Conflict and You

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Conflict and You
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Statements about Conflict

• If we have conflict, our relationship is
  horrible or not meant to be.
• We can avoid conflict if we really try.
• We dont understand each other and thats why we
  fight.
• We can resolve any type of conflict.
• If we didnt have conflict, the relationship
  would be perfect.

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The Hocker Wilmot (1991) Definition

• "Expressed struggle between at least two
  interdependent parties who perceive incompatible
  goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the
  other party in achieving their goals."
• Do you agree with this definition?

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Break It Down Now

• Expressed struggle can be
• Verbal you tell a friend that you are upset.
• Nonverbal your neighbors dog barks and you
  silently seethe.
• Book states Both people must know that a
  problem exists before their conflict surfaces.
  True?

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Break It Down Now

• Perceived Incompatible Goals
• Presupposes a winner and loser.
• Does somebody have to always lose?
• If the goal is for both parties to win, is it
  still a conflict?

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Break It Down Now

• Perceived Scarce Rewards
• 1. Not enough of something to go around
• 2. What are common scarce rewards that cause
  conflict in personal and professional situations?
  

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Break It Down Now

• Interdependence The Two Participants
• Must be stakeholders.
• Must care about reaching resolution or
  dissolution.
• How many conflicts remain unsolved because the
  people fail to understand (or are unwilling to
  admit) that they need each other?
• Where have you experienced this in your personal
  or professional life?

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Functional Vs. Dysfunctional Conflict
4. De-escalation versus Escalation a. Working
toward an amicable solution b. Letting problems
escalate 5. Focusing versus Drifting a. Dealing
with one issue in the present moment or b.
Kitchen sinking an issue. Fighting about
something that happened six months ago. 6.
Foresight versus Shortsightedness a. Fighting
about whats important working toward
resolution. or b. Fighting about who started a
fight forgetting about solutions to the real
problem.
1. Integration versus polarization. a.
Recognizing the other person's needs or b.
Automatically labeling someone as bad or
untrustworthy. 2. Cooperation versus
Isolation a. Doing what's best for the
relationship or b. One winner-one loser
mentality 3. Agreement versus Coercion a.
Finding unified ground or b. Instigating "power
plays"
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Conflict is Inevitable!

• Research reveals
• An average of 3.3 conflict episodes per meal of
  52 families
• Couples spend an average of 11 minutes per day
  talking, but have at least one negative exchange
  each day.

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The Key is Each Persons Perception of the
Conflict

• Healthy fire Couples view conflict as
  constructive disagreement.
• Unhealthy fire This is war!
• Linguistic indicators
• "He shot down my argument!"
• "Why are you blowing up at me?"
• Conflict is messy
• "Let's not open up this can of worms!"
• "That's a sticky situation."
• Defeatist messages one side has to win.
• "That was out of bounds!"
• "You didn't play fair."

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So how do YOU do conflict?

• Nonassertion
• Physical
• Conversational
• Putting up with the status quo
• Accommodating or giving in
• When is nonassertion the best choice?

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So how do YOU do conflict?

• Indirect Communication
• Hinting to others
• Saving face for the other person
• Nonverbal indicators yawning
• Why do we choose this when dating or when we need
  to protect ourselves?

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So how do YOU do conflict?

• Passive Aggression
• Disguising the dissatisfaction
• Crazymaking
• Denial
• Using humor
• When you use this tactic, people get irritated
  with you and think you are underhanded. You still
  may not get what you want!

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So how do YOU do conflict?

• Direct Aggression
• Physical attack
• Psychological attacks
• Dangerous to the relationship
• Recipient is often embarrassed, hurt, humiliated,
  depressed, feels inadequate may end up in the
  hospital
• Verbal aggression will bankrupt your
  relationships!!!!!

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So how do YOU do conflict?

• Assertion
• Describe the observable behavior that prompted
  the message.
• Explain your interpretation of the behavior.
• Use I languageown your feelings!
• Discuss the feelings that arise from your
  interpretation
• Share the consequences of the information you
  have shared so far.
• Make an intention statement of what you want.

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Which style belongs to you?

• There is no single best way to respond to
  conflict.
• Determine the situation. If someone has more
  power than you, be nonassertive.
• Consider the other person if you are dealing
  with a very sensitive person, direct aggression
  may not work.
• Consider your goals if you want to solve a
  problem, be assertive, but considerate.

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Conflict in Relationships

• Complimentary conflict style partners use
  different but mutually reinforcing behavior.
• Symmetrical both people use the same tactics.
• Parallel means switching between the two.
• Escalatory spiral if you each treat each other
  with matching hostility
• De-escalatory spiral you both ignore the
  problem.

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How to Resolve Conflict

• Its time to DEFER (Lose-Win)
• When you are clearly wrong.
• When the long-term cost of winning may not be
  worth the short-term gains.

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• Its time to COMPROMISE
• When there is not time to seek out a win-win
  outcome.
• When the other person is not willing to seek out
  a win-win outcome.

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• Its time to
• COMPETE (Win-Lose)
• When the issue is important and the other person
  will take advantage of your noncompetitive
  approach.
• When sustaining the relationship is not important
  to you.

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• Its time to
• COOPERATE
• (Win-Win)
• When the issue is too important for compromise.
• When a long-term relationship is important to
  you.

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Results of Dysfunctional Disagreement

• No one gets what they really want.
• One wins, another gets hurt.
• The future of your relationship is strained
• He or she who leaves a relationship in anger is
  destined to make the same mistakes over and over
  and over again.

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Results of Functional Disagreement

• You have the reward of facing a challenge
  successfully.
• Better self-esteem and knowledge of each other
  the relationship is stronger!
• Safe outlet for frustration and aggression.
• Avoidance of a kitchen full of sinks!