, lettuce, and a pickle.
• WAITER Got it. (to Jane). And for you?
• JANE Yes. I want the fish special with rice and
  steamed vegies.
• WAITER Got it. Anything else.
• DICK Yes. Get the hell out of our scene.

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EXAMPLE 3

• SECRETARY Eve is here to see you.
• ADAM Eve?
• SECRETARY She was at the funeral.
• ADAM Oh, yes. Send her back.
• EVE Hi! Its been a long time.
• ADAM Seems like ages.
• EVE Since Abels funeral.

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EXAMPLE 4

• JACK Dick, do you know Adam?
• DICK I dont believe I do.
• JACK Adam, this is Dick. Dick, Adam.
• ADAM Hello, Dick. Nice to meet you. Jack has
  spoken highly of you.
• DICK We only get high together.
• JACK Speak for yourself, Sparky.

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YES / NO RULE

• If a character responds to another character with
  a yes or no followed by an explanation, then cut
  the "yes" or "no" and get right on with the
  explanation. The explanation implies the "yes"
  or "no" and keeps the audience more engaged.

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EXAMPLE 1

• JACK You give samples when you were in the
  joint?
• DICK yeah. Didnt you?
• DICK Didnt you?

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EXAMPLE 2

• JACK You sure hell come for me?
• DICK of course. He came for me, didnt he?
• DICK He came for me.

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EXAMPLE 3

• JACK Why dont we wake him and see?
• JILL No. You dont wanna do that.
• JILL You dont wanna do that.

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EXAMPLE 4

• That sounds like a lot to learn in one day.
• No. It was easy.
• It was easy.

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EXAMPLE 5

• They had a son Jack. Do you remember him?
• No. To tell you the truth, I didnt know they
  had any kids.
• To tell you the truth, I didnt know they had
  kids.

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ON THE NOSE

• On The Nose refers to dialogue where the
  character speaks his/her objective. An objective
  is the character's subtext in a scene. Rarely do
  characters say what their objective is. They
  speak around it in an effort to persuade the
  other character to give him/her what s/he wants.

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EXAMPLE 1

• A. Lets have sex.
• B. Id love to take you out to dinner and the
  theatre to see SEXUAL PERVERSITY IN CHICAGO,
  and maybe drinks later so we can talk and get to
  know each other better.

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EXAMPLE 2

• A. Joe, how about loaning me money for a down
  payment on a new car?
• B. Hey, Joe! Hows it goin? Got a new Beemer,
  huh? Hey, you must be rollin in the dough these
  days. Youll never believe this. My engine just
  blew up. I dont know what Im gonna do, man.

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FILM EXAMPLES

• A FEW GOOD MEN DANNY You dont have to have a
  badge on your arm to have honor.
• SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION ANDY Theres
  something inside that they cant get to hope.
  Red Hope is a dangerous thing.

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SLUG LINES - 1 CONTINUOUS AS TIME OF DAY

• Unless the characters involved move from one
  location to another, like dining room to kitchen,
  or INT. to EXT., or EXT to INT., continuing the
  scene in progress, dont use this time-of-day
  tag. In other words, use it if the same scene
  continues with the same characters in action or
  dialogue, but is moving from one adjacent
  location to another. Dont use CONTINUOUS if
  its a different scene and different characters.

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SLUG LINES 2LATER AS TIME OF DAY

• Avoid using LATER as a time-of-day tag to your
  slugs because it doesnt give an indication of
  DAY or NIGHT, which is needed by budget people.
  Its obvious that its later because it comes
  after the scene before it. Use LATER only if
  your characters stay in the same setting, but
  time passes. Then, use LATER as its own slug
  line without INT. or EXT.

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MONTAGE VS SERIES OF SHOTS

• These two concepts are often confused with each
  other and have come to be used interchangeably.
  The difference is that a MONTAGE incorporates
  more on the screen simultaneously - at least two
  or more different but related subjects which
  dissolve in and out of and onto one another. The
  opening scenes of "APOCALYPSE NOW" are an
  excellent example of a MONTAGE. For example
• MONTAGE
• 1. People run in all directions through the
  streets.
• 2. People loot stores and run with arms full of
  clothing and food.
• 3. Military police work to restore order.
• 4. Planes fly overhead.
• END OF MONTAGE
• Use double-spacing to separate each element.
  Number each element. The end of the montage must
  be indicated in capital letters isolated at the
  direction margin (END OF MONTAGE).

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SERIES OF SHOTS

• SERIES OF SHOTS is the slug line you use when you
  write a sequence of quick action-type "mini
  scenes" that serve to condense story time.
  Highlights of a sporting event culminating in a
  win for the home team would be an example.
• SERIES OF SHOTS
• 1. Adam creams the opposing quarterback.
• 2. Jack passes to Dick and Dick takes it in for a
  touchdown.
• 3. Jack kicks a field goal.
• 4. The scoreboard shows VISITORS 14 HOME 17.
• 5. The scoreboard shows the clock tick to zero.
• END SERIES OF SHOTS
• One of the major differences between a SERIES OF
  SHOTS and a MONTAGE is that a SERIES OF SHOTS
  uses the major characters and is filmed during
  the actual shooting schedule of the film. A
  MONTAGE is put together during post production in
  the editing process.

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PUNCTUATION

• Learn to use the apostrophe correctly.
• Learn the difference between possessive case and
  plural.
• Learn the proper use of commas before
  conjunctions serial comma.
• Read THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE
• Search internet for grammar sites
• Take classes at www.writersonlineworkshops.com

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PROOF-READ YOUR WORK!

• SPELLING
• GRAMMAR
• PUNCTUATION
• FORMATTING
• MAKE EVERY WORD ADD TO STORY
• CHOOSE POTENT SPECIFIC VERBS
• MAKE YOUR DIALOGUE POP
• KILL YOUR DARLINGS
• CONTINUE PROOFING UNTIL SOLD!

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• QUESTIONS?