Dealing%20with%20Difficult%20People

1
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS


2
Dealing with Difficult People
3
Have you met this person?
4
True or FalseMost people dont consider
themselves difficult.
5
Whats the point?

• These people are everywhere you cannot avoid
  them entirely.
• Unfortunately, they often hold positions of
  power.
• Give them the chance, and they will make you
  miserable.
• You cant change them, but you can change the way
  you react to them.
• Changing how you react to these people will
  improve the quality of your life.

6
Objectives

• Today's Training Objectives
• Identify common behaviours difficult people
  exhibit
• Describe feelings these behaviours often elicit
  in others
• Specify behaviours these feelings typically
  elicit, and
• Discuss practical ways for minimising the
  disruptive impact these people have on your life.

7
What are the factors that make people
difficult?
8
Difficult People Take 5 minutes in your
groups to brainstorm 1 or 2 examples in each of
these categories
9
What makes people difficult?

1. Someone wants something you cant give them
2. Someone wants something you wont give them
3. Someone refuses to listen

10
What makes people difficult?

• 4. Someone makes threats is disruptive abusive
  
• 5. Someone violates rules or commits an illegal
  act
• 6. Someone takes a problem to the wrong individual

11
Typical Behaviours that difficult people exhibit?

• They are insensitive and demanding.
• They are aggressive and hostile.
• They are vulgar and insulting.
• They are hateful, arrogant and demeaning.
• They are rude and uncivilised.

• They are unresponsive and irresponsible.
• They are dishonest and conniving.
• They are uncooperative.
• They are sensitive, suspicious and intent on
  blaming someone else.
• They are stupid and ignorant and blissfully
  unaware of it.

12
Confronted with such behaviour, how do we
sometimes feel?

• Angry
• Resentful
• Helpless
• Hopeless
• Worthless
• Frightened
• Intimidated
• Annoyed
• Revengeful
• Overwhelmed

• Hostile
• Inferior
• Threatened
• Hurt
• Insulted
• Frustrated
• Used
• Hateful
• Etc.

13
How might these feelings incline us to behave?

• Withdraw
• Nag
• Argue
• Give up
• Explain
• Talk behind others backs
• Ruminate
• Gossip
• Try harder to please
• Plot revenge
• And so on

14
How do you define conflict?

• What words come to your mind when you hear the
  word conflict?

frustrated uncomfortable stressful
friction tired distracting
obstacle unfortunate
unavoidable challenging directly
flexible inevitable human
politics necessary
15
What is conflict?

• When two or more people do not share the same
  beliefs, interests, or goals
• Conflict is natural and inevitable
• Conflict is uncomfortable and stressful
• The goal of conflict resolution is not to
  eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to
  handle it constructively

16
Why are people difficult?

• Feeling thwarted or threatened
• Exceptional levels of stress
• Your reactions to their difficult behaviour which
  reinforces the behaviour by increasing the stress
  they already feel
• Learned behaviour (getting their way)
• Inflexibility (on both sides)

17
What can you do about it?

• You cant change other people
• Learn to appreciate and draw upon the different
  strengths of difficult people
• Focus on coping with difficult behaviour
  (adapting to other communication styles)

18
What are some effective behavioural strategies
for dealing with difficult people?

• Label them.
• Neutralise them.
• Understand them.
• Accept them.
• Inform them.
• Involve them.
• Ignore them.
• Convert them.
• Avoid them.
• Expose them.

• Circumvent them.
• Use them.
• Persuade them.
• Confront them.
• Rehabilitate them.
• Discourage them.
• Ridicule them.
• Isolate them.
• Punish them.
• Fire them.

19
Label them.

• Why should I?
• Acknowledges they are different
• Recognises their need to be managed, not
  befriended
• Initiates the management process
• Minimises your unrealistic expectations
• Reminds you to become emotionally detached
• Signals need to reach for suitable tools
• Legitimises others perceptions
• Forces you to take personal responsibility

• How can I?
• Remain sensitive to your own emotional arousal.
• Recognise the need to choke off your emotional
  arousal.
• Imagine a sticky note labeled, A Real Nut
  attached to their foreheads.
• View them as impaired (they are).
• Pity them.
• Concentrate on observing their behaviour.
• Reflect on why someone might behave so
  unproductivelyas a distraction, not as their
  therapist.

