Reviewing:

1
Reviewing

• Evaluating an Essay Draft
• and
• Revising Verbose Sentences

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For today

• Well evaluate the organization and content of a
  sample 5-paragraph essay.
• Well also experiment with revising several
  sample sentences, to make them shorter and easier
  to read.

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Sample Essay

• Well consider the following aspects of the
  sample essay
• Introduction
• Thesis statement
• Topic sentences
• Paragraph development
• Paragraph order

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• 1. Since their beginning in 1896, the Olympic
  Games have been the gold standard of athletic
  prowess Olympic competitors are the best in the
  world, and no trophy compares with an Olympic
  gold medal. Increasingly, however, the athletic
  competitions have been matched, if not
  overshadowed, by the fierce competitions between
  cities and nations vying to host the Games. So
  much money and prestige is at stake in the
  Olympics that the phenomenon has been given a
  name the Olympic Effect. Principally an economic
  force capable of affecting the business climate
  of the host community for years before, during,
  and after the Games, the Olympic Effect can also
  exert a powerful influence on the environment and
  society of the host community.
• Qa Does the intro set the stage? Is there a
  strong thesis? Is the thesis itemized, so that
  the reader knows what to expect in the following
  discussion?

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• 2. Preparations for the Games generally include
  vast investments not only in the stadiums,
  tracks, and other sports venues for the Games
  themselves, but also in local highways, hotels,
  and airports. Thousands of jobs are created and
  billions of dollars are spent Australia spent
  2.1 billion for the Sydney Games in 2000, and
  Greece at least 11 billion only four years
  later. Long-term effects are generally positive,
  as the Games tend to improve the international
  image of the host city tourism experiences the
  greatest benefit, though few thorough studies
  have quantified this effect. On the other hand,
  during the event, the region hosting the Games
  may actually experience a drop in tourism and
  retail income, as people try to avoid the crowds,
  traffic, and price hikes they expect to find in
  the host city. Some Utah ski resort operators
  experienced a twenty to thirty percent drop in
  visitors during the Salt Lake City Games.
• Qb Is the topic sentence general enough to
  include all material discussed in the paragraph?
  If not, what should a better topic sentence say
  about the paragraph?

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• 2. Preparations for the Games generally include
  vast investments not only in the stadiums,
  tracks, and other sports venues for the Games
  themselves, but also in local highways, hotels,
  and airports. Thousands of jobs are created and
  billions of dollars are spent Australia spent
  2.1 billion for the Sydney Games in 2000, and
  Greece at least 11 billion only four years
  later. Long-term effects are generally positive,
  as the Games tend to improve the international
  image of the host city tourism experiences the
  greatest benefit, though few thorough studies
  have quantified this effect. On the other hand,
  during the event, the region hosting the Games
  may actually experience a drop in tourism and
  retail income, as people try to avoid the crowds,
  traffic, and price hikes they expect to find in
  the host city. Some Utah ski resort operators
  experienced a twenty to thirty percent drop in
  visitors during the Salt Lake City Games.
• Qc Why has the writer included the stat in the
  final sentence? (Statistics and facts should
  always have a clear purpose otherwise, they're
  distractions or just pure filler.)

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• 3. Social aspects of the Olympic Effect are
  varied, and include an improved global perception
  of the host city and a growth in civic pride.
  There is also sharp growth in public interest in
  those sports highlighted during a recent Games.
  In the United States, this can best be seen in
  the ice sports. The figure-skating drama between
  Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding in 1994 played a
  part in piquing this interest, and so did the
  gold medal of Tara Lipinski in 1998 American
  successes in speed skating and hockey can be
  added. The result has been a fifty-percent
  increase in the number of ice arenas in the
  United States in the last fifteen years. Dallas,
  Texas built eight between 2000 and 2002 alone.
  Related sports such as speed skating, hockey, and
  even curling have seen a tremendous growth in
  interesteven Southern cities like Tampa Bay,
  Florida and Atlanta, Georgia now have hockey
  teams.
• Qd Does the discussion in Paragraph 3 follow
  well from the topic sentence? Or is the actual
  discussion much narrower?

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• 4. The environmental repercussions of the Olympic
  Effect are also mixed. On the one hand, since the
  Sydney Games (the "Green Games"), participating
  communities have had active recycling programs,
  emphasized renewable energy sources, and built or
  extended mass transit systems, like Salt Lake
  City's 21-kilometer TRAX light rail system. Some,
  like Sydney and Beijing (2008) have made notable
  efforts to clean up their municipal environments.
  Sydney actually built most of its Olympic venue
  over a reclaimed toxic waste dump that had once
  blighted the city. To clear its polluted air,
  Beijing has converted much of its energy
  production from coal to natural gas, and
  implemented new smokestack and vehicle emissions
  guidelines. Medical researchers estimate that the
  benefit to Beijing residents' health will amount
  to many billions of dollars over the coming
  decades. On the other hand, the Games themselves
  result in great consumption of fossil fuels and
  strain on waste-disposal systems. The Winter
  Games in particular are often accompanied by
  accelerated human development of important
  wildlife habitat.
• Qe Does the discussion so far match the
  forecasting made by the itemized thesis
  statement? (Here it is again Principally an
  economic force capable of affecting the business
  climate of the host community for years before,
  during, and after the Games, the Olympic Effect
  can also exert a powerful influence on the
  environment and society of the host community.)

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• 5. When the Olympic Games were first held in
  1896, they were conceived as a celebration of the
  human body, and of the human spirit. This has not
  changed. But now the Games are something more
  they profoundly shape the lives of people who
  never set foot inside the arenas themselves. They
  are the paramount international pageant, turning
  the spotlight on cities, nations, and people,
  prompting them to find the best in themselves and
  hold it up for all to see. That is the true
  Olympic effect.
• Qf. What do you think of this conclusion? Does it
  do what you normally expect a conclusion to do
  summarize the main points of the essay or
  rephrase the thesis statement? Or does this
  example do something else? Is this strategy
  effective?

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Sentence revision

• Sometimes our sentences can be a little too
  complex and verbose (wordy).
• By removing or reorganizing certain words, we can
  make these sentences more compact, and easier to
  read.

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Example 1

• Is this example a little too wordy? Can we
  shrink it by a third (to 12 words)? Remember not
  to change the meaning!
• In the last decade, the world of personal
  computers and the Internet was brought into our
  living rooms.

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Example 1

• In the last decade, the world of personal
  computers and the Internet was brought into our
  living rooms.
• Better
• The last decade brought personal computers and
  the Internet into our living rooms.

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Example 2

• What about this example? Can we take out a third
  of it or so?
• The first step in the police investigation is to
  interview the parents and children in the
  household to establish an idea of what happened.

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Example 2

• The first step in the police investigation is to
  interview the parents and children in the
  household to establish an idea of what happened.
• Better
• First, the police interview the parents and
  children to learn what happened.

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Example 3

• How about this example? Lots of room for
  chopping here.
• Even people who cannot agree on whether death by
  execution is the best form of punishment should
  be able to see that if there is even a slight
  chance of an innocent person losing his or her
  life, death should not even be an option.

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Example 3

• Even people who cannot agree on whether death by
  execution is the best form of punishment should
  be able to see that if there is even a slight
  chance of an innocent person losing his or her
  life, death should not even be an option.
• Better
• Even when people dont agree about capital
  punishment, they should see that execution is not
  an option if the condemned person might be
  innocent.