Remodeling your Relationship

1
Remodeling your Relationship

• Basic tune ups for couples

2
Woodstock 1969

• More than three decades ago a bunch of young
  people got together looking for love and a good
  time
• Today more than ever men and women need coaching
  on how to be in good life giving relationships
• Some times we just need to grow up and realize we
  need the help of others to have the best marriage
  we can. It is a great idea as couples plan for
  their wedding day to make a plan for regular
  relational check ups for their marriage.
• Time heals all wounds - well if it does just buy
  a clock at Wal-Mart for 4.99 and tape it to your
  chest !
• Love takes work to grow like a beautiful flower
  garden. Plan on fertilizing your love
  relationship with couples groups, marriage
  seminars, watching shows of how to have a better
  marriage on TV, getting a couple who have a good
  marriage to meet with you every two months.
• Consider that as part of your marriage ceremony
  you will tell all your friends and family what
  you have built into the foundation of your
  marriage - like an insurance policy - to tend to
  your marriage as a first priority
• When we marry someone we get two suitcases. After
  all there is a two bag limit at most airlines.
  You get one bag of blessings and one bag of the
  other persons junk. Most couples avoid actually
  getting rid of their garbage and just play around
  in it for years. Do not be that couple. Decide
  today to make a plan.
• Paint only covers over scars - decide to be a
  couple who dares to become an outstanding couple
  and for that we must become unselfish and
  vulnerable. We must honor each other as we clean
  up our stuff
• Like Woodstock - people were lookin for love in
  all the wrong places - if we do not get our fears
  and hurts
• we hurt our spouse and our kids and our
  co workers

3
Talk and Listen

• A teacher who lives in Spokane Washington does a
  DVD series on relationships. One of his points
  from his own life was that when he was a small
  boy he would get questioned by his mom about his
  feelings. He would share his feelings and she
  would then feel free to tell the whole family or
  others about her sons vulnerable areas in his
  life. After this happened more than once the
  little boy recalled as an adult that he decided
  to do something about this pain from his Mommy.
  He made a vow. A vow is a belief that locks up
  our will. He said - I will never tell my mom
  anything about how I am feeling again. He decided
  women cant be trusted with your feelings. He
  stopped talking to his mom about anything but
  superficial things. Well fast forward the clock
  to 20 years later. This same little boy is
  walking down the aisle with his sweetheart. His
  vow was put on hold to gain this woman's heart.
  He allowed himself to be temporarily vulnerable.
• Months go by after the wedding and as this
  teacher said - people marry other people who are
  designed to grind. You find those spots too
  soon where you just grind on each other. You
  never deal with those places to get to the bottom
  of what is happening and separation begins to
  fill where love and trust were before.
• SOLUTION decide to get relationship coaching.
  You can do that one on one or in groups. Do not
  be proud because that does not help.
• SOLUTION Decide to be a good listener with your
  spouse. Decide to actually include feelings and
  beliefs in your conversations. Feelings are real.
  However, we must grow up in marriage. We must
  have healthy boundaries. Read books about
  healthy marriages and read them together. Learn
  how to honor each other and listen to each other
  and you talk through hard things. Do not discount
  or diminish one another.
• LISTEN - Emotionally listen to your spouse. Try
  and hear what they are sharing and ask questions.
  Be patient.

4
Noah and the boys

• There is a story in the Bible that everyone knows
  or has heard of - Noah and the Ark. God told Noah
  to go into the Ark - you and your whole family.
  In verse 7 of Chapter 7 And Noah and his sons
  and his wife and his sons wives entered the arc
  to escape the waters. So Noahs wife was not
  next to him - the kids had taken the wifes
  place.
• Now in verse 815 the flood is over and God
  speaks Then God said to Noah, Come out of the
  ark, you and your wife and your sons and their
  wives. And in verse 18 is Noah's response -
  So now Noah came out together with his sons and
  his wife and his sons wives. Here again we see
  Noah is having issues with his marriage. In
  Chapter 9 we see good old Noah blasted on wine
  embarrassing his sons and who knows where his
  wife was !
• The point whether you believe in the bible or not
  - most weddings include the following thought -
  a man shall leave his mother and father and
  become One with his wife. The idea is not to
  leave mom and dad to become a parent. That is
  second not first. When we get our life
  relationships out of order - all hell breaks
  loose. If you marry your work your life is hell.
  If you marry your kids your wife is in constant
  pain. Same true if woman puts her children before
  her husband.
• WHAT KIND OF BOAT ARE YOU GOING TO BUILD - decide
  and commit to a marriage that has bucket seats. A
  sporty car has two seats in the front - that is
  for mom and dad and kids sit in the back seat.
  Too many marriages get crippled because - kids
  take the place of the first relationship - man
  and wife not man and kids or wife and kids.
• YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN - if your mom and dad did
  what is above - forget their intimacy and live
  for the kids - guess what - you will by osmosis -
  do this again if you do not commit to change.

