The Adult Years

1
The Adult Years
2
Singles and Sexuality

• s almost tripled from 1970 2002
• Former stigma is almost gone
• Varying sexual activity levels
• Serial monogamy a succession of sexually
  exclusive relationships
• But most choose long-term relationships

3
Cohabitation

• Living together in a sexual relationship without
  marriage
• Nearly 60 who married in the early 90s
  cohabited first
• Domestic Partnership cohabiting in a committed
  relationship
• Much more common, now with rights
• Less traditional gender-roles

4
Domestic Partnership Advantages

• Together because they want to be
• Less traumatic to break up
• Occasional legal advantages

5
Disadvantages

• Not as faithful
• Occasional stigma
• Many legal hazards

6
More on Cohabitation

• Usually the status doesnt last
• 50 marry or bolt in 2 years
• Only 10 last 5 years
• Unhappiness increases as time goes on
• Couples have high divorce rates

7
Marriage

• Universal institution with familial, sexual,
  economic and legal aspects
• A source of emotional and financial support
• Usually healthier and happier
• Recent study just holding your husbands hand
  quells apprehension for women in strong marriages

8
More Marriage

• Two basic approaches
• Collectivist
• unites two families
• often arranged
• rational decisions can enhance long-term
  stability

9
The Individualistic View

• Union is a realization of individual goals and
  desires
• Feelings of love form basis

10
Expectations

• We want much more than a stable unit to raise
  children
• But can we really expect
• happiness,
• financial security,
• sexual satisfaction,
• spiritual and emotional growth, and
• social status?

11
Modern-day Obstacles

• Can we really expect all that when former support
  networks lack their past strength?
• Many married couples live in big, sprawling
  cities, far from family, stressed for ,
  child-care help and emotional backing.

12
Marital Satisfaction

• Gottman certain patterns predict unhappiness
  and divorce over 90 of the time!
• The ratio of to comments and activities
• Need a ratio of 5 to 1

13
What are they talking about?

• Facial expressions of disgust, fear or misery
• And especially,
• Verbal expressions of contempt from wife,
• And stonewalling from husband

14
More on the Magic Ratio

• The 51 ratio trumps compatibility, whether or
  not they fight, etc., etc.
• Women who initiate discussions diplomatically and
  men who listen have marriages that last

15
Furthermore

• The ratio works regardless of the three common
  marital styles
• Validating calm listeners who work out problems
  but can lack passion
• Volatile passionate disagreements balanced with
  respect, but at risk for physical aggression

16
Another Style

• Conflict Avoiding these couples avoid conflict
  at any price, but often leave problems unresolved

17
Sex Within Marriage

• Increasing satisfaction
• Post Kinsey
• wider variety of behaviors
• more enjoyment
• more foreplay
• happier sex-lives, better marriages

18
Quantity Quality

• More sex corresponds with better sex
• But the quality of sex often declines as the
  marriage endures

19
Limits

• Men are more satisfied
• Some marriages are sexless
• Modern life can exhaust
• Children invade privacy and limit spontaneity
• The sameness of routine marital life

20
Extramarital Sex

• Interaction between marital persons and someone
  besides their spouse
• While some societies allow, most prohibit

21
Why Cheat?

• Great variability in human behavior
• To prove to themselves that they are still
  attractive
• As an escape from an unhappy union
• To end an undesired marriage
• For sex when unavailable
• For excitement or revenge (9!)

22
Who Cheats?

• The young 18-30
• The oversexed
• Those who have more chances
• Women are just as likely
• It boils down to the person (cheater) not the
  relationship

23
How common?

• Hard to tell
• Kinsey 50 of men, 25 of women
• NHSLS 25 of men, 15 of women
• The Internet has caused more affairs

24
What Next?

• Lying and secrecy avoid trust
• Strong feelings of betrayal
• But the end is not inevitable