Somethings Fishy

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www.missionsinterlink.org.au
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Interpersonal Relationships

• Marjory F. Foyle
• MD, BS, FRCPsych, DPM, DRCOG
• 
  
  2009

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Problems in this area are nothing new

• In Jesus presence, the disciples quarrelled over
  position in the early church.
• In the early church Christians of different
  ethnic groups quarrelled over charitable handouts.

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Major Source of Difficulty-we are all different

• Secretly we may think we are right.
• Secretly we may think we are the best.
• Differences between us threaten us by upsetting
  our organised framework

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These differences make us feel stressed, with the
following reactions-

• We become critical of others.
• We become increasingly rigid and intolerant.
• We become angry because of the differences.
• We feel envious or jealous of others.

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The secret of Coping with Differences

• Accept yourself and others are unique individuals
  whom God has created.
• Remember they may be behaving in the way they
  feel God has told them to do, so do not make
  immediate negative judgments. (Romans 14)

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Practical Implications of being different

• Physical differences
• Morning / evening people
• Monday / Friday people
• Weak / strong people
• Quick / slow people

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Practical Advice

• Do not make excuses, organise your life
• Understand the patterns of others
• Watch Monday absenteeism
• Hold important meetings midweek
• Do not frustrate each other

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Cultural differences

• Of great importance in our multiethnic societies.
• Problem is - our reactions based on
• childhood learning so we feel we are right.
• Social behaviour. Outside your own culture,
• never criticise.
• Ask what it means in their community.

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Cultural Differences

• Integration. We need to learn to live
• alongside other communities in friendship
• even while disagreeing with much of their
• thinking.
• Educational Patterns. Cultural superiority
• our own education is the best.
• Implication- ethnic groups education pattern is
  inferior. The truth may be the exact opposite.

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Cultural Differences

• Working patterns differ This may create real
• difficulty in the work place.
• Ask about their working background so that you
  understand. Help them to adapt if necessary,
  explaining that others have had difficulty here
  too.

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Cultural Differences

• Be careful about jokes about their nation of
  origin.
• Be careful of operating on national stereotypes.

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Generational Differences

• Gen X,Y, Z, Millennial, Post millennial etc.
• operate on different platforms. They are very
• Community-orientated, like to go to a clear
• and to complete it. Like to move on, major on
• personal relationship- building especially
• Church-related.

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Generational Differences

• Older generations need to recognise this and
• when long term posts remain empty not to feel
• the young are not as committed as we were.
• Things have changed!
• The young need to understand and to respect the
  achievements of the old.

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Personality Differences

• These arise because we may be
• Too similar
• Too different
• Too difficult (often due to psychological
  damage).

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Personality Differences

• The secret is to try to learn to understand and
• to accept your own and others basic
• personality structures.

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Personality Differences

• Understanding our personalities and handing
• them over to God for his work in them makes
• us their master not their slave.
• Three areas involved
• personality structure, protection and
• maturation.

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Understanding Personality Structure, Protection
and Maturity

• Personality Structure
• Personality is made up of 3 important segments
• The genes our parents gave us. These may produce
  difficult or easy personality traits.
• The environment in which the genes develop. This
  is a complicated topic since people from the most
  difficult backgrounds and families often turn out
  marvelous.

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Personality Structure

• 3. The work of the Holy Spirit within us as we
  grow in God. To facilitate this we need two
  things
• To commit ourselves to Him for His perfect will
  in and through our lives.
• To understand something of our conception and
  development as God sees them.

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Personality Structure

• Psalm 139 explains it. God was present at our
• conception and during our development.
• 1. Conception It was you who formed my inward
  parts, and knit me together in my mothers womb.
  I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully
  made. Wonderful are your works, I know that very
  well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was
  being made in secret, intricately woven in the
  depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed
  substance (vs 13-16)

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Personality Structure

• 2. Development In you book were written all the
  days that were formed for me, when none of them
  yet existed. How weighty to me are your thoughts
  O God (vs16-17).

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Personality Structure

• These verses are both a strength and a
• problem. Why does God allow tragedy to
• strike in the antenatal period? Why does God
• allow very difficult childhoods and later life
• problems?

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Personality Structure

• These tragedies are a part of the continuance
• of suffering and evil on the earth yet I do not
• believe we submit passively to Gods
• permissive will. There must be something
• actively creative emerging from the tragedy,
• although we may not understand it in this life.

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Personality Protection

• Certain in-built mechanisms protect our
• minds from overload,
• ego defence mechanisms. Usually operate
• unconsciously, but we can learn to protect
• ourselves by using some of them consciously.
• They may have a negative or a positive use.

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RegressionBehaving as if we were much younger
thanwe really are

• Unhealthy (negative) use. Can drive our
• colleagues nuts. Can originate in failure to
• mature adequately, or in illness or too much
• stress. May lead to-
• Clinging dependent behaviour
• Temper tantrums of the childish kind
• Obstinacy and rigidity

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Regression

• b. Healthy (positive) use. A holiday from
• adult life. This is essential to maintain good
• mental health.

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Displacement

• Transferring painful emotion from its place of
• origin onto another person or object. This
• new location is called the displacement
• object.
• a. Unhealthy negative use. Can cause
• interpersonal friction and a chain. May also
• result in bodily symptoms.