20
Neutralise them.

• Why should I?
• Removes incendiary behaviour from an emotionally
  flammable environment
• Minimises their desired responsefear and
  withdrawal
• Starves their fire
• Limits emotional contagion
• Protects more vulnerable personalities
• Minimises workplace disruption
• Takes initiative away from social miscreant

• How can I?
• Take notes.
• Avoid eye contact.
• Act sleepy and bored.
• Comment on their emotional arousal.
• Ask them why they are repeating themselves.
• Ask them what constructive things they have
  tried.
• Ask them what they want you to do.
• Warn them, then hang up the phone.

21
Confront them.

• Why should I?
• Challenges others tolerance
• Worries those who collude with misbehavers
• Disrupts usual response patterns
• Signals whos in charge
• Provides relief from feelings of helplessness
• Gives prior victims hope
• Reaffirms your commitment to organisations
  stated values
• Encourages others to take the same vigorous
  action

• How can I?
• Document their behaviour.
• Ignore suspected motives, but record behaviour in
  descriptive detail.
• Focus on patterns instead of isolated
  occurrences.
• Line up witnesses.
• Give emotions time to dissipate.
• Nail down the support you need.
• Confront in love and respect.
• Refuse to be distracted.
• Attach consequences and describe next steps.
• Deliver on your promises.

22
10 Common Difficult behaviours

• Sherman Tanks
• Snipers
• Exploders
• Know-it-all Experts
• Think-they-know-it-all

• Super-Agreeables
• Indecisives
• Unresponsives
• Negativists
• Complainers

23
Sherman Tanks

• Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt,
  intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational
• Feel strong need to prove that their view of the
  world is always right
• Get irritated or angry if sense resistance
• See tasks as clear and concrete
• Value assertiveness and confidence

24
Snipers

• Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to
  make you look foolish in groups
• Hides behind crowds and social constraints
• Often very witty
• Share Tanks strong sense of how others should
  act but is often unrealistic
• Can turn into a Tank if exposed

25
Exploders

• Adult tantrum, rage barely under control
• When person feels thwarted and threatened
• May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream
• Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming
• Creates highest amount of resentment among others
  of all behaviours

26
Know-it-all Experts

• Highly productive, thorough and accurate
  thinkers, careful planners
• Believe facts and knowledge provide stability
  answers lie within themselves
• Low tolerance for correction/contradiction
• Condescending, dont wait for others to catch up
  to their thought process or seek input from
  others

27
Think-they-know-it-alls

• Seek the admiration and respect of others by
  trying to act like experts when they are not
• Dont always know they are not experts
• Curious people like to learn a little about a
  lot of things

28
Super-Agreeables

• Want to be liked and loved by everyone
• Make others feel liked and approved of
• Tell you things that are satisfying to hear
• Often use humor to ease conversation
• Say Yes to everything but often dont deliver
  because they are over-committed
• Can secretly be resentful of doing so much

29
Indecisives

• Put off making important decisions because they
  dont want to hurt anyone
• Have high standards
• Strive to help people
• Usually stall until the decision is made

30
Unresponsives

• Close down, even when asked direct question
  (answer yes, no, I dont know)
• Clam up when you need a response or expect
  conversation
• Difficult to determine why they are silent

31
Complainers

• Find fault with everything, complain constantly,
  accusatory, prescriptive
• Feel someone should be doing something but feel
  helpless to take action
• Have distinct idea of what should be done
• Usually is some truth to their complaints

32
Negativists

• Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have
  little power over their lives
• Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers
• Bring others down quickly
• Say Weve tried this before or That wont
  work without looking for solutions

33

• If civilization is to survive, we must
  cultivate the science of human relationships--the
  ability of all people, of all kinds, to live
  together, in the same world at peace.
• --- Franklin D.
  Roosevelt

34
Acknowledge Positive Intent

• FOCUS ON TASKS
• Control (to get the job done)
• Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
• Perfection (to get it right)
• Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives

35
Acknowledge Positive Intent

• FOCUS ON PEOPLE
• Approval Seeking (to get along)
• Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
• Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
• Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers

36
10 Coping Methods

• Sherman Tanks
• Snipers
• Exploders
• Know-it-all Experts
• Think-they-know-it-all

