Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices, and Constraints Seventh Edition

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• Marriages and FamiliesChanges, Choices, and
  ConstraintsSeventh Edition
• Nijole V. Benokraitis
• Chapter Sixteen
• Remarriages and Stepfamilies

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Dating after Divorce

• If people are young and havent been married very
  long, then reentering the dating scene can be
  fairly easy.
• As people age they become more concerned about
  their physical appearance and they are nervous
  about reentering the dating scene.
• Often those who have not dated for a very long
  time may feel self-conscious because they have
  less self-confidence.

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Cohabitation after a Divorce

• Many divorced people, and some who are widowed
  after age 50 or so, prepare for remarriage by
  living together.
• They may be testing the relationship.
• Half of all remarriages begin with cohabitation.
  In fact, living together after divorce is more
  common than before a first marriage.
• Not all courtship ends in remarriage. Many
  stepfamilies are formed through remarriage, but
  others are cohabitating stepfamily households,
  some lasting longer than others.

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Forming a Stepfamily

• What is a stepfamily?
• In the past, sociologists defined a stepfamily as
  a household in which at least one of the spouses
  had a biological child from a previous marriage.
• However, the term is being defined more broadly
  nowa stepfamily is a household in which two
  adults who are biological or adoptive parents
  with a child from a previous relationship elect
  to marry or cohabitate.
• This definition includes nontraditional families,
  so it is more broad than the old definition.

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Forming a Stepfamily

• How common are remarriage and stepfamilies?
• Remarriage is so common that it has spawned a
  huge industry of services, magazines, and books.
• The U.S. remarriage rate is the highest in the
  world.
• Nearly 85 of Americans who divorce remarry. the
  median time between marriages is short and
  millions of Americans have been married more than
  three times!

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Forming a Stepfamily

• Cohabitation, divorce, remarriage, and
  stepfamilies have created a variety of family
  structures, but remarried couples and
  stepfamilies have some common characteristics.

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Characteristicsof Remarried Couples

• The average age of a first remarriage in the U.S.
  is 33 for women and 35 for men.
• Remarriage rates are higher for both sexes age 50
  and older, but higher for men.
• Older women, especially those who seek to
  remarry, may be attracted to older men because
  neither partner has children at home to cause
  conflict.
• Generally, the older a woman, is the harder it is
  for her to find a partner for remarriage. The
  pool of available spouses expands for men as they
  age, but diminishes for women as they age.

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Characteristicsof Remarried Couples

• Overall, whites, especially white women, have the
  highest remarriage rates. In 2004 19 of white
  women had been married two or more times,
  compared with 11 of African Americans, 9 of
  Latinas, and 6 of Asian women.

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Characteristicsof Remarried Couples

• There are many interconnected reasons why this is
  the casefirst, African American people overall
  have the lowest marriage rates, which means that
  remarriage is less likely
• African Americans have the highest cohabitation
  rates.
• Latina and Asian Americans, especially recent
  immigrants, encourage marriage and discourage
  divorce and cohabitation.

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Characteristicsof Remarried Couples

• Social Class
• In general, the wealthier a divorced man is, the
  more likely he is to remarry.
• Men in the marriage market tend to be financially
  better off than women, so they are able to
  attract new partners.
• Men with higher educational attainment are more
  likely to remarry than are women with a similar
  education.
• Women who have a higher socioeconomic level may
  not be willing to remarry because they have less
  to gain from it, however, they may have a larger
  pool of candidates from which to choose.

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Characteristicsof Remarried Couples

• Presence of Children
• Many adults contemplating a new relationship are
  already parents, however, the presence of
  children from a previous marriage does affect
  parents decision to remarry.
• Since men are less likely to have custody of
  their children, they are freer to date.

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Characteristicsof Remarried Couples
Women may be seeking financial stability for her
children and a male role model, so she may be
more willing to remarry. The presence of
children generally lowers the likelihood of
remarriage, but that isnt always the case.
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Characteristicsof Remarried Couples
Young children may encourage dating and
remarriage to replace an absent parent, and older
children who are not living with their parents
may want to see their parent find a new partner
in their later years.
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Remarriage as a Process

• Emotional Remarriage
• This stage is often slow because partners have to
  build trust in each other. They may feel
  inadequate after a divorce and fear another
  failed relationship.
• In addition, remarriages are emotionally
  intricate and confusing concerning the new roles
  each partner must play in many lives.

