1-2-3 Magic

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1-2-3 Magic

• By
• Dr. Thomas Phelan

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The program must be used exactly as described.

• For 2-12 year olds (must consider development
  level)
• Simple
• Practical
• effective

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Two Types of Behaviors

• Stop Behaviors- obnoxious behaviors (arguing,
  whining, tantrums, etc.)
• Start Behaviors- positive behaviors (cleaning
  room, going to bed, brushing teeth, sharing, etc.)

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Parents Biggest Mistakes

• Little Adult Assumption (reasonable, unselfish,
  sympathetic)
• Too Much Talking (Words)
• Too Much Emotion (Reasoning)
• Typical Pattern talk-persuade-argue-yell-hit
• Why? Kids feel inferior-they can make a big
  Splash

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Wild Animal Trainer

• Choose an effective method and repeat it
• Train-do not persuade
• Consequent the stop behaviors
• Reinforce the start behaviors
• There are times when words, reasoning
  communication are appropriate.
• Dictatorship- Democracy

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Rules

• No Emotion Rule
• (get upset child will continue)
• No Talk Rule
• (no negotiation)

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Starting the Program

• Goal- to stop the unwanted behaviors like
  arguing, whining, demanding, etc.
• All caregivers must use it
• Explain it to the child before you start

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How it Works

• 1) Give a physical and verbal warning-hold up one
  finger and say, childs name Thats one. wait
  a few seconds depending on the age. If the child
  stops, thats fine, if not proceed.
• 2) Give second verbal and visual warning-hold up
  two fingers and say, Thats two. If the child
  stops, thats great, if not, proceed.
• 3) Hold up three fingers and say, Thats
  three-go to time out.

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Time outs

• One minute per year of age- depends on childs
  developmental level.
• Time outs may be in the childs bedroom or a
  specified place in the house, away from others.
• When the child comes out, act as if nothing
  happened-no lectures. With younger kids, use the
  moment to teach.
• Serious offences go right to time-out.

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Common mistakes when counting

• Parents talking too much-persuading
• Parents getting too upset-too much emotion
• Not keeping it up long enough-inconsistent
• Getting sidetracked by the childs testing or
  manipulation

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Responses from Kids

• Immediate
• Delayed
• Should see results in 7-10 days
• Some kids will get worse before better
• With repeated use, kids will start responding on
  1 or 2

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Testing Manipulation

• Two Reasons
• 1) to get what they want (if it works for them,
  they will continue)
• To get revenge (you frustrated them and they are
  going to get you back- if you get frustrated,
  then they have won)

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Testing

• Badgering- why not?
• Intimidation- name calling
• Threat- run away
• Martyrdom- pouting/crying
• Butter-up
• Physical-hitting, kicking, etc.

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Testing

• If your child has a favorite tactic, it is
  probably working
• If they are using all the tactics, they are
  fishing for your weakness
• Count these behaviors
• You can ignore passive pouting or butter-up,
  unless it becomes aggressive, then count

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Remember

• Youre the boss- dont get baited into an
  argument- Just Count!
• Give one explanation
• No extra talk
• No emotion
• Your authority is not negotiable

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Choose Your Battles

• In the beginning- Count all stop behaviors,
  until kids internalize the program, then you may
  want to ignore some
• The consequence is short sweet- should not
  cause war or revenge
• It is forgotten afterwards- no hard feelings

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Frequently Asked Questions

• Will my child hate his/her room? The power comes
  from the interruption in the childs activity.
  Less chance of hating room if theres no yelling
  before. Child can play in room, but no T.V.,
  video games, phone, friend, etc.
• In front of others? Yes, do it as if alone.

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Questions

• In Public? Count as usual. Get it going strong
  at home first before trying in public.Use cart,
  corner of store, washroom, car, for time-out. Do
  not talk to the child while in time-out.
  Bribery- define good behavior- If I dont have
  to count to 3, then you get a treat.

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Questions

• Car? 1-2-3 No talk or pull car off road. For
  long trips plan ahead a reward system.
• Wont go to room? Younger kids may have to be
  carried. Older kids- reverse time-out- parent
  removes themselves from room and doesnt talk for
  specific amount of time, take away allowance or
  privileges.

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Questions

• Wont stay in room? If they stay in the room,
  dont have to shut door. If they come out, may
  have to hold door or hold younger child if out of
  control. Remember-no emotion. Let the child know
  you will let go when they can control themselves.

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Questions

• Wont come out? Let them know the time is up.
  Use kitchen timer-place where they can hear bell
  if possible.
• On phone? Hold fingers up to count.
• Self-esteem? Doesnt hurt like yelling.
• Room Wrecker? Remove valuables, dont clean room
  for child, dont be afraid to count in the future.

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Questions

• Sibling Rivalry? Count both kids, unless one is
  the obvious aggressor. Dont count if you didnt
  se it or hear it. Don't use same room for time
  out. Dont expect the older child to be more
  mature- you stack the deck for the younger child.
  Dont ask the dumb question, Who started it?

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Questions

• Tantrums? Count-time out begins when they are
  quiet.
• Pouting? Ignore unless it becomes aggressive.

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Positive Start Behaviors

• Catch them being good. Twice as many positive
  statements about behavior as negative.
• Teach or be quiet. Teaching doesnt involve
  nagging or yelling.

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Tactics

• PVF-Positive Verbal Feedback- do it randomly so
  child doesnt come to expect it
• Use a timer to get things done-beat clock
• Charting-stickers, etc. combine with praise
• If_____,then____. Statements
• Extra privileges or removal of privileges

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Consequences

• Have pre-determined consequences for behaviors.
• Logical- related to the behavior
• Natural- happens naturally without parent
• Go right to 3 for big offenses