Sociology 352

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Sociology 352

• The Family
• May 29, 2009
• Prof. Brines

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In the Second Shift, what made husbands share the
housework?
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Two Routes to Sharing

• Some men seemed to be reacting against a model of
  distant fatherhood (often based on their memory
  of their own fathers) that they wanted to reject.
  
• Others shared not because of a conscious
  decision, but as something they drifted toward
  over time.

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Hochschild found that Involved Fathers

• differ from other fathers because they have
  cleared out cognitive room for their childrens
  needs
• Every afternoon, Art Winfield knew his son was
  waiting for him at daycare.
• Michael Sherman knew that around 6 am, one of
  his twins would call out Daddy.

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Uninvolved Fathers

• did not maintain the same, active cognitive map
  for their kids needs.
• imagined that their wives did more with the
  children than they actually did.
• Example One dad praised his wife for helping
  their daughter with reading on weekends. But the
  mom spent her weekends with housework, church,
  and visiting relatives.

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Endings How Relationships Uncouple
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Tolstoy Happy families are all alike every
unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

• To paraphrase Tolstoy Is it true that all
  unhappy couples are unhappy in their own way?
• Do couples who are experiencing turmoil in their
  relationships have unique stories that arent
  really comparable?
• Or is breaking up patterned in ways that all
  couples go through?

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Uncoupling (Vaughan, 1986)

• Vaughn asks these questions, as well as
• is breaking up a discrete event or a lengthy
  process?
• is it chaotic (as it might feel to the couple)
  or is it more orderly?

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Methodology

• Face-to-face interviews with 103 people in the
  northeastern US.
• Nearly all were separated or divorced at the time
  of interview, although a few were still with
  their partners, but considering a break up.
• Purposive sampling strategy
• Contacted people whose divorces were listed in
  the paper
• recruitment from singles groups, counseling
  centers, gay and lesbian organizations

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Vaughn finds that in couples that are
uncoupling, people take on one of two roles

• The initiator This is the person who first
  becomes dissatisfied with the relationship.
  (Vaughn finds that partners in couples almost
  never become unhappy with each other
  simultaneously).
• The partner The partner is faced with having to
  respond to the initiators discontent (once its
  revealed). As well see, s/he is structurally
  disadvantaged over and over again in his/her
  response usually involving attempts to try to
  repair the relationship

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Early stages of uncoupling

• The initiators secret
• Uncoupling begins with a secret. One of the
  partners the initiator -- begins to feel
  uncomfortable in the relationship.
• S/he is not able initially to diagnose the
  source of discomfort, however. For that reason,
  the initiator keeps quiet for a time...

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Psychologist, age 44, divorced after 12 years of
marriage

• I dont think I can be very precise about when
  an awareness began of trouble in the
  marriageThere was a two-year period when a lot
  of things in my life were changing. It was
  sometime during those two years that I had the
  first inklings of change in the relationship. It
  was very subtle. There was no confrontation
  during the two years. Just an increase in
  discomfort with a whole lot of things.

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Secrecy gives cover for the initiator to make
plans or to try to change the partner without the
latter knowing it

• I think I thought at the time when we were first
  married that there were things I didnt like.
  Maybe I should have said something then, but I
  thought theyd change, you know? Then I got so
  I how could I put this would dress her In a
  way, I suppose I tried to rebuild her, the way I
  thought she should be.
• -- Finance officer, 33, divorced after
  seven years

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These attempts to change the partner usually
fail. Why?
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• Because the initiators general unhappiness is
  still a secret, the partner doesnt realize the
  extent of the problem.
• The partners awareness goes no further than what
  s/he hears as minor complaints She doesnt like
  my friends, He says I have a problem with
  money, etc.

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Feeling no better, the initiator begins to look
for other sources of self-validation

• I decided to enroll in graduate school. It was
  as if all my life until then had been surrounded
  by mirrors that faced outward and covered me up.
  People who looked at me saw not me, but
  reflections of themselves in relation to meWhen
  I was at school, it was as if all the mirrors
  were taken away and people saw me for the first
  time.
• Teacher, 51, divorced after 26 years of
  marriage

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This redefinition of self involves building ties
to new people

• I found my friendship with her became more and
  more important. We shared so much. Yet all those
  years we were never sexually intimate. I think
  intellectual infidelity has a much more serious
  effect on a relationship than sexual infidelity.
  I can give my body to anybody and still stay in
  my relationship. But if I give my mind, Im gone.
• Office manager, 52, divorced after 26
  years