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Remarriage as a Process

• Psychic Remarriage
• Peoples identity changes from being single to
  being married again. For men, a shift in marital
  status does not require an extreme change in
  personal identity.
• The identity shift may be more difficult for
  women because the remarriage represents recovery
  of a valued identity as a wife. A nontraditional
  woman, on the other hand, may worry about the
  loss of her independence.

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Remarriage as a Process

• Community Remarriage
• People often change their community of friends
  when they remarry. During the stage of
  remarriage they may sever close personal
  relationships that they established after a
  divorce when they relied more on friends.
• In addition, people may often move to another
  community.

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Remarriage as a Process

• Parental Remarriage
• Parents have to assume new roles based on their
  remarriage. Some may have to step up and be
  parents to their new spouses children, while
  some may find themselves deferring to the
  biological parent as a decision-maker.
• When both partners have children from a previous
  relationship it can make things even more
  complicated and difficult.
• Because marital and parental roles must be
  assumed simultaneously, parents may find
  themselves in conflict with one another or with
  the children involved.

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Remarriage as a Process

• Economic Remarriage
• Remarriage establishes a marital household as an
  economic unit. The main problems in this stage
  may form from the presence of children from a
  previous relationship and the biological parent
  who does not have residential custody but may be
  paying child support.
• Noncustodial parents may feel less responsible
  for their children financially after their
  ex-spouse remarries.

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Remarriage as a Process

• Legal Remarriage
• The nonbiological parent does not have legal
  rights over their spouses children.
• Most schools and other institutions typically
  dont recognize a stepparent as a legal parent.
• What about college expenses? Questions of
  legality become complicated when stepparenting is
  involved.

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How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ

• Family Composition
• Remarriages often result in a myriad of new
  relationships. Children may gain stepbrothers or
  sisters or half siblings. They may have to share
  their biological parents time and physical
  space.
• A child who travels between homes may feel left
  out of activities at one or both homes.
• Parents may worry about dividing their time
  between biological and nonbiological children so
  that no one feels left out.

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How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ

• Role Expectations
• In first marriages, couples usually follow
  commonly accepted norms about enacting roles such
  as husband, wife, daughter, etc. The absence of
  norms regarding role expectations for
  stepfamilies creates perplexing questions.
• Role expectations are especially fuzzy when it
  comes to extended family. Past and current
  in-laws and grandparents may be unsure how to
  treat their new instant family members.

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How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ

• Changes across the Life Course
• People who remarry sometimes find that they and
  their children are at different stages of the
  family life course. As a result, goals may
  conflict.
• On one hand, an older man who marries a younger
  woman who has young biological children may enjoy
  being able to watch them grow up because he has
  more leisure time.

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How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ

• Stress and Resources
• People who remarry usually seek someone who is
  more successful, more supportive, or more
  attentive than the ex-spouse.
• In most remarriages, partners must also cope
  with the stress of handling shifting resources.

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How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ
There is also a question about the remarried
couples financial responsibilities toward aging
parents. Remarriage also increases resources.
Children have more adults who care about them,
may experience less conflict between biological
parents, and have new stepgrandparents.
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Couple Dynamicsin Stepfamilies

• Myths about Remarriage
• The Nuclear Family Mythbelievers of this fantasy
  expect family members to love and feel close to
  one another and children to be well-behaved.
  Even in long-lasting stepfamilies, tightly knit
  relationships are usually uncommon.
• The Compensation Myththe new mate is expected to
  be everything the problematic old mate wasnt.

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Couple Dynamicsin Stepfamilies

• - The Instant Love Mythnew stepparents may
  presume an intimacy with stepchildren that just
  isnt there, especially at first.
• - The Rescue Fantasystepparents think they will
  shape those kids up from the original
  neglectful or lenient noncustodial parent.

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Remarriage Satisfaction

• The data on remarriage satisfaction are mixed.
  People in first marriages report greater
  satisfaction than do remarried spouses, but the
  differences are small.
• For the first few years of remarriage, stress can
  come from all the new complex relationships and
  roles that the new couple must play.

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Remarriage Stability

• About 60 of remarriages, compared with 45 of
  first marriages, end in divorce. The average
  duration of second marriages is about the same,
  whereas third marriages that end in divorce
  typically last about five years.
• People most likely to redivorce may see divorce
  as a quick solution to an unsatisfying marriage.