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Displacement

• b. Healthy positive use. Good first-aid
• treatment, used for dealing with stress-
• overload quickly. If practised regularly can
• also prevent us from becoming overloaded.
• c. Biblical displacement. We must be
• prepared to become displacement objects for
• each other. People use us to get rid of their
• own tensions.

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Repression

• Pushing things out of the conscious mind into
• the subconscious and keeping them there.
• Unhealthy (negative) use. Handling unhealthy
• emotions and unpleasant realities by pushing them
  
• into the subconscious and never examining them at
  
• all. This may have started in childhood, but can
• happen by an adult ostrich policy (it will go
  away
• if I dont think about it).

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Repression

• b. Healthy (positive) use.
• During emergencies-look at the emotions
• after the emergencies are over.
• During busy working days-pending tray.
• Prayer lists.
• NB. There is no need to unrepress
• everything. Most of it does us no harm.

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Personality Maturity

• The traditional concept explains two other
• divisions of the structure of the mind which
• influence personality maturity.
• The conscious mind. Contains all that is
• currently going on, plus memories from about
• the last ten years.

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Personality Maturity

• b. The unconscious mind contains all other
  significant memories. These important memories
  remain in a sort of a little parcel in the
  unconscious mind, which may give out some of its
  contents when something happens that kindles the
  old memories.

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Personality Maturity

• Erikson taught that personality develops in 9
• stages, starting at birth and ending when we die.
  At
• each stage we have a task to accomplish, such as
• basic trust which is learned in the first 2 years
  of life.
• He believed that if any of these development
  stages
• were severely damaged by the environment, then
• failure of learning that particular task occurred
  which
• was detrimental to our personality development.

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Personality Maturity

• No one accomplishes any of these tasks fully,
• nevertheless most of us do not have serious
• personality problem. However, the situation
• can change should we come under severe
• stress, in which case the problems of today
• may be aggravated by recurrence of older
• buried problems which have hindered personality
• maturation at that stage.

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Practical steps in coping with our own and
others personalities

• Remember that we are all different.
• If other personalities grate on us, remember ours
  
• probably grate on them too. When opportunity
  rises
• discuss it as your fault, not theirs. This opens
  doors
• to sharing and not anger. Mutual sharing of old
  loads
• and current problems may lead to longstanding
• friendship.
• In forming teams, remember that certain
• types do not mix well in the same group.

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Practical steps in coping with our own and
others personalities

• 2. Deal with longstanding negative emotions.
• These include bitterness, wrath, anger, malice,
• (Ephesians 4.31), and jealousy and envy
• (Gal 5.20).

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Practical steps in coping with our own and
others personalities

• Current negative emotions may be
• resolved by
• Thinking about why they occurred
• Confession to and forgiveness from God
• If necessary meet other persons involved. Try to
  set things right
• Take time away to relax

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The Act of Forgiveness- the Forgiveness Technique

• Make a note of the time and place you
• made this act. The emotions and thoughts will
• not go away at once, but having this as a fixed
• date in your life speeds the healing process.

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Practical steps in coping with our own and
others personalities

• Meeting other persons involved if necessary, in a
  
• spirit of love desire to set things right. This
  increases
• mutual compassion.
• Taking time away to relax form the heavy work
  load, and
• similar health giving things.
• Longstanding overloads of negative emotions may
  emerge
• in great force during current stress, and we come
  to realise
• that they are blocking our personality
  development. There is
• a helpful technique to deal with them which
  involves a
• definite act of forgiveness.

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Preliminary steps to making an act of forgiveness

• Set aside a little time, daily if possible, in
• as much detail as possible about the people
• that hurt you. Write it down if it helps. Do not
• try to dig around your mind. The Holy Spirit
• will remind you of things you should deal
• with.

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Preliminary steps to making an act of forgiveness

• Try to get into their skins and think why they
• hurt you. If the hurts were in childhood,
  remember
• that children cannot think their way into adult
  minds,
• but as adults we can. It is amazing how much
  insight
• God can give you. This starts the flow of the oil
  of
• compassion for them.

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Preliminary steps to making an act of forgiveness

• Decide if you wish to forgive them, but
• understand what forgiveness means. It implies
• forgiving the debt they owed you because
• they failed to give you what they should have
• done in childhood or later life.

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The Act of Forgiveness- the Forgiveness Technique

• Write down who you want to forgive, and why.
  Mention
• briefly every significant event.
• Write down what you have understood of their
  problems
• that made them take it out on you.
• Prepare a time and place to make an act of
  forgiveness.
• Some use the communion, preparing themselves by
  reading
• over the list before God, and then taking
  communion. Others
• use a pastor for a private healing service which
  includes a
• time of reading over the list.

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The Act of Forgiveness- the Forgiveness Technique

• Make a note of the time and place you made this
• act. The emotions and thoughts will not go away
  at
• once, but having this as a fixed date in your
  life speeds the
• healing process.
• Accept responsibility for your negative
• emotion, and ask forgiveness for yourself at the
  
• same time and place. As adults we are instructed
  not
• to harbour negative emotions yet we have done so
• till now. Get it out before God and let Him
  forgive
• you.

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The Act of Forgiveness- the Forgiveness Technique

• Such an act will not cause the memories to go
• away at once. Memories will probably remain
• but the painful emotion withers away.
• The end result. This sort of act enable the
• overload hindering our personality
• development to be removed, and helps us to
• progress toward maturity.

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www.missionsinterlink.org.au