My Writing

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My Writing

• By K

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As I was growing up my life became harder and
harder. I always thought that life was meant to
be fair and just, but I learned it wasnt. My
friends changed, my features, my attitudes about
things, and life certainly changed. My grades
went from Bs and Cs to Ds and Fs, I started
feeling angry all the time, and I became annoyed
at every stupid little thing.
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My best friends became my worst enemies and my
worst enemies became my best friends. Whenever my
mom would try to teach me right from wrong I
would become infuriated with her because I didnt
want to be told what to do. I also just wanted to
get on her nerves.
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I acted as if I didnt like my sister or my
little brothers when the truth was I really loved
them.
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My friends problems became my problems, because
they would come to me and tell me all their
problems and I would give them really good
advice. They would leave with a clean conscious
and I would be left thinking about if they were
going to be ok and worrying if things would work
out.
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The trivial problems and emotions that I was
feeling became exhausting for me because I kept
them inside myself and I didnt talk about them
to anyone. By not letting anyone know what was
going on inside my head, I started becoming
miserable and depressed.
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Only I didnt know I was depressed. I thought it
was just a faze teenagers went through and that
was the way I was supposed to be. If I suppressed
it, it would go away, or that was what I thought.
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Soon I started feeling sad and mad all the time.
My mind started producing all different reactions
and ways to deal with the situation I was in.
Finally I encountered a problem that was
especially hard for me to deal with. I didnt
know how to handle it. I thought the best way to
solve the problem was to try to kill myself.
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At first they were just thoughts, but then I
tried doing them. I couldnt because I was so
scared and it hurt. It hurt because I didnt want
to hurt my mom and it hurt because I knew I was
hurting myself even more.
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• I tried killing myself more than once. It got to
  the point that I really didnt know who I was
  anymore. I would look at myself in the mirror and
  stare at myself for hours, Id gaze deeply at my
  eyes, trying to find the happy little girl I once
  was, but it was so hard. I cried for hours trying
  to find that little girl.

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There were numerous effects to being depressed.
I tried doing many things to myself, that I know
incalculable people out there have done, and some
of them might have survived, many probably did
not survive, and some who thought before they did
things. I first thought about doing self cutting,
but I didnt have any long sleeve shirts, and
people would notice. I tried drinking ammonia
(the moping liquid) mixed with orange juice. But
it smelled so atrocious and it tasted awful, so I
ended spitting it out.
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Many people didnt notice what was going on with
me, except for my mom and my teacher Mrs.
Frazier. Mrs. Frazier found a poem I had written
about my thoughts. That same day she went to my
home. To make sure I was alright and that nothing
wrong was going on with me. But of course I
denied the whole thing, and I said it was just a
poem I wrote because I was mad.
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A couple of weeks after I came out with the truth
and I told Mrs. Frazier what were happening. She
phoned my mom, and told her what was going on.
Ever since that day Ive been talking to people
more. Ive learned how to talk more about my
problems, and Ive been feeling better. Sometimes
my crazy thoughts come back. But I just ignore
them and talk to my mom. I realized that there
are people out there who do love me and care
about me.
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Now Im feeling much better. Im still going
through some issues, but I learned to talk about
them, and not keep them all to myself. For teens
who think there is no one out there that could
help you, youre wrong. Thats what I thought,
but I learned its not true. Always keep in mind
that your parents are always there for you. They
worry about you and love you very much. And if
they arent alive you can always count on a
teacher, like I did, or talk to a friend.
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THE END