5
Soul Ties

• From this title you probably think you will read
  about a new silk tie for an up and coming
  executive that is really cool. You got soul
  baby. No that is not what this tip for remodeling
  your marriage relationship is about.
• SOUL TIES - when you sleep with or have sex with
  another human being - you become one flesh with
  them. You become one in your souls with that
  person. You get their two suitcases in you. You
  get their blessings and their curses. You
  spiritually inherit them. That is why people
  dream about having sex with someone who was two
  partners ago while in bed with their wife or
  husband. That is why people freak out when they
  see an X somewhere. You cant shake them. Why
  because you have become one with them. It can be
  like stepping on something in the grass and you
  cant get it off your shoe sole.
• God is not boring and he invented sex. The reason
  He told us not to sleep around is because there
  are big consequence to spiritually connecting
  with someone. You can be soul tied to someone
  with out sex. You can be enmeshed with a parent -
  you cant make it on your own - you let them too
  far into you.
• SOLUTION There are two ways to go about getting
  rid of this big dilemma. If you have a belief
  system that does not include God - you can try
  and tell yourself to spiritually be disconnected
  from this person. Ask to be unhooked and believe
  you are . Watch your thoughts and work on
  removing this person from any spiritual
  attachments. Now I cannot tell you about how hard
  or easy this is to achieve because this is not in
  my life experience. I trust you will get better
  and more free from these other people. It matters
  because we do not believe in polygamy in most
  circles in America. Yet when you have sex with 50
  people we are spiritually so disconnected and
  diverted from true Oneness with our spouse.
• The second way which I do know about is if you
  believe in the God of the BIBLE - Father, Son and
  Holy Spirit - you can ask and pray that God would
  forgive you for giving yourself away to all these
  people. If you cannot remember all of them that
  is ok too. God knows their names and their
  suitcases. Ask God to cleanse your soul from
  all attachments known or unknown, conscious or
  subconscious. Just ask God to break all soul ties
  with people you slept with - including premarital
  sex with your spouse. That is a no no too God.
  Sorry He has never changed.
• Break all soul ties with your parents - you are
  to put parents in their place when you get
  married. They go in back seat with the kids. This
  means that we must learn how to have our first
  friendship and to confide in our spouse not
  sister, brother, or mom or dad or friends.
  Marriage is a big commitment and a big change in
  the order of our life.

6
Tune Up - Oil Change

• Patterns exist in families - we can see how
  divorce can start a chain reaction in family
  lines. Children can feel rejected, abandoned,
  lacking in basic trust from the jolt of divorce.
  Children can make vows or harden their hearts to
  protect themselves.
• Story a young man I work with was talking about
  marriage. I said what do you believe about a life
  long commitment to another person. He said I do
  not believe that matters. I will try it and if it
  gets bad I will be out of there and try again.
  This is what his family taught him about
  marriage. There was adultery in his family and a
  belief system of breaking commitments when things
  get tough. I would call this covenant breaking.
  Drive by relationships. Now this young man thinks
  that this belief is his right and it just affects
  him. But is that true ?
• Looking down the road 20 years - this belief can
  cause deep pain and consequences to the partner,
  any children who will also be abandoned, to
  friends of the couple, to their family, to co
  workers. We do not live in a world of isolation.
• My spin bike teacher told a story about his
  neighbor not telling him to cut his weeds but
  turned him in to the city authorities. He said he
  was close to this neighbor he thought and why
  would they not talk to him and ask him to take
  care of the matter. Most people are not well
  skilled in conflict resolution. The spin biking
  teachers said he read a book by C S Lewis on Hell
  . He defined hell as life on earth where people
  get farther and farther from one another. Wow.
• SOLUTION examine what you believe about a life
  long commitment. Talk about fears etc. Be honest
  with your fiancé or spouse about your beliefs and
  unpack what they are together. Be honest and
  respect each other to talk through hard stuff.
• SOLUTION decide with your will that you are in
  for the long haul in your marriage. There are
  situations
• Where a parachute out is needed. But if you are
  divorced or from a divorced family - consider
  getting some coaching on where you are and how
  you could become stronger.

7
Eye Cleansing Solution

• We are taught as parents not to expose our
  children to certain kinds of movies or tv shows
  that might scare them or show them things they
  should not see. Some old fashioned adults protect
  their eyes from specific vulgarity. Blessed are
  the pure in heart for they shall see God. We wash
  our eyes with solutions to get pollution from the
  air out of our precious eyes. Why not keep the
  eyes of our heart pure.
• Statistics are that over 40 per cent of young
  boys have viewed pornography today. As concrete
  thinkers not even mentally developed never mind
  emotionally - this is a jolt to their spirit. We
  have all heard of the term - I cannot handle it -
  and so it is with teens viewing perversion.
• We spoke of soul ties and when our eyes view
  pornography we become spiritually hooked to a
  stranger. Like plaque on our teeth - enough of
  this and - wella - we can no longer connect with
  our spouse. This is not just sexually but in all
  matters of life together.
• DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT - if your partner is
  into pornography or free sex - expect trouble.
  This is cancer in a relationship. Do not marry
  someone who is doing things you would never do -
  without insisting they get free. It will be one
  of the greatest sorrows of your life.
• SOLUTION find a sex therapist. There is no
  additional shame to needing healing in the area
  of sexual addictions. All bondage is the same -
  we must work to get rid of this controlling habit
  - False intimacy can not take the place of true
  intimacy/relationships.
• CLEAN YOUR EYES - we really do have eyes in our
  heart. That sounds funny but - how we view life,
  others, God, country - is our worldview. This
  view is from our heart. Try a fast from impure
  things. A word fast from talking trash or reading
  trash. Then we can see how clean feels again.
• We do not usually again believe in polygamy.
  Pornography causes our spirit or true self to be
  divided.
• Back to the Basics - a man shall leave his mother
  and father and become one flesh with his wife.
• Lets decide to do whatever it takes to have the
  best marriage on earth. It costs a lot but it is
  worth it.