Dealing With People You Cant Stand

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Dealing With People You Cant Stand

• How to Bring Out the Best
• in People at Their Worst

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PACRAO 2009 Session A2PresentersJulia
Pomerenk, University RegistrarWashington State
UniversityHeather A Chermak, Associate
RegistrarUniversity of Idaho
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What Well Cover Today

• Lens of Understanding
• What Part of Our Brains Are We Using?
• Communication Strategies and Tools
• Developing a Plan

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Lens of Understanding
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Normal Zone

• Get it Right
• Get it Done
• Get Along
• Get Appreciated

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Threatened Intent

• Perfection
• Control
• Approval
• Attention

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Intentions to Consider

• When the intent to get it done is thwarted,
  behavior becomes more controlling, leading people
  to become Tanks, Snipers, and Know-It-Alls.
• When the intent to get it right is thwarted,
  behavior becomes more perfectionistic, leading
  people to become Whiners, No People, and Nothing
  People.

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Intentions to Consider

• When the intent to get along is thwarted,
  behavior becomes more approval-seeking, leading
  people to become Yes People, Maybe People, and
  Nothing People.
• When the intent to get appreciation is thwarted,
  behavior becomes more attention-getting, leading
  people to become Grenades, Think-They-Know-It-Alls
  , and Snipers.

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Behaviors

• Tank
• Sniper
• Grenade
• Know it all
• Think they know it all
• Yes Person
• No Person
• Maybe Person
• Nothing Person
• Whiner

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Lens of Understanding
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What Part of Our Brains Are We Using?

• Reptilian Brain
• Limbic Systems
• Neocortex
• Prefrontal Lobes

From Volentum (Volentum.com)
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Reptilian Brain

• Characteristics
• Territorial
• Retreat to familiar
• Does not interact
• Has limited vision
• Is silent

• Responds to
• Predictability
• Repetition
• Ritual
• Rote or Routine Behavior
• Results/Success
• Relaxation

From Volentum (Volentum.com)
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Limbic System

• Characteristics
• Reaches out
• Sense of team/family
• Takes responsibility
• Interacts and bonds
• Flexible
• Creative

• Responds to
• Courage
• Fun/Smiles
• Nourishment/Caring
• Belonging
• Celebration
• Passion/Emotion

From Volentum (Volentum.com)
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Neocortex

• Characteristics
• Logical/Mathematical
• Analytical or Linear
• Organized
• Musical/Humorous
• Emotional
• Relationship Oriented

• Responds to
• External World
• Experience
• Information
• Novelty
• Change
• Words

From Volentum (Volentum.com)
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Prefrontal Lobes

• Characteristics
• Fuse emotions
• Values and goals
• Sense of purpose

• Respond to
• Purpose and Great Vision
• Futuristic Planning
• Empathy and Compassion

From Volentum (Volentum.com)
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Communication

• The word communicate appears in Websters
  dictionary between commotion and community.
• We all have experienced the commotion generated
  by poor communication, and know equally well that
  effective communication can build a community
  that withstands many of the problems in the
  workplace.
• Carol Hacker

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Blending and Redirecting

• Blending Any behavior by which you reduce
  differences and find common ground.
• Verbal
• Non-verbal
• Redirecting Using common ground and rapport to
  redirect communication to a positive outcome.

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Listen to Understand

• Understanding occurs on two levels
• Emotionally
• Intellectually
• How to listen to understand
• Blend (verbally and non-verbally)
• Backtrack
• Clarify meaning and identify positive intent
• Summarize
• Confirm you understand

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Listen Well

• The most basic and powerful way to connect to
  another person is to listen. Just listen.
  Perhaps the most important thing we ever give
  each other is our attention.
• Rachel Naomi Remen
• We have two ears and one mouth so that we can
  listen twice as much as we speak.
• Epictetus

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Speak to Be Understood

• Monitor your tone
• State your positive intent
• Tactfully interrupt interruptions
• Tell your truth
• Be ready to listen

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Speak from the Heart

• Hear and understand me.
• Even if you disagree, dont make me wrong.
• Acknowledge the greatness within me.
• Remember to look for my loving intention.
• Tell me the truth with compassion.
• Hyler Bracey

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Develop a PlanChange your Attitude

• Change your reactions
• Pretend to be someone famous
• Change your perspective
• Dis-associate
• Change the way you talk to yourself
• Be positive

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Consider Other Possibilities

• How Fascinating!
• Tell me more about that . . .
• Remember Rule 6.
• Set yourself and the situation in a larger
  setting.
• Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander

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Questions?
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Thank you

• Enjoy the rest of the conference!