Forgiveness in marriage

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• Forgiveness in marriage

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What is forgiveness?

• It is an active decision to give up your
  perceived or actual right to get even with some
  one who has wronged you
• It is canceling a debt.
• How was the debt paid?
• It is finished tetelistai PAID IN FULL

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What does the Bible teach us about forgiveness

• Then Peter came to Him and said, Lord, how
  often shall my brother sin against me, and I
  forgive him? Up to seven times?
• Jesus said to him, I do not say to you, up to
  seven times, but up to seventy times seven
  Matthew 1821, 22

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• If indeed I have forgiven anything, I have
  forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence
  of Christ, lest Satan should take advantage of
  us for we are not ignorant of his devices 2
  Cor. 210, 11

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• Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
  For if you forgive men their trespasses, your
  heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you
  do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will
  your father forgive your trespasses Matt 612,
  14, 15

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Gods promises of forgiveness to us (4)

• 1) East-West promise, Psalm 10312
• 2) Amnesia promise , Jeremiah 3134
• 3) Stain Remover promise , Isaiah 118
• 4) Deep Sea promise , Micah 719

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Our society and marital conflicts

• Our society teaches us many ways to cope with
  marital conflicts, but forgiving is not one of
  them
• -running away from problems ? does not change
  anyone or anything
• -endless fighting ? useless
• -blaming each other ? leads nowhere
• -giving up ? depression
• -getting even ? lethal

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The consequences of refusing to forgive (3)

• 1. Refusing to forgive means that God will not
  forgive us

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• 2. Refusing to forgive means we will be tormented
• Matt. 1823-35

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•     Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a
  king who wanted to settle accounts with his
  servants. As he began the settlement, a man who
  owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.
  Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered
  that he and his wife and his children and all
  that he had be sold to repay the debt.
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•   At this the servant fell on his knees before
  him. Be patient with me, he begged, and I will
  pay back everything. The servants master took
  pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

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•     But when that servant went out, he found one
  of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred
  denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him.
  Pay back what you owe me! he demanded.
•    29 His fellow servant fell to his knees and
  begged him, Be patient with me, and I will pay
  it back.
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•   But he refused. Instead, he went off and had
  the man thrown into prison until he could pay the
  debt. When the other servants saw what had
  happened, they were outraged and went and told
  their master everything that had happened.

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•     Then the master called the servant in. You
  wicked servant, he said, I canceled all that
  debt of yours because you begged me to.
  Shouldnt you have had mercy on your fellow
  servant just as I had on you? In anger his
  master handed him over to the jailers to be
  tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
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•   This is how my heavenly Father will treat each
  of you unless you forgive your brother or sister
  from your heart.

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• What is the the torment ?
  - psychological problems, depression,
  restlessness, anger, high blood pressure, chest
  pain tension headache, upset stomach, insomnia,
  inner turmoil.
• - The ratio of my brothers debt to me vs. my
  debt to the Lord is 1 600,000

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• To forgive is to set a prisoner free and
  discover that the prisoner was you !
• Lewis B. Smedes
• When you do not forgive someone, in some way
  that person is in jail, and you are the warden.
  You are incarcerated too, because you have to
  make sure the prisoner stays there
• Kerney Franston

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• Un-forgiveness is a cancer that eats away the
  very soul of a person
• Nancy Leigh from her book
  Choosing forgiveness
• To err is human , to forgive is divine.
• The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the
  attribute of the strong.
• Mahatma Gandhi

Jesus did not forgive me
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Satan loves to put thoughts in my head to prevent
me from forgiving others

• - Im not going to just let them off the
  hook!
• - Why should I forgive? They are the ones who
  need to ask for my forgiveness
• - You dont understand what they did to me
• I am not ready to forgive yet

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• I am going to make you pay for what you did.
• I am going to get even with you.
• I will hold this against you for the rest of
  your life.
• I will give you a dose of your own medicine.
  It
  is not that big of a deal, I will just forget it

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• 3. Refusing to forgive causes us trouble and
  defiles our own spirit
• -When we dont forgive
• -we nurse a grudge
• -we are resentful, tortured by hate
• -we are imprisoned by bitterness

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• Bitterness pollutes the atmosphere of our lives
• We refuse to excuse sin or justify the sinner.
  Both judgment and salvation are Gods business.
• Our part is simply to take our offenses, hurt and
  painful memories to the Cross, and leave them
  there.

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• Forgive as the Lord forgave you Col. 313
• Forgiving others is not a suggestion, it is a
  command, ..and a good one!
• The amazing miracle of forgiving others is that
  it stops our own pain!

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Jesus did not forgive me that way

• -- I can not play the martyr role when I forgive,
• . because Jesus did not forgive me that way.
• -- I can not settle the score first before I
  forgive,
• because Jesus did not forgive me that way

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• -- I can not keep a running tally of grievances,
• because Jesus did not forgive me that
  way.
• -- I can not forgive with my lips and then bring
  it up again when I need the advantage of some
  power,
• because Jesus did not forgive me that
  way.

