Anyone can become angry that is easy.

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Chapter Two. Emotional Intelligence
Anyone can become angry that is easy. But to
be angry with the right person, to the right
degree, at the right time, for the right purpose,
and in the right way this is not easy.
Aristotle - Nichomachean Ethics
Is anger an appropriate emotion? Or should we
just try to ignore our emotions, as much as
possible?

• Emotional intelligence, or EQ, is
• Knowing ones emotions, being more certain about
  important life decisions
• Managing emotions effectively, being more
  resilient and balanced
• Being able to motivate ones own accomplishments
• Recognizing emotions in others, seeing social
  signals and being empathic
• Handling relationships, interacting with others

Quickly, rate yourself on these items. Whats
your EQ?
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Know yourself
A hostile samurai once challenged a Zen master to
explain the concept of heaven and hell. The
monk replied with scorn, Youre nothing but a
lout I cant waste my time with the likes of
you! His very honor attacked, the samurai
became furious, drawing his sword, and yelling,
I could kill you for your rudeness! That,
the monk calmly replied,is hell. Startled at
seeing the truth in what the master said, the
samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and
bowed, thanking the monk for his insight. And
that, said the monk, is heaven.
What does the monk mean? How does the monk show
his mastery?
Managing emotions

Once, when I was about 13, in an angry fit, I
walked out of the house, vowing I would never
return. It was a beautiful summer day, and I
walked far along lovely lanes, till gradually
the stillness and beauty calmed and soothed me,
and after some hours I returned, repentant and
almost melted. Since then, when I am angry, I do
this if I can, and find it the best cure.
What do you do when you get upset? Do you think
it is an effective strategy?
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Managing emotions Self-talk
Arya is going to give an important presentation
in this weeks Friday lunch meeting. She is very
experienced and qualified. But she had the
following thoughts while preparing I hope my
co-workers will find it interesting. I know what
they are like, and they are going to be really
critical they always are. That is the trouble
with this kind of meeting people are there just
for the socializing they dont want to listen to
all this technical detailed stuff. My research is
really complex, so it is difficult to explain in
an interesting way. And I have never been a good
presenter anyway. Friday finally arrived. In the
morning, as she is thinking about todays
schedule, she thinks This is it. The big day. I
must get it right. I cannot afford to fail. I
could lose too much if I get this wrong, then
my boss will know, and I wont get promoted. My
career would be limited, it would take years to
recover. And I know how important it is to look
good. The last thing I want to do is get a hole
in my nylons nail tears a hole. There you go
I knew it. And that was my last pair! That always
happens to me. Well, I guess this day is just
going to be a mess.
What do you notice about Aryas thinking? How
would you characterize it? If you were Arya,
what would you do? See see what thoughts you
are thinking Stop Tell yourself that you are in
control if necessary, tell yourself be quiet
or still Select Replace negative thoughts
with positive ones Give a realistic appraisal
what would be the best outcome for this
presentation? Write down some positive,
realistic outcomes for Aryas situation.
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Motivating oneself Self-assertion

• A good idea is to write statements about
  something that you want to happen in your life, a
  goal, a change. These can be imprinted into our
  minds, and can make the change happen faster.
• What needs to change?
• Write the statement according to the following
  criteria.
• Read the statement and use imagery several times
  a day in order to change your inner belief
  system.
• Make the statement about yourself, not about
  someone else. So, start the statement with I.
• Write it in a positive way.
• Use the present tense.
• Avoid comparisons to other people.
• Write it in a way that creates a picture of
  action. can is not strong enough (only
  potential). I am or I have is stronger.
• Use powerful words, using colorful words that
  make it more believable and attractive.
• Be realistic. Words like always or never are
  impossible to reach.