• Super-Agreeables
• Indecisives
• Unresponsives
• Negativists
• Complainers

37
Sherman Tanks
Get it done

• Stand up for yourself without fighting
• Give them time to run down
• Dont worry about being polite, just get in
• Get their attention, carefully
• Get them to sit down
• Speak from your own point of view
• Avoid a head-on fight
• Be ready to be friendly

38
Snipers
Get it done
Get appreciated

• Surface the attack immediately
• Give the sniper an out (ask questions)
• Seek group confirmation or denial of the snipers
  criticism
• Move on to solve any problems uncovered

39
Exploders
Get appreciated

• Give them time to run down
• Show that you take them seriously
• Interrupt the interaction

40
Know-it-all Experts
Get it done

• Do your homework
• Listen and acknowledge
• Question firmly, but dont confront
• Ask extensional questions to get details
• Acknowledge their competence
• Make time for reflection
• As last resort, let them be the expert

41
Think-they-know-it-alls
Get appreciated

• State the facts as an alternative version
• Give them a way out

42
Super-agreeables

• Make honestly non-threatening
• Be personal - when you can
• Listen to their humor
• Be prepared to compromise

Get along
43
Indecisives
Get along

• Establish a comfort zone
• Surface the issues
• Help them problem solve (make decision)
• Reassure after decision is made
• Strengthen the relationship

44
Unresponsives
Get it right

• Ask open-ended questions
• Use the friendly, silent stare
• Dont fill the space
• Comment on whats happening
• If clam opens up, listen rather than talk
• If clam stays closed, terminate meeting and
  reschedule

45
Negativists
Get it right

• Avoid getting drawn in
• State your own realistic optimism
• Dont argue
• Dont rush into proposing solutions
• Set a horror floor
• Use comments to make decisions
• Be ready to take action on your own

46
Complainers
Get it right

• Listen attentively to their complaints
• Acknowledge what they say
• Be prepared to interrupt to acknowledge
• Dont agree or apologise
• State the facts without comment and apology
• Move quickly into problem solving

47

• The person who grabs the cat by the tail
  learns about 44 percent faster than the one just
  watching.
• ---
  Mark Twain

48
Acknowledge Positive Intent

• Control (to get the job done)
• Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
• Perfection (to get it right)
• Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives
• Approval Seeking (to get along)
• Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
• Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
• Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers

49
Basic Strategy (time to think)

• Describe the behaviour in detail
• Write down your understanding of behaviour
• Review your interaction with this person (what
  worked and didnt work)
• Choose the proper coping behaviour
• What do you need to learn and practice
• Create an action plan and follow through

50
Basic Strategy (on the spot)

• Determine positive intent/valued criteria
• Listen (but stop destructive behaviour)
• Summarise (length depends on behaviour)
• Clarify questions to collect details

51
Basic Strategy (on the spot)

• Speak to be heard
• State your positive intent
• Tell your story from your point of view
• Dont damage the relationship, if possible

52
Conclusion

• Coping with difficult people is never easy and
  hardly ever fun
• Getting along with other people, even the
  difficult ones, is as important a skill for us as
  good writing and Java scripting

53
Conclusion

• Practice coping techniques in safe situations
• Avoid attributing internal motives to behaviour
  assume good intentions
• Remember that everybody is somebodys difficult
  person at least some of the time

54
Recommended Books

• Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People.
  Dell Publishing. New York 1981.
• Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People
  Styles at Work. American Management Association.
  New York 1996
• Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With
  People You Cant Stand. R.R. Donnelley Sons.
  New York 1994.

55
Dos Of Resolving Conflict

• Use key communication principles
• -Face to Face, Telephone, Email, Etc.
• Be positive and patient
• Focus on the problem, NOT the person
• Keep an open mind

56
More Dos

• Explore all alternatives for resolving the
  conflict
• Try to understand the other persons point of
  view
• Seek the other persons ideas
• End on a positive note

57
Donts Of Resolving Conflict

• Pre-judge people
• Assume you have all the facts
• Focus on the other persons attitude,
  personality, or presumed motive
• Meet practical needs at the expense of personal
  needs

58
Donts Of Resolving Conflict

• React immediately on emotional high
• React - respond
• Take it personally
• Cut the other person off
• Disrespect the other person
• Raise your voice

59
Conclusion

• Maintain or enhance self-esteem
• Listen and respond with empathy
• Ask for their help
• Encourage their involvement
• Make it a win/win for both sides