CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

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CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

• Zaid B. Malik, MD
• Asst. Residency Training Director
• Medical Director, PYA
• Director CL Service, ACH

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INTRODUCTION

• Recent demographic trends indicate that
  approximately one-half of marriages in the United
  States end in divorce, with increasing numbers of
  children living with an unmarried or single
  parent .

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• Approximately one-third of American children will
  experience significant family instability and
  grow up living with only one parent, especially
  if they are poor and minority children

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The Impact of Divorce on Children

• While some parents may think or hope that their
  conflicting or untoward behavior may have little
  impact on the child, our clinical experience with
  these children reveals the heartfelt sensitivity
  and anguish that the child may feel.

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Example

• one 5-year-old boy when discussing with the child
  custody evaluator his experience in his family,
  apprehensively stated, My parents are having a
  tug of war and I am the rope. An 8-year-old
  girl, after overhearing part of her mother's
  angry telephone exchange with her father,
  anxiously asked her mother, Do you hate the part
  of me that is Daddy?

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• Psychological risk to be at approximately two
  times greater for children of divorce families as
  compared to children from intact families.
• About 10 of children in married families had
  serious psychological and social problems
  compared to 2025 of children from divorced
  families

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Short- and long-term effects of divorce on
children

• The initial period of separation is immensely
  stressful for the majority of children and
  adolescents, partially due to the fact that most
  children are uninformed by their parents about
  the separation or divorce

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• A large number of children are unprepared for
  their parents' separation and react with an
  acute, intense sense of shock, disbelief,
  distress, sorrow, anxiety, and anger

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Developmental factors

• Preschool children can experience regression,
  intensified anxiety, fears and neediness, sleep
  disturbances, and increased aggression.
• Middle schoolaged children may experience
  anxiety, loneliness, and a sense of
  powerlessness. They may also struggle with
  feelings of responsibility for the divorce,
  conflicts of loyalty between the parents, and
  have fantasies of reconciliation. Their school
  performance and peer relationships may also be
  negatively affected.

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• Adolescents may experience acute depression,
  intense anger, and anxiety about their own future
  relationships. They may also withdraw socially
  and accelerate their separation and individuation
  process from the family.

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Important To Remember

• This acute response diminishes or disappears over
  a period of 1 to 2 years.
• Interestingly, the initial responses of children
  do not necessarily predict the longer term
  consequences for psychosocial adjustment .

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Longer term consequences

• Children of divorce are significantly more likely
  to have externalizing problems such as conduct
  disorder and antisocial behaviors, relationship
  problems with peers, parents and authority
  figures, academic problems, and internalizing
  symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and low
  selfesteem

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• Other potentially long-term negative effects of
  divorce include a significant decline in the
  economic stability of their family and the loss
  of important relationships with close friends and
  extended family members, including nonresident
  parents, who are typically the fathers. As young
  adults, these children are at risk for weaker
  marital relationships, earlier pregnancies and
  lower socioeconomic attainment

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• The psychological impact of the divorce on any
  individual child is dependent on a number of risk
  and protective factors

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• High levels of interparental conflict whether in
  the conflict of the marriage or in high conflict
  divorce situations appear to have an especially
  negative influence on the psychological
  adjustment of children

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• Protective factors include a good relationship
  with at least one parent or caregiver, parental
  warmth, and the support of siblings and peers

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• Interparental conflict, the psychological health
  of the parents, and the quality of the
  parentchild relationships appear to be among the
  most important predictors of a child's adjustment
  to divorce

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A Role for Child Psychiatry and Allied
Disciplines

• In this regard, the knowledge of how divorce
  affects children and parents should be
  disseminated not only among mental health
  professionals but also among other professionals
  who work with children

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• Teachers, for example, need to be alerted to
  these findings so they can be sensitive to any
  changes in children's behavior and offer them and
  their parents support and counsel about ways they
  can cope with the changes in their lives.

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• Psychological support for parents and children
  should be made available immediately when the
  divorce proceedings begin.

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Do's And Don'ts

• The Do's
•        Do love your children as much as
  possibleShow them your love through words and
  actions. 
•        Do tell your children divorce is not
  their faultTell your children this repeatedly,
  they need to hear it more than once. 
•        Do reassure your children that they will
  be safeAnd let them know both parents will
  continue to provide for them to the best of their
  ability.

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•       Do let your children know it is okay to
  love both Mom and Dad as they did before the
  divorceLet kids know the love they have for both
  parents doesn't have to change. 
•        Do support your children's relationship
  with their other parent.Inform the other parent
  of special events, school functions or
  extracurricular activities whenever possible. 
•        Do listen to your children.Honor their
  feelings without judging, fixing or trying to
  change how they feel. Remember, your children's'
  feelings don't have to reflect your feelings

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•        Do let children know it is okay to
  express those feelings.Remember your children
  will need help learning safe and healthy ways to
  express their feelings. Be sure to provide them
  with appropriate options. 
•        Do reinforce that children are members of
  two homes.Children should not be made to feel
  guilty or as if they have to choose  which is
  their "real" or "better" home. 
•        Do help children feel like they have a
  home with both parents regardless of the amount
  of time spent with each parent.Make sure
  children feel they have a place in each home that
  belongs to them even if it is only a section of a
  room. Giving children the opportunity to offer
  input or add their own touches to their space can
  be helpful.