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Recognizing social signals Empathy
Empathy includes "the quality or process of
entering fully, through imagination, into
another's feelings or motives." Also, in Jones
(1990), it is described as insight into the
motives, feelings, and behavior of others and the
ability to communicate this understanding.
Lora Shelley, 2001 Empathy
In the fullest sense, empathy implies putting
yourself into the other person's shoes or even
getting into his or her skin so that you really
understand and feel his pain, fear, or, more
positively, his joys. The opposite of empathy
would be (in communication terms) invalidation
when someone presents an idea or feeling and it
is rejected or contradicted. Feelings of anxiety,
sorrow, fear or the like will occur and it could
be very painful for the person.

Education worthy of the name is essentially
education of character.
- Martin Buber
Do you agree with this idea? If yes, how could
it be taught? How important is character in a job?
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Role-taking helps to give insight into different
perspectives and promotes genuine
open-mindedness. When we role-play, it helps us
to think through problems more carefully, and
makes our responses more detailed, and often more
creative. It helps our thinking to be less rigid,
and more flexible, as we consider other possible
emotional and behavioral alternatives.
Customer I have a copy of my statement right
here, and as far I am concerned, the whole
thing is a mistake! Agent Are you saying of
those charges are incorrect, Mr.
Jones? Customer I want to know what gives you
the right to charge prices like that? Agent
Youre concerned about the rate of the charges?
They seem high to you? Customer Absolutely! How
can you guys charge 500 an hour? I couldnt
believe it when I got the bill? Agent Well, I
can answer that question for you, Mr. Jones, but
first I want to make sure I understand your
concern. I am sorry that you think the charges
are so high, but do you also feel that theyre
incorrect? Customer(muttering) Theyre just too
high. Agent Well, I am sorry that you feel
that way. I have a copy of your statement right
here, and I will be happy to go over each charge
individually, but I dont think I can change them
for you. Would you like me to go over them with
you? Customer No, dont bother. I just think
theyre awfully high.
How did the agent deal with the clients
anger? What did she do, and what did she NOT do?
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Dont fight back! Dont run away! Dont try to
explain! Do listen! Do find out what the client
wants! Do offer alternatives and negotiate! Do
save your clients face (ie dont
embarrass)!
Re-evaluate your previous answer. Did you
mention any of the items listed above?
What conflicts have you had before? How did you
handle those situations? What would try to do
differently now, thinking about the advice in
the box above?
Handling relationships Leadership
Leaders with high EQ tend to be characterized by
the following

• Making decisions and organizing others
• Settling arguments
• Making connections with other peoples feelings
• Being able to detect and have insights about
  others feelings and motives

Quickly, rate yourself on these items. How much
of a leader are you?
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One afternoon, on a train in the suburbs of
Tokyo, a very large drunken laborer got on the
train. He was acting crazily, screaming curses,
tried to hit a woman carrying a baby, who fell
into the laps of an elderly couple. All of the
people ran to the other side of the car. The
drunk even tried to rip out the pole in the
middle of the car. Just as the angry man was
about to lunge at someone else, somebody made a
loud and cheerful Hey! The drunk, surprised,
spun around, and saw a tiny old Japanese man,
wearing a kimono, probably in his seventies. The
old man smiled warmly at the drunk, and with a
light wave of his hand, lightly beckoned the man
to come with a gentle Cmere! The drunk
angrily strode over Why the hell should I talk
to you? Whatcha been drinking? The old man
asked, his eyes beaming. Ive been drinking
sake, and its none of your business! Oh,
thats wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I love
sake too. Every night, my wife and I warm up a
little bottle of sake, and take it out into the
garden, where we sit on a little wooden bench
and on he went, talking about his persimmon tree,
his garden, and enjoying sake in the
evening. The drunks face began to soften, and
his fists unclenched Yeah I love persimmons
too And Im sure you have a wonderful
wife. No, said the laborer, My wife died
Sobbing, he started a sad tale of losing his
wife, his home, his job, and of being ashamed of
himself. The old man invite the drunk to tell his
story, who laid down on the seat, his head in the
old mans lap.
Excerpt from Emotional Intelligence (1995,
124ff)
How did the old man show brilliant leadership in
this situation?