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• -- I can not forgive and then tell all the people
  about it,
• because Jesus did not forgive me that way.
• -- I can not go through all the motions of
  forgiveness and then harbor resentment for weeks,
  months and years,
• because Jesus did not forgive me that way.

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Ten Steps to Forgiveness

• If the experience was traumatic, such as
  childhood abuse or adultery in marriage, we may
  find forgiveness extremely difficult.
• In such cases, it helps to pray through the
  following 10 steps, one at a time.
• Personalizing each step by inserting the persons
  name, or recalling the incident or visualizing
  what is happening.

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• 1.Feel the pain, hurt, resentment, bitterness and
  hate
• Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be
  comforted Matt 54

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• 2. Submit yourself to God, recalling how Christ
  forgave you
• GO TO THE CROSS!

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• 3. Ask for Christs grace and power to forgive
• Sometimes our emotions scream I cant forgive!
  You do not understand what they did to me!
• True, but Jesus understands, and He will give us
  the grace to obey His commands.
• Ask and you will be given Luke 119

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• Two marks of a Christian
• giving and forgiving

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• In our prayers, we should ask the Lord to bring
  to our minds the names or the faces of every
  person we need to forgive, sometimes names of
  people we have forgotten for years. Some of them
  might be dead.
• The most common names to surface are mother and
  father. Then, one by one, pray this simple
  forgiveness prayer
• Lord, I forgive () for ()

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• 4. Agree to live with the unavoidable
  consequences of the other persons sins against
  you.
• Your only choice is between
• the bondage of bitterness vs.
• the freedom of forgiveness.

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• 5. Release the offense
• Tear up the debt (personal, moral and relational)
  that you feel the other person owes you.
• How to apply it concretely?

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• - Forgiveness is a gift you give to your self.
• - A former inmate of a Nazi prison camp
  was visiting a friend who shared the ordeal with
  him.
• The first person asked his friend Have you
  forgiven the Nazis ?
• Yes, the second answered.

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• The first said Well, I have not. I am still
  consumed with hatred for them.
• The second man replied
• In that case, they still have you in
  prison !

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• 6. Never bring it up as a weapon during a marital
  conflict.
• What does it mean if I bring up again forgiven
  offenses?

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• 7. Keep forgiving when
• -your emotions recycle the pain
• -when the person keeps offending you
• -- Explain the diabolical war in forgiveness.
• -- What to do then
• -James 47 Submit to God. Resist the devil
  and he will flee from you.
• -Pray the forgiveness prayer

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• - Compare between these 2 verses how are they
  different, what do they have in common?
• - Matt.523 If you bring your gift to
  the altar, and there remember that your brother
  has something against you, leave your gift there
  before the altar, and go your way. First be
  reconciled to your brother, and then come and
  offer your gift.

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• - Matt.1815
• If your brother sins against you, go and
  tell him his fault between you and him alone.

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• 8. Reject the sinful act and tolerate it no
  longer
• -God does not want you to put up with abuse, He
  does not want you to be a doormat
• -Take your stand against the sin

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• 9. Turn the vengeance over to God
• And over to Gods human authorities
• Let every soul be subject to the governing
  authorities Rom. 131

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• 10. Replace the old resentful feelings with the
  forgiving love of Christ
• -A spiritual vacuum is dangerous
• -The result of forgiveness should never be
  emptiness or defeat, but rather actions of
  overflowing love.

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Not every forgiveness is followed by
reconciliation

• Reconciliation is the process of restoring a
  broken relationship
• Example King David and his son Absalom (2 Sam
  14,15)

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What you do not have to do (3)

• 1.You do not have to feel good about the person
  who hurt you
• -either before or after you forgive

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• Forgiveness is not forgetting
• Forgiveness is an issue between you and God
• It does not put a stamp of approval on anothers
  behavior
• It does not automatically build trust
• It does not make you like someone who has hurt you

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• It simply releases the offense, and lets your
  focus on the problem, not the problem-producer

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• 2. You do no have to tell the other person about
  your resentful feelings unless the Scripture
  tells you to
• Matt 523-26 first be reconciled to your
  brother
• How do we apply that in the Liturgy, and why?

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• 3. You do not have to wait until you are ready to
  forgive
• -You can obey Gods Word right now
• -Learn how to forgive yourself
• -We also need to renounce false expectations and
  thoughts about God and agree to release any anger
  we have towards Him.

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Recommended resources

• 1)DeMoss, Nancy Leigh. Choosing forgiveness
  your journey to freedom
• 2) Kendal,Stanely R.T. Total forgiveness.
• 3) Stanely,Charles. The gift of forgiveness.
• 4) Wright,H.Norman, and Larry Renetzky. Healing
  grace for hurting people Practical steps for
  Restoring Broken Relationships.