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•        Do provide your children with discipline,
  as well as love.Children still need parents to
  provide structure and limits especially during
  difficult times.

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• Don'ts
•        Don't badmouth, judge or criticize your
  child's other parent.Children literally view
  themselves as half Mom and half Dad therefore
  when you attack the other parent you attack your
  child. This rule also applies to stepparents and
  other significant adults in your child's life. 
•        Don't expose your children to divorce
  details.Rarely is it ever in the best interest
  of children to be exposed to information
  regarding court matters, child support, financial
  concerns or intimate details regarding your
  divorce Typically children feel very confused and
  caught in the middle when parents expose them to
  adult issues.

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•        Don't use your children as messengers or
  spies.Be responsible for finding some way to
  communicate with your ex-spouse. 
•        Don't retaliate when the other parent
  says or does damaging things.Retaliation or
  giving children "your side of the story"
  continues the cycle of children feeling very
  confused and caught between mom and dad. Instead
  choose to be supportive of your children by using
  statements such as "I'm sorry you had to hear
  that" or " How do you feel when this happens?" 

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•        Don't make your children responsible for
  making adult decisions.Children should not be
  place in the position of deciding parenting
  schedules, where they will live or how to handle
  household matters. 
•        Don't allow your children to become your
  best friends or confidants.Children should not
  feel responsible for their parent's emotional
  well being. Make sure you develop a supportive
  network and find other caring adults to share
  your feelings with about the divorce. 

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•        Don't place blame when children ask why
  the divorce happened.Children should not be
  placed in the position of judging or taking
  sides. 
•        Don't withhold visitation if child
  support is unpaid or fail to pay child support if
  the other parent is withholding visitation.Both
  actions are illegal and are viewed as separate
  issues by the court.

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•        Don't try to buy your child's love or out
  buy the other parent.While children enjoy gifts,
  they will remember you for how you cherished them
  not for the material things you bought them.
•   Don't lose your sense of humor.  It comes in
  handy during stressful times

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How to Help Your Children

• If possible, have both parents present when
  telling children about the divorce.Discuss what
  you will tell children before hand. Also, keep
  explanations simple and avoid placing blame. Use
  general statements such as Mom and Dad can't live
  together anymore or Mom and Dad have decided we
  would be happier living in different homes.

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• Tell your children that the divorce is not their
  fault.Children need to understand the decision
  to divorce had nothing to do with  them or their
  behavior. Further kids should be told there is
  nothing they can do to change what is happening
  in the family nor is it their responsibility to
  fix the family.

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• Tell your children that you love them. Make sure
  they understand the love shared between a parent
  and child and is different than the love shared
  between a husband and wife. Kids need to know
  that the love you have for them will last forever

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• Reinforce it is okay to love both Mom and
  Dad.Children should not feel they have to take
  sides or worry about losing the love of either
  parent.

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• Give children details regarding how life will
  change.Answer questions such as where they will
  live and with whom, when they will see each
  parent, where will the other parent be, how they
  can contact either parent, school arrangements,
  involvement in activities etc.

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• Tell children both parents will continue to be a
  part of their lives.Let children know what the
  parenting schedule will be and how they can reach
  each parent. Inform children that they can
  contact either parent when they feel they need to
  talk with that parent. Also, if one parent
  chooses not to be involved in a child's life, it
  is best not to be dishonest with your child or
  misrepresent the truth.

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• Minimize changes in your children's lives as much
  as possible.Such as neighborhood, friends,
  school, activities and contact with extended
  family members.

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• Inform school and teachers about changes in the
  family. Provide school with necessary
  information regarding the divorce such as who
  will be the primary contact, changes in emergency
  numbers, who will pick children up and when.
  Respect your children and remember to be discrete
  about details. This will also help you steer
  clear of the temptation to drag others into the
  drama of your divorce.

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Forging ahead...

• Continue to show your children you love them
  through both words and actions.
• While you may tell your children with your words
  that you love them they will need you to back it
  up with action.  As much as possible be a parent
  who follows through with commitments and is true
  to their word.

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• Listen to your children.Support their right to
  have feelings about what is happening in their
  lives. Help your children find safe and healthy
  ways to express these feelings. Role model
  appropriate ways to deal with feelings.Find
  healthy ways to deal with you feelings and help
  your children develop safe ways to process their
  own feelings.

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• Re-establish a sense of security by providing
  structure, consistency as well as, lots of
  love.Children will wonder about the possibility
  of being divorced/abandoned by a parent (i.e. Are
  you going to leave me like you left each other?).
  Therefore keeping your word with children and
  following through with plans, as well as,
  promises are very important. Bottom line, don't
  just talk the talk you also need to walk the
  walk.

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• Support your child's relationship with their
  other parent.Children need a relationship with
  both of their parents. Remember, while a person
  may not be a good marriage partner, they can
  still be an excellent parent.

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• Work on re-establishing a sense of family.
  Develop new family traditions, rituals or
  activities such as creating special ways to spend
  the holidays, getting a family portrait or
  planning a weekly  family dinner night.

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