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Types of Stepfamilies

• When a couple forms a stepfamily, then a new
  family network emerges.
• Three basic types of stepfamilies
• 1. Mother-stepfather familyall the children are
  the biological children of the mother and
  stepchildren of the father.
• 2. Father-stepmother familyall of the children
  are the biological children of the father and the
  stepchildren of the mother.
• 3. Joint stepfamilya least one child is the
  biological child of both parents, at least one
  child is the biological child of only one parent
  and a stepchild of the other parent, and there
  are no other children present.

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Types of Stepfamilies

• In a complex stepfamily, both adults have
  children from previous marriages. In a joint
  step-adoptive family and a joint
  biological-step-adoptive family, at least one
  child is the biological child of one parent and a
  stepchild of the other parent, and one or both
  parents have adopted at least one child.

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Types of Stepfamilies

• Gay and Lesbian Stepfamilies
• They are similar to traditional stepfamilies and
  encounter many of the same problems.
• They may encounter triple stigmatization, first,
  because they are gay or lesbian second, because
  gay and lesbian families are looked at as
  deficient compared to nuclear families in our
  society and third, because some in the gay and
  lesbian communities themselves stress the primacy
  of the couple relationship, not parenting.

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Some Characteristicsof Stepfamilies

• The structure of stepfamilies is complex.
• A stepfamily must cope with unique tasks.
• Stepfamilies often experience more stress and
  conflict than nuclear families.
• Stepfamily integration typically takes years
  rather than months.
• Important relationships may be cut off or end
  abruptly and others may spring up overnight.
• There are continuous transitions and adjustments
  rather than stability.

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Some Characteristicsof Stepfamilies

• Stepfamilies are less cohesive than nuclear or
  single-parent households.
• Stepfamilies need great flexibility in their
  everyday behavior.
• Stepfamily members often have unrealistic
  expectations.
• There is no shared family history.
• There may be many loyalty conflicts.
• Stepfamily roles are often ambiguous.

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Stereotypes about Stepfamilies

• The evil stepmother stereotype still abounds in
  our society. Ex-wives may still be angry about
  the divorce and refer to the stepmother as a
  witch in front of the kids.
• Stepmothers have at times given up when they are
  given no rule-making ability concerning their
  stepchildren.
• In contrast, the myth of instant love maintains
  not only that remarriage creates an instant
  family, but that stepmothers and stepfathers will
  automatically love their stepchildren.

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Parenting in Stepfamilies

• About 17 of American children live in a
  stepfamily.
• Most stepfamilies face a number of issues when
  they attempt to merge two households after a
  remarriage. These include naming, sexual
  boundaries, legal issues, distributing economic
  and emotional resources, developing the
  stepchild-stepparent relationship, establishing
  closeness and cohesiveness, establishing
  discipline, and helping children adjust to this
  new family form.

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Intergenerational Relationships

• Ties across generations, especially with
  grandparents and stepgrandparents can be close
  and loving or disruptive and intrusive.
  Grandparents can provide an important source of
  stability for the kids during a divorce and
  remarriage.
• Generally, intergenerational relationships depend
  on how much effort he remarried partners and
  steprelatives put into maintaining or forging
  relationships.

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Some Effects of Stepfamilieson Children

• How Children Fare
• Some studies report that there are few, if any,
  emotional or behavioral differences between
  stepchildren and other children. Other studies
  show that stepchildren are at about a 20 risk
  for negative outcomes, a higher rate than
  children living with both biological parents.

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Some Effects of Stepfamilieson Children
The most consistent findings on stepfamilies,
however, show that how children fare depends
greatly on the relationships among children,
their custodial and noncustodial parents, and
stepparents. Close relationships with
stepfathers, noncustodial fathers, and
noncustodial mothers are associated with better
outcomes. Children benefit the most when the
adults in all of the relationships get along.
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Successful Stepfamilies

• Seven characteristics are common to remarried
  families in which children and adults experience
  warm interpersonal relationships and satisfaction
  with their lives.
• 1. Develop realistic expectations.
• 2. Let children mourn their losses.
• 3. The adults forge a strong couple relationship.

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Successful Stepfamilies

• 4. The stepparenting role proceeds slowly.
• 5. When there are young children, the stepparent
  should take a discipline role slowly.
• 6. Successful stepfamilies develop their own
  rituals.
• 7. Work out satisfactory arrangements between
  the childrens households.

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Rewards of Remarriageand Stepparenting

• Many believe they learned valuable lessons in
  their first marriage that they bring into their
  second marriage.
• Successful remarried couples say they try harder,
  are more tolerant of minor irritations, and tend
  to be more considerate of each others feelings.